Jen's Journal

10:36:41 PM CDT
Feeling Happy

I'm happy to be writing here! It's been awhile.

So -

We quit smoking. Saturday was our last day. My goodness - this was the easiest thing I've ever done! The last time I quit (in 2003) was easy also but it was because I was sick for a month and couldn't smoke so once I finally started feeling better I just never picked a cigarette back up. Until about 2006 at the Zoo - and actually I think it was with Lane... That sucks. Ya, I think it was in St. Augustine actually. When I moved here - he of course wasn't smoking - but then I kept on so he joined me. Well enough is enough. I don't want to die of cancer or another smoke related death - so I quit.

I also started my diet (yes again times 1000) April 1st. I've lost 9 pounds. I will be honest and admit that I had an off day today - I ate Chinese and Ice Cream - ha ha! This is the 1st fast food in almost a month and the first sweet treat as well. I don't feel guilty or anything... I actually feel happy about it. In the past if I screwed up I just assumed it was over and ate everything bad until I gained back all I had lost.

Lane is really being supportive too.

Lane - gosh - I can't even explain the complete 360 he's done for the better in the almost 2 years I've been here. It's practically unheard of. He's now working... 48 hours a week at least. He's at full pay too so his pay checks are quite nice. We spend the late evenings together - usually watch a movie - then Sundays we spend all day out in the woods or creek or something else fun together.

My parents are supposively taking us and Stacy & Jesse on a cruise in October. If it happens it will be FABULOUS! So excited...Gotta get a passport.

Steve and his girlfriend aren't doing so good. Last time I talked to him he finally admitted he wasn't very happy anymore. My heart really goes out to him because I've known she isn't "the one" for a long time now... but he wants it to work out and keeps giving her more and more chances. Ah well - we shall see... I've gotta go pick up Lane now - so I'll write more later. I'm wanting to for sure get back into DAILY writing... It's good for the soul.

Jennifer

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8:23:11 AM CST

That's cool, because I've been waiting for it to snow and had kinda given up on the fact that it would. Of course it's probably going to stop soon and be melted by tonight, but you never know.

The coming days are sad. We have to get rid of our 2 pot belly pigs, Dasiy & Newton. We are both pretty devistated about it. One of our stupid neighbors called animal control. They've been out there almost a year and no one has ever known. They don't make noise, smell or cause any trouble what-so-ever. It's just bull crap. We're just not allowed to have "hooved" animals within city limits. We'd love to move but Lane only qualifies for a loan which requires 5% down. We don't have the $7000 we'd need. Sooo - looks like we've just got to give them up. I found a place to board them for $150 per month but that's a tad expensive concidering they only cost us $9 a month now. So we're giving them away. I'm kinda dreading it. I brought them inside the other day, gave them a bath and let them walk around the house. But all they wanted to do was search for food and so I booted them right out back. You can't make an out door pig and indoor pig. So sad.

Remember that awesome Christmas gift we got from Lane's parents? The Garmin GPS? Well - Lane accidently left the car doors unlocked and someone stole it right from our driveway. I was furious and sad and the incident has left me very uncomfortable. I don't like the feeling of knowing someone is bold enough to walk up to the house and open our car door and steal from us. Especially with that big bay window in the front yard. Takes some serious balls and now I am constantly in fear that some bad guy is lurking around out front. Anyway, I knew we couldn't NOT have the Garmin since we'd grown so accustomed to having it and especially since we travel so much - I bought a new one. I got it off ebay for like $220. Still $80 cheaper than retail, but I hated to fork out the extra cash for something we already had... I am always on Lane to lock the doors. He just forgets. Expensive lesson that I don't think he's learned.

Then for Lanes birthday his parents got him a Wii. That is great fun! I love playing it! You actually do get exercise too, ha ha! They need to make a work out Wii game that's fun to play and gets you even more exercise. I'm really good at bowling & golf. I'm ok in tennis, but that's not a fun sport for me to begin with. Although Lane is awesome in tennis and his family loves to play. Maybe this year, Lane and I will go hit some balls at the court by the house. It's good exersise for sure. Lane and his brother were state champions in high school. His brother is really good too, but Lane is best.

