Dead Investigations

     I am so sorry I have not been keeping up my responsibility to make you all giggle.  However, the entire power of my brain has been used to write a portion of a sniper textbook on camouflage (I will upload it sometime- even put my “Chia Cop” photo in the article).  

     I also have been in the country of Turkey.  My wife and I took some time off to go and visit some friends from our church who are missionaries there in the city of Diyarbikir.  I suppose that I could tell about some of the adventures on that trip, and share some photos. 

     The first night after we arrived, we took our friends out to their favorite restaurant.  The waiter in the photo is an ex-Hezbollah member, who became a Christian.  Obviously this has caused some problems with the Hezbolla homies, who came for him one Sunday while at church.  The pastor, a Turkish national and a really great guy, talked them out of blowing the place up, and letting their ex-member continue to attend and work at the restaurant. 

     The food was good; as soon as we sat down, the waiters started throwing plates of appetizers on the table, and of course I started eating them.  I ate something that seemed like a small, squishy lump of cold meat loaf with lots of curry; as soon as I finished it, my friend pointed to the dish and said "Don't eat that".  It seems that RAW lamb is a delicacy here. 

     My diet (in spite of the raw lamb) was killed here, as they have bread for breakfast, lunch, and dinner here.  And it is a very good bread, baked in these oblong, flat loaves that sort of resemble Big Foot print castings. 

    The next day was an adventure; I went into a Turkish bathroom (water closet) for the first time at a market, and I was not with my friend (who speaks Turkish).  I noticed something that looked like a long, community urinal, and stepped up.  Just as I was reaching for my zipper, someone came up to it, squatted down, and started washing in it.  It seems that this water closet was just outside a mosque and the trough was used for "ceremonial washing". 

     They probably would not have looked kindly upon the western infidel pissing in their holy washing place.  You might have read about the incident on the AP wire services....

krisndave83 at 9:28:00 PM PDT Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 18 comments: Show Recent | Add your own

I need my kid here to help me with this computer stuff.  He is working at Best Buy right now, that's right... the company that controls our access to the real cool stuff.  My kid tells everyone who he is selling stuff to, "Best Buy does not have commissioned sales staff."  This is to lure an unsuspecting customer into throwing down lots of money on a Wii, Ipod, Zun, digital toothbrushes or some sort of electronic dog-washer that you don't need.

Kind of reminds me of yesterday, I had a well-known financial institution (two names... you know them) manager and one of his secretaries come into the office.  He was reporting that $34,000.00 from some 92 year old woman's account had been withdrawn without the woman's permission.  The problem is, it had gone into a bank account with the secretaries name. 

The secretary insisted that she had her identity stolen, and the thief must have fraudulently opened an account in her name. Believable?  I don't know, but as you are all well aware, I see weird and crazy stuff all the time.  So- I told the secretary and manager that I would apply all my skills as an investigator to the matter and I would have them both back into my office soon with my findings. 

I then went to lunch, and as I returned, there were the secretary and manager.  It seems that after they left, the secretary (actually believing that I would do something before next week) made some "confessions" to the bank manager and promised to give all the money back.  After learning this from the manager, I told him I was prepare to arrest the secretary up right now for first degree theft/embezzlement.  He held his hand up and said, "I have spoken with my superiors in New York, I have been told by them that ______ ______ does not have any embezzlers."  I asked him what the status of the old woman's account, "Every penny has been put back by the company." 

Oh well, no charges, cleared case... all is well.  And if you were a client of _______ _______, your use fees just went up a fraction... but they DO NOT have embezzlers!

Oh ya, go back to the previous post and the link should work.

krisndave83 at 7:44:23 AM PST Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 13 comments: Show Recent | Add your own

Sgt L. Gave me a case the other day.  Had a note from him on it:  "Dave- I read this case and thought you should get it".  Great, that usually is a prelude to some case about Mrs. Stuffbudget's missing Shih Tzu or investigating the mayor's stolen lawn jockey. 

