Nineteen
What do you call a masterbating bull?
Beef Strokenoff
Did you hear about the new wave band called Toxic Shock Syndrome?
They have a new hit song called Ragtime.
Did you hear about the blind gynecologist?
He could read lips.
Time to take a stroll thru journal land and make fun of you!
Sara was in the kitchen, but she was whipping something other than omlettes this time, it was Grissom's behind! That was one egg that she felt she could crack and by giving him mushrooms earlier she knew he'd be on a far out trip to infinity and beyond.
"Smells like fish', quipped Grissom. And that earned our big boy another smack on the butt. Then it was time for Sara to change Grissom's depends. Then Emmi waddled in to the room like a duck a quacked and announced she was ready to get back to making tags with people's names on it. Grissom was overjoyed and Sara became jealous with post partum depression. Sara said, "if you both don't shut up there is going to be a need for may CSI's to be visiting".
That is my happy anniversary edition of my fun fiction journal.
Well you guys, I'm off to Porked Bun State Park in Cocking Hills for some outdoor fun. But first I need to go Zumba ya ma lord, Zumba ya! Let me tell you the instructor is a "whack job" and Jack certainly isn't complaining a bit about that!
Being from PA I can agree with Missie that it was a beautiful day in the state yesterday. Say, why would anyone name a sporting goods store Dicks. For all your athletic supporter needs be sure to come to Dicks! Tricky Dick and his bat and balls and the eight ball in the corner pocket. Tennis players be sure to get your fazzy balls at Dicks!
Another beautiful day in my neck of the woods, yes in deedy. I always go out to eat and I always brag about it. I bought stickers for some stupid kids in my family today. So tell my me dear Monae, what do you really do at that Hobby Lobby . . . do you ride the hobby horse?
Duh, I think I found a lint ball with socks attached and some other assorted nasty things behind my dryer. I guess that is what happens in the boring state of Washington. What a wretchedly depressing state to live.
I'm feeling a bit gay today so I think I will go to Spain, complain about everything, be bitchy, sell my house, drink wine and be a lush. That is what I will do for my life.
I was thinking about doing a poll about who will win the Stanley Cup this year but then I figured my readers are more sophisticated than to waste time getting involved in stupid ass ice hockey. What a bore. To top it all off, my team the Buffalo Sabres is one of only like two teams to miss the playoffs. What a joke.
If you want me to make fun of your journal or know a journal that would be fun to make fun of please send me the link and Jack is very happy to oblige your request. Have a fricken happy day, oh god how sickening is that. Have a happy day! Blah Maybe Allison, you should say sit on a happy face and tell me that you love me . . . that would be so much more exciting.
johnjjschmidt at 7:12:28 PM EDT
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Entry 18 Donde have I been?
Where have I been you ask? Well, I've been on Safari in the wilds of downtown Pittsburgh. I got into some trouble when I kicke a Penguins ass to the curb. A Steeler clocked me upside the head and I have had amnesia off and on for a couple of months now. Some days I remember what I am saying and some days I just don't.
Where have I been you ask? Well, I've been on Safari in the wilds of downtown Pittsburgh. I got into some trouble when I kicke a Penguins ass to the curb. A Steeler clocked me upside the head and I have had amnesia off and on for a couple of months now. Some days I remember what I am saying and some days I just don't.
Some people call me Pete and some people call me repeat and I can't figure that out. Anyway, once I got back onto my feet again I ran into a Pirate and was taken on a journey on all seven of the seas but of course I forgot where they were having milk of amnesia don't you know. My biggest perception of the Pirate was that he was a bit batty but after a while I learned to have a ball with him and I even scored with his sister by going to third base on the first date. But in the end it didn't work out so well so here I am. Yes Missie, come join me baby. You can be here along with Angie and any other female that has a hankering for this piece of meat.
