Whispers...

Love?

Wed, 04 Jun 2008 19:06:59 GMT

I was talking to a friend this morning about all he's going through. The hurt he has is so pronounced it can fill a room. From what I gather from our conversations, he feels unloved. I admit, I know how he feels, I've felt it before. So, I told him to remember that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want doesn't mean they don't love you with all the are. I know, those are someone else's words and if I knew who wrote them I'd gladly give credit. I don't know if I agree with the statement. I guess I feel that if you love someone you always love them with all you are and that's all you can expect from anyone else. Seems to me that if you're not willing to love someone completely then you don't really love them. You may like someone very much but it's in knowing that you'd do anything for them, that you'd be there no matter what, that's love. So here I am thinking about the conversation still, about the people I love, the people who have said they love me. I wonder, how is it someone can love you then walk away. Can we ever really be okay with losing someone that matters so much to us? Why is it okay to leave someone and then still say you love them? He's walking away from a marriage that is hurtful, not because he doesn't care but because he can't take anymore. Yet, he says he still loves her. How can you love someone and leave them, ever? I sit here listening to songs we've got on the computer because I can't get the freakin ipod to work and the chorus to one song is sticking with me, even when the others play:

And I bless the day I met you
And I thank God that He let you
Lay beside me for a moment that lives on
And the good news is I'm better
For the time we spent together
And the bad news is you're gone

Yes, it's great when a relationship makes us into better people. But I wonder if this is one of those rebound things. We hurt, we ache for acceptance and love so we let people into our lives that we know are only going to be temporary. In the end we feel better yet we miss the one we had. If it was so great, why did it end? Though I notice the song doesn't mention love. I guess it's just about having someone there. Maybe that's all some things ever are, just someone to be there for the moment. It's a great memory but it's not love. Would hurt like hell to find out that's all parts of our lives are. To know that these people didn't love us, just needed us and we were there. Does it get easier if that's ever the case?

I Should Be Sleeping...

Sat, 19 Apr 2008 02:54:37 GMT

It's only quarter to eleven on a Friday night and everyone is asleep. Well, except me of course. After a long day in court supporting a friend of ours Jess has passed out on the couch. I believe her final words were "Amen to that." What can I say we disagreed with an EHarmony commercial... "wouldn't you rather have a man than a dog?" Nope, can't say I would, dog'll sit and stay and if he smells I can make him sleep outside HA! The two munchkins in the house for the night are all stretched out in the living room sound asleep. They played hard on the playground all through Dyl's ball practice. It makes me smile to know Richie is at Neicy's reeking havoc with Jake (it's a little smile ok?) So the house is silent and still.

I'm fighting an internal battle I thought I got rid of when motherhood hit. Should I stay up and try to cram stuff in before I sleep or should I sleep and just get up early? Between work, a stop at baseball practice, a bridal shower and picking Richie up in Campton I've got to make food for the shower, pick up a gift and uh oh I know there's more but I can't remember! YIKES!! Somehow last night Jess and I joined the Little League board. How do things like that keep happening to me? I mean I volunteered to be a Den Leader and now I'm the Cub Master. I offer to help with opening day and now I'm on the board?!? When is it I should sleep? Now, now would be good. But, if I stay up I might get the food done, or I could make it in the morning. Let's not ignore the large amount of sugar flowing through my veins right now. I've had oh a few sodas since around noon and I'm still flyin high. But do I really want to stay up, make a mess then have to clean it up before I can sleep? Nah, probably not. Though I could get away with leaving the mess until tomorrow and Jess may or may not clean it up but I can't do that.... can I? Okay, now I know I should sleep... I'm arguing with myself. It would only be worse if I was doing it in an IM. Yeah... I'm going to bed, night ya'll!

Crispy

Fri, 11 Apr 2008 16:50:57 GMT

Yesterday was one of those wonderful days that I just didn't want it to end. We all have our moments when things just seem to come together and there were many of those yesterday. My oldest nephew Dylan turned 11 and we had a bunch of little things planned since our schedules are so crazy busy right now. Somehow though between the cupcakes at school, ice cream after school, Little League practice and Cub Scouts, Jess and I managed to work in some time in the tanning bed. I was fortunate enough to get the bed with the air conditioner next to it. The room was nice and cool. It reminded me of the first time I visited my Moms in Florida. The day was breezy and nice and I fell asleep. Well, luckily the beds are set with timers and even if I had fallen asleep I wouldn't have gotten more exposure than I set out for. Still, today I'm a bit crispy. It's been so long since I've been out in the sun or in a tanning bed that my skin just doesn't know what to think. When I left the salon yesterday I could only look at my face and tell I'd gotten any kind of tan or burn. The rest of me seemed just as white as before. Then, around bedtime, I scratched my shoulder and it STUNG!!! Yup, I'm a little cajun right now. I can feel the heat radiate from parts of my body as I sit here and type. Thank the Lord it's raining outside. I'm not sure I could handle the heat from the sun just yet. But woohooooooo I like it hot!

