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Friday, August 29, 2008
9/2- PCW Extreme Political TV
PCW EXTREME POLITICAL TV- MORE FROM PCW LOCK AND LOAD 3 August 24TH from PCW Hall in Eagle Rock, Ohio
HOST: Johnny Suave on play-by-play with his life-size cardboard cut-out of Shania Twain on color commentary
EXPLODING SHEEP UNDERGROUND PRODUCTIONS Movie screen comes down and starts to show different images. Several photos of Madonna appear. Next, a Rubik’s cube. Molly Ringwald. Debbie Gibson. Then ALF. Suave: “Oh! I get it. Old, washed up relics from the 80’s!”
Suave: “We are back at PCW Lock and Load 3. We’re still waiting for Barack Obama to formally announce who his aide de camp will be.” Suave notes that he’s still waiting for Obama to text the name of his aide de camp. Suave: “Okay, we’re going to check out another one of John McCain’s houses to see if he’s there.
JOHN McCAIN’S HOUSE…AGAIN The camera shows no one there. Suave: “Damn. I guess we’ll try another one of his houses later.”
Suave recaps the Big Oil/American Trucker/Average Joe feud. Big Oil and his tag team partner, the Wall Street Market Analyst with a huge man crush on ESPN’s Kirk Herbstreit, Kirk Walstreit defeats American Trucker and Average Joe at the PCW Loose Cannons Unleashed pay per view in June and get revenge on the duo for taking Big Oil’s big ass wheelbarrow full of cash. Per the stipulation, American Trucker had to give back his brand new semi-truck and Average Joe his brand new house. But then…
The crowd boos and throws debris into the ring. Big Oil gives the American Trucker an Oklahoma Driller just for spit. He takes the mic and gloats. He holds up four fingers to signify ‘$4 per gallon of gas’ and tells both Average Joe and American Trucker that you ‘don’t @#$# with people with money and power.’ Big Oil: “We can do anything we want to and there’s nothing you can do or say to stop us.” More boos and debris. Big Oil holds his hand out and demands that American Trucker turn over the title to his semi-truck and Average Joe the title to his house. The Extreme Attorneys- Felcher and Felcher, walk out to the ring. R Felcher goes to Big Oil and hands him a sheet of paper. Big Oil: “What the @#$# is this?” R Felcher: “This is an injunction.” The PCW fans stand and cheer. Big Oil looks stunned. B Felcher: “This injunction prohibits you, or anyone else, from taking possession the American Trucker’s truck or Average Joe’s house.” R Felcher: “This means, both items in question will stay in the possession of the American Trucker and Average Joe. Suave: “I don’t believe it! The crowd is actually cheering the Extreme Attorneys.” Big Oil throws a major in ring fit and leaves. On the way out, he shouts if Average Joe’s house and American Trucker’s rig isn’t returned to him, he’ll push for $5 per gallon gas prices. The crowd continues to jeer Big Oil all the way to the back. Suave can’t believe that the Extreme Attorneys have come to the rescue of Average Joe and the American Trucker. Suave: “It’s almost like that scene from Philadelphia where Denzel Washington refuses to take Tom Hanks’s case. Then Hanks goes to the library to research AIDS discrimination cases. Denzel sees the way he’s treated and it totally changes his attitude.” B Felcher: “Naah. They just gave us part of the money in the wheelbarrow as a retainer.” Suave: “Figures.”
George W. sits ringside and continues to enjoys the action.
Big Oil in the ring with Kirk Walstreit. American Trucker and Average Joe come out with the Extreme Attorneys Felcher and Felcher. Big Oil gets on the mic and tells American Trucker and Average Joe that all the legal maneuvering won’t keep him from taking back what’s rightfully his. Big Oil: “This time, I’ve brought in my own…legal assistance.” Suddenly, Rough Justice (D.B. Ruff and Conner Justice- two former police officers fired for their rough, often over the top, and extreme style of justice) hit the ring and attack Felcher and Felcher. Referee in ring and calls for the bell.
MATCH #1- BIG OIL w/Texas Tex and KIRK WALSTREIT vs. AVERAGE JOE and the AMERICAN TRUCKER Suave: “This will decide this feud once and for all. If Average Joe and American Trucker lose, they must give back the money, the semi-truck, and the house.” Rough Justice continues to mug the Extreme Attorneys outside the ring. Big Oil starts with American Trucker and proceeds to beat him all over the ring. Big Oil takes Trucker into the corner so he and Walsteit can isolate him. Average Joe jumps in and clips Big Oil’s legs. Trucker goes Chuck Norris on Walstreit and then hits a sweet enziguri. Double team clothesline on Big Oil followed by tandem drop kicks.
After leaving the Felchers lying in a pool of their own blood, Rough Justice climbs into the ring and blasts Average Joe and American Trucker from behind. A four on two beatdown ensues. Big Oil and Walsteit take turns hitting their finishers on Average Joe and American Trucker. Big Oil drags American Trucker back to his feet again and nails him with another Oklahoma Driller. Walstreit then follows with another Stock Market Plunge on Average Joe. Then American Trucker and Average Joe are draped over the ropes. Texas Tex gets in the ring and undoes his big golden money belt. Big Oil gets a mic. Big Oil: “This is what happens to little people when they bite off more than they can chew. I want money back now.” Big Oil spins American Trucker around. Big Oil: “NOW!” American Trucker: “F@#$ YOU!” and spits in Big Oil’s face. Another Oklahoma Driller follows. Suave: “That’s enough!” Big Oil takes the golden money belt and starts whipping American Trucker with it. Suave goes apoplectic. Suave: “Someone stop this…say…why is that old lady coming towards the ring? Wait a minute! That’s not just your ordinary old lady! That’s 85 year old grandma, Leda Smith. She’s the old lady who held an intruder in her house at gunpoint and made him call the police on himself.”
Grandma hits the ring. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! SHE’S GOT A GUN!” Leda zaps D.B. Ruff and he falls unconscious. Suave: “STUN-GUN! She’s got a stun-gun! SHE JUST TOOK OUT RUFF. CHECK THAT, SHE JUST TOOK OUT JUSTICE TOO…HOLY CRAP! SHE JUST ZAPPED KIRK WALSTREIT!” Big Oil glares menacingly at the 85 year old grandma. Average Joe hops on Big Oil’s back. Suave: “SLEEPER! AVERAGE JOE HAS HIM IN THE SLEEPER HOLD!” Big Oil tries get away. Leda zaps him for good measure. Big Oil drops to the canvas. Average Joe covers…1…2…3.
WINNER: AVERAGE JOE and AMERICAN TRUCKER
Suave: “THEY DID IT! SCORE ONE FOR THE ORDINARY PEOPLE! Average Joe gets to keep his house and the American Trucker keeps his semi-truck! And speaking of miracles, let’sgo back to the PCW TV title match at Loose Cannons Unleashed 4 in June…”
MATCH #2- REPLAY OF THREE WAY DANCE FOR THE PCW TELEVISION TITLE: INDIANOLA JONES © (Independent) vs. FUBAR w/his Life Coach, Dr. Bill (Jobber) vs. ‘No Frills’ CHRIS ESCONDIDO (Independent) Suave: “Last week, after taking some advice from Escondido about getting a life coach, FUBAR took the PCW Television champion to the limit with help from Dr. Bill. We’ll see just how he…HOLY CRAP…INDIANOLA JONES IS SOMEHOW STUMBLING TO THE RING.” Still feeling the after effects of the savage beatdown from Big Oil and Rough Justice, a bloody 65 year old Jones crawls into the ring and collapses. Suave: “HE CAN’T WRESTLE! THERE’S JUST NO WAY!” Escondido agrees. He checks on Jones. Dr. Bill wanders over and pushes Escondido out of the ring. FUBAR’s not sure what’s happening. The bell hasn’t rung yet. Dr. Bill implores the ref to ring the bell. Bell rings and FUBAR quickly pins Jones.
INDIANOLA JONES ELIMINATED
An angry Escondido climbs back into the ring and starts chasing Dr. Bill around the ring. Dr. Bill drops his clipboard at FUBAR’s foot. FUBAR picks up the clipboard and potatoes Escondido in the kisser with it. Cover. 1…2…3?
WINNER AND NEW PCW TELEVISION CHAMPION: FUBAR (Independent)
Suave: “I don’t believe it. This just didn’t happen, did it?” FUBAR stands in the ring and looks bit a lost as the referee puts the TV belt around his waist. Dr. Bill raises his hand up. Suave admits that you can’t argue with the results.
JOBBER’S LOUNGE SNAFU, Michael Hunt and Richard Headd of Guys With Unfortunate First Names Given Their Surnames, Black Swamp Pirate, Snott Flemmstein, and Dr. Ivan Rectum- Fighting Proctologist sit in a converted bathroom. FUBAR, accompanied by his irritatingly grating positive, self-help coach Dr. Bill, comes out of the stall and brings out the PCW Television Title belt. ALL: “OOOOOOOOOOOHHH!” Suave: “Ahhhh, yes. Just like Farmer Ted holding up Molly Ringwald’s panties (In case you’re wondering about the referee, see the 80’s flick Sixteen Candles), FUBAR holds up the PCW Title Belt for all to see.”
Chris Escondido comes in and he DISAPPROVES! Escondido calls it a joke that a jobber aka talent enhancement holds the PCW TV titleand challenges FUBAR for a title shot. FUBAR tells Escondido that his first TV Title defense will go to one of the jobbers! The jobbers cheer. Escondido thinks its ridiculous. Then an aide to Progressive Alliance leader Howard ‘The American Screamer’ Dean enters and asks Escondido to come with him.
JOHN McCAIN’S HOUSE- AGAIN Shot of another empty house. No McCain.
HOWARD DEAN’S OFFICE The aide escorts Chris Escondido into Dean’s office. Dean tells Escondido that it’s time for him to come back to the Progressive Alliance. Dean: “I am authorized by Barack Obama to offer you the number two slot in the Progressive Alliance stable.” Escondido mulls the offer and asks Dean what it means. Dean: “It means we would push you for the PCW Television belt. What do you say?” Escondido grins. Escondido: “You’ve got a deal.”
Suave: “Chris Escondido, back with the Progressive Alliance! All right, next on PCW…hold on.” Suave looks at his cell phone- he has a text message. Suave: “This could be it! We could know just who Barack Obama has chosen to be his aide de camp!” Suave checks the text message. Suave: “OMG…LOL…BFF? What the hell? This isn’t a message from Barack Obama; it’s a message from one of my daughter’s friends!”
