This is My World!!

2:02:44 PM EST
Feeling Hopeful
Hearing None

It's been so long since I've written an entry, that I have no idea where to start!

My world has been turned completely upside down.  My life is in total chaos that I've got no control over.   Well, that's how I feel anyway.  But you know, I do have control, and starting now, I'm taking my life back!

Some major changes have happened, that I knew were coming, just didn't know when or how.  That day is here.  So with that...

Due to these recent events, this journal will no longer exist.  This makes me sad, because I've got some wonderful entries in here, that came straight from the heart-that have helped me get to where I am today.  

Dont worry about me.  In fact, I've never felt better!!  The stress has been relieved from my life.  I can now go on with my life the way I'd like to live it--what a terrific feeling that is!   I can't believe how much stronger I am!  How much more secure in my life I am!  These feelings are very empowering.  All things are possible, and I control my future!

The only person I answer to is MYSELF--and of course God!  I am excited about what the future holds, about this new life I'm starting.  I know it is a change for the better for all of us--my kids and I will be so much better off!

I know I've been somewhat vague with what has been going on, but for reasons I'd rather not explain here--because of others' eyes that do not need to know about this--this is all I can say for now.  Once I get my new journal up and running I will gladly go into details then.

I will be sending out emails to all of you with all the information in it.

You guys are wonderful!  Thank you to those that will stay with me through this!  It really means a lot to me to know that I've got your love and support out there.  I know I've been silent for a long time, but hopefully that will noteffect the friendships I've formed here.

Hugs,

Jan

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10:44:31 PM EDT
Feeling Quiet
Hearing None

I am taking a break from J~Land for awhile.  I find myself so busy, that I can't keep up with my own journal and reading all my wonderful friends' journals also. 

Know that while I am gone, I will still be thinking of you-you all won't be completely out of my heart!  Can't get rid of me that easy!

Who knows, maybe I'll be able to pop in from time to time with an update. 

I just hope this crazy schedule we have now, will eventually settle down to where I have more time to spend with you all.  Right now my family and our commitments come first. 

We are all doing fine.  Tim and I are actually getting along rather well these days.

I'm not going to promise anything~but hopefully I'll be able to send a weekly email out to all you dear friends.  Hey, send me one also once in awhile! 

Hugs to all~

Jan

 

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11:50:24 PM EDT
Feeling Chillin'
Hearing TV in Background

Where is this week going?? 

For that matter, where's the month gone??

Monday we had volleyball practice.

Tuesday we had soccer practice and and Ice Cream social for Devin.

Wednesday-aahhh...NOTHING!!  But we were still busy!  Homework, supper, baths, etc.

Thursday we have soccer practice, plus I need to go grocery shopping and pay bills.  Devin gets his school pictures taken, also.

Friday is the Homecoming parade-both Tava and Dalen are in it.  They will probably want to go to the game, also. 

Saturday we have a brief Boy Scout meeting.

And Sunday we have volleyball practice and the Boy Scout Pack meeting. 

To top the week off, yesterday our internet service was shut off. 

Huh??? 

I could not figure that one out for the life of me.  Of course, by the time we realized it, all was closed, so I had to wait 'til this morning.  Took about 2 hours, but finally I was up and running again!  Thank goodness!

Couldn't figure it out, because we paid the bill yesterday.  It was turned off AFTER that! 

What are these people thinking?!?

Not real chatty tonight, so I'll 'talk' at ya all later.

Good night!!

                   

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12:36:17 AM EDT
Feeling Chillin'
Hearing KC game on TV.  

I don't really have a lot to write about tonight.

Devin starts his first full week of school this week.  Last week his first day was on Thursday, with no school on Friday.  His preschool has no school on Fridays, so that gives me four days a week, with 4 hours a day to myself.

Hopefully I can get a good routine going where I do a little cleaning each day and then time to actually read all your journals!  I feel so out of the loop, but do know that I think about you all everyday.

Dalen started his soccer practice today.  The high school coach and soccer team taught them all a few drills that will work on their skills-dribbling, kicking, and using certain feet.  It was quite comical watching all these little guys!

Oh, just thought of something Dalen said to me today.

"Mom, when I get older come tuck me into bed once in awhile."

"Dalen, when you get older, you will be glad to be finally out of my home and on your own."

"Mom, no I won't.  Won't you miss me?"

"Well, of course I'll miss you.  If that's what you really want, then that's what I'll do."

"Mom, what will you do once we are out of the house?"

We were making supper while having this conversation.  I didn't know quite how to answer him, my mind went blank!  Before I could come up with anything, he went on his little way.