However, this was different... it was about a woman who called 911 reporting that she had been murdered.  It seems that 12-15 members of her family came into her apartment through the window and stabbed her to death.  However, she seemed to not need an ambulance and could not quite tell if she was still bleeding.  I have no idea how people come up with stuff like this; could be drugs, could be upbringing, could be mental illness, or it could just be that Al Gore was right and ozone-free skies are letting in too many cosmic rays. 

I've said it before and I'll say it again... some of this stuff seems so far fetched you think I'm making it up.  Well this time I have PROOF! 

Below is a link, copy the entire section and paste onto your taskbar; that will ask you to open a .wav file.  Windows Media Player or Quicktime should open and you can hear the call for yourself.. Sorry about the very poor quality, it is a bit frustrating to listen to... next time I'll try and have the cosmic ray overdosers call on a higher quality digital phone.

http://www.4shared.com/dir/1577961/ebdcf8b2/sharing.html

krisndave83 at 8:40:12 PM PST Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 8 comments: Show Recent | Add your own

It seems That Paul http://journals.aol.ca/plittle/AuroraWalkingVacation/ Picked me to be a "Guest Editor Pick".  I am flattered and humbled by the support and encouragement all of you have given me and my writing.  All of this from a guy who took "Drama" and "Science Fiction Club" in High School, because they met an English requirement, and I got to avoid those pesky classes like "Composition," "Spelling," and "Grammar." 

I do have a confession for all of you readers: I have not been doing much exciting lately to blog about.  This is not because of my bum shoulder, but rather because most of my work is consumed with a murder case.  The case involves the execution-style killing of a man and his 3 year old daughter, and I don't (most of the time) write about ongoing cases.

However- after two years of pre-trial garbage, the two attorneys working for the killer have been thrown off the case and are now being investigated for witness tampering. 

In one way this is kind of cool, I get to shout one great big giant "Who's your daddy?!" to the lawyers.  But, now the killer just gets a couple more lawyers, and the whole procees (that has already taken two years) starts all over again. 

If you're really hard up for something interesting to read from me, you could always hope for someone to turn up dead in some weird way very soon.  It would also help if the autopsy is done by that doctor who talks to the victims... that's always good for some laughs. 

krisndave83 at 10:30:58 PM PST Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 14 comments: Show Recent | Add your own

     I have never been skinny.  Now I run, I work out, I try to watch my weight, but I have never had that thin, runner's physic.  However, one night, I was on a stakeout with someone who did. 

 

     We had been getting reports of car prowls in a particular area, so Officer Tom and I decided that we would stake out the area, to catch some of these criminals.  We walked into a bin lot, where large fruit bins were stacked about ten feet high, intending to use the bins as a vantage point.  As soon as we walked between two rows of bins, we noticed a stack of stolen booty.  The crooks had evidently already been busy, and had been stashing their ill-gotten gains between the bins.  Knowing that the bad guys would be back for the stash, Tom and I climbed up onto the bins and waited. 

 

     Within 15 minutes, two guys walked into the narrow aisle and started picking up the stolen goods.  Tom and I leapt down off the bins, screaming like we were marauding Huns.  The two crooks took off running, with Tom and me in pursuit.  Now these crooks were somewhat of a reflection of Tom and me- one was stocky and slow, the other thin and fast.  Tom quickly outpaced me, being able to run much faster than I.  And who did he catch and take to the ground?  That's right, the slow fat one.  And who did I get to chase?  Correct again, the skinny fast guy. 

 

     After four blocks, the guy gave up, when a backup officer in a patrol car drove in front of him.  The final indignity is that the skinny-fast bad guy gets a ride in the patrol car (albeit in handcuffs), while I have to walk the entire four blocks back to Tom, who was resting comfortably on an apple box.  I wanted to say something witty and insulting to him for making me do all the running, but I just couldn't catch my breath.

 

krisndave83 at 7:25:16 PM PST Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 15 comments: Show Recent | Add your own

A news gal came at me a few weeks ago, asking to do a story on a cold case.  She was so excited about the story, she said, "This will be a REALLY long story, a HUGE segment on the news, it might last up to 2 minutes!  You be the judge if I have what it takes to leave this 2-bit town and hit Hollywood.

