Woman in Progress

I'm chillin, but I'm also a little frustrated because I wanted to write about something else, but I forgot what it was.  Hopefully, I'll remember soon.  Anyhoo...

HOH Guilt -- the feeling of remorse or responsibility for an oft-imagined crime or offense toward the dependents of a household

My tax status is "Head Of Household," which means that I take care of everyone and everything within my home.  Most of my friends hold the same tax status, and I have to say that we all do a great job maintaining our homes and those who live within them.  We love our children, make sure they attend quality schools, keep their clothes and noses clean, feed them, enroll them in activities that enhance their God-given abilities, and lavish a ton of attention on them.  I know that I'm a good mom.  At this moment, the only thing my son lacks is his Batman costume for Halloween (and he'll get that before the end of the month).  Why then do I feel horrible when I leave the nail salon with a fresh mani/pedi?  Why does one of my girlfriends fret for hours when she goes Venti at Starbucks, and another keeps the receipt of her shopping spree at Payless for a week just in case she "comes to her senses?"  HOH guilt.  We always feel that we can be doing more for our kids -- the same ones that want for nothing except Halloween costumes.  For me, the madness stops right now.

I vow to take myself out on a date at least once a month -- to the movies, the theatre, or dinner at a restaurant where there's a maitre' d, not a hostess.  I vow to keep my nails, feet and hair in good condition.  I vow to buy the clothes that I know are necessities for my new position at work, and to buy the shoes that match.  I vow to buy myself a good pair of tennis shoes so I can start running in the morning, like I've been promising myself for over a year.  I promise to take adult vacations so that I will not only get my groove back, but also so that I will never again lose it.  I promise to sometimes read books purely for entertainment, and not to understand a writer's style and tone, and not to better understand and discipline my child.  I PROMISE to finally make my office into the space that it was meant to be -- a space to create AND retreat -- and stop working at the dining room table.

When a flight prepares for take-off, the flight attendant tells the passengers about the exits and that the seats can be used as flotation devices.  He/She also says that should the cabin lose air pressure masks will fall from the ceiling, and if you are traveling with small children or dependents, you should first put on your mask and then put on the mask of the dependents in your care.  We take care to remember this during our flight, but we forget it in our lives.  We forget that our children have a better chance of surviving and thriving if we take the time to take care of ourselves first.  We also forget that our lives are in various stages of flight -- preparing for take-off, speeding up towards the clouds, or cruising at 30,000 feet -- and that our children, at least for 18 years, are along for the ride.  We cannot land the plane or postpone the flight because they didn't get something that they probably didn't need anyway.  We have to have faith that we are good HOHs and that we packed our carry-ons to the brim with everything that they could possibly need.  Then say a prayer, pull out your gum and ipod, give that kid a stick of gum and the complimentary crayons and coloring book, and enjoy your flight. 

You paid for it.      

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I don't have too much to write about today.  Marshall and I were just messing around on the computer, and created avatars of ourselves as Simpsons.  If you want to see me, just click on the link to my Myspace page.  If you want to turn yourself into a Simpson, go to www.simpsonsmovie.com. 

Have fun everyone!  I'll see you in Springfield.

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I LOVE NYC!!!  I've been here all weekend, and I want to move.  Well, maybe not move, but I definitely could have an extended stay.  Every time feels like my first time here.  I love that the city never fails to offer me a new experience.  It's a writer's Mecca, after all.  Personalities, philosophies, idiosyncrasies are mixed together, and the city makes it boil.  I enjoy beach retreats, slow weekends, and relaxing vacations, but every now and then it's good to quicken the tempo.  Sometimes you just have to make sure your heart can still beat quickly in your throat.

I'm going back to the MORE in a few hours, and everything will slow down.  My mind will start to process the weekend.  I'll be a bit more reflective.  I'll relive my sins, and I will chuckle to myself while I'm washing dishes or folding laundry.

You have to create memories for yourself.  You can't wait for your "Girl (Boy), Remember when...?" moment.  You have to seek it.  If you seek it, you're certain to find it.  Weekends like this often make me think of people who sit around wishing their life away, waiting for life to happen to them.  That's no way to live.  I strive for zero shoulda woulda couldas.  I rarely apologize, and I often make mistakes.  I don't offer explanations.  My friends don't need them, and my enemies don't believe them. Every place my feet tread is my church.  Each place I visit is my home.

