My Sanctuary

Subject: The Simple Pleasures.
Time: 2:43:36 PM EDT
Author:  lawgoddess2004
Mood:  Happy

As adults, we have a way of over looking the simple pleasures in life. I readily admit I have done that more times that I care to recognize. You find yourself raising children, working until your weary, attempting to complete that final paper for your law class on time, and so on and so forth.

It took a mere moment this weekend to realize how much I've missed not taking a time out. Mark and I sat on his front porch enjoying a cup of coffee when it hit me. The breeze was light and I could pick up the lazy scent of the large lilac bush that rested on the back end of his house. I sighed. Many times I found myself wondering what simple peace felt like over the past six years and never knowing. 

It's that time where all the tasks you have to do fade for a while, and you have been blessed with a deep sense of comfort laced with unadulterated joy. It's rare to most people, fleeting to some that have had the privilege to taste it's sweetness, and longed for by the most desperate of man.

Mark is my ultimate simple pleasure. He is a man that has brought me back from a dark place that I never thought I would be able to grow out of again. I was resolved, and locked my heart away. I couldn't put myself out there again, not like I had only to have my spirit caged and crushed. Slowly though, he gained my trust and before I knew it, I found myself craving to be a part of his life and the lives of his girls. I know that after a difficult day, all he has to say to me is "Hey you.....everything will be okay." And it has. 

It was okay when he drove to a hospital that he had never been to before and held my hand as the doctor looked over me after my accident. It was okay, despite the fact that his eyes misted over when we saw each other and I felt instant relief at his presence. It was okay when he drove me from Akron Children's to get my car after my daughter had been admitted for being very ill. Despite all the circumstances we have found ourselves in, it has all be okay.

The simple pleasures help makeit all okay. When you feel like the world is against you, your stress is overwhelming, you wonder how your going to pay 67.00 for that next full tank of gas...remember the simple pleasures in life.

My simple pleasures? A good cup of coffee with caramel creamer. My children giggling fiercely as they wheel themselves around in a dirty wheelbarrow as I look on from the porch. Passionate discussions, longing glances full of desire, a good night sleep, Ambocrombie and Fitch posses from Mark, getting scared by a large rubber rat that the children find joy in torturing me with, and....the simple sounds of a cowbell that my six year old takes great joy in banging.

What are your simple pleasures?

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Subject: neat!
Time: 11:00:12 AM EST
Author:  lawgoddess2004

And my best friend

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Time: 10:13:21 AM EST
Author:  lawgoddess2004

All I Know

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Subject: Adventures of a Dating Mom
Time: 10:11:42 AM EST
Author:  lawgoddess2004

It's been a while since I was out on the 'scene'. Can I just be honest here? I feel so out of place that it's not humorous in the least sense of the word. To say things have changed is an understatement. The age range of the men that I have had dates with are 40 and above....and things change. I know....I know I keep saying that...but I'm flabbergasted.

Are there any rules anymore? Back when I was younger...20's...there were somethings that I thought would stand the test of time. The gentleman opens the doors, he picks up the tab, picks you up...so on and so forth. Now a days, its more of a two way street. You meet somewhere public, share the tab, and everything is split pretty evenly. I guess the days are gone...the traditional days.

With us...the dating middle agers...there are bound to be issues. Now, those issues can vary from ex's to kids to financial classes.....all sorts of things.

A lot of you know that I'm close to my mom....I talk to her about everything because I value her opinion so much. She laughed with me, has cried with me, and has told me to remember that I am a valuable woman first and foremost. What ever guy that comes along and we click is lucky to have me. I love mom just for that reason...she's one of the best liars I know. *Kidding!!!*

There are so many obstacles to over come in this world of modern dating....especially for us 'seasoned' men and women. However, the quest for love is never ending and the longing to wake up with someone that keeps you warm emotionally and physically is a basic human desire. Keeping your head up is one of the toughest things you will ever have to do. Keep searching...keep looking...for they are out there somewhere...just waiting for you to find them.

Michal

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Subject: Woah to the rest of my day
Time: 9:22:17 PM EDT
Author:  lawgoddess2004

I'm a nanny to a wonderful family during the day.  Some of you know that.  Today was typical, except for this afternoon when the little 18 month old I watch got hurt.  I put her in her high chair and the tray was not secure....she pushed the tray fell out of her chair and hit her head on the maple dining table. 

