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12:12:00 AM MDT
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The repercussions of the big X that has been taped to my mouth lately has come back to haunt me. When I should have been there for someone I wasn't. It's my personal catch 22. I use silence as a self protection mode, a way of preservation, a time to sort out before I make another wrong move. My silence serves as my hiding tool, a cowardly move on my part, slinking into the shadows, yes thats me with a capitol C.
I can write, I can even express myself pretty well here on blank pages, all one way conversation. But when it comes to expressing myself verbally, and when those who really need me too, I am an illiterate mute.
Get me in a debate or in front of the partners in a business meeting and I dare someone to get into a verbal debate with me, I rarely allow for even a draw, I like to win my point. But put me in an emotional position where things like personal feelings, thoughts, needs are required to be expressed, I wilt like a week old flower. The throat constricts, my mind screams to be released, yet no sounds can be made. It's a phobia I've created that I have no name for.
It was my silence this last week, that prevented me from being available for someone who needed a person to count on. It seems all wrong to even mention my own weight of guilt that rests on my shoulders, so I'll toss that into it's own compartment for now.
A young woman is very sick and needs the thoughts and prayers of the world.
And with deepest apologies, I am sorry to both of you.
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I hope this friend did not mistake your silence for not caring. Sometimes those feelings that are unsaid are the most precious of all. The glint of happiness in someone's eye, a child's giggle, a dog's tail wagging... http://journals.aol.com/dcmey
er420/DearDiary/ -
Sometimes silence is the greatest gift of all! I hope that your sick friend gets all the caring and prayers that she needs. Paulette
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I, too, have been faced with disappointment at my lack of action or comfort for a friend in need. Guilt is too strong a word on this one though. We all have the pitfalls that keep us from being the person we want to be at all times. Don't let this get to you for too long. You've admitted it to yourself, all of us, and I'm quite sure the friend mentioned. Accept that you had a spell of not being the true you, then make peace with it and your heart. You are not an awful or cowardly person. You are a woman from Idaho, mom to two, wonderfully artsy and soulful person, who had a low period; you are not superhuman, sometimes these things can't be avoided. Smile - you are loved!
Tammy
http://journals.aol.com/tschamberland/lifeliveitormissout/ -
I could have written this entry myself. I too tend to back into my shell, reading and writing becoming my "insulation" against the outside world.
But you have to remember one thing....you have a life, and you have an obligation to live that life. You have been dealing with quite a bit yourself lately, from your recent entries, and I don't think anyone can blame you for being a little late with loving words and support. If you don't take care of the vessel in its own time of need, how can you ensure the soothing balms that flows forth for others will be up to par?
Hope you and your friend are feeling better. Prayers to you both.
CarrieCMc
http://journals.aol.com/ccmcwriter/TheWayICameToBeMe
4/23/05 6:38 PM