sunsations

12:33:18 PM EST
Feeling Happy
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3:47:57 AM EST
Feeling Quiet

Swinging Cowboys!

Candy Canes!Friendly Snow Ball Fights!Pink Lace Bowties!

 

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10:25:52 PM EST
Feeling Anxious

IT'S A PARTY!....and you're invited. But you may not want to come. You see, I'm not normally one to complain alot...just want a few simple things out of life. Ok, Ok, it is a PITY PARTY!!!!   I'm just alittle frustrated about the whole "Holiday" thing. I know, I know...I was the one being all positive...even telling some of you..."So don't you worry now, because Christmas will come and go before you know it.....and it'll be all over till next year!" Put a smile on and you'll get through it all in one piece..(or two!)" it's just the change in the seasons that has you feelin kinda blue,        Well, just forget what I said, cause it just isn't true...some things are sooo hurtful and you just don't want to go through it time and time again...pretending your whole life that everything is "just fine", in your family, in your life, in your world! What's up with ME? I have NEVER missed a Thanksgiving with my parents and siblings before in my whole life!!!! And now I DON'T WANT TO GO!!!!   BUT there are OTHERS (the children for instance) to consider....isn't there ALWAYS "others" to consider. And I always do. Do I sound MAD???....maybe I am. Sure I thought about how not going to Thanksgiving and seeing my brothers might make me sad...and I might feel like a part of my life slipped past and I didn't even notice...But I could call, mail cards, drop by mybrothers...( even if it is over an hour drive!) I can do that!   But I could do it IF my  kids let me.    I had a few words with my father a week ago...He said hurtful things and instead of being quite and trying to ignore (without him knowing) I felt like yelling at him and telling him, what an mean alcoholic, and an abusive parent (in many ways!) he had been and how he had NEVER really been a grandparent to my kids....BUT I kept quite, only managing to blurt out "YOU are the liar"as I got up to leave...I left the room saying..."I'm not gonna listen to this anymore". Was he, or had  he been drinking??? I saw a beer bottle but I didn't get close enough to smell him...and I left that house without kissing or hugging my Dad. Without pretending...I'm sooo tired of pretending!!!!! He had called me a liar within 3 minutes of me entering his home...right after he had belittled each and everyone of my children...and said that they were ALL untrustworthy...all because my oldest, 24 year old son is living with him....(probably picking up a few more bad habits!) and he and his twin brother had not been true to there word always...and I KNOW THIS is true! But what does all this drama have to be on the doorstep of Thanksgiving...I don't want to be around his bad attitudes and drunk thinking, I've never been loved by him, the way a daughter should be loved by her father. I've NEVER wanted to hurt him or anyone else since I was a girl, when I once wished that he would die, but in prayer I quickly asked God to forgive me, because something inside my heart told me that was very wrong, and that I truly loved my dad even if he mistreated me, beat me and gave me a black eye to explain away at school once or twice a year, and did things, said things I'll never mention to most people, there is no need. No need in me to hurt  anyone...ever....intentionally. God forgive me when I sin just as I have forgiven those who sinned against me. Is it my AGE?...or have I gone MAD? Didn't I give ALL of that to Christ many, many, years ago???? Why do my kids want to go to Thanksgiving dinner? "A family tradition..." my youngest says! So what's up with me...this year..now, not wanting to see or hear my DAD? I LOVE him...and I'm not seeking the approval I know I will not ever get...oh wait! Maybe I'm "lying" to myself....I don't think so...Not here...Not NOW...I'm to tired to pretend...and I'm tired of hurting. God let me heal new wounds and the ones I thought were healed, that just tend to open up more as I get older.                        OK, so I  TOLD you so, that you might not want to come.......I don't lie!!!!!             (not intentionally ever!!!!) What do I do with this self pity??? Throw a partay??? NO....Journal of course! Party over!!!! Please have a blessed day and a great Thanksgiving! I may have another party tomorrow, and if so, I'll be sure that you are invited. Thanks for the visit. Bye!

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1:17:20 PM EST
Feeling Happy

It is truly great to read the supportive comments you have all given me...and it really has helped!!! I just have to send out a great big THANK-YOU...to all of you.

  There is a movie I would love to see~called "THE MARTIAN CHILD" Just from the T.V. previews...I thought I saw a couple of my own offspring in that little boy. I haven't got a clue as to the story line, but looks interesting to me. But I guess I'll be waiting for a while...probably next year when it comes on DVD or maybe gets to the discount theaters.

