Jenn's lost life

8:05:08 AM EST
Feeling Sad
Hearing Barney
I saw the school psychiatrist yesterday. He seems very nice but I hate telling my life story. It's not that it's to hard to talk about, it's that everytime I do it has a way of leaving people speechless. The get this shocked look on their faces. I was telling my sister about the look and she said the psychiatrist she was seeing last year got the same look. I hate when I talk about the things I've been through and people pity me for it. I don't want pity, to pity someone is basicaly to say that they are week and you are better then them. It's degrading no matter how innocent the intentions involved are. Yeah I've been through a lot of shit and it's taken it's toll on me but I'm a hell of alot stronger then most. I haven't given up when many would have in my shoes years ago. An average day for me would be enough to give most a nervous breakdown but I still do what I need to do and fight to get ahead. To pity someone and to sympathize with them are very different. I also hate the feeling that psychiatrists aren't honest with you. I don't agree with the whole thing that they aren't supposed to judge their patients. If I do something retarded I want someone to come right out and let me know! If I say something off the wall tell me. If you think there's not much hope of me getting better please tell me. Put no false hopes in my heart.

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9:40:04 PM EST
Feeling Quiet
Hearing Solace

Yesterday was a nightmare. I went to school and had an anxiety attack, one of the worst ones I've ever had. I went and talked to the school psychiatrist, (more like ran there in a state of panic completely freaking out)  he was able to see me right away cause I got there before he had any appointments schedualed and I was a mess. He calmed me down a little and I have an apointment with him Thursday so we can talk more. He seemed to agree that I have depersonalization disorder. Shortly after leaving his office I was a mess again. I tried going to my next class but I ended up having to leave in the middle of class because the panic was coming back. I found a quiet place to sit alone and try to calm myself down but I just couldn't calm down. My heart was racing I was shaking, I was completely terrified. A guy that's in my class that I've talked to a few times before came and found me. He said he was worried cause I looked so bad. I just kinda broke down and told him what was going on. He was really sweet, he talked to me for a long time and he really seemed to care. He put in a lot of effort to understand what I was going through. We talked for a while he asked me if I wanted to go for a car ride with him. I said sure so he took me off campus to a sculpture garden. There was a huge pond there that was filled with fish. I forget what they are called but they look like giant goldfish. We stayed there for a long time talking and looking at the fish. He made me feel so much better. The panic was gone and I was just left with this quiet calm peaceful feeling. Almost like the strange quiet after a big storm. I was even able to go to my afternoon class. I was so worn out by the end of the day physically and mentaly I passed out the second my head hit the pillow after I put Emma to bed.

I have so much going on in my life right now I don't have time for anything to hold me back. There's just to much riding on me and I can't let myself break. I have been stuck in this state for a long time and I have learned to function in it. It's hard, it holds me back from reaching my potential, it's scary, sad and I would give up anything(except Emma) to be myself again. I have to one day be myself again. I miss life. It hurts all the time but I have to fight through it, I have to keep going and keep looking for a way out. I have another mid term this week, child support court Friday, 2 big papers to write. Emma just started a new daycare today that she will be going to on top of the campus daycare she goes to 3 days a week. She had a good first day, she is getting very good at adapting herself to new places and my hectic demanding schedual we are rarely home. I try to keep us grounded with certain rituals that we do at the same time everyday. Everynight we come home have dinner together, she has tubbytime, I get her pajamas on, brush her teeth, we play for a few minutes, read a few books then I turn out the lights and sing to her, we say our prayers then it's bed time. The few things I can keep the same for her and for me keep us both sane. Oh yeah I also talked to Rob again today, he is most likely getting married and soon before his girlfriend starts showing she's pregnant. I can't even think of how that makes me feel I'm so lost in everything else right now.

Lol I forgot what I had written in my about me section when I started this journal. I just looked at it and realized I finaly found the answer to the questions I asked.

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6:20:11 PM EST

I wrote this poem when I was about 14, that was when I started feeling stuck in a dream. It makes sense to me now, I never really understood it before.  single tree draped with leaves alone in the woods talks to me tells me off gets me lost I go there everyday but today is different today I have never been there before I'm lost in familiarity I look to the tree for help the tree is gone there's a river in it's place I look to the woods around me there are no woods there's an ocean I think to myself I'm drowning but there is no water the ocean is really the sky the river a cloud and I'm not drowning at all the sky gets dark the cloud explodes into little pieces the pieces turn into stars then I realize I'm no longer a person I'm the moon I look down at the earth below me so full of death, hate, and pain now I'm beyond that no worries no problems I smile for the first time in my life

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3:05:57 PM EST
Feeling Sad
Last night I was searching the internet trying to figure out what's wrong with me and I stumbled upon a depersonalization disorder website. Every thing about it put into words exactly how I have felt for the last 7 years of my life. There's not one symptom I don't have. I am really upset because the prognosis for the disorder doesn't look to hopefull. If I have to be like this forever I really don't want to go on. I'm in desperate need of hope and prayers. Does anyone out there have any experience with it?

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9:28:39 PM EST
Feeling Sad
Hearing silence

Haven't written in a while because my computer wasn't working. I'm doing ok I guess. I'm doing pretty good in school. I just don't feel like I'm focused enough, I have to many things going on in my life to be able to put in the time and thought I'd need to to be able to do my best. That's frustrating. Rob called me last week to tell me his girlfriend is pregnant. It has really stirred up a lot of feelings and messed me up. I'm not over Rob and I never will be. I love him and miss him just as much as I did when we broke up in October. The hurt hasn't gone away I just keep myself busy, to busy to think and feel. In my quiet time when there is nothing to do but think it comes flooding in and I usually end up crying. Rob has called me a few times over the last couple of days. It's hard to talk to him but I miss him so bad I can't not take his calls even if I feel like crying for days after we talk.

