By The Way...

Tuesday, February 20, 2007
11:05:00 AM EST
Hearing Not a Second Time -- The Smithereens
An interesting article on lying in the Washington Post, which notes that not only does everybody lie, we lie with a frequency that's objectively appalling -- and we do it because we want to be nice:

Experiments have found that ordinary people tell about two lies every 10 minutes, with some people getting in as many as a dozen falsehoods in that period. More interestingly -- and Libby might see this as the silver lining if he is found guilty -- Feldman also found that liars tend to be more popular than honest people. (Ever notice how popular politicians somehow change their minds on controversial issues such as the war in Iraq at the exact moment that public opinion on those issues changes?)

"It is not that lying makes you popular, but knowing when to say something and not be completely blunt is in fact a social skill," Feldman said. "We don't want to hear hurtful things, so a person who is totally honest may not be as popular as someone who lies. This is not to say lying is a good thing, but it is the way the social world operates."

Lying turns out to be one of those issues on which Americans simultaneously hold contrary points of view. On the one hand, the nation admires such icons as George "Cannot Tell a Lie" Washington and Abraham "Honest Abe" Lincoln. But Americans are an extremely sociable and gregarious people, and if the psychological experiments are accurate, being socially skillful almost always involves the ability and willingness to deceive.

"Parents venerate Washington and Lincoln but also tell their children there are instances you should not be honest: 'Tell your grandmother you like the gift even though you really don't,' " Feldman said. "Kids learn two messages: 'Always tell the truth,' and the other is, 'Not really.' "

I think the basic thing here is that Americans think it's okay to lie to keep from hurting someone else's feelings, but that you shouldn't lie to them. Like, ever.

I try not to lie, but I also have a tendency to believe that not telling the entire truth has its social advantages too -- If someone's asking me about something they've done or said that I may have issues with (and I feel that they don't really want me to tell them all of what I think, and I don't actually feel I need to tell them the unvarnished truth, which is actually key), I'll go through the list of the various things I think about whatever it is they're asking and find the one that will be the least objectionable, say that, and then not imply I'm thinking other things about it, too. Seems to work most of the time.

Mind you, I realize this is the "lie of omission," but I think we do pick and choose about how we lie, and I find this sort of lie the least morally objectionable. Having said that, there have been times I have flatly and baldly lied about something to someone, on the basis that, really, it was none of their damned business. And I would do it again, too. Fact is, I am actually a pretty good bald-faced liar when I have to be. Except with my wife, who so unerringly knows when I'm lying that at this point I really don't even bother. I don't think this is a bad thing.

So, how often do you lie? Tell the truth, now.


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This entry has 10 comments: (Add your own)

• #10 Comment from floymin1 
  1/17/08 1:00 AM | Permalink

  Why do parents and children's programs tell kids to never lie? If we as adults told kids the truth about lying from the start, that would be one less ambiguity they wouldn't have to suffer through when they reached puberty.
  
  Ok... so pre-adolescent children do not have the cognitive skills to understand the subtleties of lying, but it still would have saved me a lot of grief during my teen years.
• #9 Comment from glynpretender 
  2/22/07 2:27 PM | Permalink

  It's impossible in life not to sin. And what is sin exactly. If you say it stands for "surrival instincts of nature" then you have it correct. Sin is sin. So lying is a natural act and thank goodness it is. Breathing, eating,working, these are sins too.
• #8 Comment from lurkynat 
  2/22/07 12:35 PM | Permalink

  Dear John, ah! that's the dividing line bewteen those little white lies and the big bacl ones eh? ..it'sa frustrating concept especially for apretns when you realise that msot of what leaves a teen's mouth adn a young colleg kid's mouth has been ..well tailored and altered for paretnal consumption!
  hugs,nat
• #7 Comment from mavarin 
  2/22/07 2:05 AM | Permalink

  I try never to lie - but not volunteering the most troublesome bit of truth isn't necessarily a lie in my lexicon.  And what about not reporting overtime?  Is that a lie, or just a job requirement?
• #6 Comment from mavarin 
  2/22/07 2:05 AM | Permalink

  I try never to lie - but not volunteering the most troublesome bit of truth isn't necessarily a lie in my lexicon.  And what about not reporting overtime?  Is that a lie, or just a job requirement?

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