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A Cathartic Moment
A late entry for me today but at least I made it. I`ve been trying to post a particular entry for the last few years and today after cancelling it half way through I`ve realised that I never will now.
Let me explain. After my mother died almost three years ago I at last had the peace I`d sought after many years of a kind of torment. After she left home when I was 12 we had little contact and the times we did meet were full of friction. About five years again I visited her and her fourth husband ( my dad was number one) in Spain where she emigrated too with her third. It was that complicated. But I digress, Jim and I visited and I hoped against hope that I would realise that I did love her after all....it was a complete disaster and when she hugged me I froze and realised that a mother`s love had eluded me forever....then she died and I cried for what might have been to be a loving daughter to a mother who loved me in return.
That paragraph summed up my life until I had "closure" three years ago. Now all I feel is compassion mixed with pity for a woman who in her own words had "no maternal instinct" and really didn`t even know me. Once a year on Mother`s Day I visit the local crematorium and leave some roses. I don`t take a card, just the flowers as I know that the gesture is enough. I choose that day because I never sent her a card in life, it would have been hypocritical. I have tried many times to put into words why we had no relationship but each time I try is just gets muddled and makes no sense so I just won`t try again. I decided that enough is enough and I don`t think I need to talk about it in detail anymore apart from saying that no, deep down I didn`t love her, just the thought of the mother she might have been if she wanted. I hope this makes sense.
On a much happier note, my own family were all here yesterday. Kerry and Slava stayed here Saturday night because they were going out with friends, Jim and I had the task of babysitting Roman which was great fun as usual. On Sunday morning, we all with the exception of Jim who was working, went into Windsor for a walk around the town and along the river. Slava bought Kerry and I a hot chocolate in Costa`s with whipped cream and marshmallow in top....it was scrummy! Later on I cooked a roast chicken dinner and Danny arrived just in time to eat it, though he didn`t stay too long...I think there is a woman on the scene but he`s not saying at the moment.
I didn`t have to get up early for work today as I`m on holiday....yay! Instead I got up an hour later and still ended up working all morning at home! I did a huge pile of ironing, did some more washing and took advantage of a blustery day to dry it all on the line. I have to make sure the house in tip top shape because I`m going to Kerry`s on Wednesday morning until Saturday night and I don`t want to leave the house messy to come back to. Jim will join me after finishing work on Thursday and he plans to go fishing all day Friday. He`s already found a lake near to Kerry where there are good facillities and he can`t wait to go there...oh well, once a fisherman, always a fisherman.
Kerry and I of course, have much better things to do. Shopping in Reading on Thurday and the rest of the time will be taken up with Roman`s activities which I love to take part in. Jim is very welcome to his fishing lake....lol! Also it will be nice not to be doing any housework or cooking for a few days and of course I love the area where they live, it has made me realise that moving to Kent may not be such a good idea as I`d thought, I don`t want to move to far away from my family. Jim and I are going to have to talk long and hard about this little matter.
Anyway, I have read most of the journal alerts that I`ve had today, very good for me as I`ve been quite lazy of late and not been commenting as much as I`d really like. I hope you`ve all had a lovely day, take care. :o)
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I never knew that about your Mum Sandra.But what really stands out is that your Mum had such a beautiful daughter. . you tell this without bitterness and I think it says such a lot about you that you take flowers on Mothers Day.Its such a shame that your Mum never really knew you. . she has missed out on so much.I hope she has found peace now. And I cant help thinking that in some other world she knows just how wonderful her daughter is. . and is very proud of you.
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Sandra sorry to read about the relationship with your mum, but I can understand it!! That is how I feel about my dad half the time. Glad you had a good day otherwise though and you've got your trip to Kerry's to look forward to :o)
Jenny
http://journals.aol.co.uk/Jmoqueen/MyLife -
You have come through some very difficult years and emerged a strong woman and a lovely mother. Because of it or in spite of it I don't know but admitting that you did not love somebody when you have spent years believing you ought to - that takes some guts Sandra. You should be proud of yourself. Love and great respect to you.
Angie, xx
3/10/08 10:01 PM