I went to sleep a Navy wife and woke up an Army wife....blue to green what was we thinking?

Well since the hub has been dodging bullets and IED's...and I mean exactly just that...I have been recovering from a mild nervous breakdown and dental surgery. I left my home in the middle of the night in the hopes of escaping all the anger and hate that I was experiencing. I returned to my mother's and sought out refuge from all the things that seem to be torturing my mind. I spend a few days working on my daddy's grave, getting it exactly as I wanted it and the way he would have been proud. The rest is mostly a blurr. As I sit here typing I am at the hub's dad and step-mom's house. I came here to spend a night and so I could be surrounded by the pictures of the hub that hang all through this house. I needed to feel the closeness that I knew I could achieve within the walls of his families home. I have spent the last 3 weeks pushing those that were the closest to me as far away as I possibly could. It was my attempt to save them from the hell that I found myself in. I am tortured my memories and present facts. I have found I am no longer the person I use to be and I am trying very hard to learn to live with who I have become. I am not sure of what my true intent of this self awareness will bring but I do know that I am very lonely within my ownself. Happiness has become a simple thing of the past and I desire to capture that again in my life. I have turned to complete strangers for guidance and so far they have directed me me in ways that I needed to go in order to find my way back to a place that I can survive. I have learned it is ok to mourn my former self and to move past it and grown in my new skin. No one was safe from the emotional harm I was so willing to inflict on others. I was eat up with pure anger. I was not able to control the hurtful words I wanted to say just to find some sort of relief. I was smart enough to know that the only way to keep those I love so dearly out of harms way was to remove them as much as I could from my life. Too bad they will never understand the full affect of what I done for them. I will go down as the one who hurt them or betray or worse they might even view me as the one that used them. Little will they ever know how lucky they are that I released them. So anyways, my life is far from being out of this hell but yet better than even yesterday....tomorrow will even be better and the next day and the next. And finally if God grants me a future I will one day find what I am looking for......forgiveness! So as down as this entry may sound I promise I am better...so much better....you should have heard me even a week ago...you would have thought I was for sure headed straight to a mental ward. I am better...I continue to get better. This war took more than my time with my hub away...it took my inner joy away from me. I eat it, I breath it, I live with it in my soul every second of every day and yet unlike so many I walk from it toward a much better place in myself. Unlike my hub, I am the lucky one....I dont have to be there in it. I miss him very much...I miss who we are together. One way or another he will come home and only then will I know how to truly learn to live again.