‘Sports Entertainment Genius’ Mr. McMann saunters out. Suave: “Well. This is a surprise. The last time we saw the so-called ‘Sports Entertainment Genius, this happened to him…”
REPLAY OF MR. McMANN SEGMENT FROM LOOSE CANNONS UNLEASHED 4 PPV Mr. McMann calls out PCW CEO George W. and demands that he choose between him and his ‘genius’ or the convoluted trainwreck, overbooked matches that Rousseau specializes in. The horribly off-key mariachi band comes out playing ‘Hail to the Chief.’ Suave: “I guess we’re going to find out-” The mariachi band suddenly shifts songs and starts playing an equally hideous, really bad, off-key version of Def Leppard’s ‘Rock, Rock, Til You Drop!” Suave: “Wait a minute! That’s not PCW CEO George W coming out. It’s the EXTREME EQUALIZER- WHISKEY TANGO FOXTROT!”
Mr. McMann: “Now wait a second…wait!…HEY! NOOOOOOO!” Kick. Chokeslam. Goodnight, Mr. McMann. Rousseau tries to exit the ring but Whiskey Tango Foxtrot catches him. Kick. Chokeslam. Goodnight, Mr. Rousseau. For good measure, WTF takes out the horribly off-key mariachi band too.
The crowd gives him a standing ovation as he leaves.
Suave: “And then, at the end of Loose Cannons Unleashed 4…”
A stretch limousine pulls up to Triple R and KRC. The darkened window goes down and ‘Sports Entertainment Genius’ Mr. McMann sticks his head out the window. Mr. McMann: “So. Are you in or are you out?” Triple R and KRC look at each other. Then they get into the limo.
McMann thanks his many fans (who are booing him). McMann: “PCW. Join the NEW revolution? What revolution?” More boos. McMann: “No, really. What’s the most traffic PCW has received on a given day? Seventeen? How many people clicked on the last pay per view? Twenty-five? Give me a break!” Louder boos. McMann then rips on J.D. Elder’s new book Loose Cannons and Other Weapons of Mass Political Destruction. McMann: “It’s an independently produced book. Who gives a rat’s ass about it? How many have you sold? Forty? Please!” McMann calls PCW and the author of the novel ‘incredibly naive. McMann: “Unrealistic. The fact is money equals power. Only corporations can efficiently produce wrestling shows and books for a mass audience. You need corporate strength to reach your objectives. That’s why no one reads this site. That’s why no one buys your books.”
McMann brings out his corporate business associates. The former team called Corporate World- Bradley Scott Wilson and Richard Emerson Brantley III walk to the ring followed by a spiffed up Triple R and Kathryn Randall Collins sporting a nice business ensemble. McMann: “I’d like to introduce my two mainstays who will help take our corporation to the top here in PCW. Kathryn Randall Collins aka KRC. And Randy ‘Road Rage’ Richardson…or as well now call him- Quadruple R!” Suave: “Quadruple R?” McMann: “Watch it, Suave. That name’s trademarked. Suave: “Sorry.” McMann goes on to explain that Quadruple R has more power and prestige than a measly ‘Triple R.’ He then proclaims himself as the only one true visionary of professional wrestling who knows more about what the audience wants than the audience themselves. McMann: “Once we get all of you trained to love my brand of pro wrestling, then, and only then, will you truly appreciate my genius.”
Female voice: “Bulls#$#!” The crowd rises and cheers. Suave: “It’s her! PCW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl Tessa Martin- one third of the 3 Amigas! She nearly defeated the PCW Women’s champion Opal Winfree at Loose Cannons Unleashed 4!" Tessa tells McMann that he tried to buy her but she and her independent spirit can’t be bought. McMann reminds her that she lost at Loose Cannons Unleashed 4 and it was time for someone else to get a title shot- mainly Kathryn Randall Collins. McMann: “Prepare to feel the full wrath of my corporate power!” KRC clotheslines Tessa. Quadruple R then holds her so KRC can pummel her with shots. McMann: “That’s right! Who dares to defy me? Who thinks they can stand up to my corporate power!"
Apparently, the other two members of the 3 Amigas do. Daisy Cutter-Bomb rushes out and starts caning the crap out of Quadruple R with a Singapore cane. Tequila Sheila belts KRC aside the head with her blender. Daisy hits a ‘Daisy Cutter Powerbomb on KRC and then chases McMann and his other corporate cronies away.
JOHN McCAIN SEGMENT McCain comes out with the PCW Champion Starz N. Stripes. Suave: “Jesus, John. We’ve been trying to track you down at all of your houses. Just how many houses do you own?” McCain: “Hell if I know.”
Suave transitions to the four-way fight for the PCW Title. First out is Libertarian Bob Barr. Barr brings Nic Koteen of Politically Incorrect out with him. Next is Darth (Ralph) Nader of the Green World Order. Nader’s champion is the Extreme Vegan Brock Cole Lee.
Then, small children unroll a plush, nice white carpeting down the aisle. Two girls skip down the carpet throwing rose petals into the air as they go. John Legend comes down singing some song that has various snippets of Barack Obama speeches interspersed in it. Trumpets sound. And then…he’s here! Riding a golden chariot pulled by a glistening white stallion. Suave: “Okay. I don’t know just quite what the hell that was all about. But here comes Barack Obama.” Obama’s followed by the Progressive Alliance contender for the PCW Title, O’Beck Bahama.
Finally, the PCW Champion appears. Suave: “Here comes Starz N. Stripes…HE GETS HIT FROM BEHIND! IT’S JOE BIDEN.” Suave’s cell phone signals a text message. Suave: “IT’S HIM! IT’S HIM. JOE BIDEN IS BARACK OBAMA’S AIDE DE CAMP!” Biden goes right after McCain and they brawl. Starz and O’Beck Bahama get into it. Nic Koteen and Brock Cole Lee also lock up.
MATCH #3 PCW TITLE MATCH- STARZ N. STRIPES w/John McCain (American Patriots) vs. O’BECK BAHAMA (Progressive Alliance) vs. NIC KOTEEN (Libertarian) vs. BROCK COLE LEE (Green World Order) The second the referee calls for the bell, Mr. McMann and his new corporation suddenly return. Suave: “What the hell? They’re back?” Quadruple R, Bradley Scott Wilson, Richard Emerson Brantley III, and Kathryn Randall Collins hit the ring and attack. A scrum develops with the four contestants for the PCW title. Now working together, O’Beck, Starz, Nic Koteen, and Brock Cole Lee fight back against McMann’s corporation. Huge brawl develops. The ref scrubs the match and the free-for-all continues.
Suave: “PCW season four underway! We’ll see you next time as the road to PCW Extreme Election Night 2008 in November begins!”
jjdelder at 6:54:34 AM EDT
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Tuesday, August 26, 2008
8/25 PCW Extreme Political TV
QUESTIONS AS PCW-POLITICAL CHAMPIONSHIP WRESTLING RETURNS:
-The road to PCW Extreme Election Night 2008 begins in earnest. The PCW CEO contest and political shenanigans heat up as John McCain of the American Patriots, Barack Obama of the Progressive Alliance, Darth (Ralph) Nader from the Green World Order, and Libertarian Bob Barr vie to replace George W. -We’ll find out what happens next in the continuing Big Oil/American Trucker/Average Joe feud. AT and Average Joe hired the Extreme Attorneys Felcher and Felcher to stop Big Oil from taking American Trucker’s semi-truck and Average Joe’s house. How will Big Oil respond? -Will the new PCW TV champion FUBAR continue to improve under the guidance of his Life Coach Dr. Bill? -Will ‘PCW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ Tessa Martin finally make it to the top of the PCW Women’s division? -And last but not least, what the hell is ‘Sports Entertainment Genius’ Mr. McMann up to? And how does ‘The Angry Highway Warrior’ Triple R (Road Rage Randy) and Kathryn Randall Collins aka KRC figure in his plans? PCW EXTREME POLITICAL TV- FROM PCW LOCK AND LOAD 3 August 24TH from PCW Hall in Eagle Rock, Ohio
**** HOST: Johnny Suave on play-by-play with his life-size cardboard cut-out of Shania Twain on color**** PCW OVERVIEW (for the uninitiated)
****
JOHN EDWARDS John Edwards stands in the ring to explain the recent relevation of his affair with Rielle Hunter while his wife, Elizabeth, was fighting cancer. The PCW Hall crowd boos him unmercifully. Edwards states that his ‘Lord and wife have forgiven me and I’m moving on with my life.’ That doesn’t go over very well with the PCW faithful who chant ‘A**-hole…a**-hole’ in return. Edwards: Well, at least I had the decency to wait until my wife went into remission before having the affair!”
Def Leppard’s ‘Rock, Rock Til You Drop’ blares. The hall explodes when the Extreme Enforcer Whiskey Tango Foxtrot (WTF) runs down to the ring followed by a referee. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! WE’RE GOING TO HAVE AN IMPROMPU MATCH!”
MATCH #1 ‘The Extreme Political Equalizer’ WHISKEY TANGO FOXTROT vs. JOHN EDWARDS (Progressive Alliance) Edwards cowers in the corner. Crowd: F@#@ him up Whis-key, f@#@ him up! (clap-clap). He tries to get out of the ring. WTF pulls him back in by his belt and throws him to the canvas. Edwards calls out for help- no one comes to his rescue. WTF lifts Edwards up by the neck and chokeslams him back down on the canvas. Crowd: “PCW!...PCW!” Suave: “That should do it…but WTF goes out and throws in a table!” The table is set up. WTF lifts Edwards up a second time and chokeslams him through the table. Crowd: “PCW!...PCW!” Suave: “Okay. That should do it…but…oh no. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot just called for two more tables.” WTF sets up the tables on top of the other. He drags Edwards over to the corner. WTF climbs the turnbuckle and drags Edwards up with him. Suave can’t watch. WTF powerbombs Edwards through two tables. Crowd: “Holy s***! Holy s***!” Suave: “All right. Just pin him already.” WTF covers for the easy pin.
WINNER: ‘The Extreme Political Equalizer’ WHISKEY TANGO FOXTROT
Johnny Suave steps into the ring and welcomes everyone to PCW Lock and Load 3. Suave: “Tonight will be a unique night. PCW reloads to start another year. Tonight, we find out who will become Barack Obama’s aide de camp. Tonight, we may see another battle between the “Original Rookie Sensation” and current PCW champion Starz N. Stripes and the “New Rookie Sensation” O’Beck Bahama. After that, who knows what’s going to happen. Let’s go back two and a half months to PCW Loose Cannons Unleashed 4 to the end of the show.
MATCH #2 REPLAY FROM PCW LOOSE CANNONS UNLEASHED 4- PCW TITLE MATCH: ‘The Original Rookie Sensation’ STARZ N. STRIPES © w/John McCain (American Patriots) vs. ‘The New Rookie Sensation’ O’BECK BAHAMA w/Barack Obama (Progressive Alliance) Suave: “This is it. O’Beck Bahama has come a long way in his very short time here PCW. Does he have enough experience behind him to pull off the win over Starz N. Stripes tonight? Or is Starz still a couple steps ahead of him.” Charlene Ann Beckworth does the full ring introductions for both wrestlers. Bahama and Starz also shake hands in the ring. The bell rings.
