Tales & Tails of New York

Only a couple of more days of 2005.  

And as is traditional, most of us look back on the year and reflect upon the good and the bad.  

How to define 2005?  

Personally, I consider myself lucky to be living in an area free from disasters. I've enjoyed good health (aside from a broken wrist that proved a bigger drag than one might suppose). 

I was able to save a lot of animals and pay all the bills.  And I of course treasure the warm, giving and wonderful relationship I share with my daughter.  

From those important and major vantage points, 2005 was a very good year.  

But, in other ways it was often disappointing, difficult and fraught with obstacles, both professional and personal.  

Most of the disappointments stem from not being quite able to understand or relate to other people in general and/or the culture I live in.  

As humans, we are not without ego and pride.                                             

As humans, appearances and prestige matter.                                               

As humans, we like to be admired and respected and appreciated by others (who doesn't?)  

But is there not difference between admiration/respect/obligation and love?                 

Is there not difference between appearance and truly living one's soul?                     

And is there not difference between ego/pride and self love?  

If one ever gets past the bravado and pride in things seemingly achieved and trendy possessions "owned" (i.e. how much money made, how many cases won, how many houses or pretty "things" bought), one might get to realize that the real self -- that tender soul living underneath all the outer trappings of success, responsibilities, demands and appearances really doesn't care about that stuff at all.  

One might call that tender soul, the child within us.  

The child within us, after all, doesn't want or need for mansions, mere accumulation or world admiration.  

The child within us lives for the joy of the moment, supportive words or touch from those who matter to us, self expression and the wonderment of the new and small things learned everyday.   

Oh! - The excitement the first time we ride the two-wheeler by ourselves, skate down the hill without falling down or get that important hit that wins the softball game for our team!  

But, as we grow up, wemove further and further away from that "child" within and more towards those validations, traditions, expectations, and demands of the adult, outside world and the culture around us.  

We worry about tax brackets, insurance or getting braces on our kid's teeth. We strive to "fit into" the status quos or culture we live in.  That which tells us everyday what we should be, what we should look like, what we should think, what we should seek and what we should do and have.  

We become more concerned with appeasing our egos, keeping up appearances,  winning  admiration or respect from others and accumulation of "things," wealth and security.   But, were these the things that brought us happiness when we were children?  

For more than 25 years, I worked in various jobs, did well, brought home paychecks, got caught up in measurement of self though how much I was earning, the things I could buy, the people who admired me on a dance floor or the man who was at the end of my arm.  

And then came a time (age 40) when I threw all that aside to "go back to" that which brought me happiness as a child: Rescuing and connecting to animals.  

Is this the kind of work that brings in money, security, prestige or admiration from others?  

Not at all.  

But, its the kind of work that fulfills my "inner child" so to speak -- or, one could say, the "real me."  

I've also learned that I don't need a man at the end of my arm in order to feel "like a woman."  

Marriage in the traditional sense, is something to take or leave depending on whether or not there is partner/person in life who provides balance, "supportive words and touch" and matters to the self.   

I am 59 years-old in this, the end of 2005.  

But, am really closest to let's say, age 10 in terms of what I want, appreciate in life, feel joy and need with.  

And from that standpoint, ego and inner self/soul are the same.  

Am I happy or do I love myself all of the time?  

No, not at all.  

But, I can find something in every day (despite obstacle or disappointment) to feel joyful or happy about. Usually, they are small things that most people would overlook or think trivial and unimportant.  

A walk in the park with my dog. A cat purring on my lap. A swim in the pool. A particularly free flowing conversation that goes all over the map with my daughter or other person of matter and significance to me.    

In other words, the same things that brought happiness as a child bring joy and moments of happiness now (though to be truthful, I didn't learn to swim until age 35!).  

So, in essence to define the year 2005 in one sentence?  

It was, for me, the year of being ten.                                                    

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