From the Edge of Dementia

I had moved my pillows and blanket into Pop's room last night, expecting to sleep on the floor (if I slept at all).  Well I was up most of the night but around 4:30 this morning I just couldn't keep my eyes open any longer.  The problem was, when I layed on the floor, I couldn't see him.

And if I couldn't see him than he sure as hell couldn't see me. 

So finally I got up and uncovered him, scooted him to one side of the bed, and crawled into the other side.  That way I was right there.  Two of us in one hospital bed... you know, it wasn't as uncomfortable as I would have thought it would be.  In fact, it was damn cool.  We talked a lot (ok, I  talked a lot) like two kids at a slumber party.   There was a lot of "remember when we did this?" and "remember when we did that?"

I also brought my guitar up and ended up working on a song for a little bit.  Mostly I had brought it up to see if I'd get a reaction.  He didn't jump up and start dancing or anything.  He didn't even turn his head in my direction.  But he was listening.  We musicians know these things.  It's like gay-dar, only different.

He was very THERE with me last night. 

And this morning he's still unresponsive. 

Karen says "a couple of days, if that."

I think I'm going to start a fast.  Pop hasn't eaten any solid food in four days now.  I'm going to not eat with him.  That might sound a little on the goofy side, but I know on some level he's got to know that he's hungry.  I want to share something with him. I can't take on any of his pain for him but I can struggle with him on this.  

For those of you about to freak, I've got plenty of Emergen-C and I'll be drinking plenty of water.  I'm not on, like, a bonafide hunger strike to the death or anything.  It's just a spiritual fast.  I'm just standing by my dad.   

And while I have two seconds I want to thank all of the comments and emails I've been getting from so many "new" J-Landers who have been buoying me up with your words of encouragement and prayers.  If you haven't heard from me personally, it's not because I'm a jerk.  Life is just a little crazy right now.

:::sigh:::

Ok, so I guess it's on to the next thing...

Whatever that is.

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• #10 Comment from lanurseprn 
  12/28/06 5:48 PM | Permalink

  That's so cool that you got into bed with him. Not many people would do that. They are afraid for some reason.  I'm sure he heard you and felt you there.  Just because they don't respond back doesn't mean they don't hear us.  I've discovered that being a nurse.  There are little things that show us that they "hear" us.  
  God Bless you....Pam
• #9 Comment from siennastarr 
  12/28/06 2:16 PM | Permalink

  You are such a beautiful person.. I can tell that, just from the couple of entries I have read.  The love you have for your father, and what he is going through right now, as his life slowly circles the drain of life, is phenomenal.  I think fasting for the next few days is fine, as long as you know your limits and don't let yourself get too exhausted or run down.  
  I will keep your father, your mother and yourself in my prayers..
  
  Jackie
  http://journals.aol.com/siennastarr/Hopefloats/
• #8 Comment from astaryth 
  12/28/06 12:56 PM | Permalink

  Sounds like an amazing night you spent with your Dad.... And I'm sure he is appreciative of the attention!!! And the fast?? I completely get it......
• #7 Comment from pharmolo 
  12/28/06 12:37 PM | Permalink

  Don't worry about not responding to comments, you've got more important matters to attend to. You did great, staying with your dad. Very moving.
• #6 Comment from tellsg 
  12/28/06 12:18 PM | Permalink

  That sounds like a special night you shared with your dad.  I am not sure about the fast though, I think you need to keep your energy up at this time (the drink is not enough).  Hugs.  Terry x