My Sanctuary

Thanks for all your advice concerning my feet and hands.  I'll attempt to slather myself with Vaseline and report my findings.  lol

I'm so tired tonight...emotionally more than physically.  It comes on all of a sudden, wiping me of all emotion except anger towards 'him'.  The most irritating thing about being a victim of emotional abuse for me is wanting to put him through what he put me through....the breaking of my soul....the re wiring of my thoughts.....loosing who I was.  God, I wish I could vindicate somehow for that.  But, why honestly?

I'm away from him, that should be good enough.  However, at times such as these where I burst into angry tears, I just want to yell and bitch and make him hurt.  Hurt like I hurt.  He had no right to do what he did...call me those names....make me shiver in fear in the corner of the bathroom....make me fear.  No one human should have that power over another.  I know it happens all too much.  Women accept the circumstance and never get out before it's too late.  It took all I had to tell him I wanted out.  Night after night of throwing up getting physically ill waiting for him to come home was the final straw. 

I lost so much.  To get out...I did something I would never thought I would do.  And, afterwards I sit here upset at myself as well as him.  I've been a religious woman, having a relationship with God.  Now I wonder if I can get that back without feeling like I've committed a sin that can not be forgiven.  I broke my vows...but my own pastor told me that he broke his vows the night he shoved me into a television set.  He broke his vows when he belittled me, tore me down, and crushed my spirit.  I put up with it for five years...which to many may not seem like much....but to me felt like an utter eternity.

At times I wonder when that day will come when I will be truly free.  I know it's coming, I can feel it...the time does approach....but will only occur when I complete my 'steps' to help get me back to me.  The dissolution...the paperwork will be filed next week.  He wanted a dissolution instead of a divorce because his history would come to light.  I just want out with what I deserve.  The kids and child support to help with their expenses.  It seems so cut and dry....so easy with a dissolution that what is the point of getting married?  My next step that's developing is searching to gain my relationship back with God.  I know it can happen, it's just looking up admitting to my sin and deep down know that He forgives me for what I've done.  I left.  To save me and my children, I left a marriage that was supposed to work DAMN IT!  He promised to me he would protect me and my children, love us, cherish us.  He did none of that.  How dare he do that?  We deserve at least that from him.  Demand it if he wanted so badly to be part of our lives.  It's so unfair....

*Sigh*  I really just need to bury the past...and move on.  Perhaps the last mementos of our life together should be buried with my broken heart.  It's time to let the past blur and realize what I have now...........I think it's time, don't you?

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• #2 Comment from mamaof4qts 
  10/17/07 3:33 PM | Permalink

  (((((HUGS)))))
  Jami
• #1 Comment from emabecmar 
  10/16/07 8:15 PM | Permalink

  coming your way through another journal and wanted to stop by and say hi. i have added you to my alerts and will be back for another visit. Have a nice evening.
  Cindy
  http://journals.aol.com/emabecmar/CindysLife/