Fate and Action

So this is how things spiral out of control in my life...

One day when the phone rang Hubble made an off-handed comment about telling my boyfriend to stop calling. I brushed it off as no big deal. A few days later he made another comment. A few days later he questioned me about the names on my buddy list. Still later, he questioned me about some Internet searches on my laptop. Then Hubble told me that he doesn't find me as desirable because I'm now a mom.

So I asked Hubble if he was having an affair. Afterall, it sure felt like he was up to something since he was suddenly so interested in my activities. He denied an affair. Regardless, I began a minor investigation into his activities, and discovered nothing.

Today while I was at the grocery store, Hubble searched my laptop and read my email. He said that my questioning of him about having an affair and subsequent investigation must be projection on my part based on guilt about something I'm doing.

Hubble did find an email to a male friend of mine, however, and has decided to use it as proof that I'm a "whore" and "slut" and am definitely having an affair or am looking for a new man. Needless to say, neither is true, but because of what happened last year, my word isn't good enough, I'm a proven liar, and subsequently he has again decided that he shouldn't be married to me, and has stopped wearing his wedding ring. He said he doesn't feel married.

I told him I'd had it and was leaving him, so he brought me a couple of suitcases and said good riddance. I called his mom, and she told me to come stay with her for a couple of weeks. See, Hubble wants a "normal housewife" - whatever that is. I've told him for four years that I have no plans to be a housewife, normal or otherwise. Likewise, he's told me for four years that he'll never be a family man. Cleary we have incompatable expectations.

His mom said it's because he grew up with her doing everything around the house and for the family, despite working full-time. I know that's why he thinks Ishould get more done during the day instead of "sitting on my ass." Personally, I think the house (at least the upstairs) looks pretty darn good. Not perfect, by any means, but not disgusting. In other words, I wouldn't feel ashamed if people showed up unannounced.

His mom also thinks that maybe I focus too much on the baby because Hubble's not meeting my emotional needs, and that maybe I need to pay more attention to being wife and less attention to being mother, afterall, she says, the marriage is the primary relationship. Perhaps that is partially true, but right now, at 7 weeks old, my baby is completely dependent on me for everything. Hubble is not. I've talked with Hubble about making time for just the two of us, but he's not interested. This is likely due to the fact that right now he just wants to get as far away from me as possible. It's strange because one day he'll tell me he's happier than he's ever been, and the next, he's miserable. I can't keep up.

Hubble thinks I'm wrong for writing all of this here. I actually signed on to delete this journal. I may create one where I can post cute pics of the baby, talk about baby stuff, etc. I still write in my regular journal about all the stuff I can't put in here. Hubble will use the fact that I'm writing here instead of cleaning the house as ammunition later. He thinks he can dictate how I spend my time. I told him that if I need to account for my activities during the day, then he can do the same. He said no way because he works 40 hours a week. I said I work 24/7, but he said that taking care of a baby isn't really work because the baby sleeps so much. Anyway, if the journal suddenly is gone, this is why.

Benjamin is actually sleeping for the first time all afternoon. He slept while we were at the grocery store, but otherwise, he's been feeding or fussing all day. He's been so fussy the past couple of days. Even though it's way early, I think he may be teething. Uh oh, he's waking up! Must be time to eat!

kiskar at 6:13:24 PM CST Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 3 comments: Show Recent | Add your own

kiskar at 10:06:28 PM CST Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 3 comments: Show Recent | Add your own

Today is Hubble's birthday! This picture was sent to me by his coworker. Awww... Apparently I bought him a floor jack or something. I dunno. It's in the garage somewhere. I asked him this morning what he wants to do this evening, but just like last year, he said, "Nothing." I guess that's his prerogative, but geez...

Happy Birthday!

(Yes, I'm older. )

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And just because Donna asked and it's cute - my little fly boy.

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My SIL and 10-month-old nephew came to visit from Texas this weekend. It was a great visit. She should visit more often. Hubble was on his best behavior. He was so helpful all weekend, and actually spent lots of time with us. Anyway, I'm such a kid sometimes, and was so excited about getting all the snow. All day on Friday I watched the sky, waiting for the snow. My SIL bought my nephew a snow suit for $4 on Ebay, as it was his first time seeing snow. We took some adorable pictures of him falling over in it. I'm posting a few pictures of the two of them together. My nephew kept trying to poke, sit on, roll on or steal the eyeballs from Benjamin. It was really pretty amusing. Benjamin didn't know what to make of it, so just sat there staring off into space. That's m'boy!

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...one step back. We've had so many BFing issues, but finally this week we succeeded in getting Benjamin off the shields and latching directly to me - every time! Yay! It's such a relief to not have to worry about the shields (which the dogs love to eat), pumping, finger feeding, etc. Unfortunately, he has a very shallow latch, a bad habit developed due to use of the shields. As such, the pain is excrutiating! I had the lactation consultant out to the house to work with us on Tuesday, but was calling her in tears a mere seven hours later. I went to a La Leche League meeting this morning, which was very nice, and am more certain than ever that I want to work through this latest obsticle. After all, we worked so hard for five weeks to get off the shield. Anyway, I have chills now, fatigue, and a mild fever, so I think I've developed mastitis on top of the ductal yeast infection I'm already battling. I wonder how many supplements a person can take. Oh well, it's all worth it. My baby is healthy and growing and loves his mama. I found this on my babycenter.com boards today and it almost brought me to tears:

Hi Mom, sorry that I have kept you up all week. I know you are tired and truth be known so am I, but I just felt I needed you. A lot is going on right now with me and I feel so much better when you pick me up, sing to me, rock me, and feed me. I know it doesnt seem like I could be hungry when I cry every 20 minutes and guess what....I'm not, but when you pull me close and try to feed me it feel so nice. I used to be with you all the time in your tummy and sometimes I feel cold and lonely and I just need to feel close to you again.