Rethinking Things

Wed, 09 Apr 2008 18:14:46 GMT

Last night I filled out one of those online surveys on myspace. I was honest but at the same time I was in one of those moods. Some of my answers were more blunt than necessary and even bordered on hurtful. For a moment I considered posting it here. My thoughts were than I hadn't posted here in about a week and then everyone would get to read my answers instead of just those on my myspace friends list. I had the page all loaded up and the survey copied to paste in here. Then I stopped. What on earth was I doing? There was absolutely no reason for me to post that here or anywhere else. Sometimes I think too hard on things and it angers me to the point of wanting to say hurtful things. I know I do it because it will get that person's attention but at the same time, it's not the way things need to be said. As a matter of fact, there's really nothing to say anymore in most cases. What has happened is over. Time didn't stand still, life went on. Though I occasionally may get frustrated again over an old situation that creeps back into the foreground, there's no reason to let it push me into being someone I don't want to be. So, I'm rethinking things. Mostly, I'm reconsidering how I want to react when things happen. I called someone a coward earlier this week. Though in many ways I do see him as such, it wasn't necessary to say such a thing and I'm sorry to that person, I'm sure he heard me because I pretty well made sure of it! To those I disagree with; if I walk away please know I'm reevaluating how I'm going to respond to you. It is no longer my goal to be hateful or hurtful. However, it's an old habit that I'm finding very hard to break. Please be patient with me. Thanks!

Spring Break

Thu, 03 Apr 2008 19:11:14 GMT

This week has been Spring Break for the boys. It's rained most all week. There have been a few brief moments of dry and unfortunately for the kids, it's been during the times we've had to be running all over the place and they couldn't be outside playing. Lucky for us, they've pretty much taken it all in stride. It's a shame, we really had been having some nice spring time weather before this. In that manner of speaking this week has indeed been a break from spring. I'm sure it's not what the kids had hoped for. I have to say, it's been a let down for me too. Though I've basically had to work all week at the store so I've not really had any time at home with them. Yesterday was really my only day off and I had a lot of running to do because we won't be able to make it to Scouts tonight. I'm very blessed that my parents are stepping up to take care of everything.

Yesterday was our break from the rain and we were packed with things to do. A lot of it was based on the lack of rain though. By yesterday afternoon I'd covered 4 counties and was still running. We went to Khristie's to help her and her Dad put some fencing up along the farm. Khristie then got the bright idea for us to go get Daffodil bulbs to plant in our yards. Not that I'm not a flower fan but this wasn't about going to a nursery and getting them, this was going somewhere they grow wild and pulling them up. We got them alright with a short trip in her little Gator golf cart. Then in a detour on the way back to the house we ran out of gas. So what do we do? We end up pushing the stupid thing back to the house. No Mom, we didn't let the kids push while we sat inside. Jess just took the picture because it looked funny. We all pushed in one way or another and Khristie's little one did the stearing. With a lot of heaving and hoing, we got it back up over the hill and gave it one more good shove before jumping in and coasting back down the other side.

Yesterday was fun. Silly, but fun. Today...I hurt like heck. My hands are sore from gripping the fencing pliers that I used to secure the clips. My back and shoulders hurt from pushing the Gator. My legs are scratched up from being run through the briars while I pushed the Gator...thanks Khristie! This wonderful rain is killing my sinusesand making my head pound and my ears ache. If I hurt this bad now, I'm in trouble when I get older. I have to say, I'm looking forward to getting a break from Spring Break! Next week I'm working a shorter schedule and I'll find some time for the tanning bed. I promise this, I'm going to spend a whole day in bed, if anyone has a problem with it they can write it on a piece of paper and light it on fire. Lord, I'm in trouble when Summer comes!

Lessons to Learn

Mon, 31 Mar 2008 18:27:53 GMT

It's been a tough day today. The rain keeps me from being outside where I want to be and traps the kids in the house. It's spring break and the Weather man says it's going to rain pretty much all week. This is one time I really want him to be wrong. My paycheck still hasn't come in the mail and let me tell you, I'm not a happy camper! I did call my boss and she's supposed to be sending me a new check to our PO Box. Hopefully that'll come in tomorrow. So, with all the stuff for me to complain about, why does my mood say happy you might ask? Well, things can always be worse. It could be snowing...ick! I could not have the wonderful friends I have. Those who help me throw my son a birthday party when the check doesn't show up in time to buy everything. Those who travel more than 20 minutes for a party that only lasts and hour and a half because they know what it means to my son. Those who listen to me whine and complain about things they can't fix. Those who send me emails like the one below to make me laugh. THANK YOU LADIES!!!!

