And Life Goes On ...

"I'll Remember You {This Way}"

I wish the miles between us hadn't been so great,
Knowing now, that Alzheimer's was your fate.
I wish I could remember more than I do;
I wish I could have had more time with you.
I watched as you slowly slipped away,
Forgetting more with every passing day.
Seeing your struggle become worse, was just more than I could bear.
The more that you forgot, the more I felt my heart tear.
It was hard to accept a mind that had become so frail,
When it used to remember every little detail.
I had been crushed when you couldn't remember your Shani, no matter how hard you tried,
So, I had retreated to my room where I buried myself in the blankets and cried,
But the tear that you gave me told me that you knew ---
You heard me read this poem that I wrote for you.
I will always cherish the last days we had together;
You're memory is locked safe in my heart forever.
We had our happy times too.
Do you remember what we used to do?
Back at the apartments on Bluegrass ---
We used to go watch the planes pass.
We would look for them out in the distant sky,
Coming in for their landing as they flew by.
Remember all the funny faces that we made?
And you loved the Liberace tape we played.
You were so determined not to be defeated,
You wouldn't let yourself be cheated.
You continued on strong with your fight, and
At Valley hospital, you gave it all your might,
And,for a brief moment, your mind became clear;
No other memory will ever be more dear:
You looked into my eyes and said, "I love you, Shani" --- you had remembered me.
I swallowed back the tears, wondering how this could ever be.
Sent down from heaven, the Lord showed His love.
It was a prayer answered from our Father above.
So, we took advantage in the moment of clarity,
And asked the Lord, in all sincerity,
Give us enough time without the disease,
To set our minds and hearts at ease,
That she fully understands your salvation plan,
And, when asked to confirm it, she can.
Excuse our unbelief, Lord, but we just have to know,
We can't accept it when she says, "Well, I hope so."
She doesn't have to be like doubting Thomas,
We want her to rest easy in your promise.
Well, let me tell you, the Lord's miracles never cease;
I saw a sparkle in nanna's eyes and a smile of peace.
We asked her, "Well, how do you know?"
She replied, "It's His promise; He said so."
I swear my heart skipped a beat and time stood still for, at least, a minute or two,
And if only for that one moment, I saw the nanna that I once knew.
You were never more than a phone call away,
For me to hear the loving words that nanna's say.
You always wanted to know how I was, and
Told me to be obedient, just because.
You enjoyed when I would read my poems to you,
Then you would share a few of your poems too.
You always encouraged me and told me that I should write from my heart,
Because deep inside each of us is where true inspiration starts.
I was drawn to your talent, like a moth is drawn to the light, and
Still, I aspire to reach the beauty of your words when I write.
Along with your touching poetry, I remember you painting beautiful pictures,
Then you would amaze me with your cool little clay fixtures.
You took a special pride in sharing the elaborate ladies that you drew,
Then, on top of that, you played the piano by ear too.
I thought it was so cool how you could say the alphabet backwards from Z to A,
And I promised you that I would also learn how to do that one day.
I wish I would have learned it while you were still here,
I've almost got it; I'll continue to persevere.
But, it's your trips down to see us that I really
treasure ---
Those are the memories etched into my soul forever.
The first thing that comes to my mind is when you made breakfast a game to play,
So that I would eat my banana and forget I didn't get my way.
I had to take a bite of banana for gas to drive my car,
Then, off I would peddle around the kitchen bar.
I loved how you used to tickle the washcloth between my toes,
Then you'd grab the bath bubbles and stick 'em on my nose.
Oh, how about the time when I came out to say, "I washed my hair!"
I remember everyone being a little shocked, and asking, "Where?"
I gave a great big smile, "In the toilet," proudly came my reply.
The looks on your faces ... I thought you'd all die.
Then there was the way we would smoosh the Red Vines flat,
And once we were satisfied, we would eat 'em like that.
Sometimes, even to this day,
I eat them that way.
Now, my favorite memory is of you and PamPam at your 50th Anniversary toast;
The love that you two shared is what I remember the most.
These are the sweet memories that my mind continues to replay,
And, forever and always, I will remember you, this way.

I'm getting things ready to send back to the family in Canada. Nanna's brother wanted us to tape the funeral because he couldn't make it out here, and he still wouldn't have been able to go if the funeral had been in Canada. I made extra CD's of the music played at nanna's funeral so I could send it up to them, along with the poem I wrote and I'm sending photos as well.
I miss nanna so much, but I can't cry for her. I know she's in heaven, and maybe that's why. I guess I just wanted the world to stop for her. She was such an amazing woman. Anyway, off to finish getting the things ready to mail off to the rest of the family.

