My Life

7:41:47 PM EDT
My uncle has a brain tumor.  Apparently, hes also got cancer elsewhere, but right now they are more concerned with the brain, because they want him out of pain. He had surgery today, and they could not remove it all, because he started bleeding really badly.  I guess they are going to start chemo.  His doctors said this was a very fast moving tumor, and that its likely it wasn't even there 3 weeks ago.  I'm not sure, given that and the fact that they couldn't get all of the tumor, what good chemo is really going to do, but I guess the proper thing to do right now is to be hopeful.

Hes 59.  He already had bone cancer that resulted in removing part of his bone and replacing it with a titanium rod, which his body is apparently rejecting, earlier this year.


Written by jolie216 Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 0 comments: Add your own

7:48:10 PM EDT Not for me, for my journal.  I'm pretty sure I will either lose this one or it will migrate away eventually.  And probably sooner rather than later.  Oh well.

Life has definitely had its ups and downs lately, and I haven't really written about them.  In May, we almost moved to San Francisco so Dan could go work for Yahoo, but they didn't want to pay him enough to make the cost of living adjustment worth it, so we didn't.  Their courtship has the interesting effect of giving Dan some level of self confidence for a bit, though, so things were interesting, and mostly pleasant, around here for awhile.  He's not quite as confident now, so hes back to acting awkward and uncomfortable around me often.

My job has also had its ups and downs.  I'm about to go through another reorg, and I'm not overly sure this one will be to my liking, but I have to give it a chance.  Otherwise, I think things are ok.  I'm frustrated, but I get through these moods usually when they happen.

Morgan has been sick again.  Not really *sick* per se, but she has had loose bowel movements off and on since mid-June.  We are almost 100% sure its related to milk, and the GI wants to do an endoscopy and a sigmoidoscopy on Sept 9th to check for this.  Unfortunately, those are the best ways to diagnose a lactose intolerance, but my daughter will have to be put under anasthesia for about 10-15 minutes for it, and that terrifies me.  She will also have to have a baby enema the night before, and I am not looking forward to that either.  I've been having nightmares this week of being chased, and I wonder if its related to this.  We are pretty sure it is milk, though, because we stopped giving it to her for a weekend and her poop was more normal, and then she had some one monday at school and had problems that day, and we haven't given it to her since then and she seems better again.  She had macaroni and cheese one day last week, in fact the day we took her to the GI, and she ended up having problems that night too.

Shes also back to sleeping in our room full time for now.  She actually only slept in her bed one or maybe two nights on her own, before she was back in with us.  We keep asking when she wants to leave, but so far shes content to stay with us, so we will keep offering to have her sleep in her room and one day she will say yes.


Written by jolie216 Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 0 comments: Add your own

7:11:30 PM EDT
Feeling Worried "...it will get easier to see her sick."

I told myself that the first time we nursed Morgan through a cold, staying up with her all night as she coughed and coughed, as we filled the bathroom with steam in a desperate attempt to get our 4 month old baby some relief from her cold, as we wondered what on earth we could do to give her some relief.  But maybe, maybe the next cold won't be so bad and won't worry me so much...

Now here we are - my beautiful, sweet little girl will be 3 in less than a month, and she has what has been preliminarily diagnosed as a bladder infection, which might in fact be a kidney infection, on top of throwing up from something (maybe the kidney infection?  who knows), a fever and a cough that just won't stop.

And still I have hope that some day it won't hurt me so much to see her in pain and see her sick. 

And now, I must go to see why she is so stressed at the fact that there were boogers in her bathwater.  Somehow, she seems convinced they made their way to her bottom.

Someone needs sleep.


Written by jolie216 Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 0 comments: Add your own

10:33:43 AM EDT Morgan let us know this week that she wants to sleep in her own room all night.  Last night was our first try at this, and she did pretty well.  She woke around midnight and took awhile to get calmed down, but she REALLY wanted to stay in her room (she just wanted Daddy to stay with her).  She went back to sleep, but woke a few more times before about 2:00, when Dan unplugged the night light that is outside her room - after that she woke once, but slept the rest of the night.

