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7:06:00 PM CST
Goodnight all
Wow I sure have taken a break in life. I felt pulled in every single direction over the weekend but tonight I finally feel like I am a person again. I had to turn the ringer back on my phone today and WOW I had 5 messages. I haven’t had that many since I moved. My poor hub has had to call the cell but I needed to take a step back and really look at myself. I have felt the need for a while now like I have to be a ‘yes’ person and Saturday night I decided that I just wasn’t going to do it anymore. I was going to take ‘me’ time for a change. I have really been fighting the guilty feeling of why this deployment hasn’t taken a toll on me and I am so tired of hearing everybody and their brother tell me that just wait, it will happen. That’s NOT what I need to hear or want to hear. I don’t want to sit one more day waiting for that day it is going to happen because as I found out during my alone time is that it may not happen. Ok maybe I am just still numb from daddy passing but no matter what is taking the sting out of this deployment, well I welcome it. I really hate when my past raises it ugly head at me and sometimes it makes me wish that I just wouldn’t tell people my deepest feelings sometimes. I wasn’t the best person in the past but changing that wasn’t hard for me at all. I am so tired of being told one thing and the people will turn right around and be doing the exact thing they told me I don’t need to do. I mean there isn’t just one person that I am talking about, its more of a combination of people. Instead of being told all the bad things I wish just once I could hear the good things about me.
I made a rash decision yesterday and I like knowing I did so. I made plans to get away from here. All I am doing here is facing loneliness. Unfortunately right now money is kind of tight so I had to plan events that were less costly. I like it here but it loses something when I don’t have the hub with me. I need to get up in the morning and have someone to talk too that isn’t just on a phone. I need interaction with people and here I got my 1st taste of interaction and I wasn’t too pleased. I don’t need someone to come ‘service’ me and my house. I need people that can accept my life choices. I haven’t been finding that lately. I am just tired of the guilt that I have been dealing with on so many issues in my life. I just want to be me. I don’t want to have to pick my words carefully before saying them and I want to just be happy at times when everyone in the world thinks I shouldn’t be and I want to be sad when I want to be sad not when someone thinks I should be. I just want people to stop trying to fix me or tell me that my issues aren’t worthy of discussing and instead tell me the way it should be. I just want to be me.
Who am I….well I am an Army wife that still doesn’t feel like one. I live alone most of my time even though I don’t want too. I love to see things that God has made but only when I feel the time is right. I cant stand to be told what or what not to do. I cant stand that sometimes my jokes aren’t funny. I cant stand that everyone around thinks they know what is best for me. I am the woman that knows what is best for her. I am the one that will ask for your opinion and then most of the time wont take it but it doesn’t mean I don’t value it. I am the one that dreams of going to Ireland and kissing a stupid rock. I am the one that doesn’t need an expensive car to make me feel like I am worth something. I am the one that cries every time she sees a daddy with his daughter and yet I feel over whelming amounts of joy at the same time. I am the one that loves hip-hop, R&B, and rap. I am the one that kissed a frog and got a king. I am the one that married a man 15 years younger than me. I am the one that finds life beautiful and yet sometimes don’t want to live in it. I am the one everyone thinks is complex and yet I know I am just a simple person. I am the one that when she is mad says things she in no way means. I am also the one that will disappear from your life in order to save myself. That is just some of who I am. Maybe in time I will discover a lot more of myself.
Goodnight all I am going to hit the bed now….Hugggs!
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Hugs my dear. I think your awesome and very happy to call you my friend. You are who G-d made you to be and if people don't like what they see...that is their problem-not yours. If you believe there are things about you that need fixing, then do so. But do it for you and your hubby and no one else. Having never known my daddy, I also cry when I see dads and the daughters and yet smile, remembering the story of how my adopted dad use to dance with me as a baby around the house before he put me to sleep. Now, the rap and hip-hop...can't hang with you, but I also married a king who is 13 years younger than I. And loves me to bits. Yes, I think is is time for you to discover yourself; I think you will like the lady you find.
Laini
http://journals.aol.com/mereel2005/Love-Iraq -
I can relate to a lot of what you've said. I think life is as much about finding yourself as it is about creating yourself. You have been thru a lot, and each situation has taught you some thing more about life, and yourself. Do not feel bad about how you do or don't feel. You are who you are, and that is all you need to be.
Best Wishes
Gina -
hang in there. i hate to say i know what you are going through because that sounds bad. but i do.
here if you need to chat.
emily -
I like Kelli's comment; so I'll ditto that
do hope no strange dreams invade your sleep tonight
betty
3/10/08 8:51 PM
you'll handle everything in your way, in your time. For now, just take care of what you need.
you take it easy~
~Bernie