I wish the miles between us hadn't been so great,
Knowing now, that Alzheimer's was your fate.
I wish I could remember more than I do;
I wish I could have had more time with you.
I watched as you slowly slipped away,
Forgetting more with every passing day.
Seeing your struggle become worse, was just more than I could bear.
The more that you forgot, the more I felt my heart tear.
It was hard to accept a mind that had become so frail,
When it used to remember every little detail.
I was crushed when you couldn't remember your Shani, no matter how hard you tried,
So, I retreated to my room where I buried myself in the blankets and cried.
However, some years later, still not fully defeated,
You're determined that you won't be cheated.
You continue on strong with your fight.
At Valley hospital, you gave it all your might,
And, for a brief moment, your mind became clear;
No other memory will ever be more dear:
You looked into my eyes and said, "I love you, Shani" --- you had remembered me.
I swallowed back the tears, wondering how this could ever be.
Sent down from heaven, the Lord showed His love.
It was a prayer answered from our Father above.
So, we took advantage in the moment of clarity,
And asked the Lord, in all sincerity,
Give us enough time without the disease,
To set our minds and hearts at ease,
That she fully understands your salvation plan,
And, when asked to confirm it, she can.
Excuse our unbelief, Lord, but we just have to know,
We can't accept it when she says, "Well, I hope so."
She doesn't have to be like doubting Thomas,
We want her to rest easy in your promise.
Well, let me tell you, the Lord's miracles never cease;
I saw a sparkle in nanna's eyes and a smile of peace.
We asked her, "Well, how do you know?"
She replied, "It's His promise; He said so."
I swear my heart skipped a beat and time stood still for, at least, a minute or two,
And if only for that one moment, I saw the nanna that I once knew.
You were never more than a phone call away,
For me to hear the loving words that nanna's say.
You always wanted to know how I was, and
Told me to be obedient, just because.
You enjoyed when I would read my poems to you,
Then you would share a few of your poems too.
You always encouraged me and told me that I should write from my heart,
Because deep inside each of us is where true inspiration starts.
I was drawn to your talent, like a moth is drawn to the light, and
Still, I aspire to reach the beauty of your words when I write.
Along with your touching poetry, I remember you painting beautiful pictures,
Then you would amaze me with your cool little clay fixtures.
You took a special pride in sharing the elaborate ladies that you drew,
Then, on top of that, you played the piano by ear too.
But, it's your trips down to see us that I really
treasure ---
Those are the memories etched into my soul forever.
The first thing that comes to my mind is when you made breakfast a game to play,
So that I would eat my banana and forget I didn't get my way.
I had to take a bite of banana for gas to drive my car,
Then, off I would peddle around the kitchen bar.
I loved how you used to tickle the washcloth between my toes,
Then you'd grab the bath bubbles and stick 'em on my nose.
Oh, how about the time when I came out to say, "I washed my hair!"
I remember everyone being a little shocked, and asking, "Where?"
I gave a great big smile, "In the toilet," proudly came my reply.
The looks on your faces ... I thought you'd all die.
Then there was the way we would smoosh the Red Vines flat,
And once we were satisfied, we would eat 'em like that.
Sometimes, even to this day,
I eat them that way.
Now, my favorite memory is of you and PamPam at your 50th Anniversary toast;
The love that you two shared is what I remember the most.
These are the sweet memories that my mind continues to replay,
And, forever and always, I will remember you, this way.

~Original By Shay {March 15, 2005}
Dedicated, with love, to my Nanna Kidd

  {Me and my sis Kris. Kris is in the red}

    Well, I thought that I would make my sisters aunts before they made me one, but I guess not. My middle sis, Kris, who is 18, is a month pregnant. She told us on the 17th. I'm excited but at the same time, I wish that she had a few more things in line. She just started to turn her life around. Thankfully, she has a great job. She is a medical assistant at a hospital, so she gets free medical, and you know her coworkers will keep an eye out for what she needs to do while she is pregnant. I just hope she stops smoking altogether while she is pregnant, or at least until the baby is more developed. She says she is only smoking a little.  GRRRR! The first trimester is the most important. I'm going to kick her ass if my niece/nephew comes out with problems.  I've already spent a fortune on baby things for her. I got baby blankets, washcloths, binkys, a really soft stuffed animal {a kitty}, a lulluby CD, a baby book, burb cloths, diapers, a journal for her to write her thoughts in through all of this ... hmm, I'm sure there's more.  lol  Anyway, so there's the big news of this month. Well, I'm off to finish wrapping up the rest of the Christmas gifts for everyone, then I'm done with Christmas!! Happy Holidays everyone!

Update:  Kris had a miscarriage on Feb 11 @ 1am. Guess it wasn't meant to be. We all are a bit sad but, honestly, I think it's better that she didn't have a baby at this time in her life.