June's Journey

7:42:57 AM EDT
Feeling Quiet

I hope you all are enjoying the Spring days.

I have not been writing due to my loss of

vision. I have a cataract in both eyes and

it makes it very hard to read and write.

Hope you all are doing well....I'm doing the

best that I can. Could use your prayers for

my first cataract surgery which will be May

6th. It's been kind of rough on me emotionally.

I went recently for what they called my

evaluation before the surgery. They DID NOT

tell me I would need someone else to drive me.

So there I was after they had given me so

many eye drops I was nearly blind...and they

had to measure my eye balls at the very end

which meant even more eye drops for the pain.

I ended up alone....blinded...couldn't find my

car. I sat four nearly four hours crying and

alone in a world of foggy...blurry...lost vision.

I will never forget that day. I will write again

when I am able.

Until nexttime.

 

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11:32:23 AM EDT
Feeling Quiet

Wishing you all a very Happy Easter!

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12:30:58 PM EDT
Feeling Chillin'

Just stopping by to say Hello:)

I've been busy watching Boston Legal DVD's

from my baby sis...she has me hooked now..LOL.

I've also been watching the Big Brother Season

on CBS and Online. I quit smoking on March 8th

so we shall see how that goes...going good so

far. Thank you Guido for the J-Land Group

emails...another wonderful way to get to know

some new J-Landers and stay in touch with

some old friends. I will be back when I have

something more to say.

Until next time.

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9:33:43 AM EST
Feeling Happy

Ok I know I'm a little late in doing this....my

apologies. I was very happy and surprised

when I received the Nice Matters Award...

and to now I have the privilege of passing

it on to 5 people.

First one goes to Guido....Northern Trip. Guido never forgets me not matter how bad

my blog is for that day. It could be a real Debbie Downer and he always finds something

positive to say to me to life my spirits. His Journal is a wealth of knowledge and I have

learned so much from reading it...and he has the most awesome pictures too. If you've

never been to his journal you must check it out.

Second one goes to Dana...Journey to Success...Dana loves to show pictures of

her family which I enjoy very much. She is also very inspiring to me. Pictures are

her thing...you will see some pictures on there that you have never seen before....

guaranteed. Her journal started out about her struggle with weight loss

(which I can so relate to) and ended up being just writing about her life

experiences. If you haven't seen her journal you must stop by and check it out.

Third one goes to Val....There is a Season...where she writes about what's going on

in her life. And will tell you about her beautiful grandchildren. She has been a great

support to me through everything that I've been through she is always there to inspire

me. I've also seen her inspire others through her journal. She is a total sweetheart and

although she lives through many struggles as well...she always makes time for other

people. She is a great support to many here in J-Land. If you haven't seen her journal

you must check it out. She isn't always able to write...because like myself she struggles

with good and bad days. I only hope that I can someday be there for her as she has

been there for me.

Forth award goes to Sybil...for her journal also named Sybil ...her writing is so uplifting

and inspiring and she does more in one day then I would get done in a month.

She is so cheerful and shares such wonderful stories of her adventures with her friends

and her church. She makes you laugh so hard sometimes...it's very healthy to laugh and

you sure can get a dose of it by reading her journal. Her descriptions of her journeys

make me feel like I'm right there with her. She tends to see the positive in everything

that happens...and to me that's very refreshing. She ends each of her entries with the

words...Love One Another...which is some good advice for sure. If you haven't stopped

by her journal it is definitely a must read.

 

And last but not least is Pam....Times of my life, one nurses story. Pam is one of those

down to earth people who are very genuine. Her journal is full of all kinds of adventures

as she works as a nurse at Disney Land. I so enjoy reading her entries. And she doesn't

mind telling you exactly what's on her mind....I like that. She talks about her son and her

best friend Joey who has had such a battle with cancer but is in remission now...YAY!