A little staredown and then O’Beck shoves Starz right out of the box. Starz smiles and they circle around each other before locking up. Starz hits a bodyslam and Bahama retreats to the corner to slow things up. Both men stare each other down again. Another lockup, this time O’Beck pushes Starz into the corner and uncorks a wild right hand that the PCW champion easily ducks. Starz with a side headlock. Bahama shoots him into the ropes but Starz hangs onto them. Bahama aggressively chases down Starz and attempts to cut him off. Starz slides out of the ring and takes a walk.Starz back in and they lock up yet again. Bahama pushes Starz into the corner and delivers the boots to the gut. Out of nowhere, Starz stiffs him with a jarring right hand that sends O’Beck flying across the ring and out to the floor. Starz slingshots himself out of the ring and crushes Bahama against the steel barricade. Irish whip into the barricade on the other side. Starz throws Bahama back in the ring. Irish whip from Starz. Starz ducks for a backdrop but Bahama turns it into a neckbreaker. Bahama starts laying in right hands and sends Starz out this time through the ropes. Starz back up on the apron. Bahama charges into him and sends the PCW champion flying off the apron and onto a table. O’Beck wastes no time in climbing the top rope and putting Starz through the table. Crowd: “PCW…PCW!” Starz crawls out of the wreckage but Bahama follows up with a suplex. Suave: “The New Rookie Sensation is on his A game tonight. Starz could be in big trouble.” Suave also notes that both Obama and McCain have stayed clear of interfering in the match.
Bahama puts Starz in the abdominal stretch. Starz powers out of it into a hip toss. Bahama presses the attack, grabbing a nearby steel folding chair and waffling the champion in the face with it. Starz thrown in the ring. Bahama goes for the win. Suave: “1...2…NO! STARZ SOMEHOW KICKS OUT!!” Bahama can’t believe it and goes for another cover. Starz kicks out again. Bahama goes for a piledriver. Starz gets his feet back down and flips the New Rookie Sensation behind him. Running power bomb takes the air out of Bahama. Starz covers. Suave: “1...2...OBAMA PUT HIS FOOT ON THE ROPES!!” McCain shouts something over to Obama. Starz hits another running power bomb. This time, Obama gets up on the apron and distracts the referee just as Starz rolls him up. Suave counts to at least a five-count, but the referee is talking with Obama. Bahama hits another neckbreaker out of nowhere. The refereecounts to two before the champion gets a shoulder up in time. Suave: “WHAT A MATCH! THIS IS THE BEST BAHAMA HAS LOOKED YET!”
Bahama climbs to the top rope but Starz crotches him on the top turnbuckle. Bahama tied in the tree of woe. McCain throws Starz a chair. Baseball slide and Bahama is potatoed with the chair. Roll up. Obama again pulls the referee’s attention away. McCain slams his hands on the canvas in frustration. Starz releases the hold. Suave: “Barack Obama again saves O’Beck Bahama from…WAIT A MINUTE! HERE COMES JOE LIEBERMAN!” Lieberman and Obama continue their debate from earlier in the night. Bahama gets up and sees Obama arguing with Lieberman. He turns his back on Starz and leans across the ropes. Starz slaps on the American Stars Double Fuji Bar submission hold and drives Bahama to the canvas. The referee is right there. Obama can’t get past Lieberman. O’Beck taps out.
WINNER AND STILL PCW CHAMPION: ‘The Original Rookie Sensation’ STARZ N. STRIPES (American Patriots)
Suave: “Starz N. Stripes holds on to the title. But O’Beck Bahama turned in an impressive performance. Only one title changes tonight, the PCW Television Title won by FUBAR…what?...
BARACK OBAMA PROMO Obama notes that if it weren’t for the interference of Independent Joe Lieberman, O’Beck Bahama may be the PCW champion. Barack believes John McCain’s time is winding down and that it is time for someone fresh and new. Obama: “That’s why the Progressive Alliance chose me as their nominee and that’s why I will become the next CEO of PCW.” Obama tells all his fans that he will text the name of his aide de camp to them first before making a formal public announcement at the end of tonight’s pay per view. He then calls on McCain to have Starz put the PCW title up again against his wrestler, O’Beck Bahama. Suave climbs into the ring and asks him if he thinks O’Beck is ready to win the title? Obama: “Well? For me to answer that is a little outside my pay grade. But, let me say this- tonight’s as good of night as any for O’Beck to win the title.”
Suave: “Well? Let’s see what John McCain has to say. We’re going live to one of his houses…John?”
JOHN McCAIN’S HOUSE There’s a seat with a microphone laying on it. But no John McCain. Suave: “Mr. McCain. Mr. McCain? Hmmm…he must not be at that house. We’ll try again later.”
GEORGE W SEGMENT A hideously off-key mariachi band plays ‘Hail to the Chief’ and leads PCW CEO George W and his aide de camp Dick to the ring. W notes that he recently went to the Summer Olympics and had a good ol’ time just being a ‘fan.’ He states he’s just going to sit at ringside, just like the Olympics, and be a fan here tonight. W tells Obama he’s got his rematch because, as a wrestling fan, he’d sure like to see Starz and O’Beck meet up again.
Libertarian Bob Barr and Green Pith Lord Darth Nader come out to object. They complain that the process is unfairly stacked towards the American Patriots and the Progressive Alliance factions. W: “Tell ya’ll what. You go find yourselves someone to wrestle, and we’ll make tonight’s match a four-way for the PCW title!”
Suave: “So, it’s on. Not only does O’Beck Bahama from the Progressive Alliance gets another title shot against PCW champion Starz N. Stripes, but a representative from the Libertarians and the Green’s?”
MATCH #3 EXTREME SCAFFOLD MATCH- MSNBC’S KEITH OLBERMANN (Progressive Alliance) vs. BILL O’REILLY of Fox News (American Patriots) Suave: “Well? This ought to be good, as always. Both men hate each other. And now, we’ve taken the next extreme step by going to a scaffold match. The winner is the one who pushes the other off the scaffolding.” The scaffold is lifted over the ring with several tables below it inside the ring to ‘cushion’ the fall. Both men meet in the middle of the scaffold and immediately attack each other. Olbermann rakes the eyes. O’Reilly goes low. Both try to push the other off. O’Reilly hits clubbing blows to Olbermann. Then they try to throttle each other.
Suave spots someone climbing up the scaffolding. Suave: “Hey. Who’s that…hold on…that’s…yes, that’s Daily Show host Jon Stewart! He’s joining Olbermann and O’Reilly on the scaffolding.” Stewart castigates O’Reilly. Stewart: “Fox's ‘fair and balanced’ slogan is an insult to people with brains.” O’Reilly sneers back at Stewart and mocks the ‘crash and burn ratings’ when he hosted this year’s Oscars. Stewart then turns to Olbermann. Stewart: “And as for you, Olbermann. News flash- MSNBC and CNNaren’t much better.” Now Olbermann glares at Stewart. Stewart declares that newspapers are a better source of political coverage but get overshadowed by the 24 hour news cycle driving the narratives. Stewart then pushes both Olbermann and O’Reilly off the scaffolding and they fall through the tables set up below. Suave: “HOLY CRAP!” Another ‘PCW’ chant rings out. The referee doesn’t quite know what to do. He finally waves off the match as both men fell from the scaffolding at the same time.
WINNER: No one.
Suave: “I hope they’re all right-…who’s this?” A Cuban man dressed in taekwondo garb comes out and argues with the referee. Suave: “WAIT A MINUTE! THAT’S CUBAN TAEKWONDO ATHLETE ANGEL MATOS! WHAT THE HELL IS HE DOING OUT HERE? AND WHO’S THE WRINKLED, DRIED UP FOSSIL WITH HIM…oh, wait. That’s former Cuban dictator Fidel Castro. Matos argues with the referee about stopping the match? Why? Both men are out and- HOLY CRAP! HE JUST KICKED THE REFEREE IN THE FACE!” Referee down. Castro and Matos taunts him. Carnage in the ring. Crowd chants ‘PCW!’
*
JOHN McCAIN’S HOUSE- Part 2 There’s a seat with a microphone laying on it. But once again, no John McCain. Suave: “Okay, he's not at that house either. We’ll check back on John McCain next time with more from PCW Lock and Load 3.”
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Or send $18.50 to Prairie Depot Press/P.O. Box 25/Wauseon, OH 43567
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jjdelder at 10:00:09 PM EDT
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Saturday, June 21, 2008
PCW Title Lineage and 2007-2008 Wrap Up
After the 6/9 PCW Loose Cannons Unleashed 4 pay per view, here is the PCW Title picture:
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PCW WORLD CHAMPION: ‘The Original Rookie Sensation’ Starz N. Stripes (American Patriots) CONTENDERS: #1- ‘The New Rookie Sensation’ O’Beck Bahama (Progressive Alliance) #2- ‘The Angry Highway Warrior’ Triple R (Progressive Alliance)
PCW WOMEN’S CHAMPION: ‘Empress Queen of All Media’ Opal Winfree (Progressive Alliance) CONTENDERS: #1- ‘PCW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ Tessa Martin (Independent) #2- Kathryn Randall Collins (Progressive Alliance)
PCW TELEVISION CHAMPION: FUBAR (Independent) CONTENDERS: #1- Big Oil (American Patriots) #2- ‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido (Independent)
PCW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS: Schett Brothers- Jack Schett and Bull Schett (Progressive Alliance) CONTENDERS: #1- A. Tom Bomb and Hy Drogen Bomb (American Patriots) #2- The Green World Order- GreenPete and Extreme Vegan Brock Cole Lee (Independent)
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PCW (BCEW) TITLE LINEAGE
PCW (BCEW) TITLE:
March 2005 – May 2005- Rafeal Barry Giambee (American Patriots) Giambee’s title was filled with controversy as he had the unique distinction of being the only PCW (BCEW) champion to never actually wrestle a match on a BCEW Pay Per View or House show. Part of the issue had to do with the fact that Giambee was suspected of using steroids which might have explained the fact that he went from being a skinny, 175 pound lightweight into a 6 foot 3, 350 pounds of huge rippling muscles, huge washboard abs, and a head two hat size larger than before.
Giambee’s title reign came to an end at BCEW’s Revenge of the Pith pay per view show in May, 2005 when he was found hanging in the walk-in cooler at Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon- presumably dead from steroid abuse.
The BCEW title remained vacant until January 2006, BCEW Backbreak Mountain.