Maybe I will talk to you soon and then again, maybe I won't. Maybe I will talk to you soon and then again, maybe I won't. Maybe I will talk to you soon and then again, maybe I won't.
johnjjschmidt at 8:58:38 PM EDT
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Jokes
What does an elephant use as a tampon?
A sheep
What's Green and Slimy and smells like Miss Piggy?
Kermit's Finger.
Why do tampons have strings?
So you can floss after you eat.
johnjjschmidt at 8:34:25 PM EDT
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E 14
Here we go
1. Beer: Women
2. McDonalds: Disgusting
3. Relationships: me, you, your friend, the bed, that's all I need
4. Purple: Barney
5. Power Rangers: Stupid
6. Weed: Doobie
7. Steroids: Viagra
8. Cartoons: Josie and the Pussycats
9. The President: War monger
10. Tupperware: Love the parties, lot's of women
11. Florida: Hot women on South Beach
12. Santa Claus: Bad Santa
13. Halloween: Jack O' Lantern
14. Alcohol: Let's get drunk and get it on
16: Myspace: jail bait
17. Clowns: send them in
18. Marriage: who needs it?
19. Paris: Hilton, "That's hot"
20. Redheads: Red bush
21. Blondes: blonde bush
22. Pass the: lubricant baby
23. One night stands: yummy
24. Donald Trump: Rich ass pimp
25. Neverland: Fairies
26. Dixie: I wish I was
27. Vanilla ice cream: A stupid rapper that is cold
28. Hooters: OMG yummy and I ain't talkin' 'bout them wings
29. High school: prom, hotel room, drinking, sex
30. Pajamas: who needs them?
31. Woody: I got me one of those
32. Wet Socks: the aftermath
33. I love: having sex anytime anywhere
johnjjschmidt at 7:46:23 PM EST
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Entry Fourteen Survey
Things You Possibly Didn't Know About Me:
1. What is in the back seat of your car right now? Magnum Condoms, handcuffs, my blow up doll.
2. When was the last time you threw up? When I received this stupid Q and A thing.
3. What's your favorite curse word? F**K
4. Name 3 people who made you smile today? The sexy triplets that gave me what I wanted.
5. What were you doing at 8 am this morning? Playing with myself at my desk at work.
7. What age would you consider to have been your favorite part of life so far? The age I am now bitches!
8. Have you ever been to a strip club? Get Real!! Who do you think I am, of course I have . . . . .often!!
9. What is the last thing you said aloud? Bend over.
10. What is the best ice cream flavor? Honey Pot.
11. What was the last thing you had to drink? The sweet nectar of a babe.
12. What are you wearing right now? Nothing at all.
13. What was the last thing you ate? Hmmm. She tasted oh so good!! I'd like seconds. Any takers?
14. Have you bought any new clothing items this week? Yes, a butt plug and a strap on!
15. When was the last time you ran? After I ate those damn refried beans.
16. What's the last sporting event you watched? Nude Mudwrestling.
17. What is one thing you could totally live without doing? Wining and dining . . . just cut to the chase ladies and lets get it on!!
18. Who is the last person you emailed? Jenna Jameson. She's my homegirl.
19. Ever go camping? Yes, me and all the campfire girls that were all grown up.
20. Do you have a tan? Come with me and find out.
21. What is your guilty pleasure? Having a babe sit on my face.
22. What kind of foundation do you use? Just check out my pic and you will know.
23. Who is your cell phone service provider? A T&A.
24. Do you drink your soda from a straw? I do other things from a straw.
25. What did your last text message say? Get your ass over here and take your punishment like a bad girl!
26. Are you someone's best friend? I'm lots of someone's best friend.
27. What are you doing tomorrow? I don't know, I think I have an in and out urge.
28. Where is your mom right now? Did you say mom or hot momma?
29. Look to your left, what do you see? My sexy mug in the mirror.
30. What color is your watch? Gold
31. What do you think of when you think of Australia? Hot and naked Aussie Chicks.
32. Would you consider plastic surgery? I don't like my chicks plastic, keep it real and cum get your dessert!
33. What is your birthstone? Kidney
34. Do you go in at a fast food place or just hit the drive thru? I dive right in, sometimes it's fast and sometimes I just hit it hard.