Tomorrow, Tava starts volleyball practice for an hour and a half!  She was so excited about playing.  But now that I've spent the money, she is saying she doesn't want to play.  Her reason:  I'm the only 4th grader playing, no one in my class wants to play. 

I can understand where she's coming from.  All the other girls are 5th graders, have played together before, and played last year.  Tava is a beginner.  Plus none of her class mate friends will be playing with her. 

I told her to just try it, see how it goes.  She said fine, I'll do it to make you happy mom. 

Boy, do my kids know how to tug my heartstrings!  I felt so bad for Tava, but yet, I really want her to find some sort of extracurricular activity that she will love doing.

And finally--Football season started!!!  Yay, I love football!  So much fun to watch, and it's a game I actually understand well!  Well, I also understand basketball very well, but football is just so much more fun to watch!  I love sitting on my couch yelling at the TV.  The feel of being on pins and needles when the game is super close, or goes into overtime.

Dallas is my absolute favorite team.  I am NOT a Chiefs fan, but they are playing Denver tonight-which I can't stand the Donkeys even less than the Cheifs.   Unfortunately those donkeys had to go and win--uugghh!  

It is a wonderful time of year!

Sad to say, my team lost today  :0(  Next week they'll get'em~I have faith!!

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1:30:03 AM EDT
Feeling Sad
Hearing Angry American                                                     September 11, 2001

                               

A day none of us will EVER forget.

For me this day brought on feelings of anger, sadness, grief, awe, panic, and hatred. My way of life, my country, my security-- were all threatened.

 

Why on earth would someone want to do this to us??

                  

I immediately wanted to rush out and attack-who, or what, or where--I had no idea, but I wanted revenge. I wanted someone to PAY and pay dearly for it.

 For those of you that have been reading my journal for awhile, you know that my mother died on October 21, 2001. But, it was on Septemeber 11 that I spent the last day with my mom-the way I will always remember her before she got sick. The panic I saw in her eyes is something I will never forget. My mom's husband-my stepdad-had a son living in New York at this time. (He still does.) My mom spent a long time on the phone with my stepdad and trying to get through to his son. All we knew was that he worked in downtown NY-which is pretty big. What we didn't know was that he was about 4-6 blocks from the Trade Center. His wife works in a museum, also located in the same vicinity. She was trapped there for most of the day, finally getting home late late that night.

I knew someone close to this area, but thankfully they both made it out all right.

                                 

Some weren't so lucky. And it's those lost lives that I am angry about. That I cry over-even as I type this. Those that lost their lives trying to save those trapped in the buildings. Those that died in the collapse or on impact of the planes. And even those that are fighting for us right now, those that have lost their lives in this war.

                  

Below is a poem that I received in an email from a group I have recently joined. I did not write it. This poem sums it up all so well.

 

                 Unity

Senseless acts of mass destruction,
Where innocents die toward what cause?
Fear, domination, a lesson, instruction?
Feelings so strong, it lends one to pause....

To think of the tragedies visited upon so many,
Four simple acts, each carry their own story.
Instilled in our hearts such sorrow and pity,
And changed the battlefield to our home territory.

Our hearts cry out No more, No more!
And instills within us a growing sense of unity
As we wave our country's flag outside our front door,
Waiting for the terrorists to be brought to punity.

They may attempt to bring America to her knee,
Causing chaos and pain, as dear ones are lost.
But what they don't realize is the backbone of this country
Is the sense of Patriotismthat lives in each heart!

And so we band, from near and from far
Together as one we rise and rejoice!
Creating this unity, one bright shining star!
Leading America, the Home of Free Choice!

~Copyright Fire, 2001~

Thanks Mary Lynn!! This poem touched my heart-sums up everything I feel and think ina much better way than I ever could.

If you'd  like, you can email Mary Lynn at: Firesdelite@aol.com

      

So now I ask all of you to take a moment or two of silence and pray to whatever God you pray to-- about the victims, their families, the firefighters, police officers, and the men and women serving our country so that we may continue living our life of freedom that we all value so much.

           

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12:01:32 AM EDT
Feeling Frustrated
Hearing Howard Stern (Tim's watching)

I am so frustrated!!

First my computer deleted my ENTIRE budget in Microsoft Money.  I even worked in it for 2 hours today!  I KNOW it saved what I'd done because I checked.  Now it's gone!!

$#@*&!!

I even did a virus scan to see if my computer was getting sick.  Nope, no virus!  Where'd it go??!  And how can it just disappear?! 

And now my digital camera has decided to break!

I wanted to show you all the adorable pictures of Devin on his first day of school.  Now I can't.  One of the little teeny tiny prongs that the memory card inserts into is bent!