January 2006- November 7th, 2006- “No Frills” Chris Escondido (Independent) With the help of John McCain, Escondido defeated 29 other wrestlers at BCEW Backbreak Mountain to become the new BCEW champion. The match was down to Independent Escondido and A. Tom Bomb from the American Patriots. Dick Cheney tried to sneak a foreign object to A-Bomb but McCain caught him red-handed. While McCain and Dick argued, Escondido pushed the distracted A-Bomb over the top rope and climbed up Backbreak Mountain (in actuality, a ladder decorated up like a mountain) and claimed the title.
November 7th, 2006- January 20th, 2008- “Not just intolerable. Not just unbearable. He is…” Justin Sufferable (Progressive Alliance) Justin Sufferable chased the BCEW title for several months before November’s BCEW Extreme Election Night 2006. After several close calls, much of them instigated by a rival within with the Progressive Alliance, Triple R (aka Road Rage Randy), Sufferable defeated Chris Escondido when Triple R’s interference backfired and Escondido was accidently knocked out by a chairshot by Triple R.
Bad luck soon revisited Sufferable. On the Janurary 17th, 2007 edition of BCEW Extreme Political TV, both Sufferable and Escondido were viciously attacked by EECW champion Bobby Lashaway at the direction of ‘Sports Entertainment Genius’ Mr. McMann. Mr. McMann had declared war on the extreme nature of BCEW and wanted to take it over to infuse his ‘sports entertainment genius’ into the promotion. Both Sufferable and Escondido suffered major knee injuries and were slated to be out for a year.
On March 25th, 2007 at the BCEW vs. EECW War pay per view, Triple R (Progressive Alliance) defeated 14 other wrestlers to become the provisional champion- with the proviso that when Sufferable returned from his injury there would be a unification match. However, after Triple R shown himself to be working with Mr. McMann and declared on the April 7th, 2007 Extreme Political TV that he was taking the BCEW belt to EECW and throw it in thetrash can, BCEW Owner Bubba Jackson made a rare appearance and fired Triple R.
Triple R shortly afterwards re-applied to BCEW and worked his way back up. At BCEW Loose Cannons Unleashed 3 on June 3rd, 2007, Triple R defeated Starz N. Stripes (American Patriots) and Little Paulie of the American Bikers (Independent) to win the provisional championship a second time. Triple R demanded the belt but a returning Justin Sufferable challenged him to a match in September at BCEW Loose Cannons Lock and Load.
September 30th, 2007- Loose Cannons Lock and Load. Sufferable faced off against Triple R but was jumped and laid out by the Angry Left Wing Bloggers (Paul Krugman, Media Matters For America, Daily Kos, and Eric Alterman). The title situation remained unresolved until October 28th, 2007 at BCEW Night of Champions. On the night Triple R was to have his coronation as the BCEW champion, Sufferable attacked him and an impromptu title match followed. Sufferable defeats Triple R to become the undisputed BCEW champion.
On January 20th, 2008, Sufferable suffered a second major knee injury against Starz N. Stripes. After doctors determined that Sufferable needed major reconstructive knee surgery, he vacated the title a week later.
The title would remain vacant until March 4th, 2008.
March 4th, 2008- present – “The Original Rookie Sensation” Starz N. Stripes (American Patriots) The early part of the year saw Starz N. Stripes, with John McCain’s leadership, emerge as the lead wrestler for the American Patriots. The Progressive Alliance had a major battle going on for the leadership position between Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton. Clinton managed Triple R and pushed him to become the #1 wrestler of the Progressive Alliance. Barack Obama brought in a new, inexperienced wrestler named O’Beck Bahama and guided him quickly up the ladder. Bahama defeated Triple R two weeks before in a wild match that saw Hillary Clinton turn on DLC to support Triple R, and Arianna Huffington and her Angry Left Wing Bloggers turn on Triple R and switch their allegiance to O’Beck Bahama and Barack Obama.
Starz defeated Bahama and Independent Halitosis- the Insanely Smelling Luchador to become the new BCEW champion.
On May 6th, 2008, BCEW become PCW-Political Championship Wrestling
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PCW (BCEW) WOMEN’S TITLE:
In the first year of BCEW, there was a women’s championship title. But “Sports Entertainment Genius” Mr. McMann came along and disbanded the BCEW Women’s title because he felt people didn’t want to see women wrestle.
BCEW brought back the women’s title on March 25th, 2007 at BCEW vs. EECW War.
March 25th, 2007 to September 30th, 2007- ‘Defense Expert’ Hallie Burton (American Patriots) At the March BCEW vs. EECW War pay per view, Burton won a five way free for all match over ‘BCEW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ Tessa Martin, ‘Empress Queen of All Media’ Opal Winfree, ‘Trailer Park Honey’ Tanya Hardy with the White Trash Posse, and Peta from PETA to become the new BCEW Women’s champion.
September 30th, 2007- January 8th, 2008- ‘Empress Queen of All Media’ Opal Winfree (Progressive Alliance) With Barack Obama in her corner and Opal’s Flock (New Age Sensitive Guy and Soccer Mom) providing cover, Winfree defeated Hallie Burton at BCEW Lock and Load 2.
January 8th, 2008- January 20th, 2008- Kathryn Randall Collins aka KRC (Progressive Alliance) In early January of 2008, the Barack Obama-Hillary Clinton pitched battle for control of the Progressive Alliance raged white hot. Clinton’s Political Pitbulls (James Carville, Terry McAuliffe, and Sidney Blumenthal) provided the difference at BCEW Mayhem in Manchester (NH) to give KRC the edge in a 3 way dance that was originally scheduled to be a non-title match. But Hillary Clinton goaded Winfree into making the match for the women’s title and KRC landed a shot with a steel chain to take the title.
January 20th, 2008- present- ‘Empress Queen of All Media’ Opal Winfree (Progressive Alliance) Barack Obama learned a lot from Winfree’s loss in New Hampshire. So when KRC and Winfree had a rematch for the women’s title at the BCEW Weapons of Mass Political Destruction pay per view two weeks later, Obama distracted the referee enough for Winfree to roll up KRC to win the title back.
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PCW (BCEW) TAG TEAM TITLE:
March 2005 to June 7th, 2007- The Flyin’ Martini Brothers (Independent) For much of BCEW/PCW’s lifetime, the Flyin’ Martini Brothers (Independent) dominated the tag team title scene. The brothers were known for their unorthodox pre-match rituals which usually consisted of guzzling down a bottle of Jack Daniels and then breaking the bottles over their head. It wasn’t conventional by any stretch of the imagination, but it worked for them. Their finishing maneuver consisted of one of the Martinis getting punched in the stomach. This usually resulted in retching and extreme nausea followed spewing and projectile vomiting on their opponents.
June 7th, 2007- September 30th, 2007- Extreme Vegan Brock Cole Lee and GreenPete of the Green World Order (Progressive Alliance) For the first year and a half of BCEW, the Green World Order weren’t taken very seriously. They rarely won matches. The mere appearance of one of the GWO members set off an ugly reaction from the crowd.
Then came the December 24th, 2006 BCEW Christmas Extravaganza. The GWO had come out to protest Christmas decorations at Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon and got laid out by Nic Koteen of Politically Incorrect dressed up like Santa Claus. Then to add insult to injury, the Dixie Chucks defeated the GWO in 10 seconds to become the #1 Progressive Alliance contender for the tag team belts. GreenPete and Brock Cole Lee snapped and spent the rest of the night rampaging through BCEW.
The GWO finally reached the pinnacle on June 7th, 2007 at BCEW Loose Cannons 3 by defeating the long time champions, the Flyin’ Martini Brothers for the belts.
September 30th, 2007- April 1st, 2008- The Flyin’ Martini Brothers (Independent) It’s didn’t take long for the Martinis to win the tag team titles back. At BCEW Loose Cannons Lock and Load 2, the Martinis looked like they would fall once again to the GWO when A-Bomb and H-Bomb ran out took out GreenPete and PeaceNick. Dan Martini projectile vomited all over Brock Cole Lee and then passed out on top of him to get the pin and the tag team belts back.
April 1st, 2008- May 3rd, 2008- A. Bomb and H-Bomb aka The Bomb Brothers (American Patriots) The Bomb Brothers were also BCEW Originals. They originally started off in the American Patriots until they quit and became Independents. In early 2008, John McCain brought the Bomb Brothers back into the American Patriots and the move immediately paid dividends. At BCEW Night of Champions, A-Bomb and H-Bomb executed a strategy of doing exactly nothing to let the Martinis stumble around and take themselves out. A-Bomb gets the pin to end the era of the Flyin’ Martini Brothers in BCEW.
May 3rd, 2008- present- Jack Schett and Bull Schett (Progressive Alliance) Just when the Bomb Brothers thought they’d have a nice tag team title reign of their own, Jack Schett and Bull Schett came along. The Schetts knocked off the Bombs at a BCEW House Show in Archbold, Ohio to become the new tag team champions.
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PCW (BCEW) TELEVISION TITLE:
In early 2008, BCEW created a television title that would be defended primarily on Extreme Political TV.
March 9th, 2008- April 28th, 2008- ‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido (Independent) A former BCEW champion, Escondido made it all the way back from a severe knee injury in 2006 to defeat Big Oil (American Patriots) and Triple R (Progressive Alliance) to become the inaugural BCEW Television champion. Triple R eliminated Big Oil via the figure four leg lock early on. Then, in retaliation for an attack on O’Beck Bahama after he lost a title match against BCEW champion Starz N. Stripes, Bahama, Barack Obama, Arianna Huffington and the Angry Left Wing Bloggers, and the Clinton Political Pitbulls attack Triple R and lay him out. Escondido gets the easy cover for the win and the television title.
April 28th, 2008- May 26th, 2008- Big Oil (American Patriots) The Spring of 2008 brought about the rise of Big Oil. With gas prices skyrocketing to record levels and lining Big Oil’s pockets with massive amounts of cash, Big Oil limped to the ring on the April 28th, 2008 edition of Extreme Political TV after being kicked over a railing and falling through a table 10 feet below. After pushing Escondido off the top rope and powerbombing Halitosis into oblivion, Big Oil takes the television title.
May 26th, 2008- June 9th, 2008- Indianola Jones (Independent) Big Oil found himself embroiled in a bitter feud with the American Trucker (formerly Mike the Mechanic) and Average Joe. Week after week, Big Oil came out and gloated about the record gas prices. American Trucker and Average Joe both confronted him on numerous occasions. On May 19th, 2008’s PCW Extreme Political TV, 65 year old former wrestling star Indianola Jones came by to pay a visit. In the middle of his remarks, Big Oil kicked him out of the ring for being old and irrelevant. Later in the show, American Trucker and Average Joe set the money inside Big Oil’s wheelbarrow on fire with help from Jones.
This set up the May 26th PCW Extreme Political TV where Jones challenged Big Oil for the television title and provided a George Foreman moment when he caught the big guy in the Katahajime and made him tap out.