And I love the ghost stories that she has told...it is veryinteresting to me. But most of all

she is kind and thoughtful. She is another one who will leave a comment on my blog that

will inspire me and make me feel better about things. She writes of her daily life the good

days and the bad...and I can relate to them so very well. She is one of those people I

look forward to reading. If you haven't checked out her journal you must do so soon.

So that's it...those are my picks. And I appreciate the opportunity to be able to give

some recognition to those who are so deserving.

Until next time.

 

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11:18:56 AM EST
Feeling Happy

Hello Friends...I'm having a good day today.

I hope you all are having a good day as well.

Just finished my last cup of coffee and

thought why not pay a visit to journal land.

First off I want to thank you all for being

so understanding during the times I am not

able to journal. You guys are the best....

very supportive and you all inspire me with

the journals that you write.

 

Last night I went out with my baby sis....

and my brother in law. We had a good time.

First we ate at the Camp Hill Diner...I

had a Ham and Swiss Club Sandwich with

chips and cole slaw...it was very good.

My brother in law had something Greek

that I can't pronounce let alone spell...LOL.

My sister only had a bowl of Chicken Noodle

soup. Then we went to see a movie called

"Definitely, Maybe"...it was a great movie.

 

After the movie was over my baby sis

always checks out the  gum ball machines.

They have one that has Care Bear figurines

in it...and if she gets one that she already has

she gives it to me. I got one last night with

a sunshine on it's belly...it's so cute. I now

have three of them that I put by my

computer. My baby sis is a child at heart just

like me:) I really enjoy when we are able to

get together. She also brought me some DVD's

of the show Boston Legal so I can watch them

...she loves that show.

 

It's a beautiful sunny day out today. And as I

said I'm feeling good....today is a very good

day. Probably because I got to be with my Sis

last night. The snow on the ground has melted

although I think they are calling for more this

week. I'm enjoying watching Big Brother 9 on

TV and also on the Internet. I am also enjoying

movies that I'm getting from NetFlix. I started

getting movies from them instead of getting my

cable back. I've decided all I really wanted was

to sit down every once in a while and enjoy

something on TV...so I thought why not a good

movie. They have a large selection to pick from.

They even have the classics....most of which

I've never seen before. So they will be all new

to me. I just got my niece Maya's school

picture..and boy is she beautiful...I wish I had

a scanner so I could show it to you all. Also

Maya wrote her first email..and guess who she

wrote it to? ME! I was so happy and surprised.

Maya is 9 years old for those of you who don't

know. I also have another niece named Eleni

who is I think about 2 years old...and nephew

Damien who is 5 years old..and another niece

Isabella who is about 5 months old.

Maya on her 9th Birthday

Damien with his Uncle A.D.

Eleni caught in the cake...LOL.

And last but not least...Isabella

Well I hope that you all make it a wonderful

day...I am enjoying every minute of it.

Until next time.

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4:03:56 PM EST
Feeling Quiet

Just finished my last cup of coffee....sitting

here listening to the snow melting off of my

roof....or maybe it's raining...I can't really tell.

Another quiet day...with only cars passing by to

interrupt the quiet. Wishing there wasn't snow

on the ground...and on my car...so I could pick

up my laundry from the wash and fold at the

laundry matt. Last time I tried to do laundry I

was in so much pain...I knew it was the last time

I could even try to attempt it. Degenerative

Disc Disease they call it...I call it pain. Pain

that stops me from being able to enjoy the

things I used to do. Go places I used to go.

Doing simple things like washing the dishes...

all have to endure the pain. I'm tired of living

in pain...both emotional and physical...but we

don't get to choose our lives...or what becomes

of them.

 

Big Brother 9 is here...it started last night on

CBS. I usually have to wait until July...it was

quite a pleasant surprise to see them put

another show on in February. I like watching it.

Putting people from all over the states together

in a house with no TV...no News from the

outside world...they are forced to talk to each

other and work together....there's something

about that that I like. Watching human nature

unfold. Locked in a house with people you

normally would not pick to be your friends...

and learning that they are just like you.