There is one in a nearby town that has movies for $1.00 (kids) and $3.00 for adults...but has a limited choice and mostly older movies. I took the kids there a once cause I felt they might like to know what a theater movie was like!!!  We saw "CAT IN THE HAT" and a couple of times I was really shocked that the writers had messed up such a "clean" and innocent story! I really didn't like the part at a birthday party, where they "hung" the Cat in the Hat up by his NECK!!! It was kind of disturbing for me...and they wonder why "THE NOOSE" is showing up in our schools..................

~ GO FIGURE~

LOVE 2 U ALL and THANKS for all you "give" with your words!!!!!

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3:35:53 PM EDT
Feeling Happy

I'm so happy that I wake up in the mornings and find my blood sugar levels are at 95 and not 140 now! It's been tough but I'm not even craving the sodas and sugars anymore! I attribute this to my hormone levels returning to near normal.... because of all of the water I drink (and lemon and ice!)

I try not to over eat and have made my diet go back to nature with fresh fruits and veggies, lots of "loaded" salads, yogurts and soups...cut out fried foods for the most part....no more fast food unless it's a salad!

Oh yeah, ALL that walking...and not just walking...But climbing mountains!!!   I've even lost 5 pounds this month...that alone has made my tiny feet happier...but not yet pain free...I wear a 6 1/2 size shoe and I'm thinking I need to lose another 15 or 20 pounds! At last I feel alil better! But it hasn't been easy...it's a daily choice to eat better and get the exercise that I know I need.

I want to THANK-YOU for all of your suport, your comments, and prayers are so inspirational for ME! Thanks again, LOVE2U

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12:36:24 PM EDT
Feeling Frustrated

Well...I've been testing my blood sugar levels and I'm obviously gonna have to try and try really hard to prevent major health problems at this point. 

 My sugar levels never drop below 100, and it's so frustrating to wake up after drinking a ton of water!! And going and going and walking and walking and NOT having the sweet tea or coke, BUT still wake to levels of 120 even as high as 139!!! According to the National Diabetes Association, It means that I have an impaired system...but not yet completely broken...and it's called "Pre -diabetic" Something I had never heard of before I visited the web site.  Why didn't my beloved doctor give me a game plan??? Guess it's because I'm the one responsible for my health...and I always go to him as a very last resort...after all I'm not a diabetic until the sugar levels reach over 200 and STAY there...Which seriously puts your life in danger!

How am I ever gonna get my levels to be below 100, like around 80 which is ideal after waking in the morning(fasting)? and what do I do about all of this pain....when I know I have to fast at least a whole day every week...and I've been eating low carb, no carb....It hasn't helped  with the blood sugar level yet! But I am feeling better..No headaches and alittle more energy. 

I did alot of walking at the mountains over the weekend...and my heart was doing some strange things before I started, but it was O.K. once I was up in the mountains...maybe I felt more relaxed...Only my feet hurt alot more. Here is hoping everyone will watch out for your health and "Listen" to your body, cause you can tell when something isn't right...YOU are always the first to know!  But knowing what to do about it is another thing all together. A man told me yesterday that he suspected that anyone that was 10 pounds or more overweight was "Pre-diabetic" and it's when the diabetes causes organ damage that the diabetic will lose the weight...from sickness or change in diet! There may be some truth in that statement. I know I'm gonna lose some weight now!!!!!!(I want to feel better again!) Bye for now. Take care of yourself, you'll be glad you skipped that turtle blizzard!

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12:04:07 AM EDT
Feeling Worried
Hearing News, WHERE IS THE RAIN???

I've been a little worried about my health. As we get older things change and it seems like there are so many concerns, not just about everyone else anymore, but how well are we holding up to the test of time. An ounce of prevention and all that jazz!       (I really believe in that)

What's up with all the chemicals in foods, I feel the need to grow my own. (Food, not Chemicals) I'm worried about the stuff my kids eat at school...What's up with feeding them hormones? (as if they don't have enough of em on their own!) They don't eat much at home. I think they crave starchy foods and I have to get sooo creative to get them to eat a well balanced dinner.

I haven't been feeling all that energetic lately, and wonder how I can accomplish all of the goals, and work ahead if  I'm not getting any younger?

I bought one of those meters to check my sugar levels, cause with a few family members that have diabetes(my brother, my grandma and others) and my sugar levels not great at my last checkup, I suspected that I didn't want to wait to hear that I have it at my next doctor visit if thats what he would say. 

I know my diet hasn't been great this past couple of years. I've been overworked and neglected my health!

So I studied up about it and checked my levels in the morning (after fasting all night) wasn't to happy to find it at 104 but not worried to much...(even though it should have been under 100)..until after breakfast I checked it(3 hours after eating) it was 167 and almost lunchtime and I was starving like marvin, and I knew that my blood sugar levels needed to be lower than that before I raised them more...