June 9th, 2008- present- FUBAR (Independent) FUBAR was a perennial jobber in his first three years in BCEW. His career went on an uptick when Coach Bobby Petrino became his manager and vowed to coach FUBAR up into the BCEW elite. However, after one week, Petrino bolted for a better paying job and left FUBAR to continue to flounder. After a series of losses to Chris Escondido, FUBAR publicly expressed his displeasure with the state of his wrestling career. Escondido, overhearing FUBAR’s griping, sarcastically suggested he get himself a life coach. FUBAR took him up on the advice and showed up the next week with his new life coach- Dr. Bill. FUBAR took the television champion Indianola Jones to the limit which set up a 3 way dance at PCW Loose Cannons Unleashed 4 between FUBAR, Indianola Jones, and ‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido for the PCW Television title.
FUBAR got some help from Big Oil who gained a measure of revenge on Jones by taking him out before the match. Jones somehow made it to the ring and FUBAR quickly pinned him. Escondido gets pasted by FUBAR with Dr. Bill’s clipboard and FUBAR becomes the new champion.
jjdelder at 10:16:29 PM EDT
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Sunday, June 15, 2008
PCW Remembers Tim Russert
Political Championship Wrestling would like to extend our condolences to the family of political reporter and host of NBC’s Meet the Press, Tim Russert.
Russert was a giant in the industry, a true professional, and one of the few in the political punditry game who truly called it right down the middle. Simply put, one of the best- ever. Russert will be surely missed.
****** Russert wasn’t a political extremist and thus, made only two appearances back when PCW was Buckland County Extreme Wrestling aka…BCEW.
From February 7th, 2007’s BCEW At War- Part one. This came out during the whole Valerie Plame, Bob Novak, Scooter Libby scandal.
Match #2- SCOOTER LIBBY VS. TIM RUSSERT w/Joe Wilson, guest referee
Suave: “Our feature match this week will be very interesting. I’m not sure just how partial Joe Wilson is going to be. The last time I checked, he’s still pissed off at Libby spilling the beans about his wife being a secret agent and all to Bob Novak.” The match doesn’t even get underway before Libby’s attorney comes out to the ring. He states he won’t allow the match to take place because Joe Wilson is biased against his client. The attorney and Wilson get into each other’s face and jaw at each other. He pushes Wilson out of the way, whips off his shirt, and then goes after Tim Russert. Suave: “What the hell is going on? The bell just rang!” Libby climbs out of the ring as his attorney and Russert lock up to start the match and Russert uses his weight advantage to back Libby’s attorney into the corner. They slug it out and then Libby’s attorney gets the advantage when he knees him in the gut. Then he goes on the offensive. Clothesline. Libby’s attorney then connects with a delayed vertical suplex. Libby’s attorney tries a D.C. Insider Slam, but Russert slips out and drops the attorney over the top rope. Libby comforts the attorney and he climbs back into the ring. Libby’s attorney aggressively throws Russert shoulder first into the ring post. Russert slips to the outside and Libby follows and tries to throws Russert into the outside ring post. Russert again can’t be pinned down and Libby’s attorney falls onto the steel steps.Suave: “Wow! Scooter Libby’s attorney is throwing everything but the kitchen sink at Tim Russert. But Russert keeps shrugging it off.” Russert breaks the count and shoves Libby’s attorney into the ring apron. Then he lifts Libby’s attorney up and throws him back in the ring. Russert comes off the ropes and gets smacked in the face by Libby’s attorney who tries to go back on the offensive. He tries a reverse gut wrench and some shots to Russert’s back. Again, Russert slips away and whips the attorney into the corner. Libby’s attorney rushes out and gets booted. Irish whip by Libby’s attorney, Russert sidesteps him again and he runs into the turnbuckle. Russert locks in a single leg crab and then turns it into a modified STF. Using his weight advantage again, Russert rolls over and pancakes Libby. Suddenly Scooter Libby jumps in the ring and nails Russert from behind. Suave: “IT’S TWO ON ONE NOW AND RUSSERT’S OUTNUMBERED!”Joe Wilson finally asserts himself into the match and tries to push Libby out of the ring. Libby pushes Wilson off the ropes and the former Ambassador runs into a belly-to-belly suplex by Libby’s attorney. Wilson is down. Winded, Russert takes his time and charges with a clothesline. He gets drilled with some punches and then Libby and his attorney hit a doubleteam huge back body drop. Libby slaps on the camel clutch and Russert tries to fight out. The problem is Russert is stuck in the middle of the ring. Suave: “This could be it!...Hold on!...IT’S VALERIE PLAME!” The crowd cheers as Plame slides in the ring behind Libby’s attorney and kicks him in the balls. Suave: “HOLY CRAP!” Libby’s attorney flops to the canvas. Libby breaks the hold on Russert and goes after Plame. He backs her into a corner and grabs her by the hair. Russert pulls himself up, sees Libby, and runs in and rolls him up from behind. Joe Wilson counts Libby out.WINNER: TIM RUSSERTLibby and Libby’s attorney are furious after losing the match. Suave: “Scooter Libby and his attorney’s plan was to rattle the veteran Tim Russert. But like the claim that Niger was processing uranium, their hopes were unfounded.”
And this one from the October 4th, 2006 edition of BCEW Extreme Political TV…Russert was the guest referee in a hot battle between Ohio’s Sherrod Brown (Progressive Alliance) and Mike DeWine (American Patriots):
Sherrod Brown Promo
Brown states he’s here in BCEW tonight to put to rest the notion that Mike DeWine is an independent thinker. “Mike DeWine is such an independent thinker,” Brown says, “that he’s independently kissed BCEW CEO George W’s ass 92% of the time! Brown adds that the fans should support him tonight because they can trust him, not Mike DeWine. “I’m more like you,” Brown argues, “I’m going to outsource Mike DeWine to another country just like all the jobs in the small business sector that have been lost!”
Mike DeWine Promo
DeWine comes out and essentially says that Sherrod Brown is too extreme even for Buckland County Extreme Wrestling. DeWine claims Brown has a problem with reality. “You want me,” DeWine says, “you got me. The reality is that the only ass that’s going to get kissed tonight is mine after I give you a good old fashioned extreme trip to the woodshed.”
Sherrod Brown comes to the ring led by the leader of the Progressive Alliance ‘The American Screamer’ Howard Dean. Mike DeWine is accompanied by Dr. Bill Frist-Medicine Guy of the American Patriots. “This is going to be interesting,” opines Suave, “there’s a lot riding on this as we head toward the November pay per view ‘BCEW Extreme Election Night 2006!” Suave notes that Independent Joe Lieberman and the Progressive Alliance’s Ned Lamont have already signed on for the pay per view.
****
Match #3 Mike DeWine of the American Patriots vs. Sherrod Brown of the Progressive Alliance with Tim Russert as the guest referee
Both men ignore referee Tim Russert’s attempt to have them shake hands and it begins. Brown drags DeWine out of the ring and slams him into the guardrail. DeWine counters, blocks a suplex, and drapes Brown across the guardrail. DeWine attempts a spin kick from the ring apron. Brown moves out of the way and DeWine crashes right-knee-first into the rail. The American Screamer Howard Dean interjects himself into the match and helps Brown pick up the ring steps and try to slam them into DeWine's head. DeWine just ducks out of the way and the steps bounce back and blasts Howard Dean in the face. “HOLY CRAP!” Suave shouts as Dean is busted open. “DEAN CAUGHT THAT FULL FORCE!” A ‘BCEW’ chant started. DeWine flings Brown into the steel barricade again and then leaps and clotheslines him. DeWine reaches under the ring and pulls out a table. He sets it up on the outside and lifts The American Screamer in the air. Russert tries to stop him but DeWine suplexes Dean through the table. “WOW! I think Howard Dean could be dead,” Suave says as The American Screamer lies in a heaping pile of wood that used to be a table.Brown and DeWine brawl near the apron. Brown blocks a suplex attempt then does a sunset flip over DeWine. Russert counts another near pinfall for the Progressive Alliance. Then a woman walks to ringside. “WHO’S THAT?” Suave says, “Wait a minute! THAT’S HILLARY CLINTON! WHAT IS SHE DOING OUT HERE!” Clinton sprays something in DeWine’s eyes. “SHE JUST MACED MIKE DeWINE!,” Suave shouts out. Brown rolls DeWine back into the ring as the crowd chants, "Hillary sucks." Brown goes for the cover…Russert starts counting. “One, two…NO! IT’S THE STRAIGHT SHOOTER JOHN McCAIN!” Suave shrieks, “McCAIN BREAKS UP THE COUNT!” McCain then hits Brown with a mule kick for good measure and quickly exits.Brown throws DeWine to the outside and works on DeWine's right knee. Dr. Bill Frist-Medicine Guy frantically waves to the back for help. Suddenly from the front section races down the Rookie Sensation Starz N. Stripes. Starz plows into Hillary from behind and sends her into the steel barricade. “THE ROOKIE SENSATION CLEANS HOUSE ON THE OUTSIDE!” Suave says as Brown and DeWine continue to brawl in the ring. The crowd is rocking at this point as someone else runs down to the ring. “NOW WHAT? IT’S JUSTIN SUFFERABLE!” Suave says as the Sufferable whacks Starz in the back with a Singapore cane. “TIM RUSSERT’S LOST TOTAL CONTROL OF THIS MATCH!” Suave shouts as Starz N. Stripes and DeWine battles Justin Sufferable and Brown outside the ring. The crowd rises up when the BCEW champion Chris Escondido appears in the back. Escondido races to the ring and flattens Justin Sufferable. “IT’S JUST A MESS NOW!” Suave exclaims as all hell breaks loose and the locker room for both factions run to the ring.
***********
jjdelder at 5:00:27 PM EDT
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Thursday, June 12, 2008
6/9- PCW Loose Cannons Unleashed 4- part 1
PCW LOOSE CANNONS UNLEASHED 4 PPV– June 9TH from Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon, Westville, OH**** HOST: Johnny Suave on play-by-play with his life-size cardboard cut-out of Shania Twain on color**** PCW OVERVIEW (for the uninitiated)
**** Suave: “We are live from Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon for PCW Loose Cannons Unleashed 4!” Crowd: “PCW…PCW!” Suave: “This is PCW’s biggest event. I am Johnny Suave. This hot looking piece of cardboard is Shania Twain. We’ve got a great lineup for you tonight. Let’s recap how we got to here.”
LAST WEEK ON PCW EXTREME POLITICAL TV:
**** -Bill and Hillary Clinton’s final plea to the ‘American Screamer’ Howard Dean, Nancy Pelosi, and Harry Reid fall on deaf ears. Dean informs the Clintons that the Progressive Alliance intends to introduce Barack Obama as their choice to face the American Patriots’s John McCain in the fall for PCW CEO.