To those who haven't been there... what's your deal?!? Do you think good friends come easy? When you look around and don't see anyone you can count on, don't see a person you'd call a good friend; ask yourself, have I been a good friend?

To everyone who reads this, hope you enjoy the little words of wisdom Neicy sent me, they were a great way to make me laugh!

_________________________________________________________

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

6. A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

(This is very important. Pay attention! It never fails.)

7. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

8. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

9. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

10. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

11. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

12. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

13. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

14. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

15. Middle age is whenbroadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

16. Opportunities always look bigger after they have passed.

17. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

18. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

19. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

20. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

21. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

22. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

23. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.

24. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

25. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

26. You should not confuse your career with your life.

27. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

28. Never lick a steak knife.

29. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

30. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

31. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

32. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

33. Your friends love you anyway.

34. Thought for the day: Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

35. How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

36. It is better to try something and fail, than to try nothing and succeed!

Booked

Mon, 31 Mar 2008 01:32:52 GMT

The Church's food ministry, Little League parent meeting, a sleepover, a birthday party, the hymn sing... it's been a busy weekend. We've had a lot going on. It seems everywhere we turn lately there's something that needs to be done. We found out on Friday night that Richie will be a Pirate this season. There was a meeting with his coaches yesterday; they're both very nice men who have boys on the team. Practices will be tight with the boys in three different leagues but we'll manage it. All I can think is whew, he's not a Yankee HA HA HA! Richie's birthday party got off to a slow start but ended up turning out pretty nicely. Thank goodness for internet, I was able to find a neat little science project that the kids loved. If you want to try it, drop me an email and I'll let you in on it, it really is great! As successful as everything worked out, I'm not sure I can keep up this pace for too long. We've got practices and games and scouts and church and work and blah blah blah. The list just seems to grow every day. I looked at my calendar for later on this month and I swear, I'm triple or quadruple booked for a day. I can't remember the last time this happened. Then, Summer'll come and Richie will go to Mom's and I'm going to be lost. I'm wondering, can't we spread some of these over for a little while?!? Pleaseeeeeeeeeeee! Still, it's nice to have so much to do, it keeps my mind working and doesn't allow me to think about the things that bother me. One example is someone who fell off the face of the earth about a month and a half ago and then suddenly reappeared. I guess I should be used to it by now, it's not the first time it's happened but then, it still sucks. Wish someone would just be honest and say what they want then ACT like it's what they want. How can you expect the world to stand still for you if you won't make a move to get where you want to be? Wait... should I just sit here with my arms open waiting for you to make up your mind what you want? I don't get it. But I will say this, quit walking away then acting hurt when things go on. Like Reba said "I guess the world didn't stop, for my broken heart." Life goes on, it has to. The sun will rise and set and others will try to put their lives back together. When was the last time you stopped to help someone else pick up the pieces instead of worrying about what you wanted? It really is a lucky thing for you that I am so booked right now. If I didn't have a column to write I'd really tell you what I think!

Rain

Fri, 28 Mar 2008 20:04:10 GMT

So...

I had this really nice journal written and for some stupid reason it didn't post. As a matter of fact my whole computer froze up. As much as I'd love for everyone to get the full effect of what I wrote... I don't really have the time to sit here AGAIN and write it. Nor do I remember in entirety what was said. So, the gist of it all...

It's raining...I don't mind it...I even kinda like it...THE END!

Only in the country...

Tue, 25 Mar 2008 20:36:38 GMT

There are days when I can't believe I live so far out in the middle of nowhere. Yesterday was one of those days. Richie got money and a gift card for his birthday and Easter and he he wanted to go to Wal Mart right away. In any other town that would be great but here, that's a twenty minute trip... one way. The closest KMart? Twenty Minutes. We do have a couple drug stores, dollar stores and small thrift shops in town but that's not enough for a seven year old. And a mall? Yeah, forget about that, that's in Lexington...way too far for a quick trip in a broken down little car. The only thing in town thats twenty four hours is the gas station. It can be tough. You can go for miles with virtually nothing around. And forget about a cell phone signal. You get yourself down in a "holler" and you're SOL. Of course, you know you're going to break down somewhere without a signal, right? Backwoods country life can be a challenge but it can also be a reward.

