All Things Are Possible

Let's see my appointment with my shrink?????

 

I can tell you the feeling that I have went through today.  How about that?  I haven't even processed today.  All the feelings I went through today from 11 am this morning until right now at 9:27 PM.

 

Anxious, Apologetic, Cautious, Disappointed, Disapproving, Disbelieving, Disgusted, Envious, Exasperated, Exhausted, FEAR, Frightened, Frustrated, Grieving, Guilt, Hot, Hurt, Indifferent, Jealous, Lack of Faith, Lonely, Miserable, Negative, Pained, Paranoid, Perplexed, Puzzled, Regretful, Sad, Shame, Used, Undecided and Withdrawn.

 

Now what I am going to do about these feelings in short is:

(1)  Remember that regardless of what happens in my life today I don't have to use over it.  Meaning I don't drink and I don't drug.  I don't go shopping with money that I don't have.  I don't use a person because I want to make myself feel good or feel no pain at all. 

 

(2)  I don't have to repeat the things that happened to me today.  Because today is Thursday so I don't have to repeat the same things again tomorrow.  Its a chance for another day and a new beginning.

 

(3)  I have to go back to peel some more layers off of my onion.  I am just starting to peel and the pain is frightening.  I'm scared and I can tell you that for real.

 

(4)  Remember that I am not as bad off as I think I am.  I did see a shrink today and I was told that I am not crazy enough to be locked up.  Thank goodness because I thought I was losing my freaking mind.  Do you hear me?  The condition is nothing that can be treated with medication.  I am not sure whether that is a good thing or a bad thing.  I of course want INSTANT GRATIFICATION AND TO BE BETTER RIGHT FREAKING NOW.  (Thank You).  The condition is called acute oconic depression.  I said what of course.  It is basically a learned helplessness.  (I won't even tell you some of the feelings that brought up)  Not only that it is something that can be treated in therapy.  Yeah.  More therapy.  As if I am not freaking crazy enough. 

 

Oops.  This was suppose to be a gratitude list not my smart butt list for the night right?  I am all over the place right now.  So I am going to go back to finish crying and try to remember to just be grateful that I am being the best me that I can be today.  Even though I am screwed up as all GET OUT.