Gotta love New York.

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Before I get started on my subject, I have to take a moment to thank Sheria for naming me as a rockin' girl blogger.  If you haven't had the pleasure of reading her blog, I urge you to take the time to read her thoughts (click "On My Mind" at your right).  I always enjoy her witty insights on everyday life.

Now...an open letter to Miss Represented

I'm writing this for someone who is probably never going to read it, but just in case you get curious and stumble upon this blog, here it is.  I know you lied to me, but I think that you are so caught up in that lie, and you have been lying to yourself for so long that you don't even realize you are lying.  You are living in a parallel universe, and while we are finding our way in love and searching for truth on this path that we have carved out with whatever tools we have at our disposal, you have been setting traps and calling it fate.  You stated that I should not be deceived.  I have prayed for discernment concerning you and your continuing role in my situation, and I have ascertained that you, in fact, are the deceitful one.

You have had help.  I do not entirely blame you.  While I do believe that we are responsible for our own actions, I understand that human beings are influenced by many different factors.  In your case, you have been influenced by pure cowardice.  You have been influenced by someone who hates to hurt people, and who does not understand that in some cases being firm is the kindest thing you can do for a person.

I often pray for you.  I pray that you will find the love and the commitment that we all desire.  I do not wish for anyone to go without love.  Our journey on this earth is about finding the love in which God designed us, in all its forms.  I suppose you feel that you need a person to blame.  You may blame me if that makes you feel better.  I do not worry too much about what people think about me.  My harmoniously dysfunctional life is all mine, and I am grateful for every moment and facet of it.  However, in order for you to find the love that you truly deserve, you are going to have to understand that your situation was the same before I ever knew you existed, and will continue to be the same if I decide to change my direction.

I am saying this in love, Miss Represented, and I hope in time you will see it as such.  I will continue to reach out to you, because I am always going to be a part of your world in some capacity.  Your lie has disrupted my truth, and I cannot have that.

Take your traps off my path.

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I saw a t-shirt in the mall a few days ago that spelled out "hustla" in rhinestones.  I almost bought it, until I realized that because I am a bona fide hustla, my money is better off going back into my legacy.  I've been thinking a lot about the legacy we leave of late, and while I pray that I still have many years left on this earth, I know that one day I have to go, and I know that I will leave at least one someone behind.  To me, legacy blends all of my priorities and interests together.  It is at once my spirituality, my family, my art, and my business.  Legacy negates the need I sometimes feel to compartmentalize.  I do what I do because it is my purpose, and it affects my family.  My family influences my art.  My spirituality affects my business -- so on and so forth. 

Right now, I'm working very hard at a job that I really don't enjoy, but it (almost) takes care of the bills.  This morning I woke up thinking about something I say to Marshall when he tells me that something is (almost) done.  I tell him that (almost) means not complete.  In our world, (almost) always fails to make the grade.  No one (almost) skydives.  You either jumped out of the plane or you didn't.  If I'm down on the ground waiting for you to parachute your way to me, I don't particularly care about your thought processes inside the plane.  I'm waiting to see the goal accomplished.  Jumping is much more than your victory -- it is our shared victory.  It gives me the courage to jump out of the plane.  My family is waiting down on the ground for my parachute.  Why am I still mulling things over in the plane? 

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I never even told anyone that I was engaged.  This is probably the news blurb of the century (because my world does indeed revolve around me) or at least enough to make my family say, "Come again?"

Yes, people, I was engaged.  And I was indeed supposed to get married yesterday, but this morning I woke up a single woman.  So sad.  No worries, though.  Instead of going on my honeymoon today, I'm going to a cookout.  But I feel the need to tell everyone what the wedding would've been like had it happened yesterday.

The dress is both contemporary and traditional, something I finally designed myself after going through countless bridal magazines and visiting one too many boutiques.  The officiate was the same minister that married my parents.  True, that marriage ended in divorce, but I came out of it, which was a pretty good deal.  Anyway, I have a habit of being nostalgic about things like that.  Lilies everywhere.  I think roses are far too overdone.  I dare not have one at my wedding.  Three bridesmaids, one maid of honor.  Location -- the backyard of my dad's house.  Four acres of land and beautiful grounds.  I've never found another site to rival it.  A wine bar around the pool, which has lanterns overhanging it, and a small fountain in the middle.  Then the reception in what I can only describe as a "celebrity" tent.  Four-tiered cake, white with lilies surrounding each tier.  Godiva favors for the guests, replica wedding cake Godiva candies for the bridal party.  Everyone would be shuttled to the house by limousine.  Parking would be at the elementary school down the street, with ushers checking off the guest list as the guests entered the cars.  We dance our first dance, have a great time with our family and friends, then ride off into the night in a white, classic Bentley.  It would have been a great day.

