All Things Are Possible

As I slept through the night I went to places in my dreams that were beautiful and I also went to places in my dreams that I wish that I could have woke up and it was over.

It was walking it didn’t seem like anywhere I had been to before I was just walking. Then this tall light skin man/child walked up to me and he said Hi. I said Hi. He said Hi Mom I’m David. I said oh my God you are so beautiful. He said don’t cry Mom its okay. Then he said guess what? I said what sweetie. He said I will be 16 years old in a couple of days. I said I know sweetheart and I love you. He said can I hug you please? I said please hug me it would make my life better. So he did. Then we starting walking and we were hand in hand just walking. Then he said I saw Ameer. I said what? He said I saw my Big Brother graduate from the Navy. He looked good very good. I look better though right? I said of course you do sweetheart. I thought to myself this is definitely my kid. (giggle). He told me that he saw his grandpa Sidney and he looks good and he said his Grandma Josephine and they talked all the time. I said really? He said yes. Because they love me and their world revolves around me. Again, I knew this was my kid. So we walked and talked and walked and talked and it was just so beautiful. Then he said that he had to go. I said please don’t leave me. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry please don’t let me. He was gone.

Back in the future.....

On June 17, 1991 I was in the apartment and there was a knock at the door. “K” and I had been fussing as usual all day. He told me that he had hated me earlier that day and that he was going to kill me. I didn’t think nothing of it. He said that on a regular basis so it was just general conversation to me. So I opened the door Ameer was all excited to see his daddy. Because even though his dad was crappy to me I didn’t want to tell my son that his dad was crappy after all I was a drug addict. By now I have to say that “K” was a DC policeman. He knocked on the door and he was in his policeman’s uniform and I opened it and again my son was all excited. He told Ameer to go to bed. Then he asked me to come outside. I walked outside I didn’t think anything of it. When I got outside he said didn’t I tell you to have an abortion? I said “K” it is too late for this now please don’t start. He slapped me and after he slapped me and I was trying to get back in the house he grabbed me by my neck and started punching me in my stomach with the other hand. Now mind you. Here he is a big ass police officer outside beating on a pregnant woman. Did anyone come to my aid? NO. Did they watch? Yes. Then I dropped to the ground. Once I dropped to the ground I remembered him saying that I was nothing but a crack head and I was always going to be a crack head and he kicked me. I was crying really loud and what I remembered was my son coming out of the house and pulling on his dad and begging him to please stop hitting his mother. Then he said I wasn’t worth shit anyway and just like that he left. I was outside stuck on the ground and I had to stay there for awhile. I really couldn’t move. My son went back in the house and said that he was calling his grandmother. I told my son that I was okay and not to worry about it. Then I told my son that I would be right back. I left my son who was only 7 years old in the house alone so that I could go and get drugs. I could barely move. I still went and got drugs though. I got my drugs and I came back in the house. I remembered thinking the baby is not moving why is the baby not moving. He must be sleep. That was the most that I thought about that entire situation. Nothing other than I have to go and get high now once more. it’s the normal thing for me to do. Once in the house and I finished smoking my drugs I tried to lay down as best as I could. My water broke and there I was all cracked out, eyeballs bugging, paranoid as hell wondering what I was going to do. I screamed for my son and he came into my room. I said please call grandma and tell her that I need her to come for me right away. So my mother came. When I arrived at the hospital they told me that my baby was not moving. So they were rushing all around and doing this and doing that. Then the next thing I knew a doctor came into the room and he told me that my baby was dead. He told me that the best thing for me to do would be for me to have it naturally. So that is what I did? I said in that hospital room by myself wishing that I could die and get high at the same time and not being able to do either. I was in labor for 7 ½ hours. David Thomas was born on June 18, 1991. When he came out the doctor and the nurse pointed out to me after others had left the room that my baby’s face was covered with cocaine. That my baby would have been born an addict. They also told me that my mother explained to them that I had gotten into a fight the night before with my baby’s father and that they were not going to report me. So they didn’t. They asked me what I wanted to do with David Thomas. So my mother came in and we made some decisions about what to do. My mother made the decisions because I couldn’t do it. Then the next thing I know.

Waking up in my bedroom (Thursday Morning) ...............

I woke up this morning in tears. Always around David Thomas Birthday, getting closer to my anniversary and closer to the passing of my father do I have these same dreams. I normally don’t tell all about them. I decided to do something different today.

I am grateful today that I have dreams even though they are not always what I want them to be. I am grateful that I woke up this morning. I am grateful that I have a God in my life. I am grateful that I don’t use drugs or drink anymore. I am grateful just for being the best me that I can be today. I am also grateful because I know that I can’t change what happened in the past I can only make the days that come after better bit by bit with better behavior.

Here is a poem I found for my family and my loved ones who are not here.

Remember Me

Remember me when flowers bloom

Early in the spring

Remember me on sunny days

In the fun that summer brings

Remember me in the fall

As you walk through the leaves of gold

And in the winter time

Remember me in the stories

That are told

But most of all remember

Each day right from the start

I will be forever near

For I live within your heart.

A commitment that I am asking j-landers for help with. I am very good at starting things and not finishing.

I will try to make it short since I already wrote today. Its in reference to my finances. I have been given something by my sponz & my mother its called a spending plan. I have a written list of everything that I have to pay for the month. For the first time in my life except for unexpected emergencies I think I actually might make it through the month of June without what I call the walk of shame. That means going to my family for $20 for gas or my friends for $5.00 to support my nasty, nasty cigarette habit.

Anyhoo, I know that I have a big problem where my finances are concern and it causes a lot of stress and chaos in my life. I don’t want it anymore there fore the commitment. I see where a lot of my mistakes, bad judgments, not writing things down, robbing Peter to pay Paul when there is no Paul, my insecurities, doubts and fears come from where it comes to my finances.

Then to top it off with all of those bad feelings I have the nerve to want to keep it all a secret. God forbid if someone finds out that all I do is mismanage money. Even if I know that I am better than I use to be to me its still crazy that I am as old as I am and still can‘t get my act together.

The reason that I am telling you this is because this is a very new commitment and I really want to stick to it. So if every now and then maybe you can ask how I am doing with my budget or am I still writing things down. It would be truly helpful.

Whew! Just so you know that was a big deal for me saying things about my finances. Not only that I am still grateful to be alive today and being the best me that I can be.