just verbage

I find it almost incredulous...

Childish...

THat one does not go anywhere....if truth be told. I still sit here. I remain typing here. My words are no different, just the address.

Incredible.

I didnt GO anywhere.
Just changed a freaking link and then its like walking into a room and everyone shuts up...

SO yea, I built this here...why?

For me.
Am I irked? Ya a bit. I post here when I feel as if there is just something to spew and that is about it. Does that make me a party pooper...

pffffft

If ya say so...
My words are no different here or there. I prefer there for the individuality I can have and control...
Funny thing, I STILL come by these spaces..."Oh its one of THEM"

I could go on and on.....but I think I will...at that Other link...

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So much older:

As of 8/25/2006
You are 41 years old.
You are 492 months old.
You are 2,139 weeks old.
You are 14,975 days old.
You are 359,409 hours old.
You are 21,564,558 minutes old.
You are 1,293,873,536 seconds old.

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The evil that dwells within. Devours, is mine and mine alone. That which has cast itself amongst all that is known. All that is loved.

A perception of the mind.

Intertwined within the words, hovers a life. An existence beyond all others...
And at times found wasted crumbled on the dirt path.
Breath in.
Breath out.
Dust floats and falls. Floats and falls.

The mind, when in too deep, looking behind the crevices, is a dark, stank place. No words can label that which is and yet there it sits. With a sickening smile and chuckles.
Sipping from a glass made of souls. Damn him!

Although this part of the path only appears when a weakness settles to stay. One perceives it as this weakness. When all the strength cradles within leaps...
Leaps...no faith. No ...

Empty. And yet we carry ourselves through day in and day out. The smile glued upon the face, or is it that mask? New day, new face as the insides are devoured.
Ripping the bones from head to toe and managing a smile.

Thus the retreat back into where we are safe. No light, no air choking on the knowledge we choose and are not chosen.
And, accept it.

A semblance of a life.

Not afraid.
Not alone.

It just is.

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 40 Questions

Here's one of those little memes that has been spreading like wildfire across the blogosphere. If you're reading this, you're hereby challenged to answer the questions yourself. (And if you do, feel free to leave a link to your own responses!)

1.Have you ever been searched by the cops?
Ummmm...if I tell you, I'd have to ummm never mind.

2. Do you close your eyes on roller coasters?
Well yeah, if you don't your eyes dry up and then they fall out...geeeesh.

3. When's the last time you've been sledding?
Two years ago...not sure really if it was sledding as there were no sleds...laundry basket, large plastic bag and a tire tube...is that 'sledding'.

4. Would you rather sleep with someone else, or alone?
After 16 years, its nice on occassion, but hell I dont wake him up if he falls asleep on the couch! heee heee

5. Do you believe in ghosts?
Maybe....I dont NOT believe. I have never seen a form, yet have had very strange unexplainable events occur. In this house, especially. Doors slamming, kids laughing, footsteps...doesnt bother us though.

6. Do you consider yourself creative?
Who me? Nahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...........

7. Do you think O.J. killed his wife?
Personally? I dont know. And that is why the man got off...Too many doubts...to many reasonable doubts. As the optimist? I ould like to think that maybe someday the truth will come out.
Pessimist? Someday his truth will come out. Hard to tell and yes as Patrick said, all we are left to do is speculate. There were things we werent privy too, and there was evidence the jury was not privy too...
Whomever is responsible will have their day...

8. Jennifer Aniston or Angelina Jolie?
No question: Angelina

9. Do you stay friends with your exes?
As long as I don't hear from them, sure.

10. Do you know how to play poker?
Yes I do as a matta o fact.

11. Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight?
Yes, two births, quite a few college escapades.

12. What's your favorite commercial?
Oh there is a few...Sprint ones crack me up...THe guys in the gym(There are two different ones), Sealy one with the salesman sucking down the soffee, and coffee grounds...LOL

13. What are you allergic to?
Apples, pears, peaches, plums, raw peas, raw carrots, raw celery. Sigh.... and I love apples too! The irony and I make a mean apple pie..(Oh I can eat them all cooked..blah not the same)

14. If you're driving in the middle of the night, and no one is around do you run red lights?
Nope.

15. Do you have a secret that no one knows but you?
Of course.

16. Boston Red Sox or New York Yankees?
Yanks!

17. Have you ever been Ice Skating?
Yeppers, grew up in a huge hockey town, we all skated....cant rollerskate worth shit though.

