Life in the Fat Lane

 Did anybody happen to notice last week the picture God painted for us as we watched the events of the day unfold on every news station around the world? 

The portrait of three men's lives shown clearly through the events of their deaths. One a wise man, one a foolish man and one a wicked man.
 

Three men captured the world's attention by their lives and their deaths. Their funerals spoke volumes about the course of life they had chosen to pursue with the few short years God had granted to them.  God opened the Book of Proverbs and showed the world the truths contained in His sacred Word.

All three men, President Ford, James Brown and Sadam Hussein had choices in their destiny. Today they have all three stood in front of the God of this universe with those choices unveiled and judged. God allowed us to see three men last week.  

President Gerald Ford, a man whose faith in God and service to his country was eulogized by many speakers during the solemn and dignified ceremonies which marked his passing. A man of character and integrity, not perfect but made righteous by his faith in Jesus Christ. It was in this righteousness he lived out his life as a servant to his fellowman and his country. Great men and dignitaries attended his funeral. All coming to pay respect and honor to a man most deserving.

James Brown also was eulogized in a funeral ceremony befitting his life choices. There was blaring rock music, gyrating bodies, costumes, and great sensual displays of revelry to portray the contribution this man had given through his life to his fellowman. He lived a life of drugs, alcohol, immorality and rock music. He was heralded as the father of Rap music and the inspiration of Michael Jackson's greatness.  His funeral with all of its theatrics was befitting the excess of waste his life portrayed.

Then we had the gruesome hanging of Sadam Hussein. His death as gory as his life. A brutal murderer and dictator, hung by his neck and secreted away in the middle of the night to an unmarked grave.  Thousands of Iraqis celebrated his death for through his life he had brought untold misery and death to many.  A man so wicked that it seemed the world breathed a collective sigh ofrelief at the pronouncement of his death.

Three men, three men who left their mark on the entire world, three famous men. All three have now stood before their Creator to answer for the choices they made in their life as you and I will someday.

There is only one choice and Gerald Ford's life exemplifies the nobility of choosing to walk in harmony with The Creator through the acceptance of Jesus Christ as his Redeemer.

James Brown choose to walk in the flesh. His life's work glorified the flesh and his death magnified the flesh. 

Sadam Hussein choose evil. He was a narcissistic megalomaniac. His life glorified evil and his death was gruesome.

This all played out in one day. God painted a great picture for mankind to see.  I pray people got His message.

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OKAY, I'VE HAD IT.  SOMETHING HAS TO GIVE HERE.  LORD, WHATEVER LESSON IT IS YOU ARE TRYING TO TEACH ME, I'M SURE I'VE LEARNED IT BY NOW.  I CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE.  I'VE LEARNED HUMILITY; I'VE LEARNED TO BE FRUGAL, TO BE HUMBLE, TO BE MORE AWARE, AND MOSTLY I'VE LEARNED THAT I CANNOT LIVE LIKE THIS ANYMORE!!!!

POOR IS ONE THING.  BROKE IS ANOTHER.  WHEN I CANNOT AFFORD THE SIMPLEST THINGS IN LIFE, I FEEL LIKE IT'S TIME TO GIVE UP.  I WORKED ALL MY LIFE, AND DANGED HARD TOO!!  I DIDN'T ASK TO BE SICK!!  I WOULD RATHER BE HEALTHY AND WORKING THANK YOU!!

TODAY I WAS MORTIFIED YET AGAIN WHEN I DIDN'T HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO BUY THE BAREST ESSENTIALS AT THE GROCERY STORE.  I HAD TO PUT THINGS BACK AGAIN.  OF COURSE, I PUT THINGS BACK I DIDN'T HAVE TO HAVE.  MY DOGS ARE DEPRIVED ONCE AGAIN OF RAWHIDE CHEWS.  MAYBE THAT'S WHY THE TWO PUPS ARE CHEWING MY FURNITURE?  MY POOR HUSBAND LOST HIS ONLY SNACKS I HAD GOTTEN IN A LONG TIME: A CAN OF MIXED NUTS, A BAG OF SCOOPERS, AND I PUT BACK A BAG OF PRETZELS I HAD GOTTEN FOR MYSELF.

IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR?????  APPARENTLY IT IS!  I'VE BEEN PAYING FOR MY OWN MEDICINES LATELY AS MY INSURANCE IS MAXXED OUT.  I'VE BEEN IN THE HOSPITAL TWICE IN THE LAST MONTH.  I HAVE MORE TESTS YET TO BE DONE.  I MISSED LAST MONTHS HOUSE PAYMENT.  I CANNOT DO THIS ANYMORE!!!!!