Paste the long link into the Explorer toolbar.

http://depository.shadowtv.com/flash/progressive_video1.swf?playlistUrl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.kimatv.com%2Fhome%2Fplaylist%2F%3Fvid%3D4715731%26ref%3D%2Fnews%2Flocal%26vhi%3DY%26exthi%3Dhttp%3A%2F%2Fdepository.shadowtv.com%2Fmedia%2F265%2F2006%2F325%2F21%2F16965_265_20061121_210903_293.flv%26skipthumb%3DY%26codec%3Dflv

krisndave83 at 10:16:55 PM PST Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 14 comments: Show Recent | Add your own

     Most of the time when a very funny report crosses my desk, it's because some criminal has made a mockery of natural selection and redefined the term stupid.  However, every now and then it's not the crooks who make me giggle...

 

     A patrol officer was in a foot chase with some miscreant the other night.  Foot chases are always tough for cops; we are loaded down with guns, ammo, radio, bullet-proof vest, cool sunglasses, nightstick, cell phone, and two glazed donuts.  The guy actually out in front doing the felony two-step only has on him a sweatshirt, filthy jeans, a pair of shoplifted Adidas, and $60.00 worth of amphetamine coursing through his veins.  So the best we hope for is keeping the defendant in sight until the cavalry arrives. 

 

     Said bad guy (let's call him Freddy Felon) is running toward his own nearby house.  Freddy goes right into the front door and locks it behind him.  Not wanting to follow this guy into his own home without backup, the cop sets up a perimeter, which is quickly formed around the house.  Cops then spend about 15 minutes pounding on the doors and windows, demanding that Freddy come out and play; but there is no answer.  About an hour later, the patrol supervisor arrives on the scene with a warrant to search the home.  Because of the particularly violent history of Freddy Felon, the cops do not wish to risk their lives going in after him, and why should they?  CS gas is pumped into the house. 

 

     After delivering enough CS gas to clear Berkley University, Police finally enter and check.  With gas masks on, 5 cops search high and low in the house, pulling open cabinets, tipping over furniture to look underneath, but no suspect is found.  About 3 hours into the search, as things are winding down, one of the cops on perimeter hears a sound coming from the area of his car.  He looks and sees someone frantically pounding from inside the back of his patrol car.  He goes over, and there is Freddy Felon, seated in the back.  The cop opens the door and the guy screams, "What are you doing to my house!" 

 

     It seems that just before the perimeter guys arrived, Freddy went out the back door, right after he entered the front door, and hid in the back yard.  But as soon as all the police cars arrived, he knew that he would be found, so he surrendered to a police car, only to find the driver had already gotten out to help secure the house.  So he decided to sit in the back seat and wait for the officer to return.  He then watched the entire event unfold, kicking in his front door, tossing gas into his house, hearing all of the searching go on for the hours he sat there. Freddy spent the entire time yelling that he was in the police car, but no one could hear him, and police car rear doors cannot be opened from the inside. 

 

     Oops.

krisndave83 at 9:41:49 PM PST Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 15 comments: Show Recent | Add your own

     You all know how much I try to keep this blog clean, and not  depend on “potty humor” to entertain.  However, this time it’s not about the humor, it’s about a decline in the very fabric of our culture.  

 

     As proud Americans (and a few proud Brits), we all want to have fresh, blue-tinted water in the head (or “loo” for those on the east side of the pond).  This is all about to change, and it’s the fault of the environmentalists.  That’s right; those people who are taking away our Hummers and making us scrounge through our trash like starving rats in order to “Recycle”.  

 

     Case in point: I was returning from teaching a sniper school a week or so ago (you can still do that with a shoulder injury) when I stopped for lunch.  Having eaten junk food during the entire week of field instruction, my… er… well, let’s just say that the train was finally moving and it was full.  I went to the one and only restroom in the business; completed the task, and then went to flush.  

 

     There was a sign over the toilet that said, “Environmentally Friendly” and in small print added, “The least water per  flush” (not sure if that was a boast or a warning).  I pulled the lever; there was the sound like that of a mouse sneezing, and nothing much happened.  The contents of the bowl did not go down the drain as is usual.  If anything, the “flush” (if you could call it that) just made it angry.  Then there was a knock at the door, the only other customer in the place wanted in.  I pulled the lever again; nothing happened.  Evidently the thing had to recharge; and there I was, in this bathroom pushing the lever like I was trying to start a Sopwith Camel.  I ended up running the sink for about 5 minutes until the toilet had enough pressure to make another attempt.  I washed my hands and ran out without looking at the result.  

