Right back to where I started!!!

2:31:15 PM EDT
Feeling Happy
Hearing None

I am so not good at keeping secrets.....

It seems as if there are a few people in J-Land keeping secrets *Kathi**Partner in Crime* What is your secret??? Dont tell me I have a hard time keeping secrets (hehe)

I have had a headache for two days now.  I think that it is due to cutting pop out of my diet.  I think that I am having MAJOR caffiene withdrawls.  I might just have to have some pop to make this headache stop!!!

I have caught the bug.......The love bug (hehe) I am actually not in LOVE so to speak.  But I am very interested in someone.  Very interested....... He is so not my type though.  Maybe I have just been looking for love in all the wrong places.  Maybe I needed to stop being so picky.  Well I did all that and found someone.  Someone very special.......

                              

So that is my secret.....I am now joining the women of J-Land that are married to, or involved with military men.  A soldier stole my heart, and I am not intending on looking for it anytime soon.  There is only a few problems with my new found relationship.... We only have one weekend a month that we are able to spend together because he is stationed in New York and I am here in Michigan.  But we are using all this phone time to really get to know eachother. 

He is getting deployed this Feb.  and that really scares me.  But like he said that is just more time for us to use the phone and letters to get to know eachother so much better.  I agree.  So now that you all know my secret......I expect to hear some of yours...... I have to go now and get ready for work.....

Lots of Hugs and Love

Chelle

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3:18:53 PM EDT
Feeling Happy
Hearing None

Have you ever felt flipped and turned..... Well I am having them feelings again... and I am wondering when it will ever get better!!!!

I went to visit Karl the other night... (Karl is Stephaines Hubby) It was fun we went to Buffalo Wild Wings and watched Sports (Okay okay I admit it Im a chick that LOVES sports) We had a blast him and I have alot in common.  My Steph hasn't been doing all that great lately, she has been feeling a little depressed.  But guess what... SHE IS HERE IN MICHIGAN... I cant wait to go and see her.. I didnt make it out there last night like planned!!! I am heading out there on Monday.... so LOOK for that update and pictures, my FIRST J-Land meeting I am soooo excited.  I Thank God everyday for Steph and J-Land.. I met my lifer best friend and I never would have if I never started this journal!!!!

I just want to take a second to tell Steph that I LOVE YOU AND I AM SOO GLAD THAT YOU ARE HERE!!!

Okay......

My secret..... I am not ready to share it completly yet I still dont want to jinks it (hehe) Though I know that you are all going to just be so happy (hehe) and I might have to come and pick a few of you off the floor (haha)

A little clue is that I have decided to join a secret society of J-land women I have decided to become one of them (haha) I am leaving little clues in comment sections....

Its like a little game......

So now you have two clues......

1. I asked Danielle for help

2. I am joining some J-Land women

**GIGGLES**

I love secrets!!!!!

Okay all I have to run......

Love and Hugs

Chelle

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11:09:43 AM EDT
Feeling Happy
Hearing None

Hey all.......

I have been busy as a bee and I havent had that much time to get online....but here I am!!!!

First of all I have to say thanks to Kell and Jessica for the super cute glitter names in my all about me section... They look awesome dont they????

Next a mini update....so Amber is now 8 and I took her camping for the night to celebrate.  We had a BLAST needless to say she is growing up and has a wonderful 8 year old attitude.  I have been spending alot more time with my girlfriend Chris... We are just having so much fun together...

Guess who's here....KARL my Steph's husband....YIPPIE that means that she isnt that far behind.  I am going to meet with Karl tonight to hang out for a bit and then my STEPH will be here on FRIDAY I am sooooo excited I could just SCREAM!!! I will fill you all in on my meeting with him and I will fill you all in on my meeting with Steph and I will add pictures.  My very first meeting from J-Land.

I have a secret....... I cant tell you all yet though.  I am waiting for help from a special friend......Danielle (shhhhhhh) Anyhow I must run I have to shower before work.....

Hugs and Kisses to all

Chelle

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4:48:12 PM EDT
Feeling Happy
Hearing NONE

What I ment in my last entry......