Double ^%#@*&!!

I'm going to bed!

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11:43:44 PM EDT
Feeling Quiet
Hearing Tim talking on the phone

Have my days gotten shorter, or have I just gotten busier??  I find I do not have the time to read ALL the journals I would like.  Some of you have become wonderful friends, and here I am neglecting all of you! 

Well, Devin's first day of school is tomorrow.  Finally!!  He is so excited.  It's been really hard on him to stay home while his brother and sister go to school.  In fact the last few days, he has cried his little eyes out because they were leaving him home all by himself with mom and no kids to play with.  Poor guy! Just broke my heart.

Tomorrow he will have a room full of kids to play with!  He is so happy to see his teacher again-she is the same one he had last year.

I'll miss him, the few hours he's gone during the day, but our mornings will be wonderful.  I will also love those 4 hours to myself again!

Our camping trip.

I didn't take any pictures this time, so I don't have any to show you all  :0(

We left on Friday afternoon, grabbed a bite at McDonalds, and made our way to the lake.  We set up camp and built a fire.  Of course the night was not complete until we had S'mores!

The boys decided they didn't want to go this trip, so it was just Tim, Tava, and me. 

Tava really had fun, but she seemed to get a little bored on Saturday.   The wind was blowing with gusts to 30 miles an hour, so we weren't able to take the boat out at all.  Thank goodness a classmate of hers was camping near us.  Tava was able to play with her some and even spent the night with them.  She loved that.

With the wind, we just went swimming and played around the camp on Saturday.  

On Sunday morning we got a little rain-no big storms thank goodness!  So we spent the morning in our tent.  Tava was getting really restless.  But about that time the rain stopped, and the wind died down somewhat.  We took the boat out for a while.  We just cruised the lake and fished some.

The lake we went to is REALLY BIG, so the area we were in wasn't getting much wind, but when we decided to take the boat off, we headed over to the boat ramp by our camp.

Oh my goodness!!  The wind was horrible!  The waves were huge, and there was no way we could load the boat there.  So Tim boated over to this secluded little cove with a boat ramp while I drove the pickup over.  We managed to get the boat in just fine.  

But, when we docked at the other boat dock, I was driving the boat, and the wind was so fierce I rammed the boat dock!  Put a little crack in the upper part of the hull (?)

We went to camp, had a little snack, then Tava decided she wanted to go swimming.  The swimming area we went to was close to the area where the first boat ramp is close to our camp.  My goodness!!  I've never seen such huge waves on this lake!!  They rivaled the ocean waves.  The wind was horrible!  The water looked like brown yucky muck!  

Tava never did get to swim that evening.  When we got there, the waves and wind were so horrible, the bigger ski boats were having a heck of a time loading.  There was even this couple there that had jet skied up to the mouth of the lake.  Now the water up there is about 3-4 feet deep, and you have to boat around several little island-like land areas to get there.  They had been stuck there for a week!  We offered our help once we saw them and the tow truck there.  Once that was done, Tim talked to a few other boaters who had pulled up.  There was no way they could load their boats there.  So Tim and I once again helped.  Tim rode in their boats to the secluded cove boatramp, while I drove the pickup leading the others to this area.

What an eventful day it was!  

Then on Monday, of course, the wind was barely blowing.  So we boated for quite awhile.   Tim and Tava both tubed for awhile.  Man is it fun watching Tim ride that thing!   Both of us turn into little kids when it comes to fun things like that.

All in all it was a wonderful weekend.  Being outdoors, enjoying the water, and spending time together.  I think Tim and I needed that.  

Our relationship is doing better now.  We are communicating more, and we are working on some of the issues we have.  Tim sees his counselor Friday morning, so we will see how that goes.

Both of us are so stubborn it's hard to sometimes give in to each other.  We need to really work on that.  

Oh, and one more thing.  My wonderful friend Anna, sent me an email a few weeks ago about the assault weapons ban expiring here shortly.  In the email was included a link to send a letter to the editor of your local paper.  Well, I did that thinking it wouldn't be published.  Today I just found out my letter was actually in the paper sometime last week!  I almost fell over!  Grandpa told me about it.  Unfortunately, they didn't save the paper, so I don't have a copy of it.  It feels good knowing my name was actually in the paper with an editorial on something worthwhile and meaningful.  

 

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11:15:57 PM EDT
Feeling Chillin'
Hearing TV

Hi all!!

We made it home just fine Monday late afternoon.  A little sunburned and tired, but glad to be back home.

I had so much running around to do today; I didn't get any rest.  I will fill you in on our camping adventures tomorrow.

Right now, I am going to bed! 