I am sorry that the book on helping me sleep didnt work but I dont feel ready yet, I promise when I am bigger I'll sleep better, maybe even through the night....then again I've heard about that whole potty thing and I bet that might keep me up too.You really are doing a great job mom. I love you.

Oh, and dont worry about your milk. It's great! I know at times I confuse you by not eating one day and then eating soooo much the next but its just my mood, sorry to confuse things. Im sure you know how I feel though, some days I am more hungry than the next but it only takes a day and your milk becomes exactly what I need. Cool hey? I know sometimes I eat a lot, but I'm growing right now, I know the books dont say I should be having a growth spurt right now, but I am not like all other kids, I am special....isn't that what you always tell me?

So please, please, pretty please dont get too upset with me. everything is just so overwhelming at times and I need you. You know what??? I have ears, I just found them. I know its only 3am but I wanted to tell you, I am so excited. I know I only woke you up 45 minutes ago to tell you my legs hurt but I am a growing kid and I think just seeing you makes me feel better. You are so pretty mom especially at this hour!

I'll make you a deal...if you can be patient with me when I wake up at night ( it'll only last a year or so, and I hear in the big picture a year isn't really that long) and hold me, hug me and feed me my favorite yummy milk, then I'll stop complaining about that stupid mobile you make me stare at for hours at a time.

P.S. I am not the only one waking people up...you keep on waking me up to put on that annoying snow suit. No one asked me if I wanted to go out in that crazy weather.

Your loving child, and again thanks for being so patient with me I love you sooo very much.

In other news, I left the baby alone with Hubble for the first time today. Benjamin slept the entire time - figures. It was my first time away from the baby since December 20, and lemme tell you, as much as I love being a mother and love my son, those two hours were really nice!

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I took Benjamin for his one-month checkup today. I was right - he's grown a lot! He now weighs 11lb, 4oz - a 52oz gain since his last appointment, which means he averaged 2oz weight gain per day and is now in the 90th% for weight. He's now 23 3/4 inches long, up from 22in. at his last appointment, which means he's still above the 95th%.  His doctor said he looks great and is doing awesome! Yay!

I've been tracking his feeding times and amounts/minutes per side since he was born to ensure he was eating enough, but given his weight gain, I'm feel comfortable giving up that chore. I spoke with my lactation consultant last week and agreed to stop tracking his diaper count, but told her I'd stop tracking his feeding after he saw the doc to make sure he'd gained enough. It's kinda weird not doing it, but I'm sure I'll notice if there is a problem.

Benjamin is already outgrowing his clothes - the footed ones are too short - and I had to move to size 1 diapers. I need to wash his 3-6mos clothes, but our washer (which is only a year old!) seems to be on the fritz. There is water all over the laundry room floor and the the Ob code being displayed. Hubble gave it a cursory once over, but will hopefully be able to fix it this evening. If not, I did buy the extended warranty so will need to call them out. Fortunately, I washed all his dirty clothes yesterday, so he's got enough for a couple of days. And worst case scenario, I can go over to our neighbors to wash them. If he'd stop leaking, I could make it a lot longer with the clothes he's got, but he seems to go through about 3-4 outfits per day! Heh.

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Benjamin is one month old today! He has started smiling, and is already outgrowing his clothes! The ones with feet in them are too short for him to straighten his legs all the way. His checkup is Monday, and I can't wait to find out how much he's grown. His cheeks are getting chubby too! I'd post a picture, but the media card doesn't fit in my computer, so I have to wait for Hubble to take the recent pics off the camera. His website has been updated with pics from Christmas though.

Speaking of Hubble, he has been so wonderful this week. Every evening he's been spending 1-2 hours with Benjamin so that I can have some time to myself.. without me even asking! He's been completing tasks around here, and responding well when I ask for updates on where things stand. I need to remember that his first response is always defensive, but that usually he'll actively respond to my requests - he just won't acknowledge that he's doing it. You'd think I'd remember that after 4 years. So it's nice to have some help with the baby and to have some time to myself in the evenings. Benjamin hasn't been sleeping very much at all and when he's not sleeping, he wants to nurse, so those couple of hours are wonderful.

My SIL and nephew are coming for a visit in a few weeks. I'm really looking forward to their visit. My nephew is 9 months old - I've posted pics of him before. It will be nice to have some company for a few days. My friend O is supposed to come by today, but I haven't heard from her yet. I haven't seen her in quite a while, so I hope she comes. I went to that New Moms Support Group on Tuesday. It was nice to meet some other moms. Of the four who were there, three of us were social workers. How funny is that? Benjamin was the youngest baby there, so it was nice to hear from those with a few more months experience.

kiskar at 1:27:01 PM CST Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 3 comments: Show Recent | Add your own

Wow, I just realized this journal is a year old today. Interesting that so much has changed, yet so much is the same.

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