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10:35:39 PM EST
Feeling Quiet
Hearing Norah Jones
Sorry I haven't been keeping up my journal lately. School is exhuasting me. I have to wake up at 5:30 in the morning 4 days a week and I am just not a morning person at all. All my energy is taken up by Emma, my grandmother and school. Any free time I have I spend cleaning. I'm over tired from a consistant lack of sleep and overwhelmed. I have stoped using drugs and drinking completely. I am still not happy but I do feel like I'm working towards something so that makes it a bit better. Not knowing where me and Emma will live after my grandmother dies is something that is in my head all the time. She is getting worse, more confused, having more accidents, not eating well while I'm at school and probably not drinking enough either. I am so scared by the debt I am putting myself in by going to school. I'm living off credit cards right now while waiting for my student loan money to come in. I skip meals to save money, I do't eat while I'm at school which is stupid because towards the end of the day I start to get dizzy and it's hard to focus in class when I get to that point. Being at school is strange. I feel like I am so different from everyone else there, like I live in a completely seperate world then them. I find it hard to talk to anyone because of it. I feel lost deep in my own head most of the time. Emma isn't liking daycare to much, she cries whenever I drop her off and cries a lot during the day too. When I am home with her she's very clingy, throws a lot of temper tantrums and isn't quite herself so I feel guilty over what I'm putting her through. Hopefully it will all work out to bennefit us both in the long run.  

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10:35:19 PM EST
Feeling Worried
Hearing Norah Jones
Today was my college orientation. I sat there having an anxiety attack the whole time. I am so freaked out about my financial situation. When my grandmother passes away and I can't live here anymore I have no idea how me and Emma will get by! The fact that it could happen anytime and I would have until the next rent is due to move out of here is very scary. I also worry that I am taking on to much. I'm working one day a week, going to school full time, taking care of Emma and my grandmother. Of course as I was making my schedule with the advisor today I asked him to give me an extra class, he asked if I was sure I could handle that much with this being my first semester as a full time student. I said yes. He didn't have any idea about my kid or any of my other responsibilities and he asked if I was sure I could handle it. On the ride home I started thinking about everyone who says to me I don't know how you do it. A few weeks ago my mother said to me, "I think your overconfident, you think you can have a baby, car payments, go to college." I started to wonder if I am overconfident or if my ability to handle things is higher then most peoples, or maybe I really can't handle this? Life hasn't been easy for me, my responsibilities do take a toll on me but I do get by. Trying to work 3 jobs a few months ago, that was taking on more then I could pull off. That was the only time when I had to stop and say I can't do this. I hope I haven't created another one of those situations for myself. I was getting so upset on the ride home and doubting myself that I called Rob to ask what he thought since I feel like he knows me better then I know me. He told me I can do it, my mother said that about me being overconfident because she's jealous. He also said he thinks I am able to take on more then most people can is because I've been doing it for so long that what most people call to much has become my normal. Rob made me feel a little better, weird after how things ended between us he can still make me feel better.

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9:52:00 PM EST
Feeling Quiet
I'm feeling very lazy lately. Maybe not lazy just not on top of everything. I have a few more things to do to get into college, I have to tell my boss I'm gonna have to quit. I have stacks of paperwork I haven't dealt with. I'm just tired, I'm in hibernation mode or something. Even when I get 8 hours of sleep I just don't want to get up in the morning. Maybe it's depression. I'm all out of energy.

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3:24:17 PM EST
Feeling Quiet
I do feel a little better to day after going to bed early last night. I got about 9 hours of sleep last night, that's probably the most sleep I've had in one night in months. I just wanted to thank everyone that has left me comments. Everyone is so nice and supportive, I don't think I've ever had one negative comment. It makes me feel a lot better to have that kind of encouragement. Thank you guys!!!!

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9:26:44 PM EST
Feeling Sad
Hearing Bjork
I decided to read over my journal entries from the past year and look back on everything that's happened. What else do I have to do all alone stuck at home on new years? Bad idea. Where have I gotten? I feel like no matter what I do no matter how hard I try I'm stuck. My head is a mess I still feel detached from my life. I feel like I'm not here just living a dream as I have felt for years now. The past year is just a blur to me with no sign of improvement. Yea I am gonna start college this month as long as I can work out all the financial issues involved. If I get a college education I will have a much better chance at getting by and supporting Emma and myself. But what good does that do me if I don't feel like I'm here to enjoy anything? I have seen a psychiatrist, tried a few psychiatric drugs, none helped they just had side effects that made me feel worse. I went to a therapist a few times, didn't make me feel any better. So I started drinking and using drugs in my quiet time to forget about it. That makes me feel worse too. I miss Rob, I miss being happy, I miss feeling alive. I'm never gonna give up, I have to push on for Emma. I just don't know how I'm going to make a whole stable life for her when I'm such a mess myself. I'm the only stability, the only one to tae care of this child and look at me! Scary thought. At least when i was growing up I had the illusion of a family, she only has me. Somehow i have to mae this coming year better then the last. Somehhow I have to feel better. I wish I wasn't so alone. I wish there was someone close to me I could call up and talk to. I wish there was someone more in my life to help make holidays happy and share special moments with. Just me and Emma doesn't feel like a family. I carry so much sadness in me all the time. My grandma has become even harder to care for over the past year. She doesn't remember to eat she waits for me to put every meal together for her, what is she going to do while I'm in school? What am I going to do, how will I be able to study and get homework done while dealing with both her and Emma. I think I'm just gonna go to bed early tonight, wake up early and start the new year. This is all just overwhelming me right now. I'm going to do better, I have to. This can't be all life is.

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