Its an odd feeling - I'm proud of my daughter and her budding independence, and yet, theres a part of me thats sad that she will not be there every morning when I wake up anymore.  I'm going to have to get used to this all over again.


Written by jolie216 Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 0 comments: Add your own

10:16:00 PM EST The last few weeks have been really hard.  In general I have this balance between when I write and when I don't.  When things are really good, I tend not to need to write, and when things are really bad, I generally can't.  Its like the thoughts don't quite want to be put down, because to put them down means they are permanent.  While they live only in my head, I have the ability, sort of, to pretend they don't exist.

My personal life is troubled.  Theres really no other polite way to put it.  I have needs that aren't getting met, and it seems no matter how I ask for them or how hard I ask for them to be met, it isn't happening.  We are trying to work on this - but I wonder what else I, personally, can do.  I feel like I've been backed completely into a corner on this, and I don't know what to do. 

Work is only marginally better.  I love what I do, I love my team - but I don't love the fact that promotions are completely inconsistent.  I've been strung along for 6 months now, with the promise of a promotion right around the corner - only to get told recently that it will "probably" happen in October.  Only, other people who are probably less qualified as managers are getting promoted faster than I am, and I can't seem to get any clear reason as to why.  Add to that the fact that my company under pays for my level anyway, and it leads to a real feeling of being taken advantage of.  The problem is - I like my team and I actually like the work and the flexibility.  So I ask myself, is it worth it to stay here, knowing I am underpaid and knowing I probably SHOULD be getting paid more, or should I find something else?  And if I AM going to find something else - is it time to move away from here, and go home?

And if I go home - what then?  I've seen what happens when my mom and I are too close to eachother for too long - its disastrous.  And I remember the job industry there, and its probably not a place for someone with my skills to be able to really succeed.  And if I do go home - what about Dan?  He probably can't work there any easier than I can, at least not doing what he wants to.  And yet, I need a support network.  I haven't really felt like I have one here.  And then I wonder, do I really even have one back home, or are things there so different that I don't belong there anymore either?

And then, in themiddle of all of this chaos and turmoil, something great happened.  A friend of ours (one of the first people I met here) is moving to Seattle.  And while that is not the great part - he offered to give us his piano.  He got this piano in 1972 and when he decided he had to give it away, the first person he thought about was my Morgan.  He wanted it to have a good home, and knew we would give it one.  And I have wanted a piano for so long - definitely since Morgan was born.  I grew up with one, and I have so wanted Morgan to grow up with music in the house.  And now she can, and its due to the wonderful generosity of a good friend.

The stress has been causing so many problems.  I haven't been sleeping, which is bad enough, but now I find out my thyroid is high again, probably from forgetting to take it during the stress, my cholesterol is high, due to what is probably a less than optimal diet due to stress (and the fact that Starbucks scones are just so darn yummy), and my white blood cell counts are low.  They are rechecking those on tuesday - if they are still low, I don't know what comes next, but it has me worried.  I'm probably being paranoid, as I tend to do, but I have this feeling its something real this time, only I don't know what and I don't know how well I am going to be able to handle it all on top of everything else going on in my life.


Written by jolie216 Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 0 comments: Add your own

7:34:37 PM EST
Feeling Sad So theres this person I know that I really think I want to get to know better.  I feel like we could maybe be friends, only, how as an adult do you approach someone and make that happen?  I'm always so unsure of myself, and unsure how I come across to others, and I don't want to seem silly if I think theres a possibility for friendship and this person doesn't.  I don't tend to try to make real friends with people often, because I'm generally afraid of the outcome.

I've been on the depressed end of normal lately, I think.  I'm tired.  I'm tired of making decisions, tired of directing people, tired of being responsible for others.  And as someone pointed out to me today, it seems all my *fight* is gone. 