I ment can someone make me a cute sparkle name for my all about me section.... The last one that I had was made by Tricia and it was lost when my computer crashed!!!! I need to make my journal look hott again!!!!!

Thanks a bunch.......

Love ya all lots...

Chelle

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4:39:29 PM EDT
Feeling Happy
Hearing None

Make me a new name for my all about me section????

<---------------------

My old one is LOST forever!!!!

Thanks Chelle

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4:37:20 PM EDT
Feeling Happy
Hearing None

Last night I decided to stop at a friends house after work and stayed there until about 2a.m. I was having a good time... My "friend" was out playing cards.  I got home and crawled into bed holding my phone waiting for our late night chat to start.... He texted me and we got to talking and I decided that I needed to go there so that we could talk face to face.  I went there and we sat and talked on the couch....  I kept touching him rubbing his back and neck.  It is really hard not to touch him being that I am so sexually drawn to him!!!! We talked and talked and talked for hours.  It was really nice to get all of that off my chest and to hear what he was thinking and doing it made me feel really good and complete.

Did we have sex???? Yes we did I know that I said that it was wrong for me to do that but I couldnt help it.... The way that I am looking at this whole situation is that how can I find mister right if I keep holding back.  I now understand the whole girlfriend thing and am sure that it will be coming to an end soon than I thought. I will still not become his girlfriend but who knows!!!! We talked about his girlfriend and their relationship for the past year.  They have never told eachother that they loved eachother.  After four years if you havent taken that step than you probably never will.  He told me that she is his friend and he is scared to lose that.  He told me that he feels comfortable enough to talk to me because I have proven myself to not judge him.  I told him that in fact I have judged him alot actually and it was wrong of me but I was an outsider till last night that I didnt really know what was going on till he sat and told me!!!!

I feel this closeness to him that I havent felt for ANYONE before and I mean anyone.  It is not like I love him or anything I just feel like we are going to have a really good friendship.  Him and I agreed to just keep out relationship on a strickly friend level.  Possible friend with benifits when him and the girlfriend break up.

So we are laying in bed and he flips the TV on and it is like good morning america or something and the story that comes on is about Jude Law being a cheater and that 21% of american males are prone to cheating at least once in their lives and that 11% of then are repeat cheaters.  I just looked at him and said theres my sign I am going home.  Funny how things happen huh!!!!

Anyhow I must go and get to work now so I will catch up will all of you tomorrow I hope!!!!!

Lots of Hugs and Love.......

Chelle

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3:54:51 PM EDT
Feeling Sad

.......These are the DAYS OF MY LIFE!!!!!

So here I am again.....still on an emotional roller coaster.... THANK YOU to my AWESOME friends that gave me their 2 cents in this matter.....And a special thank you to my Danielle for her EYE OPENING email to me about my current situation!!

What I have to say is that I do like my friend ALOT.... Yeah I was originally physcially attracted to him however when I got to talking to him I was blown away.  He is smart, he is funny, he understands me........but he is a CHEATER.....but I am a CHEATER.....

Here is why I am here writing again......I was driving down the street and my phone rings.....it was you know who!!! Here was our conversation.......

Me: Hello

Him: I know what you are feeling right now!!!

Me: Ohh you do shurlock......whats that???

Him: You are feeling like you cant trust me!!!

Me: (taken back a little bit because that is what I was feeling) Oh yeah and why do  you say that???

Him: Well you know why here I have a girlfriend but the only woman I can think about is you....

Me: Aweeee Dont butter me up it isnt going to work.

Him: I am not trying to butter you up I just want you to know that I feel like I was supposed to meet you......

Me: Why so I can be the reason that you break up with ____! No thanks I dont want that hanging over my head I feel guilty enough!!!

Him: No I feel like I was supposed to meet you because I trust you I lean on you I open up to you like I have never ever done to anyone and I mean ANYONE before!!!

Me: Well that is what friends are for right!!!

Him: Well maybe someday we can be more than friends!

Me: I dont think so ______ I really like you and all but if you cheated on her you will do it to me too!!!!

