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I always believed that anyone could hand me a topic about anything in the world and I could effortlessly write about said topic. Nothing would or could intimidate me into blank stares and constant silent tears of frustration and despair. I always thought I was a rather invincible writer, until now............
Why I agreed to such a request, is now beyond me. It's crushing.
If I never write another thing I don't really care, but I have to do this perfectly.
She deserves beautiful perfect.
She is my Grandmother.
I have the honor of writing her life sketch, everyone's memories, of capturing all that she was by means of simple words, a nearly impossible task.
Then I have the honor (horror) of reading my own interpretation at the funeral...in front of all the people's lives she touched, while trying to maintain some sense of composure.
I'm in trouble.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two days ago, May 5th, Monday evening at 9:39 p.m while I held my hands on her soft skin, my Grandmother Mary left this world. She was surrounded by people who loved her, just as anyone should be honored in their time of passing. She wasn't alone, Grandma always hated to be alone........
I had never been with someone in such a manner when they passed away. I've certainly never lost someone I was incredibly close like my Grandmother. There was no moment of peace, or divine inclusion to experience. All I ever wanted for her was to die peacefully in her sleep...as she deserved. What she got there in the hospital was not, peaceful, until the last 5 minutes when her body gave up.
I whispered in her ear. I said I loved her with all my heart and that it was ok to let go. I lied because I didn't want her to give up. I didn't want her to leave, but I'll keep that selfishness to myself. I was the last person to leave the room after the electronic line we had all watched so closely had gone flat.
I took the arm restraints off her, and tucked the covers tight around her body. I didn't want to leave, but found myself stunned how quickly a body changes after someone has passed away. Or maybe a lot of time passed and I just didn't notice. I can't capture the concept of time since she left.......Stunned how quickly the hand I held turned cold, how the color shaded into yellow on her skin. How silent the room became. I went from afraid to leave her alone, to needing the same escape all my family had chosen. I expected better of myself.
~~~~~~~~~
I should get back to doing the honor my Grandmother deserves. Perhaps now that I've wrote a few of the details I can't seem to eradicate from my mind I can focus...........
Always loving the woman who showed me beautiful.
I'll miss you more then words could ever paint.
Breathing. I am. I will.
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7/10/08 7:15 PM
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