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No one is having an affair...
So this is how things spiral out of control in my life...
One day when the phone rang Hubble made an off-handed comment about telling my boyfriend to stop calling. I brushed it off as no big deal. A few days later he made another comment. A few days later he questioned me about the names on my buddy list. Still later, he questioned me about some Internet searches on my laptop. Then Hubble told me that he doesn't find me as desirable because I'm now a mom.
So I asked Hubble if he was having an affair. Afterall, it sure felt like he was up to something since he was suddenly so interested in my activities. He denied an affair. Regardless, I began a minor investigation into his activities, and discovered nothing.
Today while I was at the grocery store, Hubble searched my laptop and read my email. He said that my questioning of him about having an affair and subsequent investigation must be projection on my part based on guilt about something I'm doing.
Hubble did find an email to a male friend of mine, however, and has decided to use it as proof that I'm a "whore" and "slut" and am definitely having an affair or am looking for a new man. Needless to say, neither is true, but because of what happened last year, my word isn't good enough, I'm a proven liar, and subsequently he has again decided that he shouldn't be married to me, and has stopped wearing his wedding ring. He said he doesn't feel married.
I told him I'd had it and was leaving him, so he brought me a couple of suitcases and said good riddance. I called his mom, and she told me to come stay with her for a couple of weeks. See, Hubble wants a "normal housewife" - whatever that is. I've told him for four years that I have no plans to be a housewife, normal or otherwise. Likewise, he's told me for four years that he'll never be a family man. Cleary we have incompatable expectations.
His mom said it's because he grew up with her doing everything around the house and for the family, despite working full-time. I know that's why he thinks Ishould get more done during the day instead of "sitting on my ass." Personally, I think the house (at least the upstairs) looks pretty darn good. Not perfect, by any means, but not disgusting. In other words, I wouldn't feel ashamed if people showed up unannounced.
His mom also thinks that maybe I focus too much on the baby because Hubble's not meeting my emotional needs, and that maybe I need to pay more attention to being wife and less attention to being mother, afterall, she says, the marriage is the primary relationship. Perhaps that is partially true, but right now, at 7 weeks old, my baby is completely dependent on me for everything. Hubble is not. I've talked with Hubble about making time for just the two of us, but he's not interested. This is likely due to the fact that right now he just wants to get as far away from me as possible. It's strange because one day he'll tell me he's happier than he's ever been, and the next, he's miserable. I can't keep up.
Hubble thinks I'm wrong for writing all of this here. I actually signed on to delete this journal. I may create one where I can post cute pics of the baby, talk about baby stuff, etc. I still write in my regular journal about all the stuff I can't put in here. Hubble will use the fact that I'm writing here instead of cleaning the house as ammunition later. He thinks he can dictate how I spend my time. I told him that if I need to account for my activities during the day, then he can do the same. He said no way because he works 40 hours a week. I said I work 24/7, but he said that taking care of a baby isn't really work because the baby sleeps so much. Anyway, if the journal suddenly is gone, this is why.
Benjamin is actually sleeping for the first time all afternoon. He slept while we were at the grocery store, but otherwise, he's been feeding or fussing all day. He's been so fussy the past couple of days. Even though it's way early, I think he may be teething. Uh oh, he's waking up! Must be time to eat!
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I don't think you should stay in a relationship when the spouse berates you with nasty names and accusations. I used to think all relationships were worth fighting for, but why be married to someone who makes you truly miserable. My advice? RUN!
~~Kath~~ -
:-( I don't know what to say. Well, I do, but I don't want to make you feel like the marriage is hopeless. I just think that the relationship that you and your husband have is extremely unhealthy...not like you didn't know that, right? Not only is it unhealthy for you...but for your son, as well. All of this affects him in a very direct way. His emotional health could be in jeopardy. I only this because my husband and I were having a hard time with stuff too. We're ok now, and working very hard on things. But, it's not just about your life anymore..it's about your child's too.
And, you can tell your husband that there was a study done that shows that being a stay at home mom is the equivalent of working TWO FULL TIME JOBS. Don't you dare let him feel like you are lazy and like you put too much emphasis on your child. Is he even interested in being a husband and father? It doesn't sound like it.
I really hope that things work out for you...whether that means. Just please hang in there. It sounds to me like Hubble wants out. He keeps concocting reasons...maybe you should give him what he wants. You might be better off.
Micheyle
http://journals.aol.com/mommysquiettime/RedFlannelPajamas
1/30/05 9:02 PM
Serious continued counseling may be your only option right now. Hubble, I hope you are reading this. I know you have a side to this story too but do you two want to make this work or not? The spewing of threats and insults is not productive. I am fairly certain you both share some responsibility in this.
I was a stay-at-home-mom to 3 children all the way thru most of their HS years. There is NO JOB more important than raising stable, loved, secure, well-adjusted children. Being involved, communication with them, loving them, and providing stability, is your primary job now...both of you. It would be nice if you can do it under the same roof.
It's time to address the real issues. K, I don't think your mothering skills are the real issue; or your computer pals; or your time management. I think it goes deeper and you two need to figure it out. Ben will be the one to pay in the end if you don't.
Your history is not my business but after reading your journal I have grown to care for all 3 of you oddly enough. I wonder, did you two think you could change each other? Did you ever love each other? Was Ben an accident? I don't expect answers but I just hope it will give you food for thought. I sincerely hope you can make this work but if not you need to find a healthy alternative. You must have know that having a child puts a strain on the healthiest of relationships. If I recall, you were having problems before Ben. Work on it or end it! My hopes and prayers are with you.
Okay, I am off my soapbox now. I hope you don't hate me now:/