35. How many kids do you want? Why screw up my sex life with rug rats?
36. Do you have a dog? Sometimes I call her that. She has a leash and collar and she drinks out of a bowl when she is bad.
37. Last person you talked to on the phone? The slut at 1-800-SexChat.
38. Have you met anyone famous? I am famous, met many that are in my line of work.
39. Any plans today? Sleep, scratch my nuts, breathe, eat something juicy, tap some ass, and workout.
40. How many states have you lived in? Let's see, state of denial, state of confusion, state of brain death. 3!!
41. Ever go to college? Yeah, great place to get laid.
42. Where are you right now? Typing this stupid thing.
43. Biggest annoyance in your life right now? Stupid ass questions like this.
44. Last song listened to? When I think about you I touch myself by the Dyvinals.
45. What do you wash first in the shower? My balls.
46. Are you allergic to anything? Skanky chicks.
47. Favorite pair of shoes you wear all the time? My thongs.
48. Are you jealous of anyone? LMFAO Why the hell would I want and go be jealous?
49. Sweet foods or Salty? My babes like it salty. I like the sweet taste of you!
50. Is anyone jealous of you? I hope so. If they say they aren't they are lying.
51. What time is it? Time to finish this stupid thing.
52. Do any of your friends have children? Sometimes they dress up as children, but I like the French maid outfits best!
53. Do you eat healthy? What I eat is healthy and has no calories.
54. What do you usually do during the day? I answered that already.
55. Do you hate anyone right now? I hate the person that sent this to me.
56. Do you use the word "hello" daily? Only when I am trying to get into a chick's panties I say Helllllllo!
57. Favorite time of the day? Bed time!!
58. How old will you be turning on your next birthday? 69
59. Have you ever been to Six Flags? I don't much care for one fag let alone six of them.
60. How did you get one of your scars? Got a little rough one night and got cut and damn was that a great night.
johnjjschmidt at 12:09:57 AM EST
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Entry Thirteen
Good evening! I had to go away on a business trip, but I just wanted to let you know that I have not forgotten you.
It's 52 degrees and a bit cloudy here in Pittsburgh tonight. It could be showery tomorrow and by the end of the week the white stuff may be moving back in. Friggen Punxsutawy Phil saw his damn shadow so now Jack has to endure six more weeks of the cold. Anyone of you chicks want to cum on over and keep me warm with your hot bodies? I know that a majority of you liked the video in my last entry. Especially that sexy Jackie. You don't have pretend that you don't like women on women. If you haven't tried it then maybe you ought to experience it! Jack would like that a lot. If you do, share the details with me you delicious mommas!
Say, Jack had a great idea for a movie. It will be entitled "The Long and Short End of the Law." It will star Shaquille O'Neal as Officer Deion Long and Gary Coleman as Officer Leon "Mighty Mouse" Short.
It is a story about two rent-a-cops that are hired to do security at the Britney Spears estate by her conservator daddy. The Shenanigans begin as the papparazzi cross the line and Long and Short have to lay down the law!! As Long towers over them, he beats them to a pulp Short is busy jumping on the hoods of cars not allowing them to escape. Eventually Long runs out of gas because he is injured and out of shape, once again missing a free throw or ten, and rides off into the sunset on a horse for his next career as a jockey.
The scene once again gets surreal as a bald headed Britney joins the fracas wielding a baseball bat and hits a home-run, especially with that little pervert officer Short. In the end Brit rewards officer Short with a peep of her cooch. Short says "What's you talkin' about Britney?" Our story ends as Brit asks Short if he wanted to make a baby and he said "hell no, I ain't gettin' neglected by a ho like you." The End.
Here are a couple of jokes for your consumption.
Why did God give Mexicans noses?
So they'd have something to pick in the off season.
