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Outdoorsie Stuff
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
Subject: Outdoorsie Stuff
Time: 1:48:00 AM EDT
Author: jayveerhapsody
Mood: Loopy
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Subject: Outdoorsie Stuff
Time: 1:48:00 AM EDT
Author: jayveerhapsody
Mood: Loopy
OUTDOORSIE STUFF
I'm exhausted tonight. Not in the mood to be fancy or philosophical. Not in the mood to toss around any of my usual cleverly conceived adjectives. No waning summer moons. No ghostly echoes of lost loves. No melancholy musings in the lonely after-midnight hours.
Let's keep it simple. How about some nice outdoorsie stuff to celebrate midsummer ( it is midsummer, isn't it? Or thereabouts).
How about yesterday afternoon. Or thereabouts. Me, doing my usual heavy burden of yard work. And other outdoorsie stuff.
I'm still doing some final painting on the house trim. I found the perfect color to compliment the brick. It's a big house. Lots of shutters, window frames, posts, doors, not to mention trim. It took a helluva long time, but I'm a perfectionist. I tackled the job like Michelangelo tackled the Sistine Chapel.
The neighbors across the way (yes, the "way") have taken a violent fancy to watching me paint. In late afternoon they bring out drinks and lawn chairs and sit. Facing me. There's nothing threatening or provocative in this action. They're nice, quiet people, who are obviously very desperate for entertainment. I provide plenty.
They immensely enjoy watching my efforts. Problem is, they've never commented on my results. Do they like what I've done to the house? Do they like the new color? I'd appreciate feedback. The emotionless, unresponsive stares are a bit unnerving.
Perhaps they've been placing bets. What is the crazy cowboy gonna do today? Fifty bucks says he'll fall off the ladder.
I maintain my composure. Try to look macho. Try to look like I know what I'm doing. I haven't fallen yet. Haven't even spilled paint.
I just wish they'd give me a sign of their approval. Or disapproval. Thumbs up. Thumbs down. What I'd really like is if they'd hold up number cards, like in the Olympics. Nine. Ten. Eight and a Half.
My house is near the lake. My neighbor's house is very near the lake. Their back yard has a magnificent view of the lake. But they'd rather stay in the front yard and watch me.
Well, I can't blame them.........
If you can stand another outdoorsie tale, I've got one.
First of all, let's refresh our memories.
What are some of the things the Faux Cowboy hates the most? Think hard, now.
Weddings? The prospect of marriage? Tail gaters? People on cell phones in the middle of Wal-Mart? Chihuahuas barking at 2:00a.m.? Kids? A dial-up connection?
Yea, you're right about all these things. But what does he hate the most? Think real hard. Hint: eight legs........
BINGO! You got it! Spiders!
Yup, pardners. I hate spiders more than global warming enthusiasts or the prospect of Hillary for President. More than surprise birthday parties or trips to the dentist.
This is a long route to take for an outdoorsie tale, I know, but you gotta trust me. I'm getting us there.
So, there's this HUGE spider web in my back yard, stationed between the patio and a profusion of sunflowers.
It's the biggest, most gigantic spider web I've ever seen in my life. It looks like the one that was in that old 1950's SciFi John Agar flick Tarantula. About 100 feet in diameter (give or take).
The very thought of the size of the spider that made the web is enough to chill me from the brim of my hat to the heels of my boots.
I never did see the spider, but the web has been there for days. My initial reaction was to pulverize it with a broom (a big broom). Then, my sappy sentimental side got the better of me.
The web was extremely intricately formed and really quite beautiful - despite, of course, the fact that it was weaved by a big ugly hairy odious bastard. I just couldn't force myself to destroy it. Every day I would see it glistening with dew in the sunlight and every day I liked it more. A tantalizing token of Mother Nature right here in my back yard. I left the web alone.
Two days later:
It's dusk and getting dark quickly. I'm completely exhausted after doing several hours of grueling yard work. I'm sweaty & thirsty & aching all over. My eyes burn & sting from allergies. I'm stumbling towards the house, heading for the back door in the murky embrace of heavy dusk. Spider webs are the last thing on my mind.
Need I say more? You've got this one all figured out, don't you?
BLAM! SPLAT! HOLY JEHOSHAPHAT!!
I'm suddenly completely enmeshed in spider web. Completely. I'm wearing it. I'm dragging it. I'm breathing and tasting it. I'm immersed in it.
I'm praying to the Patron Saints of Faux Cowboys that the angry owner of the web isn't on me somewhere. Luckily, he isn't. He's probably on the sidelines, laughing.
It's no laughing matter. I stumble inside the house. Peel off my web-covered clothes. Throw them in the wash. I take a long hot shower with plenty of soap and shampoo.
I vow revenge. I plan my strategy: bug spray, pesticides, small explosives, big brooms - - whatever it takes.
Jon
Should I apologize to global warming enthusiasts and Hillary fans?
Naw, to hell with it!!!
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This entry has 17 comments: (Add your own)
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I will trade you bees, hornets, and wasps for your spiders!
By any chance, did those neighbors of yours take pictures of you running into that web? We had one like that in the garage in AZ. I named the spider "Madonna" because it was obviously very ambitious, but eventually my friend's husband broomed it out. At least when Madonna was on her web we knew where she was!
xoxo -
No one likes getting snagged in a web....even if they don't mind spider. Trust me on this one.
:)
I'm just curious....what color ARE you painting??? -
Why not ask the neighbors would they like to join you painting. I hate getting in a spider web, especially in the face. Helen
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LOL Jon given the chance I would join your neighbours and sit and watch YOU ~ and just to please you I would bring along some cards numbered 1 to 10 and give you my honest opinion of what I thought of your work :o) and as for spiders I walked through a web when I visited my sister and took the whole web indoors and it still had the Spider hanging from it ~ threw my jacket on the floor but that spider was hanging from the bottom of my skirt (I didn't throw that off though) my nephew came and scooped the spider up horrible big hairy thing it was ~ the thought of it still makes me shudder :o)
I always enjoy reading your journal ~ Ally
http://journals.aol.co.uk/ally123130585918/Lifewithally
8/23/07 9:33 AM