Lane got a job. It's tough on both of us. He's worked 72 hours the past 4 weeks and I only saw him basically on the drive to and from work. Otherwise he was sleeping or working. Then they have him work 6 or 7 days a week. It's terrible. We're just waiting for his 60 calendar days to be up so that he can FINALLY start making the big bucks. They also gave him a promotion to a higher paying title - and today is his 2nd day doing it. Yesterday he came home saying it was TERRIBLE, so I hope today goes better for him.

My hair is growing back a lot. It's twice as long as Lane's now and he cut it before I did. It looks like a helmet now or something. It's puffy and kinda sticks up in all directions. Ha ha! I don't EVER wear a wig now. Part of me really wants to keep it this short and the other part of me wants to grow it long. I am not sure if I mentioned how I had shaved it here or not... Can't remember, but I did say to someone that I don't recommend shaving your head and I totally retract that statement. I didn't feel "liberated" or anything like I've seen women in the past say, but I felt the overall experience was great and I would definately do it again. Infact... once I grow it all the way out maybe I'll make a bet with some unexpecting person in the future for like $500 that I'll shave my head! Too bad hair doesn't grow back any faster or I could make a small fortune just shaving my head all the time, LOL.

My Grandpa is getting married. Grandma only died in January of last year... I mean, the lady is nice and all, but I just don't see the benefit of getting married at 70. She has no money and he has lots in stocks and about $700,000 in his house and probably another $300,000 in his cabin... which will be left in my Dad and Uncles name... But still. If my Gramps dies - and he will before Sharon does for sure, she's really going to "luck out". I guess it doesn't really matter. I'm not getting anything in the will... It will just all go to my Dad and his brother. Then when my parents die they will leave their stash to me and Stacy. Of course I don't want them to die... then again if I don't start losing weight and getting healthier, Stacy will get it all because I'll probably go before them. That would suck. I really don't like the idea of death. It's just so perminant. And sure, who know's whats on the other side, it could be better but I love my family and friends so much that no place could be that great without them.

Steve is having trouble with his girlfriend. I know she's not "the one" for him and really didn't like how she's trying to push him into another marriage situation but at the same time I don't want him to be alone. She's living with him but went out to a bar the other night and didn't come home until 8 am the next morning, then lied repeatedly about where she had been. Now he's giving her yet ANOTHER chance. If it were me she'd have pulled up to all of her stuff in the driveway. Then he said he'd need proof if she were cheating and I just roll my eyes at that. If your girl goes out to the bar with a GUY friend, mind  you, then doesn't come home and lies about where she'd been - that's cheating enough for me.

Lane's been sober for going on like a year now. I should probably find out when that actually was so we know. He's also not had a "run in" with drugs either. He's really turned around for the better. He's so grateful also. Now we're getting our bills paid, paying off some debt and getting things turned around. It's a positive feeling.

Since he's been working I've pretty much had to take over our entire business and it's pretty hard on me. I'm not able to work as much because for my job I've gotta be right at the computer to read which ever script pops up.

I'm actually wanting to log in now, but can't because I'm waiting on the DSL/phone guys to get here. 7 of them came out yesterday for over 3 HOURS trying to figure out why everytime the phone rings it shuts off my DSL. This has been going on for over a year and has finally pushed me over the edge. I can't stand it and with my job I can't keep losing a connection. It really messes me up. So I was so happy when they left, even ran me a new line and gave me a new modem... for free. Then about 4 hours later... RING RING... DSL goes out. Then I started keeping track and it went out 5 more times... So they will probably be back out soon... and not very happy about it I imagine.

Well, that's it for now. It's getting cold in here and I need to go turn up the heat.

Jennifer

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7:09:27 AM CST

I've fallen behind on this journal so much lately. Trust me I DO have so much time to do it, I just don't for whatever reason and I really miss it.

The Holidays were good. We got some great stuff from Lanes parents including a 200w Garmin Nuvi GPS for the car. I will NEVER get lost again. This thing is amazing. They got it from Stacy & Jesse (because Jesse got it for a good price from his work). I love the thing and don't know how I've ever lived without it. LOL.

Christmas with my parents was um... well - I ended up leaving after a day (was supposed to be at least 3 days) but my Dad and I got into a huge screaming match so I left. He did put new breaks on my back tires though and I'm thankful for that.

