Gearjammin' with Turtle

7:44:35 AM EST
Feeling Anxious
Hearing a truck idling...some music, huh?

Sammie and I are teamed up!! She finished out her orientation with SNI yesterday morning and I picked her up at the Dallas OC really really early this morning.  The load that we're on isn't here yet, so she's sleeping and I'm telling you about it here in journal land.  There isn't much to tell yet...I've been too busy to clear out a niche for her, and she's too exhausted to look around and tell me what niche she wants, soooo...there's gonna be stuff helter-skelter for awhile.  We'll deal with it :)

Our first load is a good load/bad load one though.  The good side is that it's a decent run, isn't here yet so we both got to sleep last night after both of us being up all day, and is moving me toward my weekend with my new honey.  The bad side is that it's not moving me fast enough and all I'll get to spend with him is one day instead of two :(  C'est la trucking. 

More on the honey at some other time...it's all too fresh and I don't want to jinx this. 

I need to get on the phone now and complain to work...after all, what's a day at work if you can't complain?  lol

 

 

 

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9:26:53 AM EST
Hearing The Power of Orange Knickers~Tori Amos

So.  Ever had one of those days where you thought about old friends and realized that so much had changed in your own life that, as much as you'd like to talk to them, you couldn't begin to imagine where to begin?

I'm days away from the finalization of a divorce that I asked for. 

How's that for a beginning?

A few months ago, I was in the midst of some serious self-contemplation.  I was meeting people left and right and realizing how much I enjoyed having friends.  The journals began the process of emergence from my shell.  I had an outlet for my emotions, thoughts, day-to-day living that offered an added bonus...readers.  People who cared enough to keep coming back and offering advice, comments, feedback.  The game helped also because there I had friends who let me play and be me...and let me discover what I was becoming. 

Catalysts.  Forces that cause change.  I doubt that is the definition, but it's the one that I'm using, because I like it, and I'm too lazy to go look it up.  I had catalysts.  I was in the midst of changing.  I realized that I wasn't happy in so many areas of my life that I had shut myself down.  I was buried under a thick blanket of false expectations and hopes and dreams that was getting heavier and heavier and more musty with each passing year.

The first thing that came to my attention was that I didn't love the man I had married.  There wasn't "someone else".  There wasn't (at that time) sickness or injury.  There wasn't "I'm mad at something you've done, so I'm throwing a temper tantrum".  There was, quite simply, nothing there at all.

I looked long and hard at this revelation. Surely not nothing!  You've spent 14 years with this person, you've built up a relationship that has to amount to something!  Yes, in debt to our eyeballs with no chance of ever getting out because we were so busy trying to find that oh-so-elusive golden frontier that we spent everything we saved on whims and fancies.  A job we had bought with our own sweat, blood, and tears. Hear that?  A job.  Not a business that was thriving or even slightly enjoyable.  No children.  Just two people that kept working and working to dig a hole.  At some point I must have loved him, or thought I did.  I married him, after all.  After all this time,I blame my own love of fantasy for that one.  What the hell did I know about love?  At 20, what could I have possibly known?  At 34, not much more, and that's the frightening thing that made me say "I'm leaving".

He argued.  He cried.  He pleaded with me to stay.  He began to try to change.  He went to the doctor and discovered that his kidneys were failing.  Nothing swayed me.  There was nothing there. 

I can't say how sorry I am that I wasted so much of his time.  I feel like a failure because I said "I do" when I should have said "I think I do".

In the end, we sold a bunch of the things that we'd been hoarding...gave away a lot more, so there too we wind up the day with a lot of debt and even less to show for it.  We split the two assets we have.  Camper and pickup.  The property in Vermont is up for sale for less than what we bought it.  He kept the dogs and I kept the ferrets and we both drive solo. 

The difference is that he hates it.  I really like it.  (I had to edit that last sentence-had initially typed in "I love it"...old habits die hard, and I'm being really careful about that word lately)

I would like to wave a magic wand over him and make all of his pain go away, but that stuff is for fantasy.  He'll either get over it and move on, or he won't. 

