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1:46:00 AM EDT
Feeling Ecstatic
Hearing Johnny Cash
Summer Blizards & Dissertation Dreams
Night descended slowly upon the land, as if summer was reluctant to draw the curtain of darkness upon another day. Summer is waning and her days are numbered. A feeble breeze wheezes through the trees like the breath of a dying man, warm and sweet with the scent of decay. The sewage ponds of the local beet plant have graced our fair city with a fragrance of burnt sugar and rot. August turned up the heat, and the humidity after last night’s brief rain hit 90% providing a morning fog that enveloped the city, swallowing whole the houses of our neighborhood. Tonight we made the pilgrimage to the local Dairy Queen along with hundreds of others. For one day only area Dairy Queens (perhaps state or nationwide?) donate all their Blizzard proceeds to the Children’s Miracle Network helping children and their families battle a range of diseases and illnesses. While sitting at the picnic table a steady line of people shuffled, jumped, and skipped by to claim their Blizzard treat. In that line it seemed every ghost of summer passed us by. There were softball players, some still in cleats, their legs held-up by long, black socks. Mothers with strollers crowded into the line, some with several other children vibrating besides them or swinging from the stroller handles like mini-gymnasts. Bicyclists in body-clinging spandex shorts cradled colorful helmets while their thighs threatened to escape the spandex confines. A few farmers, the dust of the wheat harvest still clinging to their denim overalls, stood with stout arms folded, their skin browned and wrinkled by working in the sun. A gaggle of teenage girls in tight fitting jeans giggled and preened as their nimble fingers slid effortlessly over cell phone buttons while they conversed, waved, and hooted at passing vehicles. From all walks of life to all ages, the endless line of hungry, treat seekers flowed past our table.
For some summer is a guest who lingers long past her appointed time, a bit like winter in the Northland. But here, once the Back to School posters hit the stores, and the business marquis announce “Welcome Back Students” we know summer’s days are numbered. Despite the warm Autumn months we have been experiencing last several years weknow winter is not far behind with subzero temperatures, ice coated roads, and frigid butt-freezing car seats that numb the buns while the car whines and shivers and possibly starts. Although I LOVE winter and look forward to a change in climate … most dread the arrival of Jack Frost and cling desperately to the final, gasping, glorious days of summer. And so we gather at the DQ to meet old friends and new, and watch the iron horse roll through town at the rate of 5-6 trains an hour. Last week while enjoying a kit-kat Blizzard (me) and chocolate-chip-cookie dough Blizzard (my love) we ended up sitting with two elderly ladies who were total strangers. Yet after a brief conversation we discovered they grew up right across our ally and dearly departed Virginia -a spunky, independent widow who built her own deck and shingled her garage - was their mom. Oh yes it is a small word governed by happen-chance and good fortune. We had a wonderful conversation with these ladies before they dashed off to take their grandkids for an evening walk before tucking the wee lads and lassies into bed.
I’ve been trying to process the reality that I have officially, actually, truly completed my PhD and graduated. I passed the orals exam, passed all the other requirements, jumped through the necessary hoops, paid the perfunctory fees, and walked the walk across the stage to be “hooded” and handed my doctorate degree. A strange feeling indeed to have finally completed a journey begun seven years ago that has cost me thousands of dollars, some still to be paid back, and been a source of contention that cost me a job of 24 years because the process was NOT completed soon enough. Yet it IS done, finished, completed with no more coursework to struggle through, no more chapters to have formatted and edited, no more dollars to borrow and pay out. And yet… yet as I sit and ponder this achievement old ghosts emerge from my sorted past to cast their shadows on this achievement. I find myself hesitant to tell others lest they think I am bragging or indicating I’m smarter or better than them. Voices of teachers long gone and perhaps rotting taunt me, “Retarded like your brother.” … “You’ll be lucky if you’re not in jail by the time you are 19.” … “Not college material, best to go to a vocational school and learn a trade.”
“Dr. Michael… so what?” My past taunts me, “You are no better than anyone else.” And I agree, I am no better… nor am I no less. That’s not the point, it’s not about putting myself above or below anyone else. Can intelligence be measured by a degree or a collection of 145 pages with words I typed upon them? Can I inform others around me that I am now suddenly smarter than them because I’m a doctor (PhD) now? Tell the guy I had to bring our lawn mower to yesterday because the damn thing just died and refused to come to life no matter how hard I pulled the cord. Tell the plumber who comes to our house to keep the tree roots from clogging our sewer and sending rivers of black, putrid sludge across the basement floor and bubbling up into the basement tub. Can I place myself above the vet who came last fall to put our dear Tootsie to sleep after her diabetes and cancer ravaged her sleek, black body, that shriveled with disease? No… I am the same guy who started this whole journey 7 years ago. In the end I dispel the ghosts of school years past with a wave of my dissertation. I deserve to dance my HAPPY DANCE, jump for joy, yell ecstatically, and burst with pride. Not because I’ve suddenly become better than others or smarter. Quite simply, I have increased my knowledge of ADHD and college students, made some conclusions, and perhaps have the opportunity to make some recommendations to those working with students with ADHD. But even more important I celebrate completing the journey, setting a goal and accomplishing that task, no matter how long it took and ignoring the fact that others who began when I did finished years before me. This is NOT about comparisons; it’s about accomplishing a task.
I wonder how often in our lives we let others define our lives, and draw limits around the possibilities we can accomplish? The sucking vortex of negative comments and judgments can reach us from the depths of our past and keep us down or at least shackle us with limitations eons old. Don’t let that happen to you or those you love. Let the window of opportunity and the door of possibility remain open.
The plan is to make more regular entries here… realistically I’m thinking once or twice a week… some thoughtful writing… some reflections or observations. I have too much invested here to abandon it but also have to accept the reality that there is wayyyy too much stuff going on out here in the "real world" to commit much more that once or twice a week. I’ve got some mighty fine friends here in J-Land that I want to keep in touch with, and there are others I’ve not even met yet.
Until next time be well…… laugh often……… play hard.
Integrity is doing what you said you would do, when you said you would do it, and how you would do it.
-Byrd Baggett, motivational speakerWritten by madmanadhd Blog about this entry |
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I knew you could do it! It's not about comparisons with others. It's about accomplishing something, an important goal that some people may have thought beyond you. But it's not about what they thought, either. You can tell the "they" in your head to shut up now; they haven't a leg to stand on. Congrats and well done!
Karen -
I just had to read this over again and was just as excited and pleased as the first time!! I am so proud to know you, Doctor Michael!!! Barb
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Congrats on your PhD....I hope to writing that I have received mine one day. I am in my last semester for my associates. I always enjoy reading your entries so keep posting.
Amy
http://journals.aol.com/visionarydiva1/AVisionaryDiva/ -
Dr. Michael, I so proud of you. I knew you would get it done!
9/16/07 12:35 PM
Krissy :)
http://journals.aol.com/fishe