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Letter Two...Death
Dearest Shelby and Kaitlyn,
I have an entire laundry list of words (idea's) I have written down with the express purpose of writing to you about each one. Somewhere down that line I had written the word Death. It was one of those, not pleasant, but I'll get to it topics, but since I have been curled up in the lap of such a fact since May 5th, I've decided it's earned the right to move up the list.
First and Foremost, a little personal wisdom about being a witness to someone else's passing away, because someday you will be given this chance and choice. Perhaps with my death, one of your Grandparents, a friend, a husband........
You have a choice when you walk into a room and someone is taking their last breaths. If you stay, you choose to be a voice they may or may not hear, a comfort they may or may not feel and a piece of their last moments on this earth. It's a precious chance, to be with someone who has walked this world during their last heart beats, one you can look back on and know you were with someone so they weren't alone during such a time........
.....but with that choice, that precious once in a lifetime moment, you also have to accept the possible burden of those last images, the rattle in ones chest, the body jerks and shakes, what resembles suffering, their eyes open and vacant. There won't be a magical moment, a divine sense of leaving, a spark in the air. The air around you simply becomes a painful void. You have to realize you'll be a witness to the quick effects a body goes through once they are gone, coldness and color changes and a silence that can haunt ones mind. Don't stay long my daughters, nothing in the room changes..........
I tell you this, because no one ever told me. I suppose it's the sort of thing that no one wants to think about or recant after the fact, but you know my philosophy.~ Fact is truth is understanding is knowledge is knowing is prepared is to make ones choice ~ I would like to believe that in time the images of her suffering and passing will pass and I will be left with the simple knowing, that I was part of something important. If given the choice again, I would do exactly as I did with your Great Grandmother Mary. I would stay in the room again and again.
I am not afraid to die my darlings, never have been. Why fear something that remains a universal fact? We all must die, truth. But thisI know for certain, I know I'll remain long after I have taken my last space of air. I am not referring to any sense of heaven, or afterlife, I entertain zero notions of a welcoming God or blazing hells, but I will remain nonetheless.
One minute ago is now my memory, and life is a string of memories. I would remain as long as I am remembered. I would remain as long as my writings survive the test of time. I would remain as long as my keepsakes and photographs passed through my future generations. The very existence of this letter to you, ensures my remaining, and that's comfort enough for me.
The focus in life shouldn't be to dodge the inevitable, but to embrace the opportunity of right now. Writing this letter is embracing opportunity, right now. Hugging and telling you both I loved you before you went to school this morning is embracing every moment. Life is divine and I would never presume to know what might happen tomorrow.
When someone you know passes on, honor them through memories. During this last week, memories are what brought smiles to all of our faces, laughter to a room of people who felt a deep sense of loss. Memories reminded everyone that the intricate connections people weave between themselves is what remains, even when someone passes on.
Weave my darlings, weave yourself into many loves, family, friends, children, and life itself. If you do that, you will remain, and never fear leaving. And although you will lose those you love, you'll always have that threaded connection.
Weave and you're sadness will hold hands with smiles. Weave and your loss will embrace laughter through memories. Weave yourself into life and when you pass, when I pass, we will remain.
I love you both......
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It takes a strong person to be able to do that!
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Oh Rebecca... ((((R))) I'm at first inclined to say I'm sorry for your loss...except that...you have such an incredible (and eloquent as ever) handle on so many aspects of life. What an incredibly rich woman you are...very lucky girlies there, I'm certain. We seem to be very similar, you and I...;) C.
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Beautiful and honest. - Barbara
http://journals.aol.com/bhbner2him/LifeFaithinCaneyhead/ -
Rebecca this was very beautiful, hard to do but eloquent. I am so sorry for your loss, my Grandmother meant a lot to me too. You are so totally right about carrying our memories forward through the years. I think thats why I like doing ancestry research so much, it puts flesh on the old bones and bring my past relatives to life for me and future readers. The best that we can get or give in this world is to know that we have been truly loved...that's all there is....love, Sandi
9/1/08 8:25 AM