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9:53:00 PM EDT
Hearing Silence
I've Finally Figured It Out.
I think this graphic hits home quite well. I just don't give a damn anymore. I don't care.
I don't care about me. I don't care about my life or what becomes of it. I don't care if I don't wake up in the morning. I don't care if I die before I fall asleep.
I just don't care.
My life has become bedrest, paperwork, the same old errands 100 times a month, TV shows I pretend I like, music I write that I pretend is good, and dreams that I pretend might come true.
Those first few moments upon waking up in the morning will find the old MJ waiting for me. But only until reality dawns on me. My life has become one great big pile of shit. I don't care if I'm clean or dirty. I don't even care if I smell bad (and I probably do).
A change of pace would be a week like this week: tests tomorrow for me and Ma, tests on Wednesday for me, Gyn on Thursday, Eye exam on Friday. Birthday party on Saturday that I'm most likely not going to be able to enjoy because I'll be in a walking coma. Followed by a week in bed.
The tests are going to come out "normal" most likely which isn't really going to help a goddamnthing.
I've now become a burden to EVERYONE in my life which makes me feel like shit all the time. There is no reason for me to be here.
Why do I hardly write here anymore?
BECAUSE I DON'T CARE ANYMORE.
I don't even care what the future holds. It's so goddamn far away it's not worth thinking about. My circumstances are going to change a million times by then. Why bother wasting the energy considering it.
And I'm tired of my friends trying to buck me up by reminding me of how awesome and strong and cool I used to be. They haven't even noticed that that woman is already dead.
Am I going to write here anymore? I have no idea. To be perfectly honest, there is no joy here anymore for me like there used to be. There is less and less to write about and the a blank post page waiting for my words is like a slap in the face.
Who the fuck am I that anyone should want to read me anyway?
Just some jerk that's waiting for the first opportunity to escape.
Written by malagutigrrl Blog about this entry |
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Dear MJ, Sorry it's taken me so long to leave you a comment. it sounds like things are at a real low point for you right now. I'm sorry to hear that. I can only know how it feels from the observation point of the caregiver spouse. It truly does suck when all you have left is just figuring out how to get through the day. My email is always open to you, mleighinin 21st@aim.com. What if someone who needs to know what it's like to live with a disability is reading this-seeing the realities and learning from your observations......just a thought.
Hugz, Leigh
http://journals.aol.com/mleighin21st/iwasthinking.../ -
When I read your post, I saw myself... I can relate 100%.... I too have a severe disabiltiy that causes me daily pain and drains me of every ounce of strenth I have... Yesterday was the first time I left my home in almost two years in order to see a doctor... You and I have a lot in common... I need someone who understands what I am going through, and I believe you do... I know you don't care anymore, I know how that feels... but I'm hoping you you email me and talk to me... I need someone in my life who understands how I feel, and I believe you do... and maybe I can help you in return... My email address is JourneysPath@aol.com .... I hope you will contact me... I have you on my alerts now, so I will come back here and read your entries... I DO care what you write about, I DO care about your pain... I'm living my own as well, and as much as I want to give up, I want "equally" to NOT give up... So, will you help me?
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You are thought of more often than you know. You are NOT alone, and I DO like to come here and read you! I think that you are a very unique person. Sometimes, we need help picking ourselves up. Seven years ago I got the help I needed. Yeah, it is medication, but dont sell it short, it fixed me. I was chemically unbalanced. I think you should take a good look at things, and see that you have got to get a hold on this. You have a lot of life left in you. So get busy living gal. We love you, and care about you very much. You just need to find out how to love yourself and care about yourself. Please see someone about your depression. Dont think it wont help. I think it will. Please give it a try okay. Love, Kelly
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I just read your entry - wow - that's all I can say. I have had my share of desperate times - times when I felt totally alone - but I can honestly say I've never been to the point you are now. I wish I could find the words that might reach you - that might give you a glimmer or hope. I haven't read your journal long enough to know whether or not you have sought help from a Doctor. There is one thing I know however - there is always, always, always something to be thankful for. It could come from a stranger's smile - a big fat robin perched on a branch - a good book - the sound of thunder - the fact that you are alive and able to communicate with others - SOMETHING. But it won't reach you unless you reach out. You have to find that quiet peace deep within you and search for it. It's there - for all of us.
Hugs from Minnesota
5/6/08 11:58 AM
Indigo made a call for support and led me in your direction.
I have read back through some of your entries and see that you are suffering from MS and are a home carer too.
Like you I recently came to the end of my tether and had to get some medication from the doctor to help me out. It has taken three nearly four weeks to make a difference but I am now in a much better place than I was earlier on this year. You have many (invisible) but caring friends on AOL who want to help you over this bad patch. Reach out to them. Rant and rave as much as you want. They wont go away because they love you too much. Every single reply tells you that.
Please try and see if a change of medication will help you.
My prayers are with you. Take care you are obviously a very special woman to have so many people telling you that they love and care for you and wish you the best of times again.
Hugs
Jeanie xxx