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9:59:00 AM MST
Daisy Day
Although I once again feel devoid of respectable chitter chatter, or type-oh-worthy material, I thought I would try "throw the paint and see what materializes" theory. I got up at 5:00 a.m., which is an unnatural hour, in my humble opinion, for anyone to be awake. But today seems like a good day to start early.
The first of March marks another seasonal survival period for me. January and February are brutal to my daily peace of mind. It's a time frame that has the ability to snake bite my insides and decay my smile. I suppose conventional wisdom could say I suffer from the cliche effects of seasonal affective disorder (S A.D.), but I would prefer staying away from any sort of labels and simply understand I struggle though certain times of the year.
Each year is different, especially with my growing surface knowledge and understanding of my own interior. It took awhile, but over the last few years I've realized, put my finger on it per say, that it's 'normal' for me to tank into darkness during the first two months of the year. The yearly goal for me, now, is to keep a window cracked open and reasonable conscious perspectives close at hand. If I maintain that, I don't feel like I'm one step away from black despair of the indescribable ~~
This year I went the direction of hyper-manic, which made me a slave to my impulses, made for a lot of sleepless nights and unexplainable creations......but kept me productive in the day to day. It was a nice change from years of past. I wasn't swallowed whole by black corridors and silent landscapes.
I've kept the Lavender Black at bay...................
Permission and Patience. Those are the factors in my life that have made all the difference. I used to fight, kicking and screaming against the hooks of a bad day, a sad day, a bleak day, a black mood. I used to think something was wrong with me when those type of days rolled into my world like a fog. I used to think there was something immeasurably wrong with me when I couldn't control and maintain a daisy filled flower attitude.
It took awhile to understand I was being quite unreasonable to think everyday should be calm, beautiful and as stable as a mountain. It was rather pompous really, to think I could go through life without waves, ebbs and flows, ups and downs. Permission to feel as my mind wanders and patience to discover the next destination, tis my dose of Prozac.
Did..I just admit I have psychological issues? (I know, I know, you've all known that about me for quite some time, haven't ya) I suppose that's a reasonable admission, and better then just saying I may have a touch of whacko within me <grin> I haven't met very many people who don't have some sort of visible screw rambling around loose in their minds. Although I understand why I would like to pretend life is just peachy, it does make for a bland illusionary assumption.......
Truth threads its way through eventually, always~~~~
Wishing for Daisy Day's
And accepting the weeds as they emerge.
Rebecca Anne
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LOL, I just read Freds comment OMG, is he for real? I was going to make a comment on S.A.D. as I have suffered from it for years, but he's thrown me completly!
Gaz -
Fred....
Your frank honesty is somewhat refreshing~~~~
Always,
Rebecca -
Yeah, we know you're fucked up, but we love to rubber-neck.
Fred -
Accepting the dandelions along with the daisies. I'm glad you're understanding yourself a mite more. I have some down times myself that seems less so now that I'm also walking a dog outside in the winter months, and dancing again, but still. Ebb and flow. No one should be a completely even state all the time, right? Ack, that's a bit nondesirable.
I love the card:) It was my daisy in an afternoon that was stressed, some of it good stress, some of it some bug going around, but still stress.
Life isn't all daisies and roses and lilies and those other flowers in my daughter's bouquets whose name I usually forget. When we do get them? Yes, we can treasure them.
Not sure I could wake up at 5:00 a.m. routinely. Actually, I know I couldn't!
3/13/08 8:11 AM