**** -Scott McClellan gets attacked by a pen-wielding Bob Dole. Dole jabs McClellan in the forehead with the pen but then McClellan takes out Dole with a kick to the Viagra enhanced groin and gets away.
**** -Indianola Jones successfully defends the PCW Television Title against a newly motivated FUBAR with his new life coach, Dr. Bill.
**** -Triple R is angry over the Clintons capitulation to Barack Obama and seeing his chance to win the PCW title slip away.
**** -Big Oil hires Rough Justice (D.B. Ruff and Connor Justice- two former police officers fired from their jobs for using over the top, extreme measures) as protection. Big Oil finds out that the American Trucker and Average Joe has used his money to purchase a semi-truck and new house to replace the ones Big Oil destroyed when he ran American Trucker’s semi into Average Joe’s house.
**** -Barack Obama is named the Progressive Alliance nominee for PCW CEO. Triple R comes out and causes a fracas that’s stopped when the Clinton’s sic their Political Pitbulls (James Carville and Terry McAuliffe) on him. The brawl also pushes a #1 contender’s match for the PCW Women’s title to Loose Cannons 4. ****
**** Suave runs down tonight’s card.
-#1 Contender Match for PCW Women’s Title: Kathryn Randall Collins aka KRC (Progressive Alliance) vs. ‘PCW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ Tessa Martin of the 3 Amigas w/Tequila Sheila and Daisy Cutter-Bomb (Independent)
****
-Grudge match: Big Oil and Kirk Walstreit (American Patriots) vs. American Trucker and Average Joe (Independent)
****
-PCW Television Title Three Way Dance: 65 year old Indianola Jones (Independent) © vs. ‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido (Independent) vs. FUBAR (Independent)
****
-PCW Tag Team Title Match: Jack Schett and Bull Schett © w/Horst Schett and the Extreme Schnauzer, Hans Gruber (Progressive Alliance) vs. A. Tom Bomb and Hy Drogen Bomb (American Patriots)
**** -PCW Women’s Title Match: ‘Media Empress’ Opal Winfree © w/Opal’s Flock- New Age Sensitive Guy and Soccer Mom (Progressive Alliance) vs. the winner of the ‘PCW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ Tessa Martin/Kathryn Randall Collins match
****
-PCW Title Match: The ‘Original Rookie Sensation’ Starz N. Stripes © w/John McCain (American Patriots) vs. The ‘New Rookie Sensation’ O’Beck Bahama w/Barack Obama (Progressive Alliance) **** MATCH #1- #1 CONTENDERS MATCH FOR THE PCW WOMEN’S TITLE: KATHRYN RANDALL COLLINS…aka KRC (Progressive Alliance) vs. ‘PCW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ TESSA MARTIN of the 3 Amigas w/Tequila Sheila and Daisy Cutter-Bomb (Independent) Suave notes that PCW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl Tessa Martin has dramatically improved over the past few months. He also reminds us that this is KRC’s first match back from a neck sprain she suffered in April at Keystone State Khaos at the hand of a devastating top rope DDT dished out by PCW Women’s champion Opal Winfree. And no Hillary Clinton tonight.
Tessa looks ready. The bell rings and they lock up. KRC tries a couple power moves but Tessa reverses both into arm drag takedowns. KRC powers up. Tessa sweeps her leg and slaps on a fuji bar. “Empress Queen of All Media” and PCW Women’s champion Opal Winfree arrives ringside with her flock- New Age Sensitive Guy and Soccer Mom. Suave: “I wonder what she’s doing out here?” Winfree watches with interest as KRC and Tessa exchange chops. Tessa tries to fight off KRC but Collins hits a flapjack. KRC covers but Opal Winfree distracts the referee. By the time he starts to count, Tessa easily kicks out.
After looking to the back for help from Hillary Clinton or the Progressive Alliance, KRC hits a snap mare to the PCW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl. Dropkick right back at KRC. Both throw rights and lefts. Tessa works the knee strikes. Then off the ropes into a high cross body take down. Tessa covers and again, the PCW Women’s champion has the referee looking the other way. Suave: “What the hell is going on? It’s almost as if Opal doesn’t want this match to end quickly, that she wants this match to drag out and…OHHHHHHH!” KRC reversal into a full nelson on Tessa. KRC flings Tessa down and lays the boots to her. Octopus hold by KRC, Tessa bites her hand and escapes. Tessa runs into a boot to the face. She gets Irish whipped to the ropes and ducks KRC’s charge. Tessa up top and a huge cross body to KRC. This time, the ref gets to 2 but then Opal has Soccer Mom and New Age Sensitive Guy drag the referee out of the ring. Outside, the other two members of the 3 Amigas immediately attack. Tequila Sheila trips up Soccer Mom and throws her into the ring steps. Daisy Cutter-Bomb takes out New Age Sensitive Guy with a Singapore caneshot and then heaves him over the guardrail.
KRC again looks for help from Hillary or the Progressive Alliance. It’s not coming. Tessa hits the ropes, and slams KRC’s knee off of the apron. She works the knee bar and then drops elbows to the knee. Slingshot into the ring ropes and KRC is in trouble. She manages to get to her feet but Tessa small packages her. Again, the ref gets to 2 before Opal herself pulls him out of the ring to break the count. Daisy Cutter-Bomb hits the ring. Opal bails. Tequila Sheila slides the pizza box in. KRC tries to take her down. Tessa hits her with the oversized pizza box with the road sign inside and nearly knocks KRC out. She then nails her finisher- the Pizza Cutter, for the final coupe de grace. Tessa covers. Opal tries to get back in the ring but Daisy holds her leg. 1…2…3.
WINNER AND THE NEW #1 CONTENDER FOR THE PCW WOMEN’S TITLE: ‘PCW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ TESSA MARTIN (Independent)
A bitterly disappointed KRC limps to the back, wondering why help never came.
Suave: “A HUGE WIN FOR THE PCW EXTREME PIZZA DELIVERY GIRL! THE QUESTION NOW IS- DID OPAL’S INTERFERENCE TAKE TOO MUCH OUT OF HER……HOLD ON. THERE’S A DISTURBANCE IN THE BACK.”.
BACKSTAGE Big Oil, Kirk Walstreit, Texas Tex, and Rough Justice stand over an unconscious Indianola Jones. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! Big Oil and Rough Justice have taken out the PCW Television champion!” Big Oil: “Tonight is a night of retribution. For Indianola Jones, retribution for sticking his nose in my business. For Average Joe and the American Trucker, it’s retribution for taking something that doesn’t belong to you. For you schmucks out there, it’s retribution for cheering these low lifes on as they took my money. That’s right, watch out for gas prices going to $4.50 per gallon. Suck on that a while. You people need to know your place because, like it or not, there are those who have, like me, and there are those who haven’t, and that’s all of you. Face it, some people are just better than others…just ask Indianola Jones here.
VIDEO RECAP OF BIG OIL/AVERAGE JOE/AMERICAN TRUCKER FEUD: It all started at 5/6- PCW Extreme Political TV- Kirk Walstreit tells Big Oil that even though Exxon Mobil had record profits that it wasn’t good enough for Wall Street. Big Oil agrees and suggests that gas prices should go even higher. He then gets jumped by both American Trucker and Average Joe.
**** 5/19-PCW Extreme Political TV-During Big Oil/Triple R brawl, American Trucker and Average Joe sneak in set his wheelbarrow full of money on fire.
**** 5/26-PCW Extreme Political TV-Big Oil calls the fans ingrates for cheering Average Joe and American Trucker burning his money up. He introduces a film clip that shows him driving American Trucker’s rig into Average Joe’s house, causing both to explode.
**** 6/3-PCW Extreme Political TV- Big Oil hires Rough Justice (D.B. Ruff and Connor Justice- two former police officers fired from their jobs for using over the top, extreme measures) as protection. Big Oil finds out that the American Trucker and Average Joe has used his money to purchase a semi-truck and new house to replace the ones Big Oil destroyed when he ran American Trucker’s semi into Average Joe’s house. **** MATCH #2 PCW GRUDGE MATCH: BIG OIL and KIRK WALSTREIT w/Texas Tex and Rough Justice (American Patriots) vs. AVERAGE JOE and AMERICAN TRUCKER (Independent) Suave: “This is class warfare at its most ugly. I’m afraid, Average Joe and American Trucker may be outnumbered with the addition of Rough Justice.” Big Oil and American Trucker to start. Lock up and basic counter. American Trucker gets a surprise roll up for 2. Big Oil hip tosses AT and wrenches in an arm drag. American Trucker escapes, a high cross body and another quick cover for 2. Big Oil’s pissed and hits a crucifix. Power slam followed by a suplex. Big Oil throws AT into the corner and kicks away. Boot to the throat and American Trucker is driven to the canvas. Big Oil for the splash. AT rolls away and tags in Average Joe.
Basement dropkick by Average Joe, and Big Oil tags out to Walstreit. He and Big Oil conference first. Walstreit starts with a springboard leg drop. Walstreit throws Average Joe to the floor. Big Oil ambushes him with rights to him. Texas Tex tries to get a cheap shot in with the golden money belt, but American Trucker comes to his rescue. The commotion allows Walstreit to get a sweet tornado DDT off of the apron and through the ring table. Suave: “HOLY CRAP!” Big Oil throws Average Joe back in the ring. Walstreit slams him into the corner. Then he goes to his corner and brings out the autographed picture of ESPN’s Kirk Herbstreit (whom he has a huge man crush on) poses, and then eats a side kick from American Trucker. A spin kick drops Walstreit. Big Oil distracts the ref to allow Walstreit to sneak in a cheap shot. Irish whip and a sunset flip by Walstreit for 2. Average Joe tossed to the floor again. Slingshot cross body by Walstreit connects on the floor. D.B. Ruff of Rough Justice gets a couple kicks in for good measure and then he and his partner, Connor Justice, toss Average Joe back into the ring.
Average Joe needs to tag badly. American Trucker yells to him. Walstreit lays the boots to Average Joe. Back breaker into a neck breaker. Walstreit covers for 2 and then tags in Big Oil. He goes for a suplex, gets it and transitions right into a camel clutch. American Trucker jumps in and breaks the hold. Walstreit in and we’re off to the races. Average Joe fights to his feet. American Trucker goes after Big Oil. Walstreit continues to punish Average Joe. Walstreit off the ropes into a Lou Thiesz press. Big Oil and American Trucker battle on the apron. Big Oil goes for the power bomb but AT holds on to his arm and pulls the big guy down with him. Both men are down. Flinging himself off the ropes, Walstreit hits a flying forearm. Alabama slam. Walstreit whips Average Joe to the corner. Average Joe avoids Walstreit and gets the sunset flip for a very close 2. Rough Justice hits the ring. Ruff and Justice both taser Average Joe and hand him to Walstreit. Stock Market Plunge. Walstreit covers and gets the pin.