18. How often do you remember your dreams?
Depends......

19. When was the last time you laughed so hard you cried?
Last night. Its a regular thing in this home.

20. Can you name 5 songs by The Beatles?
"Let it Be", "Helter Skelter", "Hey Jude" "Penny Lane" "Help"

21. What's the one thing on your mind now?
I need to finish this, and use the facilities and get my ass packing for our trip. I can dream...

22. Do you know who Ghetto-ass Barbie is?
LMAO...in real life or the toy?

23. Do you always wear your seat belt?
Of course I do!!!! Okay, not all the time, but more so now than I ever did before, since the accident.

24. What cell service do you use?
I dont have a personal cell....I have a work on, and they use *&^^%$ Cingular..but I hear we are switching to Verizon..

25. Do you like Sushi?
Yep. And so do two of the kids...they love it!

26. Have you ever narrowly avoided a fatal accident?
I wish I had narrowly missed any accident...fatal? Came close once yes.

27. What do you wear to bed?
body spray....lol, whatever I am wearing as I usually just fall asleep reading or writing or eekkks watching nonsense on the tv.

28. Been caught stealing?
No.

29. What shoe size do you have?
7 1/2

30. Do you truly hate anyone?
Nah, I find that to be a waste of energy...I'd rather use that negative energy and thrust it into something positive or will have a positive outcome! People I find that grate thatnerve? I do without...

31. Classic Rock or Rap?
Rock baby!

32. If you could sleep with one famous person, who would it be?
Can't think of anyone off the top of my head.

33. Favorite Song?
Too many to list

34. Have you ever sang in front of the mirror?
Mmmmmaybe..

35. What food do you find disgusting?
Hmmmm have to really think about that.......

36. Do you sing in the shower?
Who the hell has time?

37. Did you ever play, “I'll show you mine, if you show me yours?”
I'll never tell....

38. Have you ever made fun of your friends behind their back?
Yep and they do to me...I will never say anything about anyone or do anything that I wouldn't to their face...Its a mutual thing between us friends....

39. Have you ever stood up for someone you hardly knew?
Yes.

40. Have you ever been punched in the face?
I can take a punch.

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Not as if I am hiding. Really.  I am here. No name change. No psuedo. Just me.
Right here in front of all and still not really seen.
The story of my perception of my life.
Couldnt be further from the truth, yet it has a justification to it.

So where has the mind wandered today?
Oh many many places.
I have visited the world of words. Of those I adore and those I loathe.
Wanting to place them right where they belong and toss the bloody rest in the heap.

So many ideas, so little effort. Has nothing to do with time. I could lie and say Oh I am so busy. Life and this and that. Poppy cock!
It is about desire. How bad do I want it?
Or
Is it if I go for it and obtain it(which I would, as I have this uncanny knack of doing this)...what would happen to my dreams?
What fantasy is left?
Would there then be a blank page. Would the existence of what I strived for just poof be gone?

Reinvention.
Inventing me.
A life.
Over and over.

I can count on fear to keep me away. Fear and the .... well the laziness. Laziness induced by fear. So busy ya know.

So why write here?
Good question. I dunno.
These walls have a comfort to them. Unsure, really of that answer. Just when I type here, it...it is free. They just flow. No thought goes into who is reading. I do not care if there are thoughts left or not. Not that they are not appreciated, they are, yet I do not write here for anyone.

A confessional of sorts.
All my deepest inner thoughts and then some, revealed and waiting to be found?
Kind of exhilarating in a way.

Secrets? Nope.

I have none. I am an open book. I really am. Whatcha wanna know?
I do believe I am comfortable of where I have been in life to not hide them. It is who I am. And if someone else finds offense in those moments of then, well....so be it. I do not seek solace in someone else's approval. Not anymore I do not.
Once.
But not now.
As I have said before, if it were not for then, I would not be now...