I JUST WANT A NORMAL LIFE.  I DON'T NEED RICHES. I JUST WANT ENOUGH MONEY TO PAY MY BILLS AND BE ABLE TO BUY FOOD FOR MY FAMILY.  I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO TAKE CHANGE TO THE BANK TO PAY FOR MEDICINE.   I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO SELL MY LIFES POSSESSIONS ON EBAY TO GET EXTRA MONEY TO BUY MEDICATIONS AND PAY DOCTOR BILLS. 

IS THIS INSANITY EVER GOING TO END?  I CANNOT GET A JOB.  I CAN'T HOLD A JOB WITH MY HEALTH RECORD. 

IF ANY OF YOU KNOW OF SOMETHING I CAN DO FROM HOME ON MY COMPUTER PLEASE LET ME KNOW BY ALL MEANS!!!!!!!  I HAVE NO EXTRAS HERE; I DON'T BUY CLOTHES, SHOES, MAKEUP, ETC.  I NEED SO MANY THINGS THAT I CANNOT AFFORD.  A SIMPLE FRYING PAN IS WHAT I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS.  ONE THAT'S NON STICK.  MINE IS SHOT. 

I'LL DRIVE THE GETAWAY CARIF SOMEONE WANTS TO HELP ME ROB A BANK!  IT'S ALMOST COME TO THAT!  LORD, HELP US!  WE NEED YOU NOW MORE THAN EVER!

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So here I am, swimming around in my bowl, minding my own business, when suddenly, out of nowhere appears my brother, the shark!  His fin breaks water as he closes in for the kill, and with the blink of an eye; bam! He's got me!

That's how it felt the day my brother announced to me in no uncertain terms that he disliked my husband.  Imagine my surprise after five years of being married to the man to find out quite suddenly that my own brother can't stand him!  Not only that, he thinks he's a worthless, lazy, no good s.o.b. who should get off his dead azz and quit watching t.v. and playing video games and get a real job!!!!    So there!

My brother said so!  Get real here people!  My brother is 51 years old, my husband is 61.  These are not children I'm talking about here.  Well, allegedly.

It all started when I went against my better judgement and bought my brothers boat.  My two brothers owned it jointly, and they had been bickering about it constantly (I only heard one end of that story-on a daily basis no less) no place to store it; too much for insurance; blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.  Miss Brilliant Minded sister here comes up with the idea: why don't we buy it, keep it in the family, and that way they can still use it when they come here on vacation!?  Well, the thought was there!  Give me credit for that much!

We hadn't had the boat in the water but three times when we had a mayday one evening.  Of course, the boat decides its' not going to start after we're a mile out there, and a storm starts brewing.  To see the fun details of that ordeal, read my entry, "if it weren't for bad luck............"  (you get the picture)

Regardless, we have major engine failure, it costs almost as much to fix as the boat itself costs us and we didn't have the money to fix it.  Of course, this is a week before my family is due down here on vacation!  So, my brother, we'll call him "Mr. Wonderful", tells me to go ahead and get it fixed and use his charge card to pay for it all.  Now he knows we're talking big bucks here too.  Okay, I transfer money and go to Katmandu somewhere to get these parts and have a marine mechanic working on the poor boat trying to save it's life.  The operation is a success, but it got finished the last day of their vacation here.  (snickering here.)

One evening shortly after that is when I was talking with my brother on the phone when he went postal on me.  I mean he let me have it with both barrels!  He just exploded about my husband and the boat, and how he's an idiot, and he should have known to do something or another (nothing to do with why it broke down) and he went on like this for what seemed like an hour.  Why I even bothered to let him was beyond me.  I think I was dumbfounded?  Normally I would have hung up on anyone who was ranting on me like that.  

I didn't take his calls for a few days after that; and I emailed his daughter and told her to call him and tell him why because he kept leaving messages to the affect of : I hope you're okay?  And every day he called more and more often.  Finally one day I answered, and he was casual about it; I was very quiet.  Then another day he mentioned it again, and I said don't start.....he said, well I'm just saying.....I said don't start......He KNEW that meant I was going to hang up and he's never brought it up again.