Love...Respect....Acceptance...it's what all

human's want. I think when I watch this

"TV SHOW" I see it very differently then

others do. I even watch the Internet live

feeds that run 24/7 online...so I really get

to know each person on the show.

 

I wish I could afford to buy my family

Valentine's Day gifts...ones that would be

worthy and show them all how much I love

each one of them. All I have are words....

maybe actions. I was looking forward to

meeting up with my baby sis this week...

but the snow has once again ruined our

plans. It's supposed to be sunny tomorrow and

then....more snow :( 

I forget when...maybe about two weeks ago...

me and my two sister's went to see

"The Bucket List"...it was a very good movie.

Then all of a sudden on my way home from

the movie I cried uncontrollably...thinking

how little time I may have with my baby sis.

Irrational thinking again.

I hope you all have a wonderful Valentine's

Day...to be spent with the one's you love.

Until next time.

 

 

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11:17:00 AM EST
Feeling Chillin'

I've never thought about putting my life

into words before...like trying to describe

what my life is like to someone else. So I

thought I would give it a try today. Sometimes

I have a good day. But it seems that they are

few....or maybe I'm just a pessimist...I don't

know. But on my good days I can play music...

and I sing to the music...sometimes even try

to dance to the music....now that is a sight to

see...LOL. I can read a good book....I can watch

a good movie...or just something on TV and feel

very entertained. I talk to myself...I laugh at

myself. Or I write down a happy poem or

anything that comes to mind. I can look outside

and enjoy just sitting there watching a bird do

it's thing. I can go to the store and smile and

start a conversation with a total stranger. I can

feel very confident in myself as well. I can sit

here and write in my journal to you...and go to

your journal and read every word...which I

enjoy doing very much. I can read about your

day...where you went....what you did...or

something funny that happened to you...and I

can sit here and laugh with you about it.

 

And then there are my blah days. I'm not

feeling bad....there isn't anything really

bothering me...but I have no...and I mean

NO...motivation to do anything. I don't feel

like reading...cleaning....writing....I just kind of

sit there or lay there and do nothing. Every

part of my being inside is screaming....do this

...do that. You need to take out the trash...you

should try to finish that book...wouldn't it be

cool to move the TV over there and put that

chair over here...my mind is screaming to do it..

but I feel paralyzed and then overwhelmed and

I just sit there....or lay there. It's all so very

frustrating. I don't watch TV...I don't do

anything...but it's all racing in my mind...the

things I want to do...the things I need to do.

It's so very annoying to have all these thoughts

and not to be able to do them. So the hours

pass by in silence and I think...another day

wasted in blah land. On these days if I do

actually get up and go take out the trash....I

actually congratulate myself...I say good job

June! Isn't that pathetic? But to me it was a

really big deal to actually do something that I

wanted to. Or that I needed to. I don't get a

shower on these days either. (Can you say

GROSS!!!) Or if I do manage to get a shower...

again...it's YAY June!!!! You did it!!!!! Oh God

it's embarrassing to even write about this.

Ok and then it's onto my bad days. These can

be due to a combination of things or just one

thing. It can be due to anxiety...where I will sit

and have every bad thought go through my

mind. Anything at all...and it's all irrational.

My shoe is going to have a mouse in it when I

go to put it on. There is a snake in my toilet I

need to remember to look before I sit down....

it can happen you know. I'm going to lose my

disability and have to go out tomorrow and find

a job right away. That's a big one for me...

not feeling secure. Wishing I could win the

lottery so I don't have to be afraid anymore.

But do I play the lottery....NOOOOOO.

My sister after she is murdered I can see it

clear as day...and I sit there and start to sob

uncontrollably. The landlord is going to sell this

house and I'm going to be out on the streets

tomorrow. There is a squirrel in my apartment

...omg a squirrel...who do I call to help me with

this? My car is not going to pass inspection

next year...(this one is a reality for me). How

will I get my meds? How will I go to my

Psychiatrist? How will I go to my therapist?