So I skipped lunch and just drank a few swallows of coke with ice, then late in the day I checked it again, 179, way to high to add more carbs...That made me drink more water, realizing that my sugar levels were going up and up and not down at all...until 5pm when I ate my lunch for dinner... then at bedtime out of curiosity I checked it again, 139.....Finally below 140....so to complete my test I guess I'll check it in the morning...hoping it will be below 100, so I want have to go see my doctor again...even though I love him and he's great and all that, I think I'm gonna have to really watch my diet and make sure I get plenty of exercise, and water (Gods gift for life)and start lifting weights again, I hear that's good for aging bones! Maybe I'll even lose the 10 (or 15) extra pounds I've gained in the past 2 years!!!!!!! (Man, my finger hurts from all of those pricks!!)

 

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11:10:41 PM EDT
Feeling Hopeful
Hearing news and weather(Wheres the Rain??)

I've been searching on monster.com for the perfect job! and feel like I'm

 coming up alittle short (and I am!) of the bachelors degree

I need to get some of the work, and salary I need. I've got the associates degree

 and am about 9 months short of the bachelors I so badly need right now.

I know I need a plan and with Gods help the

strength to finish what I started over 20 years ago!!

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12:43:11 AM EDT
Feeling Sad
I love the summertime!!! I was born in the summer, the oldest of 5, the first and only in my family to go to college, it was a struggle, but then life has been so bizarre at times, and always seems to be a struggle of one sort or another. My family wasn't that typical I guess because I was 16 when my lil sister was born and 17 when we got the last lil brother. I guess my parents must've felt it was there 2nd family, cause me and 2 of my brothers were almost grown by the time that they were born.  I've had some difficulty with the way our family seems split, more so because I've always honored my parents and tried to fit in, even though my children have never been idolized by their grandparents the way my sisters kids have been .Everyone notices it, so I know it's not been just my imagination. But it's curious, and doesn't get any easier, even though I pray and pray, and I know God has forgiven all involved. The pain I've felt all my life, just gets irritated when I see how my sister and her family are put on a pedestal, and I have been wronged, even with the apologies it's affected my entire life...the things I went through before she was even born, and then how I loved her and still do. How I did my homework while I fed her the bottles, how I bathed her and dressed her and she started talking and called me "mama" and how I cried and worried about my 3 yr old sister when I went off to collage at age 19. and felt that she wasn't going to understand ever...Maybe cause I can't tell her...It's possible I could never tell anyone what a struggle life has been for me because it just doesn't matter. We are all human, and make mistakes and do the wrong things at times, and God forgives...but what do I do with the damaged goods that is me?  I know when I was younger, stronger, I fought the good fight to do the right thing as often as humanly possible. At times I let myself down, but I know God gave me valuable gifts, and there has to be a place somewhere somehow where I can be loved, wanted, needed, and successful. Why have I felt that I wasn't very much liked so often, why have I been so different from everyone else? They have a name for some of it...Dyslexia and A.D.D., it's made the struggles even more difficult. And emotional I may be at times, but I've had alot to cope with in defense of myself...This thing with my parents isn't mine alone... I have siblings that share some of the same observations...but me being a girl..probably take it the hardest...want their love and praise and love for my kids....It really hurts when the kids became aware of the difference in the way they were treated..even though I told them it wasn't anything...that they are just as much grandchildren as the next, and everyone would have their own special relationship with each one...my youngest son seems so possessive over them...(his grandparents)...Even though he hardly ever sees them...He has this idea in his head...like he's the only one, maybe because he just doesn't see his cousins with his grandparents at the same time...I've decided that's probably best for him anyway! Oh, well I didn't mean to write a novel just wanted to say things I've never had the chance or will power to say to anyone else before. And not that any of it matters all that much , I know God has a reason for everything we experience in life, the good and the bad,  and for those who love and trust in him it will all work for the best! So, for whatever reason I have the difficulties and struggles in my life,  I am who I am and I am Loved by God, This is a fact I know for sure even if sometimes I'm afraid because of the way people respond to me or don't, I still have faith,

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11:32:25 PM EDT
Rambo granny : What's wrong with AOL, [or what isn't???] About guns, I don't think people should take the liberty of being judge and jury when it comes to crime, but if one are the victim of crime, one should have an equal chance to defend oneself. I think more people should own guns, then we'd have less crime!!!!!!I'd hate to be in the situation to have to use a gun, but I sure don't want to be the one who doesn't have one if someone starts shooting at ME or other innocent law abiding citizens.

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