I really enjoyed my visit with Stacy and Jesse though. We went to the melting pot for dinner... $86 worth of dinner for 2 people, lol. I won't be going back there very often. I insisted on getting the $15 dessert fondue (because I thought we had a $12 off coupon, but the dumb waitress didn't let us use it after Stacy used hers).

Their new house is INCREDIBLE. Oh what I wouldn't give to live in that house... It was HUGE and so awesome. We ended up coming home early though to get back to our life and work and guinea pigs. It's good to be home.

I shaved my head some time before Christmas. It looks ok actually. It was on my list of things to do before I die... although dying it bright green is on there too and so I should have done that first, then shaved it off, lol... But I guess the green thing will have to wait for the future. I went out and bought 4 different really cute wigs, but I don't even wear them. I mean, heck, I shaved off hair, why should I put more back on my head? I go out everywhere without them, except to Lane's parents house... if we go there, then I wear one. I don't want to freak his Dad out, lol... but of course they know I did it.

I haven't talked to Steve in like a week. Last time I spoke to him I was kinda rude because he was being a jerk about something related to not having protected sex... which I think he should do regardless of what Lisa says about it - unless he wants to wind up with a little baby. Then he said in spite, well maybe I do - to which I was like, Ok whatever Steve have a nice life. So I hope he's doing good.

Shannon's baby just turned a year old and I've never even seen her in person yet. That sucks. This year I am turning 28 which also sucks. I remember about 10years ago, I was always saying 30 seemed like the perfect age... Now I feel differently. Time is going by way to fast. Don't blink for sure.

Lane's looking for an outside job. He may end up going back to Petsmart. He's been trying to get a job at this bag factory that pays really well and gives lots of overtime... but they haven't called him back yet. Work has been slow for me.

Ok - I'm closing this for now.
Jennifer

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10:57:20 AM CST
Feeling Chillin'

I was reading through some of my older entries and I got to thinking I am constantly contradicting myself or being hypocritical... then I came to the conclusion that it's not true.

Everyday that we live it changes who we are. One day I may love chicken, then the next day I can eat chicken that gives me food poisoning and I decide I'll never eat it again. See what I'm trying to say? Everyday that we live we are growing and changing. Our choices, wants and desires stem from life experiences, results and consequences. No one person is set in stone in any which way unless they are dead.

So now I feel better about worring that I am a hypocritical person. Because I don't want that label. I actually don't want any labels. I just want to be respected and thought of as a good person with some intelligence who is trying to find their way in life. Those are the labels I'll accept.

Well, the Christmas tree is up! It looks pretty good. We took our Christmas Picture and got our Christmas cards out. We pretty much finished painting the living room. We've got the kitchen to do next and who knows when that will happen.

The lady from the OA meeting never called me back - and I didn't call her so of course I haven't been back to a meeting. I should probably call her because I don't want to go out there on my own  - it's a 30 or 40 minute drive.

Last night Lane & I went over to his parents house to get his clarinets so I could teach myself to play - then we found his recital video from 2000 and watched it. It was UNBELIEVEABLE! I had no idea he was so brilliant. I mean really, it was beautiful. (When he first told me he played clarinet - I was thinking how gay, a guy who plays clarinet) Well let me tell you there was NOTHING gay about it. He was so cute all dressed in a tux standing up infront of a huge crowd and boy he was nothing short of amazing. Needless to say, we came home without the clarinets. HA HA. After watching that, there was no way I'd be able to sit around and try to practice because all I'd be able to think of is how good he was. I wish he could still play like that. I also wish my parents could see it because I think they would gain more respect for him.

He's been practicing his accordian a lot lately, lol. It's a pretty cool instrument as well. I've got a talented BF.

I also got my Christmas present from myself. A Nikon D80. Bought it off ebay. Came with 3 awesome lenses and a $400 flash. I paid a big chunk of change for it, but not near as much as I'd of paid had it come from the store brand new and it's in pretty much brand new shape. I also suspect that Lane got me something good for Christmas, but I'm not 100% on that. He was just running around and going to his parents house with no legitimate reason as to why so I think it had something to do with my gift. He's a pretty good gift giver, but I can't imagine what it is this year. Better not get my hopes to high, lol.

Well, I've got stuff to start doing around the house. Ta Ta!