As for me, I'm enjoying my new sense of freedom and self-discovery.  Sure, I'm still bound by the bills that I owe, but you know what?  The thought of paying bills isn't as agonizing anymore.  I owe more, have less to pay, but for a change, I'm not terrified about it.  I go around wearing a smile much more often than a frown lately.  I've lost some weight, about 25 lbs this summer, and haven't tried at all...I just don't feel the need to keep filling myself up with "stuff", like someone who's shovelling trash into a hole to help fill it.  The emotional emptiness isn't there anymore, and consequently the need to eat has diminished.  I don't mean to say that I'm starving myself, no, only that I'm not eating out of a misplaced sense of emptiness.

I can't say that I'm going to write in here any more often than I have been lately.  I'm not making promises.  I'm not certain of anything, but you know what?

That doesn't scare me :)

 

 

 

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11:44:13 AM EST

Has anyone heard "Lay Me Down", by Crosby/Nash?  That song just moves me.  I was at home the first time I heard it.  Listening to a local radio station because most of my cds are in storage.  The melody got me first.  The acoustic guitars and gentle vocals thrummed through me and relaxed me without my ever realizing it.  The next time I heard the song, I was in the middle of a small emotional upheaval and I listened to the lyrics.  Every time i heard it come on, i turned the radio up and just closed my eyes to listen.  I cried a lot that day.

Anyway.  The job is the job is the job and nothing ever really changes.  I'm bored, frankly.  My only real relief is the escape that WoW offers.  I have a really good time every time I log on.  I am greeted with enthusiasm by my guild mates and friends, I get to help other players either with information or quest assistance or by sending items to help them level their professions.  I love it.

I bought the new Laurell K. Hamilton book on cd, "A Stroke of Midnight" to listen to while I'm on the road.  Approximately fourteen hours of sex and politics in a mythical reality.  My favorite.

Andy's youngest son graduated from high school last Saturday, and he came for a visit.  That was pleasant.  Andy finally had someone to talk to =P

So here it is, time to pay bills and finish the laundry and pack to go again.  Gotta pay off a new clutch!!

Later,

T

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4:47:22 AM EST
Feeling Silly

Here it is, two months after my last posting, and I'm still hooked on THE GAME.  If any of my readers are still out there, you'll be happy to know that things are still going well.  The only bad news to report is that the raise we got LAST year caused such an increase in our revenue that I should have been giving the IRS the extra money instead of the credit cards.  

Sigh

No one has mentioned the words "WoWanon" to me, so  I guess I'm taking care of real life stuff okay...although Andy does get a bit grouchy when he asks me questions while I'm playing and is lucky to get one word answers...if I answer at all.  I really do try to keep up when he's yammering at me (which seems to be all the time-why is it that for years he didn't have much to say to me, but the second I get involved in something...he has to have my undivided attention?)  To give him some credit, though, if it isn't work-related, he will ask me if I'm in a dungeon before he asks me to do something (eat, cook, clean, take the dogs out, etc).

I've made some new virtual friends in Azeroth, and Sammie and I still talk and play together.  Writing has gone completely out the window, and reading almost has.  Still trucking. 

On that note...there's a load to be delivered...happy trails, and cya next time!

Turtle

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1:21:02 PM EST

Hi all!

     This is just a short note to let everyone know that things are going very well with me, and I'm happy.  I've been busy with the job, but all of my free time has been spent playing a game. 

     Yep, a game.

     I see that it's been almost a month since my last entry, and it was right around then that I got the game that has consumed my brain every waking moment.  Sammie castigated me for not checking my mail or for even putting in a quickie note in my journal.  Hah.  Anyone been wondering where Sammie has been lately?  

     :::chuckling evilly:::

     The job is the job, and it's going very well-especially since we got a raise this month.  At the rate I'm going, I should have completely emptied out my credit cards in just over a year.  

     Then I think I'm going to reward myself with a new laptop geared for gaming....

     Happy Trails!

