I went to sleep a Navy wife and woke up an Army wife....blue to green what was we thinking?

Hey everyone, I just wanted to do a fast update since I am at my cousins house and still in Alabama. I will not go into explain much but just telling what has happen....the hub is still making it as well in Iraq as he can. He has encountered somethings that goes beyond my own mind but I understand this is war and somethings you just have to do. Ok since I last reported anything I decided to divorce the hub. BIG question I am sure is WHY...well he let me down. He said it could never happen but he ended up hooking up online with some females. Some he even decided to call up on the phone. Anyone that thinks for one second that these guys or even gals over in that war zone cant do things against ones marriage is fooling themselves. I know that it doesnt happen with everyone and trust me I never thought it would happen in my marriage but it did. I know that these internet sluts that show their boobs and more off on a web cam to some Soldier are just trash but those bitches came into my marriage (invited of course by the hub) and tore my world apart. The hub has begged for my forgiveness and even though at this moment I still have not given that to him, I am praying very hard for guidence. I love him and that didnt stop over night and sure I wanted to get revenge but I dont think anything I could ever do will stop the pain I feel in my own heart. I heard the stories before he left but he assured me it would never happen to us....IT DID! He isnt a bad man he is just a man....a man that enjoyed watching nasty ass women take their clothes off on cam and talk dirty to them. Those bitches give women a bad rap! Makes me sick! So try saving a marriage when you are thousands of miles away....it isnt easy. I have set a deadline that I will either have my marriage or end the damn thing. I wont give that date away since that is the time the hub will be home and gone on leave. MySpace IM is where he found most of the women and one was even a freaking ARMY WIFE whose hub is deployed to Iraq himself. This bitch even made plans to come to the base and meet my husband and stay at the hotel next to our home. My hub will be home before hers. Where they are based isnt very far from where we are. And I thought we was suppose to stick together.....she asked him how he was going to get by with spending time with her without me finding out and he told her he would tell me he was working late. He told me that he only said what she wanted to hear so he could see her do things on cam. What a stupid woman she was....hope her husband catches her slutty ways! So anyways you could say I am still very bitter over all this. There is so much more that I dont have time to go into. I have my final dental surgery on the 9th and I hope to be headed home anywhere from the 15th to the 20th of this month. I will be back up and running then. So please pray for me to make the right choices. Pray I wont go home and show my husband how much my heart is hurting by making his hurt worse. Hugggs!!!

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1st let me say that yes the hub works side by side on most days with an IA member who is happy to be training with our Army. They may not have built any kind of trust level with one another but they both are working toward a common goal. What is hard for me to understand is how an Iraq Army service member can walk away from his post when the fighting looks as if it will get a little intense. How can they just leave abandon an important check point that is put in place in regards of safety? If they aren’t even willing to die for their own Country why should any of our people be expected to die for it? Before any feathers may get ruffled this isn’t new news, its splashed all over the media and just because I hear it 1st hand doesn’t mean I am reporting anything that isn’t already out there for the world to hear. It breaks my heart every time I hear the hub just got back from intense battle only to find out that the IA’s left them out there hanging. When are we going to stop doing our job and theirs too? The hub gets to go to a Green Zone every so many days to take a shower, run to the post office if there is time, and get a haircut when needed. The rest of the time he is out there doing his job. He isn’t allowed to go home every night, he isn’t allowed to take a few days off, and he doesn’t get to run for cover when things get intense. So why are we there doing all this when the people we are there to help aren’t even helping themselves? Are we doing it for the select few that actually stand up and get what must be done, done?

On to a lighter note, how funny is it to hear an Iraq person picking up on our slang phrases? Example was one of the IA’s misfired a gun which could have ended in a very bad result and the only thing he continued to say, “OH my bad, OH my bad.” As much as I didn’t want too I had to laugh. I think the word idiot is International since it seems to be used daily by both the Americans and Iraqis service members. There is always some intense news when the hub calls me but sometimes there are those funny moments where I can get a smile going. When the hub was in Iraq before it was nothing like what he has went through this time around. He has been very lucky on more than one occasion; or rather I should say saved by the prayers that go out for him. I also am blessed that he gets a chance almost every single day to call me. Sure it costs us money for him to do that but it is well spent. He has never failed to stay in touch with me and like he tells me repeatedly he has been this way since the day we got married so why change now. I don’t know how he does it but he finds ways to get in touch even when it seems impossible to me. Got to love the man for that!!