Here in the country, we go horseback riding just because we feel like it. We sled anywhere when it snows because most everyone has a hill close by. The kids play out front or at the neighbor's house until it starts to get dark because everyone knows everyone and no one else comes back here. Our dogs run free without any limits to where they lay, sit, or play. Birds of every size, shape and color sing on our porches and trees without choking up on smog and pollution. There are bonuses to country living that people in the city can only imagine. People do know each other and they look out for each other. Neighbors wave when they go up and down the road.

Some of the things we've heard and done this past week could only happen here in the country. For example, only in the country would you hear the words..."don't harass the llama." Yep the boys wanted to chase the thing and it wasn't having it. These words were spoken directly to a mama horse who just didn't want to leave her foal... "oh shut up, do you know how much I'd pay to be able to lock my kids in a stall for a little while?" Now, don't go getting upset, it was only a joke but one that would have had no effect anywhere else but here in the country. Then there was the very confident comment from one of the kids that "we probably won't have school tomorrow cause of all the rain." In the country, that's normal; torrential rains come and rivers flood... the kids get a few days off. Today it was a day off and the kids took full advantage of the situation. Our four multiplied to six and insanity ensued. Five out of six are covered in mud because they went hill sliding and hunting for crawdads in the creek. Only in the country could we do what we did this past weekend. Jess' grandfather's birthday fell on Easter Sunday this year so we had a little fun with him. We dyed an egg bright blue and hid it in the hen house for him to find. So far, he's blamed everyone he could think of...except us. You see, we were at church with him on Sunday, we couldn't possibly have done that! Where else but in the country could you see the sunset without having to deal with noise and air pollution? There is nowhere else on Earth that can compare to these wide open spaces. I may have been city raised but Thank God I'm a country girl now!!

Full Circle

Thu, 20 Mar 2008 02:58:33 GMT

I was sitting here tonight going through my journals. Now that I'll be writing for the paper every week I was looking to see if I had anything I could use as a column or atleast as inspiration. As I sat here rereading thoughts and feelings that are up to four years old I can't help but noticed how life has circled back around. I'm once again at a point in my life where I'm just taking the days one at a time. For a while there I was so wrapped up in everything it was like I gulped life down without much thought. Now I'm taking a breath and biding my time to see where things will go. Once again I've pretty much decided to take a break from relationships. It seems to me I've spent far too much time working to make something come together when the men I dated put little to no work into it themselves. To be honest, I'm not sure I care if I date anyone or get married. All I really want for myself now is to know I can take care of Richie to the best of my abilities. Everything else is just extra. I'm thrilled to be writing and actually to be making something of it. Though it's not a paid column it'll be great exposure for me and in the future it could become something more. I've got a good steady job that at least for now will get me through. I'm still not sure what it is I want to do with myself on a regular basis permenantly but I'll be okay until I sort it out. Richie's doing well in school and tried out for Little League last weekend. Already has a bruise and didn't seem to think much of it. We should know what teams the boys are on by mid week next week since practices can start as early as the first. There will be three practice schedules to juggle, Scouts, Church, Jess' school and work but it'll keep us focused which is something I think we all need. There have been so many ups and downs over the past four years I can't begin to say how nice it'll be to have something to work on, something I can feel like I'm accomplishing (even if it is just keeping Richie out of the emergency room for the season!) In all this time people have come and gone from my life. Some I was sad to see go, others I was relieved to be done with and still others I'm baffled at why they choose to take the roles they do. Seems strange to me to read through all these journals and know that some of the people I mentioned, some of the people who were such regular parts of my life have slipped away. I admit, I'm terrible about staying in touch. I'mnot much of a multitasker unless there's food involved but I do try as often as possible. Luckily there are many people in my life who know and accept that I'm disorganized, scatter brained and forgetful and these wonderful people forgive me for being so quiet sometimes. It's odd to think about all that's happened in the time since I started this journal. There are many people and places that have meant so much to me along the way and I hope the people never forget that I have and always will care deeply for most of them. For those who have brought hurt into my life: I'm praying each and every day that God opens your hearts and makes you into the beautiful creation he has meant you to be. For those who have stuck by me no matter how crazy I've made them: I love you guys and I can't begin to define the amount of joy you each bring to my life. You all are true blessings. As for those who have silently slipped away: I pray that you find the peace you were missing when we knew one another and I thank you for being a part of my life and being there when I needed you. If our paths happen to cross again I hope it is in a pleasant manner and if all we have are our memories I hope they are fond ones. In regards to me: I am still here, pushing forward and trusting God to see me through each and every day. May his light shine on you as it continues to light my path.