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8:18:44 PM EST

Well, things have been up and down lately, all tending toward the good.  Right after the incident which shall not be named but that hints strongly at rip-off, I lost my driver's license.  Than entailed me going home earlier than planned to get a replacement, going to storage to attempt to locate my birth certificate, contacting my birth state to get a replacement of THAT when it failed to show it's little pink self to me, then actually getting the license yesterday. 

In the mean time and in-between time, I've played Pogo games until my brain was fried but never achieved any badges.  Andy's oldest son came for a visit, which was pleasant.  We all played games, be they Pogo, Cribbage, PS2 games, what have you. 

My brother has been so fired up about the World of Warcraft online game that he suckered me into getting one and getting online (which, to no-one's surprise, didn't make Andy happy) and that is where my butt has been planted since last night.  My mom had to tear both me and my brother away from our respective computers to eat dinner with her.  That's okay.  We love her anyway. 

In the middle of all of this, I've done laundry.  Tons and tons.  Clothes that I found in storage that will come in very handy for the next couple of months, all of the bedding in the truck (yes, I machine washed my two wool blankets AND put them in the dryer and they came out just fine), and our general every day clothes. 

But I haven't done my taxes.  Well, I don't have all of the official tax information that I need, but there are things that I could have been doing if I hadn't been so busy enjoying myself with trivia. 

You know what?  I'm happy and content.  So what if I'm going to be a week late paying bills?  My overall mental health is GREAT!  

Take a hint-take some time off for YOU.

Love ya,

Turtle

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2:03:49 AM EST
Feeling Embarrassed

The universe has taken back the money that it gave me earlier this month.  With interest.  And my sense of "allisgoodinturtleland".  And my ego has been dealt a debillitating blow.

    Tonight, while taking a break in Dallas at a truckstop, I was playing online games.  Sammie and I were chatting on the phone as I sat in the driver's chair, laptop propped on the steering wheel.  A man approached.  I could see him walking with a confident step even in the darkened parking lot.  He got right up to the door of my truck and I rolled the window down.  With a huge grin on his withered face, he said, "Hey, you don't remember me, do ya?  I'm Ridgerunner." 

     No, I didn't remember him, but the name snagged in the dark depths of my memory.  Of course, I said "Yeah, I remember you!"  He jumped up on my running board and then asked where was "Your old man?  Sleeping?"  When I indicated that Andy was, in fact, watching television, he said, "Well, get him up here!"      

     Andy usually won't respond to demands like that, but when I said that it was another Schneider driver (in hindsight, funny how your memory can play you falsely, isn't it?) and he wanted to say hello, Andy came up to the door and shook the guy's hand.     

     So then, "Ridgerunner" asks me how much a fully loaded Dell laptop would cost.  Sammie and I were still on the phone and I asked her the same question.  When I told "Ridgerunner" what the cost would be, he said, "A hundred bucks."      

     The story was, there was a driver that had 5 Dells left on his trailer.  My suspicions were aroused, because that NEVER happens.  Nevernevernevernevernever.  He assured me that this other driver had a bill of sale for them and they were not stolen.  He said that he had already bought two of them and would write us a bill of sale, also.      

     Sammie interjected with a question of her own, asking about the actual memory and processor speed, etc.  "Ridgerunner" said that he wasn't good with that stuff, but when I asked if they still were in the box, he very confidently assured me that they had never been opened.  Andy, tight-fisted as he is, told me that if I had the money, go ahead and give it to him, but didn't I only have twenty bucks left?     

     Oh yeah!  I forgot, I'm broke and can't give "Ridgerunner" a hundred bucks.  But wait!  There's an ATM inside, right?  So Andy sent me into the truckstop to bring forth green purchase power from the all-giving Automated Teller Machine.  "Ridgerunner" asked how much money I had on me.  I told him twenty dollars, and he said to give it to him, and he would pay for the computers using my twenty as a down-payment.  Assurity.  Earnest money.  When I pulled the money out of my pocket, I discovered that instead of a measly twenty, I actually had the princely sum of twenty-EIGHT dollars.  He wanted it all, and got it.     

