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9:09:00 PM CDT
Feeling Sad
DVD's and sad moments
Normally this is not something that I would want to bring up so soon after starting another journal (which after the 1st one I kept for sooooo long and deleted), but I guess that is what journals are for….to get the stuff out that builds inside. Before I even get going with this entry I am going to grab a Valium. Hang on…OK I am back. Here goes…….not so long ago I had what was believed to be a miscarriage. The reason I say it was believe to be is because even right at this second I really don’t even want to believe what happen that day. I was really under a lot of stress from all that was going on with my dad’s health, moving 700 miles back home, knowing the hubby’s enlistment with the Navy was coming to an end, knowing the possibility of the hubby going ‘Blue to Green’ with the Army (which has already happen now and he has already signed his contract and is waiting for his leave to be over so he can ship out…oops not sure what the Army term for that is), and many more things. I had been moving heavy things around in the house and had been making back to back 700 mile trips. I had no clue I could even get pregnant since I had my tubes tied like 16 years ago. So anyways I sit there on the potty screaming for my hubby and made him look at what had happen. It was awful and something I tried many times to erase from my mind until tonight. Me and the hubby was watching ‘Sex In The City’ on DVD and the part where one of the women had a miscarriage my hubby asked why she was acting like she was being all upset and stuff. I said because its something that you sometimes don’t know how to handle. He says, well you didn’t do that. I was floored. He was right. I didn’t say much…..I didn’t cry….I was just numb and disbelieving. I wanted to tell him that I blamed myself…I blamed him….I choose to not believe it happen. I wanted mostly to tell him I wanted a baby with him more than anything in this world, but that it will never happen. I wanted to say that I know that the day will come that he will leave me to be with someone younger, someone that can give him a family. I also wanted to say that I am not sure I would ever want to try and give birth after the stern warnings the doctors gave me after the birth of my 2 children (former marriage….hence the tubes being tied). I want to scream out that as much as we have talked about adopting that it will NEVER happen because for one we are Military and don’t have that kind of money, 2ndly our age difference would be frown on and 3edly there is thousands of thousands of people begging to adopt everyday that have all their ducks in a roll to be able to do it. He said from day one that me not giving him a child would never be an issue but I see it more and more that it is. I see it in his eyes and it kills me. Ok so I cant really deal tonight anymore with that issue I need to move onto a lighter topic.
As I mentioned earlier, the hubby and myself watched ‘Sex In The City’. He would never admit to anyone that he likes that series. I decided one day to quiz him on the show. I asked him every name of everyone, I asked him plots of the stories and so forth….he got every single one of them right! Yes I have made my strong, manly, hubby a ‘Sex In The City’ addict! I think it is so funny! At one time I had him addicted to ‘Will and Grace’, and ‘Big Love’. He is also addicted to ‘Hell’s Kitchen’. If his Shipmates could only see him now! LMAO! He use to pretend he hated ‘Will and Grace’ but I caught him actually putting in one of the DVD’s and I knew he was hooked. He is such a faker! LOL!
We are also doing a BIG NO/NO in the Military lifestyle right now….we are not preparing for his leaving. We know for sure he will be gone 3 months to do his training and schooling and then he will be sent to where ever the Unit he gets stationed with is at. I have no clue when he leaves in less than 3 weeks when I will see him again. He might even be shipped out to Iraq again before we can even be together again. That is another issue I am having. Shouldn’t I be upset that he will probably end up back there? I am not. That bothers me. I love this man more than anything in this world and yet I am not afraid or worried about him going if he needs to go. It’s not because he has done it already because I wasn’t afraid or worried theneither. I joined an Army wives site and those women talk about how upset and worried they are of knowing it could happen. I feel like a boob because I am not. Am I really that cold? I mean I stopped crying over anything 6 months ago and haven’t gained that ability back yet. My PCM had sent me to a Psychotherapist and that didn’t help at all. I just can’t cry. I get emotional but it only turns into anger. I want to cry if nothing more than to prove to myself I still can. I have even tried…I welled all up and tried pushing the tears out but nothing. I made all the horrible sounds one makes when crying violently and still nothing happen but me laughing like a wild woman at myself. I figure as long as I am not playing with imaginary people then I am good for the time being. Well I am off here to get the hubby to go to bed. Its raining here tonight and I figure I might be able to get a good nights rest. Huggggs
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Hi there..
Kelli sent me over so let me introduce myself..I am Lyn ..I am older than you..smile...and I have been a Navy wife for 24 years...my hubby is still Active Duty..I don't know you yet but from the little I have read I would say what you are feeling is pretty normal..we all handle the seperations in different ways..and the miscarriage same thing..we all deal in our own way....
I look forward to getting to know you better..stop by my journal and you will find out every thing you ever wanted to know about me and more ..LOL
Have a great day....
Lyn
http://journals.aol.com/ukgal36/Britsblog/
P.S. oh yea I'm british..hence the name of the blog... ;-) -
From one military wife to another lets talk. Grab a cup of tea. I do not think that is bad that you are not worried about your hubby going back to Iraq. Yes, there were times when I wished Rusty had not gone back, but that is his job. It does not matter weather we like it or not. We can prepare for what we think is everything, but we will always forget something. We just do what we have to do and we move on. As for the child issue. I cannot say much there because people have frowned upon us for several reasons. One of them being our handi cap son.
I do know a few things for sure. We are women and we are strong. As women we can hold anything together even when it feels like everything is falling apart.
If hubby gts stationed out here at fort Irwin that would be so cool! That is only about 2 hours from me. California rocks and I just love it!
Chin up
Kelli
http://journals.aol.com/kamdghwmw/noonmom
7/28/07 10:58 AM
We all handle things differently.....
becky