Him: Can I see you??

Me: Not now I am rushing to get stuff done so that I can get to work on time ( OKAY So I lied)

Him: I want you to know all the truth!

Me: Oh so you already havent been honest with me??

Him: I have been honest with you about EVERYTHING except all the details of _____ and my relationship. I dont want y ou to think that I am this jerk off guy that cheats all the time. Trust me you do NOT deserve to be cheated on you are well worth more than that!!!

Me: Oh but I deserve to be the other woman though right? That makes no sense ______!

Him: Okay this conversation needs to take place in person can I please see you later.

Me: I dont know I will call you

Him: Bye and he hangs up.....

Little does he know that I recorded this conversation on my cell phone LOL trusty little cell phone (haha) I had to tell you all word for word because he was soooo in my head!!!!

Anyways I am a little bit interested in what he has to say however I know that going over there after work will lead to sex and sex will lead to more hurt and guilty feelings!!!! But I really do have to shower for work so if I choose to go there I will fill you all in on what happens.

Okay and to the comment of FOLLOW YOUR HEART!!!! You are right I need to however my heart has lied before so I need to play this one smart!!!!  So I am going to follow my GUT and see if it leads to my heart!!!!

LOVE YOU ALL

Chelle

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1:39:25 PM EDT
Feeling Sad
Hearing We Belong Together~Mariah Carey

                       

Chelle is in some DESPERATE need of TLC!!!!

So I have been on a serious emotional roller coaster the past few days.  The man that I have been seeing has a girlfriend.  A girlfriend of four years.  Everyone has told me that him and the girlfriend are headed for breakup.  Though no one knows that we see eachother.  We have kept our relationship a good secret!!!!  Well when I met him I knew that he had a girlfriend but there was something about him that really just drew me to him.  I still have that instant attraction to him everytime he is near me.  So we became friends really good friends actually.  We would stay up late and talk on the phone or text message till all hours of the night.  The more that I learned about him th e more attracted to him I was.  We began a more intimate relationship after that and I just started to have more and more feelings for him though I kept telling myself that I couldnt get attached that I was just there for a fun relationship!!!!

Well you cant help who you care about.  And the one that I care about happens to have a girlfriend.  So I started to feel really guilty about everything, especially her.  So I told him that I thought that it would be better if we just didnt see eachother anymore!!! I told him that we could be friends but we couldnt be intimate anymore until him and the girlfriend broke up!!!  He broke down and told me that he hasnt loved his girlfriend in a year he stays with her because he is comfortable, and that she isnt a secure girl.  She has a lot of insecurities, and he didnt want to ruin her.  I just cried, and left.  A few days later we talked and I told him that if he dont care about her than that isnt going to change, that if he isnt happy than he needed to stop the situation!!!  That staying in that relationship isnt going to help and the longer that he stayed the more hurt she would be in the end.  He told me that I was right.  And I am right alot..........But he needed to make this decision by himself.  Which is TRUE!!!!!

So I cut myself off from him all together, friend and all!!! And it sucks, BAD..... I miss him!!!  So last night I text him that I am sad and that I miss our late night talks. He texted me back that he is unhappy too but he needs to so this alone, we talked for a few and that was it.  I woke up this am to 9 text messages on my phone.  He asked me that if he didnt have a girlfriend would I want to be more than just friends with him.  I have to say that NO I wouldnt want to be his girlfriend because look how easy it was for him to come to me and sleep with me...... He will do that to me too.  

QUESTION: If a man cheats on his long term girlfriend, with you....and then you become the girlfriend....Can he really be trusted?????  Or is the old saying true.....If you cheated on her you'll do it to me?????

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE to all my friends......your opinions are all so important to me however I cant take any judgement though all of your opinions matter to me........ I know that what I did is wrong.... trust me I feel very guilty... That is why I stopped when I did.  However what is done is done and feelings are there and now I need to know what to do!!!!

Thanks all for listening....when it comes down to it my J-Land friends are the best!!!!