My brother and I talk daily again; he never mentions my husband at all.  I do....all the time!  Intentionally!  In fact yesterday I mentioned we were going to winterize the boat, and he started telling me don't forget this, that, blah, blah.......I said I know how to do it, I'm not stupid.  (meaning I could do it myself!) and I was just waiting for him to mention my husband.  He did not. 

I said, yeah, Roger feels so bad about all this boat b.s.  He didn't even want this boat to begin with; I talked him into selling HIS pontoon boat to buy this boat so we could keep it in the family, and then look what happens.  Caused nothing but hard feelings.  He suddenly had no more to say.  lol

Let him think on that one awhile!

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someone wrote this about MS; but I think it applies to ANY chronic illness and I decided to reprint it in my journal!  maybe someone will see themselves here and think twice!

• Please understand that being sick does not mean I'm no longer a human being.  I have to spend most of my day in considerable pain and exhaustion and if you visit I probably don't seem like much fun to be with, but I'm still me stuck inside this body.  I still worry about school, and work, and my family and friends, and most of the time I'd still like to hear you talk about yours too.

• Please understand the difference between "happy" and "healthy".  When you've got the flu you probably feel miserable with it for a week or two, but I've been sick for years.  I can't be miserable all the time, in fact, I work hard at not being miserable.  So if you're talking to me and I sound happy, it means I'm happy, that's all.  It doesn't mean that I'm still not in a lot of pain, or extremely tired, or that I'm getting better, or any of those things.  Please, don't say "Oh, you are sounding better!"  I am not sounding better, I am sounding happy.  If you want to comment on that, you are welcome to.

• Please understand that being able to stand for 10 minutes doesn't necessarily mean that I can stand for 20 minutes or an hour.  Just because I was able to stand up for 30 minutes yesterday doesn't mean I can do the same today.  With a lot of diseases and disorders one is either paralyzed, or they can move.  With MS it's far more confusing:  one hour or day or week or year we may have normal - or almost normal - mobility;  the next hour or day or week or year we may be unable to sit, stand, walk, think, remember, or even get out of bed, we may be unsociable or depressed, and almost assuredly we are in pain.  We have good days and bad, and during our good days we may truly not "look sick", but we are. 

• Please understand that making plans other than immediate ones is a crap shoot at best, because we can't know how we will feel or what our physical, mental or emotional condition will be.  If we seem to hedge about making plans with you, please understand it's because we truly don't know if we will be able to honor them.  The same applies if we have to cancel plans previously made or invitations, even at the last minute - it is not personal, and it makes us as frustrated and sad as it does you!  That is what MS does to us, and it's how we must live our lives.  It is not just a matter of sucking it in, or bucking up, or psyching ourselves up; believe me if we could, we would!

• Please understand that MS is variable - with each person and from person to person.  It is quite possible and often all too common, that one day I can walk to the park and back, or bicycle 2-4 miles, or swim 12 laps, or even run with my dog; while the next day I may have great difficulty getting out of bed, walking to the kitchen, or be unable to walk at all without a cane, walker or other mobility aid.  Please don't attack me when I can't do today what I did before by saying "but you did it yesterday!" or "you did it before!"  Your frustration can not begin to compare to our own frustration.  The very act of planning while not knowing what condition we will be in is stressful and tiring in itself.  If you want me to do something with you, or go someplace with you... ASK if I can.  I may well dearly want to go, but simply be physically unable to do so.  Understand if I have to say no today, but please ask me again soon.

• Please understand that "getting out and doing things" does not make me feel better and can often make me seriously worse.  Telling me that I need a treadmill, or that I just need to lose (or gain) weight, get this exercise machine, join this gym, try these classes, take these vitamins, herbs, tonics and snake-oil cures will frustrate me to tears and is totally incorrect.  If I was capable of doing things, don't you think I would?  And when I am capable, I DO!  I work with my doctors and physical therapists and follow the exercise and diet plans they prescribe.

• Another statement that hurts: "You just need to push yourself more..."  Obviously, MS directly impacts muscles and ours do not regenerate as quickly as yours do.  Pushing ourselves beyond comfortable physical limits can be dangerous and cause a severe relapse.  On the other hand, doing what we can when we can is excellent therapy both physically and mentally... and we do!  If I work at a part-time job for 4 hours one day, my fatigue level is greater than yours if you worked a 12 hour day.  Many days I can still do anything I ever did as well as I ever did ... but only one thing per day or week or month.  Everything drains us and exhausts us exponentially more than a normal, healthy person our age (whatever age that is); our recovery time is also exponentially greater.  If I go to a party or dinner and show tonight for several hours and have a wonderful time, I do so knowing with 99% certainty that tomorrow I will need all day to rest and recover, much of it spent lying down.  MS causes secondary depression in and of itself; our depression may escalate when dealing with days on end of constant pain and limited mobility or cognitive function.  We are NOT tired because we are depressed!  We are depressed because we are so tired.