Well I am still debating on when to leave home again and return to my mom’s. It has felt good to be home but I left unfinished business back there so I must pack up a bag and get headed out very soon once again. I have been gone a month and only back home just a few days. I think I am delaying it because I know when I get back to my moms it will be another month until I am home again waiting for the hubs return. Well off here to go buy some patches when the PX opens to get mailed off to the hub. Hugggs!!!    

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I wonder if her husband is out there tonight (actually morning for them and night for us here back in the states). Is she scared that my husband wont have her husband’s back? Does it bother her knowing that he must patrol and stand watch with an American man that she has no clue of what is in his heart? Is she wondering about me like I wonder about her? Does it torture her mind through out her day that her husband has left their home to defend their Country? Does she wonder why my husband is there in Iraq, does she wonder if its for money, or that he cares so much about others that it is the reason he serves as he does? She and I have so much in common and yet in a way nothing. I don’t know her name, never heard her speak, never watched her move about and she has no clue of what I am like either. A common force makes us in a weird way kindred spirits. Does she jump each time she hears news of yet another IED exploding or that another gun fight has erupted? Does she wonder each time that it might have been his time? What would I say to her if we were to meet? Would I even be able to speak or would I blame her in some way for what she is not accountable for? I think about her a lot. Every time the hub goes on watch I know her husband is there with him. They sit together, guard together, speak of their families, and yet neither one fully trusts the other. When this war is over will her children listen to the stories their father tells them of the American Soldier he once spent time working toward a common goal with? Does she wonder as I that this War will never be over? So many question and yet never enough answers. Is the life of her children really going to be better because of all this? What will their future hold? Everyday that passes I lose such precious time with my husband so that maybe just maybe one day it will have made some small difference.

Then I wonder if the 1st lady shortly after kissing her husband goodnight gave a second thought to my husband and all the men and women that are where her husband insists is the best place for them. If I asked the 2 of them tonight if I could just go see my husband and the conditions that he lives in everyday, would they allow me that right? Probably not but I would go in a heart beat just to spend a moment in time with him again even if it meant risking my own safety to do so.      

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I woke up this morning thinking about the relationships in my life. I have my online friends. I have my journal friends which know just as much about me as everyone in my physical life maybe even more. I have a wonderful mother that I may not agree with even 75% of the time but she is still great regardless. I have my best friend Danielle who can be as pushy as hell sometimes but always puts what she thinks is best for me before anything else. I have a good family that would be there for me with just a simple phone call. I have a husband that does truly love me even when I think I am unlovable. And finally I have Cato! He is the apple of my eye. He never allows me to have a dull moment and loves me unconditionally. He is with me when no one else is or can be.

So I decided to tell everyone in my life how much I appreciate them. I figured I would start here since this usually is the 1st place I go to when I wake up in the mornings. I want to thank everyone that reads my journal and those that take time to comment to me. You guys all have helped me through the death of my daddy, have listen to me bitch and complain at every corner of my life and yet kept coming back. You guys were here for me when the hub deployed to Iraq. Been here holding me together when I thought I was about to fall apart. Thank you guys so much. I appreciate and adore each one of you!!!