So, yes, I was engaged.  Engaged in the planning and preparing of this wedding.  I signed up for some bridal websites, and I gave all of themthe date of 06.30.07.  But, seriously, you didn't miss any announcements.  I've never been engaged to be married.  I just like knowing that when the time comes, I'll be prepared.  I do hope it's relatively soon, though.  The older I get, the worse that dress is going to look on me. 

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I'm finally getting a second alone to write about all the craziness that has been going on in my life.  First of all, I'd like to offer an apology to this blog, because it has been severely neglected. 

You know I love you, boo.  For real.  No baby, I haven't been messin around on you.  I wouldn't do that.  I do too love you.  You trippin.  You saw me where?  Doin what?  Oh, your boy saw me.  Mmm-hmm.  You know he just jealous.  He always be tryin to break us up and shit.  Don't let the haters win, baby.  Don't let the haters win.

Now that I've handled that situation, let me tell you what I have been up to.  First of all, I moved.  I got me a house, y'all.  It's the craziest thing.  There are so many things that need to be done to it because it's an oldie but goodie, so all the employees of the Perring Pkwy Home Depot know us.  This weekend we're supposed to be working on the yard, but it's looking like rain so we'll just have to wait and see.  We wanted to pull a little gathering together for the Fourth, but more and more I just want to chill out with the family.  I have a checklist of projects for the house.  Completion time = three years.  I'm not kidding.  And we're already behind.

Secondly, I finished my play and went back to my calendar/artist handbook project that I was working on before bwws (black words and white spaces).  I'm also trying to find money to produce the play, which is a tedious process.  I'm still writing the odd article or personal essay, but to be quite honest I can't get my brain out of business mode long enough to be truly creative right now.  That scares me. 

I'm crazy stressed out about my income situation (you know the one -- where income always seems to be less than output). I'm looking for something that takes care of everything, so I'm not wasting an hour a day figuring out the best way to rob Peter.  With everything else that's going on, I don't have time to really work my writing services business, which sucks.  But I do realize that nothing will change until I decide to make that a priority in my life.  So, I guess my income is my fault.  That's a hard pill to swallow.

On to happier things.  Marshall is officially in first grade, which makes me feel a little old.  He's in summer camp, and he's generally pretty happy about the directions we're taking as a family.  We planted a flower garden that he waters everyday, and he loves to ride his bike and play with his friends who live down the street.  He still has his famous temper, the unfortunate result of two biological parents with terrible tempers and one voluntary parent who can roar with the best of 'em, but we're working on it.  We're trying meditation as a family.  I'll let you know how that works out for us.

My cousin moved in with us after graduating in May, and she's frustrated because she's not working yet.  I told her that the market is very competitive, especially when it's saturated with recent grads, as it is right now.  I'm confident she will find something very soon.  These things just take time.  I know better than just about anyone. 

And love.  Love feels like the hard work that it is right now.  It's been challenging, but we're both determined to see it through, which means the world to me.  We're in a growth period as individuals right now, which always comes with a bunch of questions with no clear answers.  However, the fact that we are going through the same thing at the same time is very refreshing.  We may not be on the same page, but we're reading at the same rate.  He thinks we're good.  I'll follow his lead.

Well, everyone is finally starting to get up and face the day around here, so I need to start taking care of my responsibilities.  I really do love you.  C'mon now, you know I ain't left you.  I was just takin care of my bidness.

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In the past few years the following have been some of my New Year's resolutions:

gain weight, lose weight, find a job, quit a job, write a book, write a play, produce a play, write a movie, gain a lover, lose a lover, explore my sexuality, become celibate, grow as a Christian, grow as a person, become selfless, say NO MORE with authority

I'm tired by just the re-hashing.  And I'm over it.