• When I say I can't do something because I am so fatigued, please don't say "Oh I know what you mean!  I am worn out too, but..." because you don't.  MS fatigue is not like any tiredness you have ever experienced, nor has anyone who does not have MS or other fatigue-producing disorder.  I know you mean well, but it's irritating to hear because it tells me you don't understand me or my MS at all.  I may well be just plain tired - we get normally tired during remission phases just as any normal person does - but trust me:  we know the difference, and it's huge.

• When we are together, please understand when I say I have to sit down, lie down, get a drink, take these pills, or get into a cool place that I have to do it and do it now!  No, I can't walk another 5 blocks to the car, or walk back down the hill I just climbed up.  Don't baby me, don't hover over me, don't do things for me unless I ask - we are very proud and never want to be a burden.  Our independence, or what we can retain of it, is of paramount importance to us!  Please help by listening to and believing what we say we need and act upon it accordingly and as quickly as possible.  You wouldn't question a known diabetics request for orange juice or insulin, so please don't question us or urge us to 'keep on... we are almost there!'  Not unless you are prepared to a) carry us the rest of the way or b) call 911.  MS does not wait, nor does it forgive... when we say "please ... now!" it means now.

• If you want to suggest a cure to me, don't.  It's not because I don't appreciate the thought, and it's not because I don't want to get well.  It's because I have had almost every single one of my family and friends suggest something at one point or another.  At first I tried them all, but then I realized that I was using up so much energy trying things that I was making myself sicker, not better.  If there was something that cured, or even markedly helped, all forms of MS the world would know about it.  If you still insist on promoting 'cures' to me or giving me 'this will make you better' advice, do so; but understand I won't rush out and try it though I may well continue to research it on my own and discuss those findings with my doctors.

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Here we go again.  I've been down and out, and in the hospital and to new doctors, and having tons of tests done.  To compress this story,we'll start out with abdominal pain that was unbearable!  I mean, almost to the point where I could have screamed.  Went to the E.R. and was there for 5 1/2 hrs!!!!  They ran all kinds of tests, and finally discovered I had an ovarian cyst that was rupturing. They gave me a script for Darvocet, and sent me home!

Well, two hours later, the pain was so incredibly bad I was back in the E.R.  This time I began throwing up, although I hadn't eaten all day.  That was a lot of fun.  NOT.  I told the dr. on duty to give me something for the pain, or give me a hammer so I could knock myself out.  It was THAT bad.  He decided to admit me for pain control.  They had given me morphine in the E.R. and it just took away the sharpness of the pain!  Then they gave me toradol; tramadol; and who knows what else in my IV.

My hubby said I was funny, my eyes were rolling in my head, and when he asked me if the pain was better, I said, "who cares!"  I guess I was flying high!  too bad I don't remember it!

I do remember that was the ONLY time in years I was pain free.  I mean my back, my shoulders, my knees, all felt great.  Too bad it was wasted in the hospital!  I think anyone in chronic pain like me, should be able to go once a month for injections like those, just to get some friken relief!

Anyway, I got home, the gyney told me to take provera for ten days to induce a period.  I did; it didn't.  So now we are checking to see if I'm possible menopausal.  hip hip hooray!

I think?????

I also saw a rheumatologist.  He diagnosed me with fibromyalgia.  Just what I always wanted to hear.  Arthritis of the muscles, ligaments, and tendons.  No wonder I've been in so much pain for such a long time!

He prescribed Ultram SR for me, until he gets my labs back, which he ran to rule out diseases like Lupus, etc.  Once he's ruled out any other disease, my treatment will begin, with hydro-therapy, muscle relaxers, and pain meds.  I hope they work together because I am so tired of being in so much pain for so long.  I just hope whateer he does, helps! 

That's been my exciting life to date.  Doctors and more doctors

Bills and more bills.  I've maxxed out my plan D, and am waiting until the 15th when I can change plans.  The one I have now stinks. 

Can you tell I'm just a little bitter tonite?  lol

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