WINNER: BIG OIL and KIRK WALSTREIT (American Patriots)
The crowd boos and throws debris into the ring. Big Oil gives the American Trucker an Oklahoma Driller just for spit. He takes the mic and gloats. He holds up four fingers to signify ‘$4 per gallon of gas’ and tells both Average Joe and American Trucker that you ‘don’t @#$# with people with money and power.’ Big Oil: “We can do anything we want to and there’s nothing you can do or say to stop us.” More boos and debris. Big Oil holds his hand out and demands that American Trucker turn over the title to his semi-truck and Average Joe the title to his house.
The Extreme Attorneys- Felcher and Felcher, walk out to the ring. R Felcher goes to Big Oil and hands him a sheet of paper. Big Oil: “What the @#$# is this?” R Felcher: “This is an injunction.” The PCW fans stand and cheer. Big Oil looks stunned. B Felcher: “This injunction prohibits you, or anyone else, from taking ipossession the American Trucker’s truck or Average Joe’s house.” R Felcher: “This means, both items in question will stay in the possession of the American Trucker and Average Joe. Suave: “I don’t believe it! The crowd is actually cheering the Extreme Attorneys.”
Big Oil throws a major in ring fit and leaves. On the way out, he shouts if Average Joe’s house and American Trucker’s rig isn’t returned to him, he’ll push for $5 per gallon gas prices. The crowd continues to jeer Big Oil all the way to the back. Suave can’t believe that the Extreme Attorneys have come to the rescue of Average Joe and the American Trucker. Suave: “It’s almost like that scene from Philadelphia where Denzel Washington refuses to take Tom Hanks’s case. Then Hanks goes to the library to research AIDS discrimination cases. Denzel sees the way he’s treated and it totally changes his attitude.” B Felcher: “Naah. They just gave us part of the money in the wheelbarrow as a retainer.”
Suave: “Figures.”
SCHETT BROTHERS PROMO Jack Schett and Bull Schett announce that this is A-Bomb and H-Bomb’s last chance. Jack says that ever since the Schett’s won the PCW Tag Team belts, the Bomb Brothers have been a step behind. Jack: “…and that’s no Schett.” Suave: “Nice…more stupid potty references.” Bull says that the Schetts have one thing that the Bombs don’t have…well, besides the belts that is. Bull: “We have the ultimate insurance policy…the ultimate security blanket. Because if you try to take our PCW Tag Team belts, you’ll have to get past the Extreme Schnauzer- Hans Gruber. Suave: “The dog named after the guy who wrote ‘Silent Night.’ Bull: “NINE! I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU @#4#ING SAID THAT! THAT’S A BUNCH OF BULL-SCHETT! Hans Gruber is only the…GREATEST MOVIE VILLIAN OF ALL TIME! DIDN’T YOU SEE DIE HARD? SCHELL!”
Suave: “So sensitive.”
BACKSTAGE: Dr. Bill is pumping up FUBAR for his big match tonight. Dr. Bill: “If you’re tired of being a jobber, then be a star! If you hate losing, then win!” Suave: “Again, this guy went to college to spout out contrarian psychobabble wrapped up in kitschy one liners?”
MATCH #3- THREE WAY DANCE FOR THE PCW TELEVISION TITLE: INDIANOLA JONES © (Independent) vs. FUBAR w/his Life Coach, Dr. Bill (Jobber) vs. ‘No Frills’ CHRIS ESCONDIDO (Independent) Suave: “Last week, after taking some advice from Escondido about getting a life coach, FUBAR took the PCW Television champion to the limit with help from Dr. Bill. We’ll see just how he…HOLY CRAP…INDIANOLA JONES IS SOMEHOW STUMBLING TO THE RING.” Still feeling the after effects of the savage beatdown from Big Oil and Rough Justice, a bloody 65 year old Jones crawls into the ring and collapses. Suave: “HE CAN’T WRESTLE! THERE’S JUST NO WAY!” Escondido agrees. He checks on Jones. Dr. Bill wanders over and pushes Escondido out of the ring. FUBAR’s not sure what’s happening. The bell hasn’t rung yet. Dr. Bill implores the ref to ring the bell. Bell rings and FUBAR quickly pins Jones.
INDIANOLA JONES ELIMINATED
An angry Escondido climbs back into the ring and starts chasing Dr. Bill around the ring. Dr. Bill drops his clipboard at FUBAR’s foot. FUBAR picks up the clipboard and potatoes Escondido in the kisser with it. Cover. 1…2…3?
WINNER AND NEW PCW TELEVISION CHAMPION: FUBAR (Independent)
Suave: “I don’t believe it. This just didn’t happen, did it?” FUBAR stands in the ring and looks bit a lost as the referee puts the TV belt around his waist. Dr. Bill raises his hand up. Suave admits that you can’t argue with the results.
BACKSTAGE: Barack Obama arrives in the back and sees Independent Joe Lieberman standing nearby. He beelines right for Lieberman and proceeds to have an animated conversation with him. Suave: “I wonder what’s going on there? I’m guessing the fact Joe Lieberman supports John McCain for PCW CEO isn’t sitting very well for the Progressive Alliance nominee.”
‘Sports Entertainment Guy’ MR. McMANN and VINCE ROUSSEAU MEET IN THE RING Mr. McMann offers George W the sum of ONE MILLION DOLLARS to allow him to improve PCW by adding his genius at sports entertainment. Mr. McMann: “Again, *I* know what the audience wants more than what the audience thinks it wants.”
Rousseau counters with a brand new idea for a gimmick match- a War Games Twister Match. The first wrestler to climb a ladder and grab the spinner off a pole gets to spin it and everyone has to do what the spinner says.
Mr. McMann calls out PCW CEO George W. and demands that he choose between him and his ‘genius’ or the convoluted trainwreck, overbooked matches that Rousseau specializes in. The horribly off-key mariachi band comes out playing ‘Hail to the Chief.’ Suave: “I guess we’re going to find out-” The mariachi band suddenly shifts songs and starts playing an equally hideous, really bad, off-key version of Def Leppard’s ‘Rock, Rock, Til You Drop!” Suave: “Wait a minute! That’s not PCW CEO George W coming out. That’s the EXTREME EQUALIZER- WHISKEY TANGO FOXTROT!”
Mr. McMann: “Now wait a second…wait!…HEY! NOOOOOOO!” Kick. Chokeslam. Goodnight, Mr. McMann. Rousseau tries to exit the ring but Whiskey Tango Foxtrot catches him. Kick. Chokeslam. Goodnight, Mr. Rousseau. For good measure, WTF takes out the horribly off-key mariachi band too.
The crowd gives him a standing ovation as he leaves.
A. BOMB and H-BOMB PROMO A-Bomb comes out and makes an admission. They’ve hit a lull. A down period. After winning the tag team belts, the Bomb Brothers have lost their way. A-Bomb: “Tonight, that all changes.” H-Bomb promises to bring out the political extreme tonight and the Schetts had better be ready for a war. H-Bomb: “Tonight, we’re bringing the family back together…and adding some new blood.”
A-Bomb and H-Bomb come to the ring led by their long-lost cousin, Sign Dude, who proudly displays a sign that says “Eat Schett and Die!” Suave: “Wow! Haven’t seen Sign Dude for awhile.” ‘Silent But Deadly” Newt Tron Bomb is next. N-Bomb announces that that the Bombs needed a little female protection so they’ve brought in a new enforcer. Suave: “Gee, I wonder what her name could be? Olivia Neutron Bomb? Nope. It’s the owner of the most lethal pair of high heel shoes this side of the Mississippi- a six foot demolition machine in a short skirt. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! IT’S DAWN McGILL!” Crowd: “WELCOME BACK! (clap, clap, clap-clap-clap) WELCOME BACK!” A-Bomb introduces the other new member of the Bomb family- ‘The Mastermind’ Karl Rove. Rove comes out pointing to his temple as usual to make sure everyone knows just what a freakin’ genius he is.
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6/9- PCW Loose Cannons Unleashed 4 PPV- part 2
MATCH #4- PCW TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH: JACK SCHETT and BULL SCHETT © w/Horst Schett and the Extreme Schnauzer Hans Gruber (Progressive Alliance) vs. A. TOM BOMB and HY DROGEN BOMB w/Newt Tron Bomb, Dawn McGill, and ‘The Mastermind’ Karl Rove (American Patriots) Forget the bell. A-Bomb and H-Bomb wade in and meet Jack and Bull Schett in their corner. Rove again points to his temple to show he’s a genius. Horst Schett tries to get a couple cheapies in causing N-Bomb to suddenly blurt out, “that’s a pile of horse @#$#!” Suave: “Sigh…” The Schetts grab their title belts and start whipping A-Bomb and H-Bomb. H-Bomb looks ready to go off but Bull chokes him with the title belt. N-Bomb to the top. He tries a flying elbow but Bull’s gone and H-Bomb is the recipient. A-Bomb tosses Bull out to the floor. Dawn McGill and A-Bomb toss Bull face first into the barricade. Then A-Bomb dives over the barricade and wipes out Bull. Back in, Jack Schett facewashes H-Bomb who’s nearly ready to explode. Jack tries to crack open H-Bomb’s skull. Horst throws in a barbed-wire 2x4. H-Bomb goes low and Horst drops the 2 x 4. H-Bomb hits a Russian Leg Sweep with the 2x4 and then smashes it into Jack's crotch. Suave: “Ow…ow, ow…ow.” Barbed wire 2x4 across Jack’s forehead. Suave: “OW…OW, OW, OW, OW OWWWW!” McGill throws in a table. H-Bomb sets it up and then McGill introduces a barbed-wire panel. Suave: “Oh…no….” H-Bomb lifts Jack up and Hydrogen Power Bombs him through the table- barbed wire and all. Suave: “HOLY FREAKIN’ CRAP!”
*YEEEEEE-AHHHHH!*
H-Bomb covers. Barack Obama and ‘The American Screamer’ Howard Dean runs out with the Clinton Political Pitbulls (James Carville and Terry McAuliffe) to break the count. N-Bomb and Dawn jump in the ring. Dawn goes low on both Carville and McAuliffe and sets up the barbed-wire board in the corner. N-Bomb sticks his butt in Carville’s face. Suave: “HOLD ON TO YOUR NOSES. HE’S GOING FOR THE SILENT BUT DEADLY!” McAuliffe grabs the barbed wire board and whacks N-Bomb in the ass with it. N-Bomb jumps around and accidently sets off his Silent But Deadly right in front of Dawn. She’s out. Horst Schett in with a chair and clobbers N-Bomb. Horst tosses him out. Horst takes out H-Bomb with the chair and throws him from thering as well.