How will I get food in my house? What if I

have a craving for something and I can't go

out and get it? All of these thoughts race

through my mind at once...and I sit and cry

until I'm so worked up my chest gets tight.

I can hardly breathe. It's time to take a

Klonopin. After the Klonopin takes effect...I

can breathe again...my chest isn't tight...I am

more in control of my thoughts. The

irrational thoughts are still there but they

have slowed down and I can tell that they

are just that....irrational. Other bad days that

I have are just pure fear. On these days I

lay in bed with my covers pulled up as far as

they will go without covering my head. I'm

afraid of everything. I'm afraid of the loud

truck out front...was does it mean?....who's

here? What do they want? Why can't they

just go away? I also get very irritable...every

sound goes right through me. There is fear in

everything around me. I feel like I'm safe in

bed...that no one can hurt me in my bed...but...

one can't be to sure. Another bad day for me

is when I'm sad..and I feel so empty inside.

I can't bare how lonely I feel. I want to talk

to someone....anyone....but I have pushed all

my friends away years ago. I cry for how lonely

I am. I feel like someone has just left me.

Like there has been a death of someone

important to me. The hole in my heart is so

huge....and nothing can fill that hole. I wish

I could just go to sleep forever. And then

there is the bad day when something actually

goes wrong. A pipe breaks in my apartment...

I have a mouse in my apartment...My car isn't

working...My front door won't lock. When

these things happen I magnify them by

10,000. Oh My God!!!!!!! It's the end of the

world...it will never be the same again. Life as

I know it is over. So on these bad days I

don't write in my journal....I don't read your

journal....I don't DO anything! But...as long as

there are still good days I shall continue on.

I look forward to the good days...I actually

cherish them when they happen. I say out loud..

WOW...this is going to be a great day!!!!!

Until next time.

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9:23:43 AM EST
Feeling Quiet

Walking away from the dead feelings inside

walking away no more places to hide

Walking away from the hurt and the pain

leaving it behind like a cold winters rain

Leaving the past just where it should be

none of the hurt shall be following me

Instead I embrace all the love in my life

and left behind me all the worry and strife

Up ahead in the distance awaits my new day

where I choose my new roads where I go

and where I stay

Or maybe I will take the path still unknown

and find my new world all on my own

a poem by June

  

 

 

 

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6:54:37 PM EST
Feeling Mischievous

I ain't afraid of no Ghost....um.....yes I am!

Ok I love watching Ghost stories....Ghost

Hunters is one of my favorite shows.

I'm planning on paying the cable company

what I owe them next month so they will

turn my cable back on. Why? So I can see

Ghost Hunters again...LOL. And now on A&E

they have a new show called Paranormal State...

where these Penn State student's go out to

hauntings...they go to school in State College

which is where John http://journals.aol.com/johneknox/too-stubborn-to-die/ 

and Krissy http://journals.aol.com/fisherkristina/SometimesIThink/

live. Cool huh. My sister recorded that show

for me and boy is it good. However all of this

being said...if I were to encounter a Ghost.....

brrrrrrrr....I would be so out of there.....LOL.

This one time years ago I had a close friend

named Beany (Ok her real name was Carla)

but to her friends she was Beany. She lived

in a house with her daughter Heather who was

about 8 years old then. (Now she's married....

God I feel old) Beany had always told me that

there was a male ghost that hung out by her

bedroom closet....she thought it was male

because only females seemed to feel it's

presence. At the time her boyfriend John

was living with her at this house.....

and he said she's so full of it....I've never had

anything happen to me in there. So this one day

I was at work and not feeling well...I still lived

at home and I didn't want to go home to my

mother...so I called Beany and asked if I could

come over...and she said sure. Well I forget

why but when I got there she had a house full

of people(family) and my head was pounding....

so she said why don't you lay on my bed for a

while and I'll call you when dinner is ready.