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11:00:55 PM CST

Mom's been telling me to do it for years. YEARS!

"You should go to Overeaters Anonymous!"

Ya - Ya. Whatever. I'd type it into the AOL search engine. I'd locate a meeting... I'd see there were quite a few meetings I could easily attend. I'd click the little red X in the upper right hand corner and I'd go into the kitchen and eat.

Only this time - I called the phone number. And Cheryl actually answered. And we talked - and she was nice... and she told me she'd love to meet me at Sundays meeting. So I agreed to call her Sunday afternoon to confirm. I woke up and decided I wouldn't be calling her. I even decided just in case she called me I wouldn't answer the phone. I could always go another time.

But she called me... and without realizing the name on the caller ID was hers, I answered. She asked if I was coming - and I tried to think of quick exscuses but didn't have a good one. She said "What if I come get you - you are on the way!" A trap. How could I say No? So I agreed. 5 minutes to get ready.

We talked the whole way there... mostly I talked. I want help. I know my issues. I just can't do it on my own.

The meeting was decent. It wasn't over the top wonderful, but it was nice being with others who welcomed me and viewed me for who I am - and seemed to listen when I spoke and gave me encouraging words and hoped I would return.

I think I will.

In fact - I think that after a few more visits I'm going to set up a meeting locally. I've been thinking of things I could do that would help others and also help me. Volunteering at the animal shelter, at the retirement home, being a Big Sister at the YMCA or working a crisis hotline... Something that would enable me to share with others which would in turn help me... maybe this is what I can do? Help encourage others who share my issue in a loving and compassionate way.

This whole thing with Lane has got me twisted up inside. The truth is that I don't know what I want. Being a wife and a mother has always been a "dream" of mine - but a dream and a reality are very different. My purpose in life may not be either of those things and if not - that is fine. But I also don't want to settle or sell myself short and I think that my self esteem and weight play a large part in my mixed up feelings.

I want to stop dumping my emotional "garbage" on others.
I want to stop binging on food as a way to fill the empty hole.
I want to get off this computer and live.
I want to let go of the pain that eats away my insides.
I want to keep my home clean and clutter free.
I want to have real friends that have something to offer me and vise versa.
I want to have the energy and stamina to do normal everyday things.
I want to look in the mirror and truly LOVE the person I see.
I want to STOP making exscuses for my laziness.
I want to be the best that I can at all times.
I want to love someone who loves me.
I want to share my thoughts and ideas freely with others without worrying what they really think of me.
I want to stop letting food control me.
I want to be in control.

So I think that by forming a support system with others going through what I am may be the answer. So I'm going to start working the 12 steps because they work. If they aren't working - then I am doing something wrong.

So I'm still trying. I still believe that this is a battle I can win. I am not going to ever give up.

That makes me feel good.

Thanks Mom!

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9:54:04 AM CST

Yesterday - Lane decided to "man up" about his feelings because I guess I've been doing what I always have done - pushing towards a future of marriage and children... Not so much saying this and that about marriage and children - obviously I'm not ready for either. Maybe I never will be - but I still have that gut instinct in me way down deep.

He said our life goals don't match. (This is not so much a surprise because I've known those were never dreams of his.)

He said he loves me - but he is not IN love with me.

Also - not really a huge surprise. But we live as a couple. We live in a commited relationship with hugging, kissing, laughing, dancing, holding hands, dates... affection.

But he doesn't want to have sex with me and I don't want to have sex with him. Let me clear up my part. In my head, I think about having sex... but in the physical world I don't want to.

This is the same issue I had with Steve. I didn't want to do it with him either. Maybe something is wrong with me or maybe I am just not a sexual person. I don't know.

But he told me that if we can keep things the exact way they are now - for as long as it lasts, then he will be happy - just so long as I never expect to marry him or have kids with him. If those dreams of mine are very real then I should probably leave because he doesn't want to be responsible for closing my "window" on false hopes.

So what do I do with this?

Cause on the one hand - it's true, my feelings are much stronger. I love him. I mean I feel like I am IN LOVE with him. He is also my best friend, my partner and the person I can see myself enjoying life with as we continue to grow older. We could have a commited "friendship with affection" for a very long time.

On the other hand - I can't just turn off those lovey dovey feelings of forever and marriage and children and white picket fences and wide open spaces.

