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Subject: Exhale
Time: 12:01:00 AM EDT
Author: kheadenmd
Mood: Quiet
Music: AOL My Music
Dying, death, and grief have always intrigued me.
As a child, no adult ever gave me a satisfactory explanation. So I have continued the search into adulthood through religion and spirituality, through books, through encounters with patients, and just through experiencing life. The closest I have come to any degree of satisfaction has probably been through my spiritual growth. I've lost a lot of faith in religion, but I believe spiritual enlightenment is the real key. Religion has failed so many times throughout history. Examples are burning of women thought to be witches, the imprisonment of Galileo for his belief that the world was not flat but round instead, support of the belief that black people were 3/5 human, the recent rejection of a 12 year old interracial child by a Baptist Church because the members didn't want the black side of his family attending the church, and the most profound religious act of the century of the World Trade Center disaster. Suicide bombing and practically all of the violence in the middle east is carried out in the name of a god. Face the fact, too much religion makes one socially incompatible or just downright crazy.
Spirituality can exist outside the context of a religion. Spirituality celebrates the principle of Free Will and the reality that love and enough time will triumph eternally and violence begets more violence and a perpetuation of fear, anger, hatred, and despair. Actually this is the core of Christianity but I find that true Christianity is rarely practiced on a large scale. As a species, an eye for an eye endures as an intricate part of human instinct. Though the potential for evolving beyond this Old Testament philosophy exists in the vast majority of man, it seems increasingly obvious that such a state of existence will never come to pass for mankind on the planet earth. A fellow blogger gave me a more realistic view by stating his goal as trying to change the world one individual at a time. This of course must begin with oneself. Being a better parent, a better spouse, a better child, a better friend in just a single individual does indeed make the world a small degree better. I know I'm not the first person to entertain such thoughts. These thoughts in one way or another reach back to the origin of recorded history. The United States has such potential. I hope we don't blow it.
I just happened to be in a spirited mood today and felt like recording some of my thoughts for future reflection, mainly. I spent much of the afternoon with my 89 year old father which turned out to be a bitter-sweet experience. I had to help him do something about a will. I watched him battle a severe depression with sometimes psychotic features for the past few years. Finally, he was able to get to UNC Hospitals last winter where I could have some influence over him getting proper psychiatric treatment. He received a diagnosis of cancer but at least was finally able to get some relief from the depression.
I feel so resentful toward the health care system in this country sometimes that I want to explode. I've written before about having to treat people that aren't really interested in the proper treatment. I often think of the wasted time and money. The real winners turn out to be the managed care companies and the pharmaceutical companies. The government sold the public an expensive lemon with Part D Medicare and its $2500 cap. With a single medication priced at 3 or 4 hundred dollars, that 25 hundred doesn't go too far. It took a while for me to figure out what the catch was. Now I see it is quite obvious.
I think of all the flack Hillary Clinton caught back in '93 for her health care reform proposition, then I look at this Medicare Part D. Maybe we are a nation of idiots. Managed care and Pharmaceutical companies are screwing the public the same way the oil companies are. Hillary has been villainized even before she announces running in 2008. All she wanted to do was make quality care available for all citizens. What is so bad or wrong with the people winning for once? Your Senators and Congressmen have Cadillac health care plans. They pay nothing. OK, I said I was through with politics several weeks back. It is just so hard to stand idly by when so much wrong goes on before my very eyes. I should just join the Republicans and pretend it's not really happening. Let's stay the course.
My intention with this entry was actually to write about my appreciation for having the opportunity to spend the time with my dad in a sound state of mind. There was a time when I didn't know if that would ever happen. I'm aware of his longstanding fear and sensitivity in regards to death. Today I listened to him talk a little about the inevitable. He said that he was old and feeble and wouldn't be here much longer. I wanted to say to him that wasn't so but deep down I realized that I needed to let him say what he felt and believed. I have grown to appreciate that death is natural and there is nothing wrong with it, but it is always different when it hits home. I decided to just try and savor the moments.
I helped him communicate difficult matters to the attorney who had known him for years. I listened to him speak of the hurt and disappointment he felt toward his oldest living son who has self destructed and will likely never be seen again. I took him by a nostalgic bar-b-que pit that is still in business after more than 50 years. He spoke of stopping there on his way home from Barbers college back in the 50s and how enjoyable the food had been. I recalled a time when I was 7 years old and he had been the one taking me by there. Today. I wanted to pay but they didn't accept credit cards and I had no cash. When I stopped to get soft drinks on the way home lightening had temporarily knocked out the credit card apparatus. I interpreted this spiritually to mean that God intended to keep this as simple as possible, as God often does by allowing me to feel a degree of humility when I need it.
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My father passed away in 1989, he was beat up by alcohol, my mother passed away in 1999, she was beat up by pain killers, both were sudden deaths, and I really dont remember the grief now, but I went through that emotion, but last year when my wife passed, it hit me hard, grief is such a powerful emotion, still sad. I was changing the water pump in my car last week, and when I got to the part where I had to put the belt back on, my wife wasnt around to hold the tension pulley back for me like she did so many times before and I broke down crying, Denise didnt know nothing about cars, but she was the best mechanic's helper there was, as long as she didnt break a finger nail.
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I liked this entry...got to see a little bit of you, not necessarily the doctor. :)
I understand your frustration with the state of healthcare in this country, or lack of it. I've been on both sides, and it's not optimal on either side. I have Part D now. Up until it appeared, my meds were approximately #602.00/month. Now they are $67. My plan is a bit more expensive, at $68 for the pharmacy card, but there's no donut hole, and I've had no problems. If you'd like further info for your patients, feel free to email me and I'll tell ya' all about it.
Although I am grateful for the difference, I feel like it was just another way for the Government and BIG Business (Ins/Pharm Cos) to line up and open their pockets to be filled with money most can scarcely afford.
Sorry about the rant. I'm glad you spent some time with your father. I'd give anything for 5 minutes with mine again, he passed 5 years ago in July. I ,iss him
Have a good weekend.
Andi
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Love this entry so reflective of Life and its parts your humbleness is most appreciated hugz to you & your father~kbear
9/25/06 4:20 PM
I found this interesting web page and ordered their DVD
http://www.journeysproject.co
Check it out.
Lily