Jenn's Lost Life

3:04:08 PM EDT
Feeling Sad I've had enough. I'm tired, sick of feeling like shit. I don't think I should have a kid, I should have left her at my aunts house. I want to sleep all day everyday. In the past 2 weeks I haven't used drugs, I do drink though. There have been 4 times over the past 2 weeks that I overdosed on sleeping pills. Why? I have no fucking idea. I don't even remember doing it. Joe picked me up from work one night I seemed fine at first next thing he know's I was passed out in has car. He counted what was in the bottle of sleeping pills I had just bought, I took 8 and drank 2 bottles of wine. A few nights later I had a bit to drink and took 13 sleeping pills. Two nights ago I took about 10. I don't know what I'm doing or why. Last night I don't remember most of the night, I don't know why I found an unused syringe in my pocketbook this morning. I took a few xanax and an ambien and had a few drinks. I really don't mean to be getting waisted. Joe thinks I'm subconsciously trying to kill myself because of how depressed I've been. He said I'm still a drug addict just replacing dope for other things. I'll probably die a lot quicker this way than I would on dope.

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10:05:07 PM EDT
Feeling Frustrated A lot has happened since my last entry. I fell into a bad depression, had the wrong people in my life and starting using heroin towards the end of December. By January those so called friends were sticking needles in my arms for me and robbing me when I was too out of it to know what was going on from the dope. Soon enough I was shooting up from the moment I woke up in the morning till I passed out at night from doing too much. I signed custody of Emma over to my aunt so she wouldn't have to be around me like that. I spent every moment I was awake shooting up, crying, trying to figure out how to get more drugs and eventually passing out from using way too many drugs. I came real close to dying many times. March 2nd I signed myself into the hospital. By the time I got there I was unconscious. I woke up about 12 hours later in detox with a nurse standing over me. She said I was only breathing 8 times a minnute so they didn't want to leave me alone in case I stopped breathing. They thought I tried to kill myself. I told her that was just a normal night for me, if anything I had used less than I usually did. I was sick for 2 weeks straight. Withdrawal seemed like it would never end. After I was released from detox I had to go back to the hospital for dehydration 5 more times cause I couldn't stop puking. I was in really bad shape. I still don't feel great. Sometimes I wonder why I bothered stopping. Emma was safe and happy at my aunts house. She would have had a great life with them if I left her there. Yeah she missed me and would get sad every once in a while but with time that would have faded. I was less miserable on drugs, at least I didn't remember how miserable I was and could stick a needle in my arm to numb it out anytime I wanted to. Hopefully with time it gets better. Hopefully with time I forget drugs. I've had Emma back for 2 weeks now. She's happy to be home again.

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2:01:22 PM EST
Feeling Hopeful Wednesday night I had 3 glasses of wine at work and last night I had 3 drinks too. I can't do my job without drinking a little but I don't need to get drunk. I'm gonna try to get to the point where I don't drink at all there but not yet. There is only so much I can handle at once. I was asked twice if I want coke over the last 2 nights. Both times I said NOOOO and walked away. I think I can do this without rehab, without NA, just with my friends to help me through the rough times. 

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2:59:56 AM EST
Feeling Hopeful

I've been through a lot of shit in my life. It weakend me, wore me down and made me more vulnerable to end up hooked on drugs and in the possition I am in now. Nothing I have been through has destroyed as much of me as drugs have. Right now is the longest I have gone in 6 months without using anything. The longer the drugs and alcohol are out of my system the more clear my thinking is. The more I look around and see all the damage that has been done over the past few months. I went from being a pre med student on the deans list last year to this semester getting all F's and just completely stoped going to school. It's probably too late now for me to even register for classes for next semester. Looking at my daughters face in her quiet moments she looks a little sad and scared. Unsure of what's gonna happen next. I make about half what I used to make at work because of getting so fucked up there that I couldn't work and would just sit around or leave early. I haven't lived over the past 6 months, so many sunny days passed that I did nothing, never went out into the sun light. I'm skinny, pale, look unhealthy now. I used to go to the gym 4 or 5 times a weak and be in great shape. I don't blame any of this on my job. Yes a lot of strippers are drug addicts but at the same time there are many that are not. I am the one that turned to drugs because I wanted an escape from all the bad things that have happened in my life. Being a stripper I just had enough money to do that. In the club I work in the majority of the girls are not on drugs. I have become good friends with the owner of the club I work in. He has been great helping me to stay away from drugs. I can call him anytime and he'll sit on the phone with me for an hour or more and when I get off the phone I feel so much better, inspired to make positive changes in my life. I almost cracked tonight, too overwhelmed by my mess of a life. Wanting to excape from it. When I was just about to give in I called him and after talking to him I can't tell you how much better I feel. There are 5 great people in my life that have been a huge help to me he is one of them, Emma, my ex boyfriend Rob, my best friend Joe, and Dan who just came into my life recently. So far Dan seems to have seen me behind the cloud of drugs and reached out to that person he saw and is trying to pull me out. He has given me hope and been there for me, showing me that there is more in this world beyond my dark cloud.  Rob loves me and Emma, I know he is always there if I need to talk and he really knows me better than anyone else ever has. He is closer to me than anyone ever has been. Joe is there whenever I need him and he can do anything to help me and Emma. He is one of the best friends I have ever had. Emma is my hope, my love, my happines, the only reason I am still here. I need to not let these people down, I need to be strong and pull through this because none of them deserve to be hurt watching me destroy myself. I need to be here in case one day any of them need me. I'm so lucky to have them all in my life. I need to clean up the mess my life has become, not get overwhelmed and take it one step at a time. keep me in prayers please.    

