In The Shadow Of The Iris

  Vincent Van Gogh   Irises in the Garden

  It's possible. That you can take in alittle too much perspective and end up with something that resembles a whole lotta of nothing you can do about anything. So when you find yourself in this circle of helplessness, what does a person do?
   
     I started a mission of adding alittle perspective into my life, that could have been a good endeavor, but me, being well, me, I of course had to dig deeper then perhaps I should have. I wish it wasn't true, but no matter which direction I looked, someone out there was suffering in some manner, and this breaks my heart. 
   
     If I felt bad about one thing, I would glance over my shoulder to another and say to myself, "See, what the hell are you feeling bad about, look at that person." Then, in the next hour when the feelings of remorse, sadness, etc., would try for another hold on my sanity, I would again, glance over my shoulder and again try this banter of rational.  Again thoughts of how dare you even think, much less verbalize how your feeling when so and so is going through xyz.
    
    It really seemed like a logical move on my part, downplay the overbearing with things that seemed much more significant then my own heartache and confusion. I know I don't hold the corner market on guilt, I know I'm not holding up the pillars of moral do right, humanity doesn't depend on my choices. Downplayed, ignored, locked into the silent world that is my thoughts, crushed beneath perspective research, the ploys I've attempted has not quieted the shit tormenting my everyday.
    
    I have a confession that I've been avoiding on these pages. The changes I spoke of, the hiding I did for a week, the new tone that has obviously not come out on my pages, it was all for naught. I failed. And for now, I'll leave it at that.
 
    This whole array of emotions, failure, guilt, panic, fear, sadness, loneliness, bone tired, isolation, perspective, longing, stress, choices, silence, heartache, is all the ingredients for a one way ticket into rock bottom. It's a highly specialized membership club, I do think there should be a better organizational system around here though. There's far too many voices all trying to say their position at once. Damn loud around here.  
 
    If your thinking send that girl some prozac or welbutrin, I already thought of that, and I don't have connections to a black market for such things. I have a little condition, and trust me, it's not a big deal in my life, called epilepsy. Evidently doctors think doing the kickin chicken <I have this condition so I don't have to be politically correct, and thats what I choose to call a seizure> is worse then feeling like emotional mush all the time. I don't even know if given the choice I would take such things, but it's great banter conversation to give the doctor grief about. You should see the way he roles his eye's and laughs during our little visits. Ya, like the cop and my boots, I like to see if I can make a person laugh in every situation.
 
    Van Gogh was a mental tortured soul right? Yet, look at all the beauty he brought to the world. Ok, yes, I know, he had to die before any of his talents were merited, but still, it gives people like me, with minds alittle off canter, destination. I know I'll get it all figured out, I know I'll emerge on the other side with new lessons, alittle touch of extra wisdom, alittle stronger, alittle smarter, alittle tougher. I'll explore all options, try to salvage some hurt relationships, turn in my rock membership pass when the time is right and find my smile again.

       It will be all good. Tis a promise I've made to myself.

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• #25 Comment from loststream 
  3/28/07 6:01 AM | Permalink

  Rebecca Anne, my younger sister, Sunny, who will be 31 years old in a couple weeks has epilepsy.  She has had it since she was 17 years old.  She has both grand mal and petit mal nocturnal seizures that are both "fairly" under control with prescription meds.  However, recently, she found out that the effects of her seizures has damaged her brain.  According to a neurosurgeon, as well as her own neurologist, she now has the brain comparable to that of a 70 year old.  This is extremely traumatic news for my sister, myself, and our family.  Thankfully, she shows no ill symptoms.  You wrote this journal entry about 2 years ago... and yet, this is so strange and profound for me to encounter your journals NOW during my present state of affairs... Diane.
• #24 Comment from babyshark28 
  4/25/05 10:16 AM | Permalink

  Sometimes,
  I feel like you are my voice.
  :)
• #23 Comment from mechants 
  4/24/05 8:40 AM | Permalink

  My cousin has epilepsy so I know it's no walk in the park. It can be quite scary at times.
  
  As for perspective, be careful. While perspective can open your eyes and put things in a new light, it can also make one feel insignifigant in comparison. Just because someone is going through xyz, doesn't mean YOU are not allowed to go through your own emotions.
  
  You keep speaking of change and a new tone, but frankly, I like your tone and I like you just as you are.
  
  Ari
• #22 Comment from mutualaide 
  4/23/05 6:43 PM | Permalink

  It will all be good.  Truer words have not been written today.  When all is said and done, what happens, happens and you can only offer what is available of yourself to others.  Take care of you.  The rest will take care of itself.  Thoughts are with you.  Prayers too.  So sorry you are hurting this way.
• #21 Comment from plittle 
  4/23/05 7:13 AM | Permalink

  And then there was Picasso: a womanizer and a drunk, and wildly famous long before he died...
  
  I have absolutely no idea what that means.
  -Paul