How did Helen Keller meet her husband?
It was a blind date.
How can you tell who the head nurse is?
By the dirt on her knees.
johnjjschmidt at 10:34:58 PM EST
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Entry Eleven: It's All About Me
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| Thanks to the very sexy TerryAnn for this graphic!! You are hot baby! |
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Pumpkin's Meme: Who Are You?
1. What is your name? Jack O Lantern
2. How old are you? Old Enough 2 Know better
3. Where are you from? Still Undetermined
4. Do you smoke? I'm smokin' hot!
5. Do you drink? Yo Ho Ho and a bottle of Rum! Argh Matey!
6. Do you have a family? Please explain, if yes. Sadly, the only family poor ole Jack has in this one here in Journal Land
7. What are you hobbies? Causing Havoc, sex, being insensitive, sex, playing games, sex, twiddling my thumbs, sex, underwater basket weaving, sex, online porn, sex, flirting, sex, being naked, making people walk the plank, and of course sex.
8. What is your favorite Ice Cream? I don't know about the ice part, the cream is what I dig.
9. What is your favorite animal? Females
10. Do you wear glasses? Only when I can't see.
11. What nationality are your ancestors from? The Nether regions, Transylvania, and wherever the hell my Mojo came from, yeah baby!
12. What color is your hair? Hmmmm. Not sure what hair region this question refers to. Anyway, that is for me to know and you to find out.
13. What are you wearing now? My Birthday suit. Hey, I'm a nudist, anyone want to join me?
14. What is your favorite colors? Blonde, Brunette, Red Head.
15. What teacher do you remember most from childhood? Mrs. Childress, damn she was a hottie. We had sex several times. She taught me all I know. Probably why I am the way I am today, so depraved and nasty! I'm getting horny, thank you Jeanie! I'll always remember you.
16. What are your pets and their names? Don't have any pets, but a whole lot of pet peeves like; people that create these stupid memes, women that insist on condoms, hotties that won't give it up without being wined and dined.
17. What is your favorite food? That's easy, Furr Burgers, fish, but I tend to stay away from crabs.
18. What is your job? To pleasure babes of the female persuasion. I consider that to be not only my job, but my duty. It's a hard job, but someone has to do it. There is one job that Jack likes the ladies to do for him. Hmmm. 
It seems that in a close vote, the Pittsburgh area is where he is residing. So, is it Pittsburgh proper or one of the suburbs. You decide! You have ten choices, so choose wisely!
johnjjschmidt at 12:42:56 AM EST
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Miss Me?
So, did you miss Jack yesterday? I'm betting that many of you did. It is understandable, if I was a part from myself I'd miss myself too. Actually, sometimes that happens when my alter-ego isn't completely with me. Haha.
I think Jack shall take a stroll throughout Journal Land and make fun of a few journals on this fine day!
Yes, I'm a just a little squirrelly today. Probably because I have this dumb lady bug tattoo. Having a squirrel has been done before chick. Rent Christmas Vacation with Chevy Chase. BTW, I have a private journal that no one can see so buzz off everyone. I have a lot of raw crap there, mostly sexual stuff, so I am prudish and don't want you to see.
Gee, lets have a photo challenge. What do you say everybody. Get the most disgusting picture of you that you can find and post it. See if everyone thinks you are as ugly as you really are. I do have to say that the pic of the bridge in New England is beautiful. The only thing it is missing is Jack and then it would be perfect.
I'm a nurse. It rained last night, again. Heath Ledger died. My world will come apart now. I love Brokeback Mountain so much.
I had a job interview, even though I didn't think I'd get one, cause I missed one, but now I had one, and filled out apps everywhere! I sure get around. Wish me luck.
Well, I'm sort of bored with myself tonight so I will leave you with the results of the last poll which seems that Pennsylvania is the state where Jack lives. So let's narrow it down even further. Be sure to vote.
johnjjschmidt at 10:29:31 PM EST
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