     "Ridgerunner" began to do something that I later wondered about-he wasn't exactly CLEAR in his speech to begin with, missing all of his front teeth (incisors?) but after I got out of the truck and amidst idling diesels, I think he lowered the volume of his speech.  I could only hear about one word in four, and what he was telling me was changing slightly from what we originally planned to do.  He started out by agreeing to bring the computers to my truck so that we could look them over before buying.  As we were walking, that changed to "You get the money, (it started out being 100, but after Andy told me to get two computers, "Ridgerunner" changed the total to 160) and meet me by my truck-this one right here (pointing out avery nice looking black Kenworth T2000)."  So.  Off I go, dutifully as any Dog of the Chinese Zodiac.     

     As I was walking into the truckstop, I was only mildly nervous of the men that were hanging out smoking and chatting.  This WAS my environment, after all.  I'm a trucker, and I belong here!  No groups of men were going to sense fear from me!  I found the ATM and got my full two hundred, knowing I had absolutely no cash and would need some for drinks and stuff later.  I turned around.  He was right behind me.  He said, "Let me have that," and took the money out of my hand.  I said, "You already have twenty-eight dollars, you don't need all of that."  He just said, "I know."      

     We walked out of the building and he said, sotto voce, "Go back to my truck and I'll bring them over to you...I need to go see the guy mumblemumblemumble see, the red truck in the fuel island."     

      I did see a red truck in the fuel island.  In fact, there were two.  So I said "Okay", and we split up.  At that second, I knew that I had just given a complete stranger two hundred and twenty eight dollars and that I would never see it or the promised computers.      

     I just walked back to my truck, in shock at my own stupidity.      

     When I got back to the safe environment of my own Barney Volvo, I cried.  I couldn't BELIEVE how STUPID I was!  I KNOW this crap happens and I should KNOW not to get suckered!  I fell into a con-man's expert little trap.  He PLAYED me!  Man, was I gullible.  I feel like less than whale poop.  I feel used, and I don't like it one bit.      

     And Andy is mad at me.

 

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6:23:46 AM EST

Since you last heard from me, I've been to the doctor to discover the cause of my physical deterioration (sinus infection turning into bronchitis), have had to run down Donner Pass with chains on for the first time this winter, have finished one game and begun another, have cheated a nationally-known pharmaceutical chain out of one hundred dollars, have cheated a truckstop out of a meal and tip, and someone in Michigan will probably not get their wine by Monday!  I have basically been on a roll! 

Andy and I left the house on the Wednesday just before New Year's.  I was definitely not up to the task of driving for long periods because whatever I had been sick with since Thanksgiving was getting worse.  We went to Kentucky and then Virginia, then were on our way out to L.A. with a Frito-Lay load that had extra time on it when I got a message over the Qualcomm requesting a load swap with a sick team.  Sick?!?  Welcome to the club, buddy!   But the load swap happened, and they got to toddle on into L.A. in a leisurely fashion while Andy and I hustled butt to make the original appointment in NC.  Okay.  Then we picked up at the same Frito Lay in Virginia, only this time it was going to Dallas.  Perfect place for a doctor's visit!  I informed dispatch that upon arrival in Dallas, after delivery, I needed time off to find a doc and to rest.  Check.  Doc informs me that, while it's in it's early stage yet, I am getting bronchitis because I've had a sinus infection.  Meds are prescribed.  Two different antibiotics to combat the two different ailments.  There is a pharmacy just across the street, look! 

(Here's where I cheat them out of money)

The business wasn't as busy as might be expected, but they were doing a fairly brisk trade at the pharmacy counter.  Andy, knight-in-shining-armor that he can be at times, had volunteered to walk over there in the rain and fill my prescriptions so that I could rest in the truck.  After he had left, I realized that there were a couple of things that I would be needing.  With no way to reach him (he doesn't carry a cell phone with him, and I got hung up on by the person on the other end when I tried to have him paged) I knew that I would have to also walk over or risk his ire when he learned that he would have to go back.  So, off I trundled, risking life and limb crossing four lanes of traffic in the rain. 