Now to Danielle who I know in her own time will venture over and read this entry. Danielle you are my best friend, more like a sister. I have only had 2 in my life and I am blessed that you are one of them. You have done everything from tell me off right to helping save my life (literally). You never failed to tell me how you see things in life and no matter how bad things have been in yours, you always help me to have hope in mine. You have made me laugh, made me mad, made me cry, made me believe again, made me live. I owe more to you than anyone including my own family. You might not always see eye to eye with me but you always let me know I am loved. You see in me what I cant even see in myself. In you I see this wonderful, beautiful, intelligent, best friend. You have a soft heart and I forget that sometimes. When you hurt I hurt too and I know you do the same with me. Sometimes I want to shake the sh*t out of you and force you to see what I see inside of you when you are feeling down. But in return I know you feel the same about me. You are the definition of a true friend. Sure all of this I could be said in a phone call if I would just get off my lazy butt and call you but here it is written for all times. It wont become distant words but ones that will last…as long as AOL doesn’t delete it..LOL! You opened your home up to me and made it my home. You pulled me out of the pit when I was suppose to be pulling you out. Thank you for not only being my best friend but my sister at heart. No one will ever replace you in my heart or my life. Now before I start sounding like I am in love with you…LMAO…I better just wrap it up with ‘THANK YOU,,,I LOVE YOU MY FRIEND’!!!!

Hugggs everyone!!!!!     

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Wow I sure have taken a break in life. I felt pulled in every single direction over the weekend but tonight I finally feel like I am a person again. I had to turn the ringer back on my phone today and WOW I had 5 messages. I haven’t had that many since I moved. My poor hub has had to call the cell but I needed to take a step back and really look at myself. I have felt the need for a while now like I have to be a ‘yes’ person and Saturday night I decided that I just wasn’t going to do it anymore. I was going to take ‘me’ time for a change. I have really been fighting the guilty feeling of why this deployment hasn’t taken a toll on me and I am so tired of hearing everybody and their brother tell me that just wait, it will happen. That’s NOT what I need to hear or want to hear. I don’t want to sit one more day waiting for that day it is going to happen because as I found out during my alone time is that it may not happen. Ok maybe I am just still numb from daddy passing but no matter what is taking the sting out of this deployment, well I welcome it. I really hate when my past raises it ugly head at me and sometimes it makes me wish that I just wouldn’t tell people my deepest feelings sometimes. I wasn’t the best person in the past but changing that wasn’t hard for me at all. I am so tired of being told one thing and the people will turn right around and be doing the exact thing they told me I don’t need to do. I mean there isn’t just one person that I am talking about, its more of a combination of people. Instead of being told all the bad things I wish just once I could hear the good things about me.

I made a rash decision yesterday and I like knowing I did so. I made plans to get away from here. All I am doing here is facing loneliness. Unfortunately right now money is kind of tight so I had to plan events that were less costly. I like it here but it loses something when I don’t have the hub with me. I need to get up in the morning and have someone to talk too that isn’t just on a phone. I need interaction with people and here I got my 1st taste of interaction and I wasn’t too pleased. I don’t need someone to come ‘service’ me and my house. I need people that can accept my life choices. I haven’t been finding that lately. I am just tired of the guilt that I have been dealing with on so many issues in my life. I just want to be me. I don’t want to have to pick my words carefully before saying them and I want to just be happy at times when everyone in the world thinks I shouldn’t be and I want to be sad when I want to be sad not when someone thinks I should be. I just want people to stop trying to fix me or tell me that my issues aren’t worthy of discussing and instead tell me the way it should be. I just want to be me.

Who am I….well I am an Army wife that still doesn’t feel like one. I live alone most of my time even though I don’t want too. I love to see things that God has made but only when I feel the time is right. I cant stand to be told what or what not to do. I cant stand that sometimes my jokes aren’t funny. I cant stand that everyone around thinks they know what is best for me. I am the woman that knows what is best for her. I am the one that will ask for your opinion and then most of the time wont take it but it doesn’t mean I don’t value it. I am the one that dreams of going to Ireland and kissing a stupid rock. I am the one that doesn’t need an expensive car to make me feel like I am worth something. I am the one that cries every time she sees a daddy with his daughter and yet I feel over whelming amounts of joy at the same time. I am the one that loves hip-hop, R&B, and rap. I am the one that kissed a frog and got a king. I am the one that married a man 15 years younger than me. I am the one that finds life beautiful and yet sometimes don’t want to live in it. I am the one everyone thinks is complex and yet I know I am just a simple person. I am the one that when she is mad says things she in no way means. I am also the one that will disappear from your life in order to save myself. That is just some of who I am. Maybe in time I will discover a lot more of myself.

Goodnight all I am going to hit the bed now….Hugggs!

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