 

     I have found the reason behind all the violence associated with eco-terrorism: all of the hemp-wearing granola-crunchers installed these things in their apartments… it would make me want to blow up something as well.  

krisndave83 at 12:00:33 AM PST Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 17 comments: Show Recent | Add your own

     OK, I’m sick and tired of recalling the times I got hurt; a guy dwells on that stuff too long and pretty soon you’re in the fetal position on Dr. Freud’s sofa, babbling about how the ATM machines are stealing your brain.  So, here is one of many stories about how those around me got hurt, sometimes by my actions, although never by my intentions. 

 

     The first one that comes to mind was the first time I was really, really scared while working.  It started in the County Jail receiving area.  I was helping another officer book a heroin addict.  You actually don’t see too many of these any more; heroin has been replaced by methamphetamine, a drug that is preferred I think because prolonged use negates the need to buy expensive toothpastes and brushes, as it makes your teeth rot quickly. 

 

     Anyway, here is this doper, getting booked for something, and I was standing behind him.  All of a sudden, this guy goes nuts!  I have no idea why, maybe cause he could not get the in-room Jacuzzi upgrade, or maybe because the ATMs had just taken too many brain cells.  The guy yells out at the other officer, and then takes a swing at him.  I grabbed the guy’s long, greasy hair (which reminded me of a filthy mop that needed to be replaced during the Carter administration) and pulled hard. 

 

     What I did not know is that the other officer, doing a great job of ducking the haymaker, had gone low and grabbed the guy around his legs and lifted.  My pulling high and his lifting low had the cumulative effect of flipping this guy like a burning pancake.  I saw his feet come up, and some of the dirty hair came out in my hands, I then heard his head hit the concrete floor like a rotten pumpkin thrown from a bridge. 

 

      Time sort of went still for a moment, and then the only thing my brain registered was how much blood was coming out from under his very still head.  I could only think: “Oh, my Lord, we killed him!”  I was certain that the world was one heroin addict less, and that I was going to jail for murdering Mr. Mophead.  Just then, I heard the sweetest sound ever; Mr. Mop rolled his eyes and said, “I ain’t gonna resist any more.”  Those were his exact words. 

 

     I was so happy that I clapped my partner on the shoulder and said, “He’s OK!”  My partner just looked at me and said, “Ya right, everyone’s supposed to have blood pouring out of their head like that.”  OK, he was bleeding pretty good, but at least he was alive. 

 

     I saw him in court a few days later; some stitches were in his head, right about the same place where he was missing a large patch of hair. 

 

 

Oh look, an example of shameless self-promotion:

 

       

krisndave83 at 10:22:21 PM PDT Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 16 comments: Show Recent | Add your own

It would seem that I am a 2006 VIVI Award nominee.

First question,  what in the heck is a VIVI?

Sounds a bit like a French catcall, something a construction worker in Paris would call out to a visiting chick from England: "Hey, les pour la femme VIVI (buurrppp)!" 

In police/military circles, when you see stuff like that, you think acronyms. 

VIVI:  Victim Inciminating Voice Intrige?

VIVI:  Very Intuitive Vermen Indoctrination?

VIVI:  Violet In Vermilion Ink?

Maybe it's someone's name, perhaps the founder of the blog, Sir Maximilian Vivi.  He was honored because as soon as Al Gore invented the internet, Sir Vivi propositioned the first 13 year old boy online. 

Wait... I think I have it, VIVI is actually a number: 66.  If it were VIVIVI, it would be the sign of Satan, but I think VIVI is safe. 

Well, the shoulder is healing nicely, back to "light duty" Monday.  Hope to have lots of funny stuff for the famous "66", Sir V. or whatever....

krisndave83 at 7:10:44 PM PDT Permalink | Blog about this entry |  Add to del.icio.us |  digg this This entry has 18 comments: Show Recent | Add your own