The first thing I saw was the cut above her eyebrow.  It was deep and not bleeding...signs of 'not good'.  I was shocked mentally...how could I let this happen.  Well, she must have sensed my mood because she did not cry at all!  I was cradling her, holding her and telling her it was alright while calling her parents. 

These people...let's just say I've never met any two people so calm.  They asked to describe the cut, and I did...and they said it would be fine.  They were actually calming me down because I was so upset that something happened to this little angel in my care.  Char turned out great, was laughing and playing with me after I let her down...she had to wiggle to get me to get the point. 

Only after I hung up the phone from talking to the parents did I realize that I was severely shaking.  No more coffee for me today.

Olivia still has her cough, but feeling better.  I did get the Vicks and night time medicine and she is fast asleep now. 

I bought a Bible this evening.  It's a Life Application Bible and supposed to be very good.  I had one, but I believe my soon to be ex gave it away.  There's an urge that I'm feeling to read the book.  I believe in that 'inner' voice being the Holy Spirit....so...I'm going to listen this time.

Things in my life are dramatic, but normal.  I believe that God is attempting to tell me to listen to that still, small voice that is in me.  My goal for this week is to find a Women's Bible Study online or get a book that will help me.

Michal

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Subject: Shaking Head
Time: 10:22:13 AM EDT
Author:  lawgoddess2004

Hi there!  It's been an interesting morning to say the least.  Olivia and Brandon spent the night at their father's house and I picked up Olivia today before I came to work.  The poor little thing is sick, so it's time to pull out the sick kid game plan which includes tylenol and vicks. 

They were staples in my house until I remembered I moved and he had everything!  LOL.  So, I went out and bought the tylenol, but the Vicks will have to wait until tonight.  She's doing okay, but not great with a bad head cold and cough.  She's clingy when she's sick something that I actually love because normally she's like a cat...very independent. 

I'm wanting to get a cool mist humidifier, the Vicks type so I can put it in her room at night.  I've heard that the cool mist is better than the warm as far as spreading germs, so we will give it a go.  Anything that makes her feel better.....will help everyone in the house.  If you've had the pleasure of a sick two year old, you know they can get a little cranky so to speak.

I'm looking forward to going through Boo's bookbag after work.  It might sound strange, but I do enjoy seeing what he is doing and viewing what the school is trying to get me to sell or trying to get me to buy.  *rolls eyes*  Even if I vote for the upcoming school levy, I doubt the sell me buy me flyers will cease to exist.  There is no more free public education...that is obvious.

Tonight's dinner is chicken.  What to do with it, I have no idea.  I do know that it's going to have to be easy because I'm usually whipped by the time dinner comes around.  Fortunately, the men in my life are not picky as long as it's hot and tastes like something that's edible.....they are content. 

I'm out of here now....remind me to tell you the story of a game that my oldest children play.  'Safety' and 'Doorknob'...and yes....it deals with passing gas.  :/

 

Michal

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Subject: Thanks
Time: 7:42:16 PM EDT
Author:  lawgoddess2004

Thanks for all your advice concerning my feet and hands.  I'll attempt to slather myself with Vaseline and report my findings.  lol

I'm so tired tonight...emotionally more than physically.  It comes on all of a sudden, wiping me of all emotion except anger towards 'him'.  The most irritating thing about being a victim of emotional abuse for me is wanting to put him through what he put me through....the breaking of my soul....the re wiring of my thoughts.....loosing who I was.  God, I wish I could vindicate somehow for that.  But, why honestly?

I'm away from him, that should be good enough.  However, at times such as these where I burst into angry tears, I just want to yell and bitch and make him hurt.  Hurt like I hurt.  He had no right to do what he did...call me those names....make me shiver in fear in the corner of the bathroom....make me fear.  No one human should have that power over another.  I know it happens all too much.  Women accept the circumstance and never get out before it's too late.  It took all I had to tell him I wanted out.  Night after night of throwing up getting physically ill waiting for him to come home was the final straw. 

I lost so much.  To get out...I did something I would never thought I would do.  And, afterwards I sit here upset at myself as well as him.  I've been a religious woman, having a relationship with God.  Now I wonder if I can get that back without feeling like I've committed a sin that can not be forgiven.  I broke my vows...but my own pastor told me that he broke his vows the night he shoved me into a television set.  He broke his vows when he belittled me, tore me down, and crushed my spirit.  I put up with it for five years...which to many may not seem like much....but to me felt like an utter eternity.

