Stars like grains of sand in my pocket.

11:36:28 AM EDT
Feeling Chillin'

DOESN'T MEAN THERE ISN'T A FUTURE TO SEE

Little prologue first ... the Utah Mining accident ... the Mine company got socked with big fines.  This is another reason I live with my transgressions and keep on going.

See, the cats that own the company took shortcuts, KNOWINGLY endangering men at the expense of more profits.  'Only' six died, but rich cats who were getting richer, knew what the chances of danger were ... sent them down ANYWAY.

No more mine.  What effect on the community economically, is that going to have?  The lives of SO MANY people adversely affected so that a few can fatten their wallets ...

... so if I am goin' to visit Scratch, I will have plenty of company ...

... let's get to it.

SEEING THE FUTURE

Isn't that hard.  The information is all around you.  If you sit on the couch, eat junk all day, never exercise, that is a formula for 'pick your ailment', right?  So that is being able to 'see the future'.  It is all predicated on actions and experience.  Things that I know, I know not because I am that smart, but because I can read, literally and figuratively.

My Mom used to let me take the Grand River bus, down to the Olympia Stadium ALONE to see the Tommy Hearns fights ... and to the 20 Grand Ballroom on W. Grand Blvd, from the 'northwest-est' part of Detroit, 48219.  How could she do such a thing with a 10-11 year old boy?  Could you IMAGINE the trouble she would be in today?

But something that I have been able to do for the most part, is avoid the worst situations.  I used to tell My First Wife, when she would worry about things, 'hat she is worried about things that are supposed to happen to other people, that isn't supposed to happen to me!'

She didn't understand that.  She never realized that she was a part of that 'me', and I did a poor job of explaining that.  Anywho, whenever there has been some sort of 'drama' in my life, it just never has been the worst outcome possible.  Not that it turned out daisies, but still, something that I could have recovered from.

Which takes a lot of focus.  You grow stronger where life tests you, and that is how I feel.

PARADOXICALLY SPEAKING ...

We all have to cope with paradox at one time or another.  In the movie 'Million Dollar Baby', Clint Eastwood's character was faced with such a paradox, one that was I think, the ULTIMATE paradox ... because most of us will hopefully NEVER be where that character was, you can find comfort in the lesser paradoxes in our lives.

But they never seem to be small.

I like a Nietzsche line: "The formula for my happiness; a yes, a no, a straight line, a goal.  Yet the road of life is anything but straight and often 'yes and no' is blurred by shades of gray.  Sometimes you are going to have to put up with what you don't want.  Like now, I am going to try to walk to the hotel, say what I need to say to try to get my job back.  Much of what I anticipate saying is going to go against my internal paradigm.  But if the final result is one that is that allows me to reach personal goals ..?

I don't remember ... Nine Inch Nails made a song I think, called 'The Way Out Is Through'.  Working in paradox is not unlike the connotation of that title.  False modesty is a sin ... and I would add false pride as well. 

With that said ... I am going to go and see if I can't get to doing some groveling ..!  Be well, and enjoy your weekend!

 

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10:56:12 AM EDT
Feeling Anxious

ANXIOUS BECAUSE ...

... I missed a scheduled day of work.  Put the wrong date in my phone, so we will see.  Cross your fingers!

PARADIGMS

For some reason, I have always liked that buzzword.  You hear it thrown around when someone is talking to a big group at work, trying to make something sound important ... a 'Dilbert word' that the pointy-haired guy would use in the wrong way.

But it is a real word, and it does mean something.  My paradigm is one shaped by abstraction and the sense I make of the world.  Never questioned it, just did it.  Part of why I started this, was to help me make heads or tails of where I was in my mind.

One of the ways that my therapist helped me was by helping me find myself.  I had gotten a little lost and was very lonely as Mookie began to pull away.  One of the things that concerned me was some of the stories I have heard about guys like Warren 'Rampage' Jackson and many former football players.  But the theory I have had since I knew how to pronounce 'Anifowoshe', still holds.

Also, I seem to stumble on plenty of stories of people who deal with something similar as I am in their lives, and manage QUITE WELL.  Why can't I be one of those?  Only one way to find out, and that is to first BELIEVE that the most postive outcome is there for you.

Sure, it takes some effort.  You have to 'Cowboy Up' and 'Behave Like A Fighter' at times.  You do what you have to do.  I read in a story that "if you ain't watchin' life, you won't know what to do with the life you have."  I think that is true.

Coming out here, was my way of not only 'living' but 'watching others live'.  I can say that I have learned a great many things from exchanging thoughts and snapshots of life on the net, and I really appreciate the feedback.  After all, I am still going to do what I think I am going to do, per "Imperial Thinking". 

While there are different things that make up my model, the one aspect that I talk about the most, that takes up the largest of the slices, is my desire to be in love.  If that is what makes ME tick, then so what?  I am the one that have to find the balance, and not be frightenend because it is hard.  That has never been my problem, focus has been.  It is a bigger challenge now, that I am dealing ... well, I will let others fill in the rest.  But I never quit believing that I can have what I ask for out of life.

In fact, I just can't do it, not expect what I want.  My first trainer used to tell me to 'make the suffering count', when I was fighting.  He meant all the time running before school and sparring with guys who were older AND better than me.  In short, all the hard work I had done to bring me to the fight needs to mean something.

Those who have shared there thoughts out here, makes my resolve that much stronger.  Being out here has made my 'dark nights' less a pitch and more 'deep navy'.  I can see my hands in front of my face ... can make out shapes in the shadows.  Sometimes, there is even a night light in the hall for me to find my way.  And since I am not on a train track, I can resonably believe that the light ahead of me, is the light to a brighter and better path.