A-Bomb and Bull battle through the main floor of Hack’s. A-Bomb is bleeding from a glass pitcher shot. Bull has a cut eye from going face first into the barricade. Horst to the floor. He stretches a ladder across the barricade and apron and tosses H-Bomb on. A-Bomb off the barricade and drives Horst into the ladder, knocking H-Bomb off. McAuliffe and Carville double team A-Bomb and put him on the ladder. Bull to the top. Suave: “This could do it…HERE COMES TRIPLE R!” ‘The Angry Highway Warrior’ runs down and pushes Bull off the top. Then he attacks McAuliffe and Carville. Dean tries to pull him off. H-Bomb up on the ladder. He crushes all four to the floor. Horst lets loose the Extreme Schnauzer Han Gruber. The dog sinks his teeth in H-Bomb’s leg. A-Bomb tries to pulls the dog off and gets waffled by a chairshot from Jack Schett. Jack rolls A-Bomb back into the ring. ‘The Mastermind’ Karl Rove actually sets foot in the ring with a chair. Jack sees him and backs the Mastermind into a corner. He swipes the chair and then takes Rove out with it.
Horst sets a table up in the ring. Bull sets A-Bomb on top of it. Jack climbs the turnbuckle, turns his back, and places a brick in the back of his tights. He then Schett Bricks A-Bomb through the table! One…two…three.
WINNER AND STILL PCW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS: JACK AND BULL SCHETT (Progressive Alliance)
Suave: “That was a war…an absolute war. But the Obama/Clinton factions of the Progressive Alliance unite to keep the Tag Team belts in their group.”
Obama tells Dean that there’s no place in his Progressive Alliance for a loose cannon like Triple R. Dean then kicks Triple R out of the Progressive Alliance. McAuliffe and Carville unceremoniously toss Triple R off the stage onto the main floor. Obama, Dean, and the Political Pitbulls return to the back with the tag team champions.
WOMEN’S LOCKER ROOM Kathryn Randall Collins…aka KRC finds an envelope in her locker. She opens it up and reads a note.
MATCH #5- PCW WOMEN’S TITLE MATCH: ‘Empress Queen of All Media’ OPAL WINFREE © w/Opal’s Flock- New Age Sensitive Guy and Soccer Mom (Progressive Alliance) vs. ‘PCW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ TESSA MARTIN of the 3 Amigas w/Tequila Sheila and Daisy Cutter-Bomb (Independent) Suave:“Two years ago, Tessa Martin made her first appearance right here at Loose Cannons 2. Tonight, she goes for the PCW Women’s title. Could this be the night for the PCW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl? Or will Opal continue her reign as champion.”
Tessa starts fast and they brawl. Lots of punches back and forth. Opal in control. Big boot to Tessa. Opal clotheslines her to the floor. Soccer Mom pulls Tessa up, yell’s “IT’S FOR THE CHILDREN!” and slams the PCW Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl into the railing. Opal then throws her on the steps. Daisy Cutter-Bomb joins the fray and slams Opal into the railing now. Tequila Sheila hits a blender shot on Soccer Mom. Tequila Sheila slammed to the ring steps by Opal. New Age Sensitive Guy apologizes to Daisy while holding her down for Soccer Mom to hit some rights on her. Tessa climbs back in the ring. Opal’s not paying attention on the floor so Tessa leaps through the ropes and hits a high cross body. Crowd: “PCW…PCW!” Soccer Mom again attacks Tessa. She escapes but eats a big boot from Opal. Splash by Opal against the edge of the ring. Back elbows by Tessa. Head butt by Opal and then the chokeslam connects.
Tessa lies on the floor as Soccer Mom and Opal kick away. Daisy whips around the ring with an oversized pizza box. Daisy sets and plasters Soccer Mom with the pizza box. Opal superkicks the pizza box into Daisy’s face. Tree slam by Opal on Daisy through a table! Opal grabs Tessa by the hair- tree slam through another table. She covers for 2 but Tequila Sheila makes the save with her blender once again. Opal sets, charges and runs right into a tilt-a-whirl slam. Tessa locks in the STO- but Opal powers out of it. Finally back in the ring. Missile drop kicks to Opal. Clothesline puts her down. Tessa on the top rope. Suddenly, Barack Obama runs out. He distracts Tessa long enough to allow Opal to face plant her from the top rope. Suave: “HOLY CRAP! THAT WAS WICKED.”
Tessa’s unconscious. Easy cover for Opal.
WINNER AND STILL PCW WOMEN’S CHAMPION: ‘Empress Queen of All Media’ OPAL WINFREE
BARACK OBAMA PROMO Obama states now that he’s the nominee of the Progressive Alliance, it’s time to look forward to November and PCW Extreme Election Night 2008. Obama will campaign to become the next PCW CEO to enact change and work for more fairness within PCW. Obama claims John McCain would continue the poor and haphazard leadership of current PCW CEO George W. He states PCW can do better. Tonight, his wrestler, O’Beck Bahama, has a chance to do something very few rookie wrestlers ever get to accomplish- become the new PCW title. Obama claims his leadership will win Bahama the title.
JOHN McCAIN PROMO McCain retorts that Obama would take us back to the days of Jimmy Carter…if Jimmy Carter was ever PCW CEO. McCain returns to his theme of Obama ‘talking about change’ while he actually works for change. McCain heralds his ability to work with members of the Progressive Alliance to the betterment of PCW. He then talks up the PCW champion, Starz N. Stripes. McCain explains that Starz has been around PCW since 2005. Starz worked his way up and now all of his hard work has paid off- he is the PCW champion. McCain: “It’s the American dream in action.”
McCain and Obama shake hands in the ring.
MEN’S LOCKER ROOM Triple R slams open his locker and finds an envelope very similar to the one KRC found in her locker. He reads it and looks very intrigued.
MATCH #6- PCW TITLE MATCH: ‘The Original Rookie Sensation’ STARZ N. STRIPES © w/John McCain (American Patriots) vs. ‘The New Rookie Sensation’ O’BECK BAHAMA w/Barack Obama (Progressive Alliance) Suave: “This is it. O’Beck Bahama has come a long way in his very short time here PCW. Does he have enough experience behind him to pull off the win over Starz N. Stripes tonight? Or is Starz still a couple steps ahead of him.” Charlene Ann Beckworth does the full ring introductions for both wrestlers. Bahama and Starz also shake hands in the ring. The bell rings.
A little staredown and then O’Beck shoves Starz right out of the box. Starz smiles and they circle around each other before locking up. Starz hits a bodyslam and Bahama retreats to the corner to slow things up. Both men stare each other down again. Another lockup, this time O’Beck pushes Starz into the corner and uncorks a wild right hand that the PCW champion easily ducks. Starz with a side headlock. Bahama shoots him into the ropes but Starz hangs onto them. Bahama aggressively chases down Starz and attempts to cut him off. Starz slides out of the ring and takes a walk.Starz back in and they lock up yet again. Bahama pushes Starz into the corner and delivers the boots to the gut. Out of nowhere, Starz stiffs him with a jarring right hand that sends O’Beck flying across the ring and out to the floor. Starz slingshots himself out of the ring and crushes Bahama against the steel barricade. Irish whip into the barricade on the other side. Starz throws Bahama back in the ring. Irish whip from Starz. Starz ducks for a backdrop but Bahama turns it into a neckbreaker. Bahama starts laying in right hands and sends Starz out this time through the ropes. Starz back up on the apron. Bahama charges into him and sends the PCW champion flying off the apron and onto a table. O’Beck wastes no time in climbing the top rope and putting Starz through the table. Crowd: “PCW…PCW!” Starz crawls out of the wreckage but Bahama follows up with a suplex. Suave: “The New Rookie Sensation is on his A game tonight. Starz could be in big trouble.” Suave also notes that both Obama and McCain have stayed clear of interfering in the match.
Bahama puts Starz in the abdominal stretch. Starz powers out of it into a hip toss. Bahama presses the attack, grabbing a nearby steel folding chair and waffling the champion in the face with it. Starz thrown in the ring. Bahama goes for the win. Suave: “1...2…NO! STARZ SOMEHOW KICKS OUT!!” Bahama can’t believe it and goes for another cover. Starz kicks out again. Bahama goes for a piledriver. Starz gets his feet back down and flips the New Rookie Sensation behind him. Running power bomb takes the air out of Bahama. Starz covers. Suave: “1...2...OBAMA PUT HIS FOOT ON THE ROPES!!” McCain shouts something over to Obama. Starz hits another running power bomb. This time, Obama gets up on the apron and distracts the referee just as Starz rolls him up. Suave counts to at least a five-count, but the referee is talking with Obama. Bahama hits another neckbreaker out of nowhere. The referee counts to two before the champion gets a shoulder up in time. Suave: “WHAT A MATCH! THIS IS THE BEST BAHAMA HAS LOOKED YET!”
Bahama climbs to the top rope but Starz crotches him on the top turnbuckle. Bahama tied in the tree of woe. McCain throws Starz a chair. Baseball slide and Bahama is potatoed with the chair. Roll up. Obama again pulls the referee’s attention away. McCain slams his hands on the canvas in frustration. Starz releases the hold. Suave: “Barack Obama again saves O’Beck Bahama from…WAIT A MINUTE! HERE COMES JOE LIEBERMAN!” Lieberman and Obama continue their debate from earlier in the night. Bahama gets up and sees Obama arguing with Lieberman. He turns his back on Starz and leans across the ropes. Starz slaps on the American Stars Double Fuji Bar submission hold and drives Bahama to the canvas. The referee is right there. Obama can’t get past Lieberman. O’Beck taps out.
WINNER AND STILL PCW CHAMPION: ‘The Original Rookie Sensation’ STARZ N. STRIPES (American Patriots)
Suave: “Starz N. Stripes holds on to the title. But O’Beck Bahama turned in an impressive performance. Only one title changes tonight, the PCW Television Title won by FUBAR…what?...
HACK’S RUSTY NAIL SALOON PARKING LOT A stretch limousine pulls up to Triple R and KRC. The darkened window goes down and ‘Sports Entertainment Genius’ Mr. McMann sticks his head out the window. Mr. McMann: “So. Are you in or are you out?” Triple R and KRC look at each other. Then they get into the limo.
WHEN PCW-POLITICAL CHAMPIONSHIP WRESTLING RETURNS IN MID-AUGUST: -The road to PCW Extreme Election Night 2008 begins in earnest. The PCW CEO contest and political shenanigans heat up as John McCain of the American Patriots, Barack Obama of the Progressive Alliance, Darth (Ralph) Nader from the Green World Order, and Libertarian Bob Barr vying to replace George W.
**** -We’ll find out what happens next in the continuing Big Oil/ |