PJ, Jimmy and Braxton.....I could really use a mans input on this issue......Danielle thanks for being the beginning of all this I APPRICATE you and your friendship!!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NOW FOR THE GOOD STUFF!!!!!!!!!

KID UPDATE........

Devon~ Is almost 11 she is starting to want to be GIRLIE...she is checking out boys and has now been LOCKED in her room..... HEHE no really she is doing wonderful but yeah TOTALLY boy crazy but what little girlie girl isnt.... I have a secret about her but shhhhhh dont tell her.....she started her period.... She started and then hid it from me for three months.  She told me that shedidnt want me to know because she knew that I would tell everyone!!! Ahhh she knows me so well.....I was pretty FREAKED out to learn so to speak... she is 10 I think that they are putting something in the water her to get lil girls to develop quicker!!!!  JAY*****we are coming to LONDON hehehheheheheh!!!!!

Amber is about to be 8 in a week....she is getting excited and is planning the birthday party of the year...it will be the best social gathering...she even invited Paris......Paris Matthews that is hehehhehehehhehe Anyhow she got her hair cut and it looks like CRAP though I tell her how beautiful it is everyday.... Other than that she is quiet......

Caleb is almost 5 and is sooo looking forward to going to Kindergarden....His daddy is being a jerk and so Caleb is taking it out on the rest of the house so he is in TERROR MODE!!!! I have been spending ALOT of time over at my girlfriend Chris's house with her three sons so that my boy isnt the only boy around....He has been LOVING it needless to say....

MOM update....Yeah thats me I have lost about 25 pounds over the summer and am trying to lose more.....

Anyhow it is pretty nice outside so I am going to spend sometime outside.......Talk to you all soon and I am looking forward to hearing from you all!!!!

LOTS OF LOVE AND HUGS

Chelle

 

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2:58:56 PM EDT
Feeling Happy
Hearing None

I have so much on my mind right now!!!

Have you ever felt like you are doing something so wrong, and yet you cant stop yourself from doing it?

WOW do I have that feeling right now!!!

Over the past month I have had so many torn feelings in my head and in my heart!!!  I am confused to say the least!!! Life can be so confusing....

I know that I am not making any sense right now but I needed to get all this off my chest.  And I really dont have anyone that I can just talk to about what is going on right now, except Steph.... who is busy like a bee packing and moving I wouldnt feel right to tie her down with my drama when she has sooo much going on in her own life!!!

I am a FIRM believer in you cant help who you care about.... I just cant understand why I end up caring about the wrong people!!!!!

Anyhow.....I am going to go again...

LOVE YOU ALL

Chelle

ps I will do a kid entry soon...they are doing WONDERFUL thanks for asking!!!!!!

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12:35:48 PM EDT
Feeling Happy
Hearing None

..........something must be wrong!!!! HEHE

I really forgot how much I missed being online until I jumped on here for a few the other day!!! Now all that I can think about is what is everyone doing!!!

The reason that I backed away was simple....I needed to do a little bit of soul searching....I needed to find out where Chelle was because I couldnt find her.... I had turned into this girl that I really didnt even know.. And I didnt want that for myself!!!  I took a huge step back I took a big life inventory and I realized who alot of my friends are and who was going to be with me in the end!!!

I lost alot of friends during this whole Craig and Michelle thing!!!  I guess that they were never my friends to begin with huh!!!  Craig is crazy I will say it over and over again... But he is gone now!!!  He has now moved on to another girl to toy with and hurt and use..... Sucks to be here... Maybe when she has enough I will take her to get a PPO too!!!!

I have been spending alot of time with this guy that I met... It is funny the way that we met though I cant really write about it in here.  The reason is that I know that some people that live near me that know me and this guy read this journal!!! 

I want to tell you all the reason that I cant tell you why I cant write about him in here I am just a little bit scared to. I respect myself and I respect what you all think about me and that is why this one I might have too keep to myself!!!

Anyhow I am going to catch up on some journals now!!!!

Thanks to all that commented in my last entry letting me know that you are all still there and you all still love me really made me smile!!!!!

LOVE YOU ALL

Chelle

 

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