In order to minimize the boredom factor, I'll cut this down to the essence.  Andy wasn't asked for an insurance card, so when I was picking up my meds, I handed mine over.  "Oh, there was insurance on this?" the female asked.  "He said no-one asked him for his card, and he didn't think to offer it up", I replied.  So she takes my stuff back to the phone, which I can plainly see from my vantage point at the counter.  After a bit, she takes the bag over to the pharmacist (who I can NOT see, him being only slightly taller than me and hidden by a rack).  I can hear grumbling from that quarter.  Deducing the cause (insurance wants them to change one or more meds, that he has already filled, to the generic equivalent), and not really caring at the moment what the insurance wanted, I tried to get the female's attention.  That ain't happening!  She had blinders on where I was concerned.  So I went to sit down and wait again, telling myself that I caused it all by interfering.  I was really anxious to get out of there.  They had my cure, though, and I couldn't start feeling better until I had it!  So when I finally get called up to the counter again, I put my two extra items on the counter so that I could pay for all of it at one time.  The total is read off the register, I use my debit card, I signed for the meds, and off I skedaddled. 

As Andy and I got back to the truck, I asked him, "Can you believe that stuff only cost me nineteen bucks?"  His reply made me realize that there had been an error.  "Your Advil bottle cost thirteen, didn't it?  And you had something else, too, right?"  Uh oh. 

So, after perusing the receipt, I realized that I had not been charged for the meds.  I really, really, really didn't want to go back.  I had had a very long day, and wasn't feeling good to begin with, it was still raining heavily, and I had a cell phone, didn't I?  Yep. 

I tell ya, I tried six ways to Sunday to get someone on the other end of the phone who could assist me in getting this sorted out and made right.  I HAD the meds, I NEEDED to pay for them, please, TAKE my debit card number so you can charge me!  I got hung up on. 

Okay, fine.  I tried.  I figured that they could either bill me (all of my address stuff was there) or they would maybe learn from the experience.  I TRIED!  I was sick, and there was no way I was going to go back when this could have so easily been resolved.  If they didn't want my money, fine.  So now I have a guilty conscience.

Onward.  We rested all the next day in Dallas.  When the work assignment came in to pick up in Dallas and take the load to Sacramento, I knew we were in trouble.  I had been listening to the radio and hearing from other drivers how bad the weather was in that direction, but we tooled on, dreading the worst.  What we found was actually very good roads.  Until we got to Sacramento and got our next work assignment.  San Fran to Gary, Indiana.

HAVE YOU SEEN THE WEATHER REPORTS, SNI?!?!?

The wind in San Fran was bad enough to wipe out the power to the building that I had to pick up at.  After a bit, I got my load on and then discovered that I had an air leak.  Got inspected and consequently shut down by d.o.t. because of it.  All the while, there's this nagging Donner -is-getting-snow-can-we-please-hurry-this-up-so-I-can-get-over-that-mountain-today feeling.  Chains were required to go over. 

Now, understand that I DO NOT chain.  Honestly, Andy does a bang-up job putting on chains so that they stay on, and why should I mess with perfection?  After the air leak was fixed, I drove up to the mountain, fighting the wind.  At the chain installation point, he got out to sling chains and I stayed in the warm, dry cab, trying to keep my head from exploding.  Ever been up and down in elevation when your sinuses are bad?   :::::shudder:::::

When the chains were in place, I drove.  White-knuckled?  You bet, but I did it.

We made it down the mountain and into Reno with the chains on.  The last 40 miles were on wet pavement, but hey!  You can't just WISH the chains off, you have to have an area wide enough to park to TAKE them off.  Needless to say, when I got into the truckstop we parked for the night.  Both of us had had a very long, tiring day and we felt that five days off sitting in Reno due to the storms was much better than fighting one more night with chains. 

Last, but not least, I won seventy dollars at slots.  Just enough to cover his losses and our dinner and the tip.  Ain't life grand??