As of today, December 29, 2006, I am unresolved.  If I were to write out a set of resolutions for 2007, they would look a lot like the resolutions for this past year.  What does that mean?  Do resolutions mean anything anymore?  Did they ever mean anything to begin with? 

I'd like to think of a time before I was born when people wrote down their resolutions for the New Year, and at the end of the year they had tackled every item on their list, thus becoming a better person.  The problem is, I don't really believe that this era ever existed.  I do believe that we each strive to become better beings, but we do this every day. 

Do we truly need champagne-fueled lists and lovers' kisses to do in January 2007 what we knew we needed to do in May 2005?  Of course not.  I have not tackled every item on my Resolution 2006 list because something came up -- my life.  It was filled with the same things it is filled with every year that I have existed.  There were triumphs and setbacks, victories and hurdles, love and loss, first times and final times.  Life happened while I was sitting down planning my life, telling myself what I could focus on and what I needed to wait on.  The things to which I said WAIT said NO.  The things to which I said NOW said NO.  I cried, I screamed, I went on white chocolate raspberry ice cream binges over my plans being ruined at every step.  I wanted to hurt people.  I wanted to slip myself under my covers and never ever get out of my bed again. 

Resolution 2006 was torn into many unrecognizable pieces and thrown away.  Today, I think about how easily I let Resolution 2006 go.  I just tore it up and threw it away.  At most, it took about 45 seconds.  They didn't fit my life.  They stayed constant when my world was in a state of flux.  Resolution 2006 = square peg.  Life 2006 = round hole.  This year, the year that I let go of resolutions, was the year I let God be the solution in my life.  Life 2006 may have been a round hole, but next year it just may be an octagon or parallelogram.  God for Eternity is the only solution that always adjusts to fit. 

Life 2007 -- a blessing.

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There’s a fair amount of down time at my job, and so I have taken to reading bible verses online (www.BibleGateway.com) to decrease the amount of idle time available to me and to think about things that are beneficial to my life.  Today I was reading from the fourth chapter of 1John and came across the following:

God is love.  Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them.  This is how love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment:  In this world we are like Jesus.  There is no fear in love.  But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment.  The one who fears is not made perfect in love.  (1John 4:16-18)

A few days ago I posed a few questions about fear.  I was not surprised when no one responded or sent an email.  The simple act of creating a dialogue centered around fear causes great apprehension, on my part and, apparently, yours as well.  Be that as it may, I feel it is important to venture once again into this territory. 

When I was putting together Under Every Deep last year, I had a very difficult time with my dedication page.  There were so many people pushing me and supporting me, and a number of ancestor spirits who huddled around to protect my creative space.  I lingered on that one page for weeks; long after the poems were edited, the cover designed, and the website set up for business.  Finally, on a day a lot like this in early December, I realized that it was not my lack of inspiration that kept me from finishing this last item on my to-do list.  It was fear.  Fear telling me that my writing was not good enough, that my ideas were not profound.  I was not intellectual, accessible, right-minded, conservative, liberal, drunk enough or sober enough to pull this thing off.  The book would be a failure because I was a failure.  When the book failed to reach an audience, those who kept telling me that writing is just a hobby, and who did I think I was to think I could live a creative life, would be right.  I was afraid that I was not following God’s purpose, but Satan’s pipedream.  Could I trust my inner compass if I found this to be the case?  So, I dedicated my book “To Fear – I am eternally grateful for its continuing challenge,” and sent it to print. 

The book has sold horribly.  My family didn’t even take the time to purchase it.  I doubt that those who have purchased it have read it through (and it’s only 88 pages).  But, I am still a writer.  I have moved on to other projects, and through prayer I have found that mywords are indeed God’s purpose for my life.  If I had not gone through with completing the book, I would not have learned the many hard lessons I needed to learn about the business of writing and publishing.  I would not know how much money and the kind of people it takes to create a successful product.  I would not have even learned when to cease looking at my writing as a creative endeavor, and start viewing it as intellectual property, a valuable asset, a product.  Yes, this was all learned in failure, but not in fear. 

My grandmother, the poet, constantly tells me, “Ni-ni, nothin’ beats a failure but a try.”  To my friends in cyber- and actual-space, I have a vested interest in exploring fear.  I hope to have one-on-one conversations as well as public debate, because I believe very deeply that fear will only release us when we release it.  I invite you to use your words.

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