 

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4:51:33 PM EDT
Feeling Happy
Hearing My Kids

Gone camping!!

Be back on Monday!!

Have a safe and happy Labor Day Weekend!

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11:52:49 PM EDT
Feeling Hopeful
Hearing None

Let's see...

Where to begin?? I have so much to share with you all!

It's been just over a week since my last entry. This wasn't an intentional vacation from J-Land: just something that happened.

I should start by thanking all of you that sent emails, e-cards, comments in my journal, and IM's to see how I was doing. Connie, Tina, Jackie, Julie, Michelle, Sammie, Angel, Heather, Vernea, Anna and Chellebelle. Love you!

THANK YOU!!

Chellebelle and Anna, I'm really sorry I missed your IM's. I saw both of them about 3-4 hours after you had sent them. Big hugs to you for your thoughtfulness!

Let's see...when I last wrote, Tim and I were on very shaky ground. He wasn't staying at home with us. Each time I would see him, I was overwhelmed by anger. (Our dryer needed fixing, so Tim was over here, hauling it out and putting in a temporary dryer for us to use.) The phone calls, emails, visits, and IM's from him left me feeling like I wasn't getting any space at all!

Then, I don't know what happened, but all the anger I felt towards him, just disappeared. Yeah, the talks we had helped, but I think my thoughts had more to do with it than anything. I realized that a life with Tim would be so much better than a lonely, struggling single parent life would be. After all, loving someone and being committed to them includes excepting the good with the bad, compromising, and the willingness to work on making changes to better the relationship, right? I think so, anyway.

Well, Tim and I both had seperate counseling on Thursday. I didn't realize this until after we talked, but Tim had printed off the entry I made on that Monday where I was so frustrated, and took it with him to his session. His counselor gave him some pretty good ideas on what to work on. Tim also has bumped his counseling up to every week. Which is a good sign he sees what he did wasn't right, and the willingness to work on these issues.

That's all I can ask for: Tim's willingness to try to work on making our relationship better. And of course, I will be working at it also!

I guess that is why I've stayed away from J-Land. I needed to spend time with him as well as my children, instead of hiding from real life issues in cyberspace. All the love, concern, support all of you gave me-really helped me through this.

So, as you can tell, things are looking so much better for me now!! I feel happier, more confident, and hopeful about our future.

Ok, on to other things.

On Friday night, the school had their PTO back-to-school picnic and open house. Tim and I both took the kids to it. We had so much fun! Tava was so excited to show me the work she'd been doing on their lap-tops. I still can't get over that: 4th grade and they have their own laptops-for school use of course.

Monday night, we had the Girl Scout roundup, which Tava and I went to. We had snowcones, and played lots of games. Of course, we also had all the registration forms to fill out, and dues to pay.

Then on Tuesday night, we had the Boy Scout meeting and roundup for new scouts. This meeting was more relaxed. I felt more welcome at it than I did the Girl Scout one. Tim is going to be Dalen's den leader, and help the master leader with those duties. I even offered my services for help with anything! That is a big step for me!

I don't know if it's because the boy scouts had more activities this summer than the girl scouts did, and I got to know those parents better, or what. But they seem more relaxed, more open, more accepting of people than the leaders in girl scouts. I feel like Tava's leader looks down her nose at most of the parents. She seems to carry this air that says I'm better than you. I just can't stand being around people like that! Infuriates me!!

Devin has been spending the week with his grandparents. I know with his brother and sister being in school all day, leaving him with no one to play with, would have been hard on him. He doesn't start school until the 9th. Grandma and Grandpa just said they'd like to have him for the week. He's having a blast!! I do know that. So I've had these last few days to myself! I've spent the time reading, cleaning, and being with my kids and Tim. All of us have really missed Devin, though!

Oh yeah, I've also been working in Microsoft Money to set up a budget and stick to it! Any of you no anything about this program?? I could sure use some help with it!

I also received a bit of good news yesterday. My financial aid was suspended for this semester due to having to drop a summer class. But, yesterday I got an email that said the ban has been lifted!! I can now sign up for classes for the fall session 3, wich runs from October through December! I was so excited when I read that!!

I have had 10,200 hits!!!  Wow!  Thank you all for visiting my journal!   The friendshipsI've made here are remarkable-you all are terrific!

And one last thing.

Have you all heard the version of Bon Jovi's song 'Wanted' sung by Montgomery Gentry?? If not, you need to listen to it! It is a wonderful remake! Being a BIG Bon Jovi fan and fond of the original versions of songs, that is a huge thing coming from me!

I will be visiting all your journals in the next few days! Hope all of you forgive me for my little break. I just thought my family needed my attention more.

Good Night, all!

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