Turtle

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8:53:21 PM EST

I'm not in the best of moods.  Andy has called me a "crab" way too many times, and has accused me of blowing up at the least little thing.  Christmas has caused enough stress in my life, or maybe it's just the lack of finishing tasks that I set myself.  Jordan's quilt didn't get finished.  Oh, I got the top done and then made two pillow shams at the last minute.  They look extremely good considering the fact that I've never made shams in my life.  I just feel like a real heel.  I wrapped it all up so that he would have something to look at and that he would know that I'm actually WORKING on it. 

I must have been very good this year because my mom knitted me a sweater/jacket out of Eisaku Noro yarn in greens and purples with yellow highlights.  It's gorgeous.  She didn't entirely finish her project, either.  It still needs buttons.  She was sewing the edges together on Sunday.  Andy got me a pair of L.L. Bean slippers that have only been removed from my feet long enough to shower and sleep.  They are SO nice!  I've been driving in them and shopping in them and everything!  My brother and SIL got me a sweater and a PS2 game.  I also received two sets of silk longjohns that will come in VERY handy.  I've gained so much weight that my jeans are tight and the silk is light enough that they don't take up too much room inside my jeans.  He also got me two new pairs of (bigger) jeans.  :::sigh:::

I got the truck back from the shop-this time the rough idle was caused by a bad fuel pressure sensor.  They also replaced a battery and the power strap because there was a hole in the battery that ate the strap again.  At least this time it didn't require a TOW!

That's all for now.  I'm lying low for the rest of this week, then after we change our calendar I'm going to get started on reading Sammie's novel and mine with an eye toward revisions and editing.  I also need to finish up the last segment of my Xenosaga game since the sequel is coming out in February.  My thoughtful brother gave me that PS2 game as a filler until the Xenosaga sequel comes out.  I also bought myself some new yarn so that I can have MORE projects underway.  Sheesh.  One of these years, I'll actually FINISH something!

Enjoy the rest of the year, and I hope that all of next year brings you great things!

Turtle

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11:15:09 PM EST

     This has certainly been a good week for me!  The first good thing that happened was that I got to come home two days early.  We got to Indy at 3:00 Monday morning and turned the truck in to Volvo and did some minor shopping before getting back to the 23-degree camper.  It took 6 hours before the inside of the camper got up to 60 degrees!  Anyway, I played on the computer all that day until my mom got home from work and demanded that I go shopping with her.  We didn't get home until 10:00, but I got some more minor things I wanted to get. 

     Tuesday was spent on some laundry and wrapping all of the stuff that I had gotten.  Sammie and I talked on the phone for a couple of hours.  My family and I anxiously watched the weather reports as there was a winter storm watch in effect for our area until Thursday night.  They were predicting that we would get about 12 inches before it was all over.  I went to bed at 8 last night, my face turned toward the window so I could see if it was snowing when I woke up. 

     When I got up at 6 this morning, I discovered that we had indeed received our snow...there were at least 3 inches on the ground and it was still snowing steadily.  I swept off the deck and trudged over to my mom's.  She was avidly watching the weather channel.  The earlier predictions of 12 inches had turned into 12-18 inches.  It was snowing at a rate of an inch an hour.  One of the things that I've wanted for a very long time, aside from a white Christmas, was to be snowed in.  I wanted a LOT of snow!  I GOT IT!!  As of now, 11:00 Wednesday night, there are at least 11 inches on the ground and we are in the 24-inch band. 

Wooo-hoooo!!

     I spent the day working on Jordan's quilt.  The top is almost done-I just need to add the border and then do the back and sew the two pieces together.  The batting is still at the store since I wasn't able to go out and get it, and the stores were mostly closed in our area anyway.  I'm still wrapping it up, unfinished.  This way Jordan can see that I've actually made progress instead of just promises.  Yes, I'll get a picture in here when it's done.

     So, tomorrow is payday, I have all of my shopping done, I'm home early, I'm (sort of) snowed in, and I am one happy camper!! 

     Ummm, except for the fact that I killed a mouse today...that's a story I'm leaving for some other time.   Has anyone ever killed a mouse by putting their foot in a boot?  Ahem. 

     If I don't find the time to get back in here before Sunday, I hope that my good luck streak continues and all of you have as happy a holiday as I am.

     Much love,

     Turtle

 

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