Dealing With Trauma (Reply)

Rainyday39 Writes: I'm so glad that even though you went throught the trauma of being raped, you still try to not let that distort your racial views. You sound like a very strong person. It's hard to not be affected by events like that. It sounds like this new documentary series coming out called "I Survived" on the Biography Channel on Mondays at 9pm ET. It features real-life survivors from all walks of life. I work for Bio so I got to preview some episodes and saw one where this woman got kidnapped from her home,raped and then shot. The best part is at the end when she goes "If I can survive that, I can handle anything". So inspirational! And you hear her narrate how she survived the entire time! If you want to find out more about the show or preview some clips you can at http://www.biography.com/isurvived/ . Anyone here thinking of tuning in?

Reply: Certainly nothing I experienced sounds like what the woman highlighted on this program went through.

Just to clarify matters: the muggings described were perpetrated by young black men. The childhood molestations were committed by a white, 15-year-old boy (neighbor).

My purpose in writing of these personal experiences was multidimensional.

First, as "warnings" to others:

It never fails to amaze how many people walk around with wallets or bags stacked with numerous credit cards, checkbooks, house keys and other valuables.

Really, really bad idea!

One doesn't have to be robbed to simply forget or lose personal belongings.

Keys should always be kept in deep or secure pockets. (It's a real bitch to have to call a locksmith in the middle of the night!) All credit cards should be left at home unless planning to make a specific purchase with one. And checkbooks, well, it is hard to imagine any reason these days to carry a checkbook around. As for Social Security cards? One really needs to have one's head examined if carrying around a Social Security card.

The other warning was to parents: You need to know what your kids are doing all the time and who they are with. You cannot blindly trust every relative, every neighbor, every friend. The days of letting our kids play and grow up on streets or leaving them at some acquaintance's house are unfortunately over (if indeed, they ever really existed).

If your child suddenly becomes withdrawn, starts doing poorly in school, has difficulty concentrating or seems fearful of certain people or situations, something is wrong and you need to immediately address it. Most children who are victims of sexual molestation do NOT readily or easily go to parents and tell. They can't for usually a variety of reasons such as fear, shame, guilt, embarrassment and confusion (the latter especially true for young children who do not yet understand the facts of life). As soon as children are old enough to understand the basics of sex and reproduction, they need to be TOLD, as well as warned about how to respond to those who might attempt to entice them into to some dangerous situation.

Finally, if one discovers one's child HAS been a victim of sexual abuse, it is critical to both comfort the child and be able to instantly address and remove the threat -- even if that means immediately packing up and moving or divorcing an abusing spouse.

It is also recommended to seek professional psychological help and support for the child. This type of abuse isn't something that simply "goes away" in the growing child, even when the perpetrator of the trauma is removed.

The other reason for talking about these experiences was, well, to finally deal with them myself!

It took more than 40 years to mention to anyone the childhood rapes. (My own husband never even knew about these). The later muggings I never discussed with anyone, either.

My philosophy always has been to "learn" from bad experiences -- and then, put them behind you.

That's not a bad philosophy to have and in many ways, it can serve a person pretty well in life.

But, while it is important to move on from whatever traumas life holds, they don't always move on from the person.

As noted earlier, I have never been one to hold grudges, live in fear, hate, wish ill on others or seek revenge.

But, in looking back, I realize that there WERE ways such experiences affected me later in life.

They particularly affected my abilities to trust others.

When my daughter was growing up, I never left her with anyone other than my Mother. I never allowed my daughter to play on the street and I never remarried.

Following the third mugging, I never left my home with more than $20.00 in cash or valuables. For a very long time, I didn't even carry ID!

I am skeptical of people I don't know well. I never borrow or lend money. I don't allow others very far into my personal sphere of life.

I believe that people react to rejection (from a parent), trauma or violence in different ways.

Some become fearful or anxiety prone. Some become hateful. Some become careful, calculating and seemingly in need of some kind of security or "control" in life.

Of those three categories, I definitely became the latter.

The bottom line to all this is that I now believe these subjects, painful as they might be, are important to talk about and address when and after they occur.

Trying to "bury them" is probably not the best way to go in life.

On that note, I applaud this new documentary series you write about ("I Survived") and suspect it serves a very important purpose. I hope that it not only deals with victims of crime, accidents or trauma, but also with the psychological effects on children of abandonment and rejection by a parent.

Not all trauma in life is life-threatening anymore than all rapes are violent (mine weren't).

Sometimes, the worse traumas are those that fall with the gentleness of a leaf to the ground. -- PCA

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This entry has 1 comments: (Add your own)

#1 Comment from jmuhjacat
3/28/08 7:46 PM | Permalink

Some wise and healing thoughts there, Patty. Thanks for sharing them. May they give hope and help where needed.

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Dealing With Trauma (Reply)