So I went upstairs and crawled onto her bed...

glad to be away from all the noise downstairs.

All of a sudden I felt weird....I was laying on

my side and I could have sworn i heard

someone breathing...and along with that the

place on the bed where I laid my right hand

felt like it was going up and down with the

breathing. I said ok June your just feeling

weird because you've heard all of Beany's

stories. But the more I lay there the louder

the breathing and I swear when I looked my

hand was going up and down on the bed. I

jumped out of bed and ran downstairs to Beany.

She said what's wrong...I said you know what's

wrong...and she just laughed.

So was it my imagination?...or was it real?

To this day I really don't know. But I've

been over to her house many times after

that ....mostly house sitting when she went

away for a night or two...but I always slept

on the couch.

So I thought Ghosts were a good topic to write

about. Do any of you have any Ghost stories to

tell me? I know Pam http://journals.aol.com/lanurseprn/TimesofMyLifeOneNursesStory/

does...she had written about an experience in

her home...and also that of her friend Joey's.

So if any of you have any stories please feel

free to tell them in my comments section....

or email them to me with subject line "Ghost

Stories" to JVButterfly@Aol.Com. And since

I don't seem to get very many comments on

my journal maybe if any of you want to direct

any of "your readers" to email me their stories

I would love to hear from them. I know...this

would have been a good blog to do for

Halloween...oh well...maybe next year.

That's it for now.....Until next time.

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9:30:40 AM EST
Feeling Chillin'

Some of you have seen in my about me section

that I have what is called "Borderline

Personality Disorder"....and you wondered

when I would talk about that. That is why I

did my last entry on it. Some of you were

concerned...asking me if I'm ok. Yes...I'm ok.

My moods change very fast and my thoughts

even faster so it is hard to live with...but I'm

managing.

My sleep has been very strange lately. I went

to take a nap around 5:30pm last night because

I didn't sleep more then 3 hours the night

before. To my surprise I didn't wake up until

1:30am. So that was the start to my day. So I

put on some coffee...and had a cig (yes I

started smoking again...UGH) and played a few

games of solitaire. I can't always play

solitaire because of my rushing thoughts I

can't concentrate...but today was a good day.

It's the same if I watch TV or read a book...

some days I can and some days I can't. So it's

the same when it comes to reading your

journals...and I feel so very bad about that part

of it. Some days I can read every word on

each journal and I enjoy it so much...but lately

I've been in a slump and not able to do that.

I'm sorry I feel like my journal entries are so

limited and boring...but so goes my life....one

day runs into another..and I don't have much

to offer except what I'm thinking. I don't

have a busy life like you all do. That's one of

the reasons I love to read your journals...it's

like I live my life through your eyes.

Ok have any of you tried the Peanut Butter

M&Ms? Not the Reeses Pieces...but the

Peanut Butter M&M's. If you haven't....don't!

They are so very addictive I can't stop

eating them....LOL.

We are under a Winter Advisory today...I don't

know how much snow we will get. I actually was

going to try to get back to the Aurora Club

today...but with the threat of snow I decided

I better stay home. No sense getting into an

accident just to go there.

 

Ok so today I'm going to try to finish reading

my book...it's called "The Survivors" by

Dinah McCall. It's a very good book....one of

those page turners...but with my issues it's

taking me months to get through it. I hope I

can finish it today.....my mind so far seems to

be cooperating. I swear some days my meds

work very well and others they don't...maybe

it's a brain chemistry thing...I don't know.

Anyway I want to thank the few of you who do

keep reading me...even though it's probably not

what your used to. I do appreciate the effort.

Who knows maybe one of these days I will

actually go out and do something that I can

write about....LOL. Actually I did go get some

groceries in yesterday...because I knew the

snow was coming. And there were those damn

M&M's....LOL. They are soooooo good. Well I

guess that's it.

Until next time.

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