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Ya
Hear the choir?

Realized a bit here today, in my mind travels...
I have absoluely nothing to say, that is of any interest to anyone. It is my own mind babble. Chatter in the matter and has no impact on a single soul.

The same rhetoic over again.
BLAH!

SO why?
Why do I subject myself to this? This game of click and link? For what purpose? No one gets anything from my boring little meanderings and if they do, well hell be nice to share...
Yes, I am bitchy. Bitchy about a lot...and this writing thing.....is just driving over the edge.
Tired of finding something of interest. Tired of watching my p's and q's while maintaining the I's and t's....

Screw it...
Vacation can not come soon enough.
I write for me, or so I thought and out of this a monster created. I believe it is time to live and to sort through what I want from ll of this....
'Cuz it aint happenin' now. Not this way.

Blah

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Validation.
Mortality.
Abrasive.
Geek.

Tell me something I do not already know.
Words. Hanging there.
Right in front of my face. Mental erasure, just not kicking it today.
And for some strange cosmic, karmic reason they just play over and over and, well you get the idea.
Seeking some kind of validation. Anywhere, we seek. From anyone we find comfort. Soothing hurt pride. Soothing that ego. For what?
So that one can go on with their lives?
Does it really?
I mean truly within your heart of heart soothe?
Mortality hit me this week, hit me hard. And I can only place it on maybe a few items. One being my brothers birthday. Yeah I know some one elses not mine. Mine is still in my delusion of a number. Not, the reality of man I am getting older.
Until my oldest brother turned 50. Man oh man. I am much younger than he, yet it still flows through me that, "Hey...you had better look ahead a bit there girl"
I am a tad bit estranged from him, a pain I carry deep. Very deep. And no it will not be bettered by talking or sorting it out. Our lives are so different. Our values.
All of us(all three) are very different individuals that we can not stand to be ...we.
The reality, I was very much an only child. Not literal, but true. The boys are much older and were out of the house before my memory of them there kicks in. There are memories that deluge on the edge of a deam and those are moments I can count on both my hands, if that.
There ae days I think forward only to know there is pain in those days ahead. I live quite free spirited...do my thing, without cause of them. I choose this. I had thought of writing a note to express my sibling love, only to excuse why I should not.
I was going to send a card, and write wow 50, closer to mom, but thought better of it. Cold, too cold.

Seeking validation.

Abrasive, I am told. Yea me. Whatever.
Geek...again....

Words. They find their way in and they stick. Never ever been able to shake them. They eek in hen least expected and then drive themselves through my veins. COursing through thoughts and sanding out there...as if yelling to be noticed.

We sit, we stay. We seek...and for what? What knowledge would be gained, is gained and where do we choose it to go when we are gone?

Muttering now, free flow thought, instigated revolt.
Here within these walls. Within this skull.....
Revolt.

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A questioned posed:

"What are you?"

A question answered:

"Excuse me? What I am is factual... a person made up of many different parts. THe what of what I am, exists within a statistic. A subjective view."

A questioned reworded, and posed again:

"Who are you?"

A question answered:

I am an enigma.

I am what I am and I make no excuses.
I am the heart that has no boundaries, that seethes and pulsates
boiling over
on a kettle of ice.

I am what you see and then more.
I am the monster within that seeks to eat you from the inside out. I am the brutal reality of the one I call self.

I am the one who feels every blow
Every slam
And will find no wrong.

I am you and you and yes even you.
I have no segregation, I fit like a chameleon.

I have seen the world through the world's eyes
So what if I chose to see through my own.

I have the compassion and the love
That fills thy cup
And the soul that Satan has attempted
To claim.

I am the one who is sitting in the next room, oblivious to your agenda.
I am the one who
Writes
The agenda.

There is no great secret. I have none.
There shall be no query of what
Or who.

I exist to exist.
I live to breath and breath to live.
NO dent on the world and all the markings of impact.

I am.


Who are you?

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