But then when I really think about it - I also don't really want that. I am a LONG LONG LONG way from being ready to be a wife to another - seeing as how my 1st marriage failed. And having a child? That is almost histerical because the moral reasons for not bringing a child in to this world are all still very real. I have like 5 things that I must accomplish personally before ever really doing it. And those 5 things would make me a brand new person. And the person I will be then may not even want children. Not all of us were meant to be parents.

So basically - that uncertainty post for today could not ring truer. I've talked with my parents and sister about all of this and they of course have mixed feelings. I wish there was someone I could talk to who could help me figure my own self out. Because the truth is - as much as a blow this was - just because it was said outloud - it wasn't very much a blow at all! I knew these things... I just overlooked them. And I was ok with it.

But when it's said outloud - it's different. It's more real than just knowing. But again - this changes nothing. I still feel the same for him. I still want to be here. I still want to continue on the road I'm traveling because the uncertainty of the future seems so beautiful to me.

And he didn't tell me this under angry terms. We weren't fighting or arguing. He just said, "hey look - this needs to be said" and he was trying to do the right thing by letting me know that if I want to stay that I won't ever get the 2 things that I seem to act like I want.

And sure - someone telling you - hey IT'S NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN - sucks... But what if I already knew it would never happen? I mean deep down... I'm just a dreamer.

And I feel kinda just numb - but still OK. It's odd to feel this way. After all was said and done - even though I was very emotional yesterday - I feel surprisingly renued. And like that this isn't the end - it's the begining. And I can always change anything I want at any time. I have all of my familys support on whatever I decide and that of course is the most important thing.

So - here's to uncertainty... because I've got a lot of it right now.

But I feel good.

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9:36:48 AM CST Friday, November 16, 2007

 

Uncertainty

 

The past is safe and certain, and yet it is gone. The future is filled with endless uncertainty, and yet it is also filled with limitless possibilities.

Something will happen today that you didn't expect. It might be uncomfortable, it might be inconvenient, and it might even disrupt your life in a big way.

And yet, how terribly bland and unbearably tedious life would be if nothing unexpected ever happened. Though uncertainty is a bit frightening, it also brings much richness to life.

You are designed and equipped not only to deal with life's uncertainties, but to in fact transcend them. Out of a little uncertainty you can create a lot of positive value.

If you attempt to hide from uncertainty, you'll also be hiding from the best things life has to offer. Instead, accept and embrace uncertainty, and know that you can make the best of whatever comes along.

Today does not come with a guarantee. And because of that, you have the opportunity to make of it whatever you choose.

-- Ralph Marston

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9:35:54 AM CST

Thursday, November 15, 2007

 Learn to love

Learn to love challenge, and you'll fill your life with accomplishment. Learn to love effort, and your skills will grow more valuable with each passing day.

Learn to love making a difference, and doors will quickly open for you wherever you go. Learn to love giving freely of yourself, and you'll receive more fulfillment than you ever could imagine.

Learn to love being the authentic person you are, and everything you do will be infused with integrity. Learn to love whatever work you're doing, and that work will bring abundant rewards.

Learn to love beauty for beauty's sake, and you'll discover a wealth of it in places no one else would even think to look. Learn to love unconditionally, and there will be no limit to what your love can accomplish.

Learn to love life just because it is, and each day will be a grand new adventure. Learn to love the moment you're in, and you'll find richness in every direction.

Learn to love the possibilities, and you'll make your way to whatever you seek. Learn to love no matter what, and you'll discover what a miracle you truly are.

-- Ralph Marston

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12:35:43 PM CDT

I can't believe it's been that long since I've written.

So what's been going on...

I'm right now sitting in my front yard at my Garage Sale. It's been ok. I've made $130 so far. Mostly selling off my movies. I've still got like 400 in the house - these were just the ones I could live without. Now of course it's slowing down because it's nearing 12:30 and it looks like I've still got a bunch more crap then I really want!!! So I'm pretty sure I'm just going to leave the boxes of books outside and write FREE on the box.

I actually managed to sell quite a few of them for 10 cents a pop!

Last month Stacy got married to Jesse. It was a kick ass wedding. The best one I've ever been to. Supposively I was a big hit because of my Wedding Speech and Song... Yes, Lane played Guitar and I sang. It was pretty awesome.