Hawaii ended up being - well, less than I would have hoped, after as long as we spent planning it.  Morgan spent a couple days with a fever, which we found out when we got home was because she has a UTI, and there was enough tension between my mom and me that more than once, we considered flying home early.  We came home to a lost carseat (the airline delivered it the next day) and to a BMW that wouldn't start, which was on the heels of the control arm bushings being replaced, and finally decided to sell it.  We are going tomorrow to get a new car, and it looks like it will be an Infiniti this time.  I'm not looking forward to paying for it.


Written by jolie216 Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 0 comments: Add your own

5:22:49 PM EST Kauai is beautiful.  Our first two days were great.  We went to the beach in the morning, and let the kids play, and ran errands in the afternoon (grocery shopping mostly).  The weather, although a wonderful temperature, was overcast, grey and slightly rainy.  Yesterday the weather started to clear up, and the day started out wonderfully - Dan, my brothers family and I went tubing through the irrigation ditches and had a blast.  Yesterday evening, we were supposed to have fun on a dinner cruise - but instead, I spent the entire cruise holding Morgan, who eventually ended up throwing up numerous times, while Dan spent the entire trip puking off the back of the boat.  So while everyone else got to really enjoy the beautiful NaPali coast, and saw spinner dolphins and whales, I tended to the sick.  This morning, Dan went golfing while I tended to a sick child - this time with the cold she seems to have acquired overnight.  Shes lightly feverish and coughing and sneezing, with a very runny nose.  She didn't want to go to the beach with my brothers family this morning, so instead we stayed home while they went out.  This afternoon, we were going to go get pizza with the crew, but she didn't seem like she was doing that well in the car, and I got stressed so they brought the two of us back.

So instead, Morgan is trying to nap and I am watching the Redskins / Cowboys game.  They are currently in the second quarter and the score is 10 - 0 Washington.

Tonights plan is a luau - we are going to try to take Morgan, but I've made the executive decision that Dan is in charge tonight, so if shes having issues, HE gets to bring her back to the house.  She wants so much to go to the luau though, so I am hoping shes feeling at least a little better by then.  I'm trying to load her up with orange juice, but she won't drink it.  So instead we are using the Sniffles n' Sneezes that we swear shortened her cold last time, and giving her Mucinex and Tylenol to help decongest her and control the fever.

This isn't really how I imagined spending my Hawaiian vacation.  I hope tomorrow is a better day.


Written by jolie216 Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 0 comments: Add your own

9:22:00 AM EST
Feeling Quiet Its amazing the things you remember from your childhood as traditions.  For me, one of these things was the Bugg Christmas Lights.  We probably only went a few times growing up - but I remember the joy and excitement of it like it was yesterday.

Let me explain.  The Buggs were a family in Albuquerque that put up an elaborate (some would say gaudy, but they obviously aren't children) Christmas light display every year.  Over time, the Buggs and their house became local celebrities and starting on the weekend after Thanksgiving every year, people would pile into their cars at night to drive by the Bugg house and see what this years display would entail.  Over time, the Buggs set up collection bins for local charities, to give something (else) back to the community.  Their neighbors, however, weren't so keen on the traffic and extravaganza, and in 2002, the Bugg lights moved to Traditions, a strip mall right outside of town.

And now, Traditions, an apt name for the host site for the past five years, is being sold, and because of this, the lights are looking for yet another home.  I hope they find it, so that more generations of children can be raised with that same excitement and anticipation that I had going to the Bugg lights for Christmas.


Written by jolie216 Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 0 comments: Add your own

11:05:14 AM EST
Feeling Silly I got the following IM from Morgans teacher at daycare today:

Morgan just said the funniest thing!  We were doing her winter show shirt with her and she was laughing very hard.  Sandra said "your laugh is contagious."  to which Morgan responded "I should go to the doctor."

Yes, my daughter knows what contagious means.


Written by jolie216 Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 1 comments: Show Recent | Add your own

4:24:51 PM EST



Written by jolie216 Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 0 comments: Add your own