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11:17:00 AM EST
Feeling Chillin'
My Life
I've never thought about putting my life
into words before...like trying to describe
what my life is like to someone else. So I
thought I would give it a try today. Sometimes
I have a good day. But it seems that they are
few....or maybe I'm just a pessimist...I don't
know. But on my good days I can play music...
and I sing to the music...sometimes even try
to dance to the music....now that is a sight to
see...LOL. I can read a good book....I can watch
a good movie...or just something on TV and feel
very entertained. I talk to myself...I laugh at
myself. Or I write down a happy poem or
anything that comes to mind. I can look outside
and enjoy just sitting there watching a bird do
it's thing. I can go to the store and smile and
start a conversation with a total stranger. I can
feel very confident in myself as well. I can sit
here and write in my journal to you...and go to
your journal and read every word...which I
enjoy doing very much. I can read about your
day...where you went....what you did...or
something funny that happened to you...and I
can sit here and laugh with you about it.
And then there are my blah days. I'm not
feeling bad....there isn't anything really
bothering me...but I have no...and I mean
NO...motivation to do anything. I don't feel
like reading...cleaning....writing....I just kind of
sit there or lay there and do nothing. Every
part of my being inside is screaming....do this
...do that. You need to take out the trash...you
should try to finish that book...wouldn't it be
cool to move the TV over there and put that
chair over here...my mind is screaming to do it..
but I feel paralyzed and then overwhelmed and
I just sit there....or lay there. It's all so very
frustrating. I don't watch TV...I don't do
anything...but it's all racing in my mind...the
things I want to do...the things I need to do.
It's so very annoying to have all these thoughts
and not to be able to do them. So the hours
pass by in silence and I think...another day
wasted in blah land. On these days if I do
actually get up and go take out the trash....I
actually congratulate myself...I say good job
June! Isn't that pathetic? But to me it was a
really big deal to actually do something that I
wanted to. Or that I needed to. I don't get a
shower on these days either. (Can you say
GROSS!!!) Or if I do manage to get a shower...
again...it's YAY June!!!! You did it!!!!! Oh God
it's embarrassing to even write about this.
Ok and then it's onto my bad days. These can
be due to a combination of things or just one
thing. It can be due to anxiety...where I will sit
and have every bad thought go through my
mind. Anything at all...and it's all irrational.
My shoe is going to have a mouse in it when I
go to put it on. There is a snake in my toilet I
need to remember to look before I sit down....
it can happen you know. I'm going to lose my
disability and have to go out tomorrow and find
a job right away. That's a big one for me...
not feeling secure. Wishing I could win the
lottery so I don't have to be afraid anymore.
But do I play the lottery....NOOOOOO.
My sister after she is murdered I can see it
clear as day...and I sit there and start to sob
uncontrollably. The landlord is going to sell this
house and I'm going to be out on the streets
tomorrow. There is a squirrel in my apartment
...omg a squirrel...who do I call to help me with
this? My car is not going to pass inspection
next year...(this one is a reality for me). How
will I get my meds? How will I go to my
Psychiatrist? How will I go to my therapist?
How will I get food in my house? What if I
have a craving for something and I can't go
out and get it? All of these thoughts race
through my mind at once...and I sit and cry
until I'm so worked up my chest gets tight.
I can hardly breathe. It's time to take a
Klonopin. After the Klonopin takes effect...I
can breathe again...my chest isn't tight...I am
more in control of my thoughts. The
irrational thoughts are still there but they
have slowed down and I can tell that they
are just that....irrational. Other bad days that
I have are just pure fear. On these days I
lay in bed with my covers pulled up as far as
they will go without covering my head. I'm
afraid of everything. I'm afraid of the loud
truck out front...was does it mean?....who's
here? What do they want? Why can't they
just go away? I also get very irritable...every
sound goes right through me. There is fear in
everything around me. I feel like I'm safe in
bed...that no one can hurt me in my bed...but...
one can't be to sure. Another bad day for me
is when I'm sad..and I feel so empty inside.
I can't bare how lonely I feel. I want to talk
to someone....anyone....but I have pushed all
my friends away years ago. I cry for how lonely
I am. I feel like someone has just left me.
Like there has been a death of someone
important to me. The hole in my heart is so
huge....and nothing can fill that hole. I wish
I could just go to sleep forever. And then
there is the bad day when something actually
goes wrong. A pipe breaks in my apartment...
I have a mouse in my apartment...My car isn't
working...My front door won't lock. When
these things happen I magnify them by
10,000. Oh My God!!!!!!! It's the end of the
world...it will never be the same again. Life as
I know it is over. So on these bad days I
don't write in my journal....I don't read your
journal....I don't DO anything! But...as long as
there are still good days I shall continue on.
I look forward to the good days...I actually
cherish them when they happen. I say out loud..
WOW...this is going to be a great day!!!!!
Until next time.
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Those bad days are never easy, nor will they ever be.....Yet without them we wouldn't know to appreciate the wonderful good days when they come our way. Here's to wishing all the good, wonderful things in life for you each and every day. (Hugs) Indigo
http://journals.aol.com/rdautumnsage/ravens-lament/ -
I'm hoping that today is a good day!
Linda :) -
Hello June. This is the first time I have stopped by your journal to Congratulate you on receiving the Nice Matters award. I am so pleased I did! I am really rather speechless at reading about your everyday struggles. It's totally understandable that you congratulate yourself. Nothing pathetic in that at all. Also the shower thing? So what? Nothing gross there either. If you don't feel like that then who has the right to judge you at all? I know.... Nobody! You sound like an extraordinary woman with a very tough existance. I only hope all your "Good" days outnumber the rest. Please post as often as you can, as the people in J-Land are the best kind. They take good care of one another and will support you all the way. Take Care. Love Pam xx
http://journals.aol.co.uk/pamal3/almost-40/ -
It feels good to know that there is someone out there like me. I can relate to everything you just said.. The fear, the anxiety, irrational thoughts, depression.. You remind me of me. I learned to take take control of a lot of it though. It's a matter of redirecting your thinking. You have to FORCE yourself away from those thoughts. get up and take the trash out no matter how much you dread it. the more you do it, the easier it is to change those thoughts. You force it out a lot at first and then eventually it becomes easier. I went from medicines, to nothing but myself. I did more for me than any doctor could. Best of luck to you. -Missy
3/6/08 12:30 AM
kind regards
Katie