Got a bunch of new clothes for cheap. That was exciting. They were having a sale on sale items. Can't complain there.

Lane and I are doing really well. Shannon pointed out how much Lane has changed in the past year and I guess I didn't really realize just how much he had changed. He is like a completely different person in a good way. We keep getting closer and closer as time passes.

Kim came to stay for a while but since she and Lane kept butting heads she went home early. That was kinda sad.

My birthday was nice. Lane and I went to dinner and he worked really hard ALL NIGHT long on my birthday present, which was a collage of pictures of us and our life together. We were supposed to go digging for diamonds but Lane had a Skateboarding accident, LOL.

He messed up his ankle really bad and its just now starting to get better. So luckily... NO MORE SKATEBOARDING! I guess if you want to enjoy those types of activities you should start at an earlier age!

Our business is going pretty well. I just actually went and made it an official business with the city along with a EIN and everything. The reason I did this is because I want to open an oline store with our website... unfortunately that hasn't happened yet because it's going to cost us about $500 right off the bat to buy the supplies we need.

Lane trimmed all the hedges around the house and it looks pretty awesome. Almost professional if you ask me... only difference is a professional would have picked up all the trimmings and he's yet to do that, although he only trimmed them 2 days ago, so it's still alrighth.

It rained here for days but it's been clear for about a week now. It's COLD! But I love it... The trees are finally starting to change also - they are late this year.

Everything else is going well.

I saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching FROM Geico to Progressive!!! Almost $500 worth!!!!!! Forget Geico! They rip you off!!!

I also switched Steve's homeowners insurance to Nationwide and it looks like it will save him almost $100 a month on his mortgage... So that's good. Steve's house looks great. He's painted the whole thing and finished the floors and they are in the works of getting it furnished. His girlfriend moved in about 3 weeks ago. They seem to be doing alright but I did warn Steve about getting too seriously involved too fast, since Lisa is now his 2nd girlfriend. Imagine only having 2 girlfriends ever and marrying both of them! He said he's not as dumb as I think he is, which I don't think he's dumb... But I did insist that if they do marry - or he ever marrys anyone to sign a pre-nup regarding the house. Because I'm not just handing him a house for some girl to try to take it from him. That would piss me off. Steve deserves his house!

Ack... darn sun, keeps following me all around the yard making it impossible to see the screen. And my keys are getting hot hot hot!

JJeennnniiffeerr

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10:52:36 AM CDT

These 2 messages for these particular 2 days need to be read and remembered by myself.

 

Tuesday, September 11, 2007 A little higher

There will be days so dreadful that you may regret ever getting out of bed, and there will be days so beautiful that you'll wish they would never end. You can make something good and valuable out of all of them.

Some people you meet will make you instantly feel that you've known them for years. Others you meet may make you want to get as far away from them as quickly as you can.

All kinds of people are equally worthy of your kindness, respect and consideration, and have their own valuable gifts to offer. Remind yourself often of that.

There will be stretches of time when you'll feel you can't get anything right, and there will be periods when everything you touch seems to turn to gold. Don't allow either extreme to get the best of you or to compromise your precious integrity.

You'll experience times of boundless joy, and moments of overwhelming frustration. You'll discover places of extraordinary beauty, and regions of terrifying ugliness.

Through it all, remember that whatever you may encounter is virtually insignificant when compared with what you choose to do with it. Always choose the best response, no matter what comes your way, and each day you'll rise a little higher than you were the day before.

-- Ralph Marston

 

Wednesday, September 12, 2007 A little taste

Give yourself a little taste of accomplishment. And you'll find yourself wanting more.

Decide that you're going to finally take the first step toward a truly beautiful and meaningful dream. Soon you'll be running quickly and enthusiastically toward it.

Experience how great it feels to provide someone else with something of real value. You'll discover useful and positive things about yourself that you never knew before.

Stroll along the shore and get your feet wet in the ocean of fulfillment. Before long you'll be diving all the way in.

Seek to comprehend and to express what it means to you to be fully alive. Remember the reasons and purposes that make you who you are.

Take a little taste of life in all its richness and meaning. And give yourself an insatiable appetite for truly being your best.

-- Ralph Marston

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