At times I wonder when that day will come when I will be truly free.  I know it's coming, I can feel it...the time does approach....but will only occur when I complete my 'steps' to help get me back to me.  The dissolution...the paperwork will be filed next week.  He wanted a dissolution instead of a divorce because his history would come to light.  I just want out with what I deserve.  The kids and child support to help with their expenses.  It seems so cut and dry....so easy with a dissolution that what is the point of getting married?  My next step that's developing is searching to gain my relationship back with God.  I know it can happen, it's just looking up admitting to my sin and deep down know that He forgives me for what I've done.  I left.  To save me and my children, I left a marriage that was supposed to work DAMN IT!  He promised to me he would protect me and my children, love us, cherish us.  He did none of that.  How dare he do that?  We deserve at least that from him.  Demand it if he wanted so badly to be part of our lives.  It's so unfair....

*Sigh*  I really just need to bury the past...and move on.  Perhaps the last mementos of our life together should be buried with my broken heart.  It's time to let the past blur and realize what I have now...........I think it's time, don't you?

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Subject: Dry Feet and Hands
Time: 4:32:49 PM EDT
Author:  lawgoddess2004

Now that Fall is officially here, my ritualistic problem as arrived as well.  Dry and cracked feet and hands.  I have searched over and over for a product that will help and is strong.  Here's where I'm looking for help.  If any of you can recomend something that I can try....please do!

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Subject: Sunday
Time: 10:46:29 AM EDT
Author:  lawgoddess2004
Mood:  Frustrated
Music:  T.V.

As a mother, at times I sit and get frustrated.  I'm not saying this to be mean or callous towards my family....but....if I'm honest, I get frustrated!  There's always something to pick up, straighten, and make....and there are times where it feels all the members of my family are just sitting there waiting for me to serve.  Shakes head. 

I know where it stems from...this urge to be perfect and have everything appear perfect.  From my last marriage, and I wish I could erase that perfectionist urge that has now found a home in my head.  Relax...that's what I hear the most.  How can I after I've been wired to go around and pick up to the point of obsession....only to have it be not good enough.

I wonder when the first thought in my head won't be....is it good enough?  I'm jealous of people that can just let things go. Let the dishes go for the afternoon, let laundry pile up a little to high, watch a movie without worrying about the mess the kids are making in their room with their toys.  Yet, that's not me now.  It didn't always used to be me, now it is and I don't know how to rid myself of the demons implanted in my head by a soon to be ex husband that still controls my thoughts.  I hate him for that....I really do.

Stop being the victim...I have in some ways.  I left, moved on, and can actually smile more than ever.  Yet, the haunting of my past and his words are still there.....and I think to a sad realization always will be in some regard.

I'm attempting to get more people to come to my blog.  If you want your blog listed here, let me know and I'll put it up for you!

Michal

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Subject: A Note to the New Woman
Time: 8:06:36 PM EDT
Author:  lawgoddess2004

New Life yet again

Many of you know that I've separated from my soon to be ex husband.  It took a lot of courage to do so, more than you'll ever know.  However, somehow I did it and had some courage to spare.

I was seriously emotionally abused.  So much so, that I can't talk about it without getting angry or with out tears forming in the corners of my eyes.  What he did, how he crumbled my spirit, how he made me feel.....was just not correct.  He should be jailed, and he was for a physical incident.  Yet, I believed his lies and continued our marraige together.

He is paying for a dissolution after he didn't want a divorce in the first place.  My assumption is that he has met someone, and I found out this weekend that he had.  You know what I did first?  I prayed for that woman and her two children.  I prayed for her to have intelligence and wisdom when dealing with him.  I prayed that she would notice if he went off his meds, I prayed that she had strength enough to verbally attack back if he ever told her that she was not worth the body she was in.  I prayed....and I wept at the thought of this man doing to another what he did to me. 

I am so scared for her.  I am scared for me...because I realized this weekend that what happened, what he said to me, what he did to me...was not my fault.  I am worthy to be loved, I am good enough, and I am a woman of God.  He broke my spirit, but I am free from his cage.  I am free to express myself without worrying about the verbal slap I would get.  I am free to spend my money how I see fit.  I am free...to rest at night without looking out the window with fear of his arrival. 

I admit that I am free of all this terror....but now the question is....who am I?

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