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6:36:08 PM EST
Feeling Hopeful Over the past 3 weeks I slipped up and used coke maybe 3 or 4 times and E 2 times. I feel a lot healthier. I haven't drank or anything in about 4 days now.

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11:53:50 AM EST
Feeling Hopeful I have been using a lot less over the past 2 weeks. I have been drinking more but much less drugs. My goal is to get through this week without using any drugs. Right now I feel almost healthy, it's been 2 days since I've touched anything. If I make it through the whole week that will be the longest I've gone without drugs in over 6 months. Say some prayers for me I really want to do this.

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7:44:26 PM EST
Feeling Quiet Not moving. I went to Buffalo and decided I didn't want to be there so I can home 2 days later. I've been doing better with drugs, a few screw ups but definitely a big improvement from how I was doing before and determined to get that shit out of my life for good. I'm going to work as much as I can until next semester starts. I'll save up enough so I don't have to work at all next semester. Then I will move closer to school which is an hour commute from where I live now. If I'm an hour away from my job I'll be more likely to stay away and not be tempted to work during next semester.

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4:31:39 PM EST
Feeling Anxious I decided that things aren't working out here. School is a disaster this semester, still having a hard time with the drugs, I need to leave. I decided this morning that me and Emma are going to move to Buffalo. Next week we'll make another trip to Buffalo to find an apartment and set a few things up. I'm going to aply for school there and look at some preschools for Emma. After I get that all set we'll come back home and pack everything up. I'm just walking away from the classes I was taking this semester so I'll get F's in everything. If I do decide to come back I can just retake those classes and they new grades will replace the F's so I guess it's not a huge deal. I've never moved somewhere so far away. This is going to be a huge change. The clubs in Buffalo were a lot more upscale than the place I work now, not nearly as relaxed. I'm going to have to learn to pole dance. That should be interesting.

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1:07:22 PM EST
Feeling Hopeful

I got home late last night after my 7 hour drive home. The portable DVD player for the car is the best investment I have ever made for a road trip. Emma was silent like the entire ride. I was able to do the whole ride with her awake only making two 15 minute stops. Lat night I stoped by my job, I talked to my manager about her helping me to stay away from drugs while I'm at work. She said she'd keep an eye on me and try to keep me out of trouble. I am feeling so much healthier and better, I woke up this morning and actually have energy today. Hopefully feeling this much better is enough motivation to stay away from all that shit. If I still can't stay away I'm packing my stuff and leaving here for good. I'm working Friday and Saturday night, how this weekend goes will determine what I'll be doing.

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1:19:03 AM EST
Feeling Quiet

Thursday I was lying on my couch depressed and miserable. I couldn't take it anymore so I decided to pack a bag, grab my kiddo and take off. I'm at my sisters house in Buffalo 400 miles from home now. I've been away from drugs and everything for a few days, my head is starting to clear up. I can't decide if I should go home or not. Maybe I need a change, maybe I should just move here and give up on school for this semester. Maybe running from my problems isn't the answer. If I really work hard and focus, cut down on work a lot, and stay the hell away from drugs I could still get decent grades this semester. I went out to a few strip clubs in the area tonight to check them out. They are much different over here. Much bigger than the place I work, kind of intimidating. It seems that drugs are everywhere in this line of work, I have to find the stregnth on my own to stay away from them. I want so bad to feel healthy again. I don't want to feel like I live in a dark cloud anymore. This is not life. I feel like I'm physically falling apart because of all the shit I put into my body over the past few months. My lungs are feeling better now but something else is wrong. For the past week I've been getting these weird muscular pains. They are getting worse. My neck feels all stiff, the back of my head hurts, almost every muscle in my body feels so sore and hurts if I even lightly touch it. I'm scared that maybe I did some kind of permanent damage to myself.

I am so afraid of big changes and really bad about making decisions. I will probably end up going back home tomorrow. Facing my problems rather than running away is probably the only way. If I do I need to refocus and make a lot of changes when I get back home. I need to get to a doctor and find out what is wrong with me now. I need to focus on Emma, school, and getting healthy again.

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