When I first felt Mookie wasn't 'into' our relationship, it was because my 'suffering' didn't mean as much to her.  I was in love with her, and didn't want to lose her.  But things being what they were, and with therapy helping me to again to trust what I know, I had to cowboy up, and do what I had to do...

... which was to love her more, and be extra good to her daughter, lil' Mook.  Because it wasn't going to work out, but I wanted to eliminate any questions of WHAT I DID to maintain the relationship.  That I left, is because SHE DIDN'T want it, and that is how I feel and needed to know.  Because under my paradigm, the idea of 'win back' something that I should have already clearly earned, is beyond me.  I won't do it.  If you don't want me, I won't bother you ... PERIOD.

Yes, I miss the Mook's ... but lil' Mook isn't a writer and I don't think she knows what to do with her emotions towards me.  She had a time getting over the previous camper her Mom was with ... does she miss me?  As important as that is, it isn't right now, or will be, to me and my life ... and that is because of ...

PARADOX

No, really.  I am simplfiying things.  That is howI can 'see the future'.

Because I don't intend on coming back to Detroit to live, I try to keep things as simple as I can.  Not over simplification for the sake of being simple, but simple enough.

Doesn't work out 100% of the time (otherwise, I would know if I was still employed right now!), but it has been consistently in the 90's since May.  I have things prioritzed in order: of importantance, by date, and by what I can do alone.  I don't mind shutting off a lot of things (AKA and I have talked ... she is in Penn. with a niece who is in a tennis tourney), and I go at my pace.  All I am focused on, is getting things done and that I have allowed myself 18 months (from May) to do them, keeps me from feeling rushed.

The wheels of bureacracy moves slow.  So I am just going to let them do what they do.  The thing that matters is I have to do what I supposed to do, to get them started.

... well, that time went fast ... going to get into how it is that I can see the future ..!

Enjoy Rush (2112, Moving Pictures ... and MORE!)

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1:15:49 PM EDT
Feeling Chillin'

LIKE MOST CATS ...

... I DO have 9 lives!  I don't take them for granted though.  Back in the late '80's, Marvel comics created a character named "Longshot", who's chief power was how randomly things would just 'happen' to work out his way.  You could also say his main power was his "luck".

That is how I feel, that my special "power" or gift is that I am fortunate.  Things have a way of working out for me, and overall, they do.  Somethings haven't been a beneficial, but that is okay.  MY PERSONAL LAW OF AVERAGES says that if two bad things happen to me, then three good things will follow, and one of them will be REALLY GOOD.

I am trying to do my part to up my percentages ... the goal is to get up into the 85% - 90% range. 

One of the things about "luck" is how often it falls on those who are active and working towards something with a full heart.  It always have seem that way in my life.  The more focused I have been, the harder I would work towards that point.  The harder I would work, then the luckier I would find myself being.

Like with the Dad that I have.

MY BROTHER AND ME

Are NOT his sons.  That he took and purchased a marker for my brother, says ... I don't know what it says, because he is also GREATLY flawed.  But he has worked hard, putting in 26 years at Ford and doing some OTR trucking for a good while before that.  He never claimed any high moral ground, but he does have his own code, and he acts accordingly.

The other day, when I was downtown running my errands, we bumped into each other.  Not intentionally, as I did not know he had business with the city as well, but it was good that he did.  For someone to keep saying that they are working on 'gettin' it together', and not to be able to see it, that he saw me on route, was something.  If you are going to need some help, he will give it, but you better be doing what you can do to move your own agenda. 

I was already on the scene when he met my Mother ... so he isn't my biological father.  Nor is he my brother's.  But he never once treated us like any thing other than his sons.  We never felt that he was any other person than our Father. 

Me, Clint Eastwood in '...Baby', and my Dad with Jan and my Army sister ... and sometimes, HIS daughter ... what is with girls and their Father's ..?  That might be another thought, but anyway, Me & my brother, and our step, Dunie, all have good relations with our Father.  That he stepped up once again and pulled a memorial off (what is it about times like this bringing out the worst in folks ..?) in my eyes mitigates what ever negatives about the man you can find.

It meant a lot to me that he did this for my brother.  He knew I was struggling to get the money together and he stepped to the plate wordlessly.  Which is a great way to segue into my next entry ... PARADOX, PARADIGMS, AND HYPOCRISY ... or HOW I CAN SEE THE FUTURE ..!

 

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2:29:40 PM EDT
Feeling Chillin' A SINGLE SET OF FOOTPRINTS

Right now, I am not so worried about that.  I can ‘see’ where there is more length to my road and there is further for me to travel.  I look forward to being in a place where I can call it my own, and say that life is good … not that it isn’t good now, but, you know what I mean ..!

TO ME, WE LOOK LIKE WE BELONG TO EACH OTHER

This isn't a love-struck teen.  The picture that she took of us, impromptu and spontaneous, captured what is really there, that we look like we belong to each other.

Our propotion to one another, my shoulders being wide enough to comfortably hold her, she being tall enough to not be overwhelmed, has me thinking we make a tremendous couple.

Trying to describe her is tricky, as a woman's figure is a sensitive subject.  But if you have seen the songstress Jill Scott, then you can imagine from there what it is I SEE when I look at her, because Jill Scott is THE ONE!!

It isn't thatr I don't know what it is like to 'look like a couple'.  Me and My Delta Girl looked good together; so did me and Pecan Sandie.  My First Wife and I looked bad together, and as much as I adored Tee Jay, I don't think the camera should be pointed at us unless you want to start a fight.

Letting Nebraska take a picture of me PERIOD was big.  I don't like pictures of myself.  I don't see the person I feel I should when I look at them, though I like what I see in  the mirror.  When Iwas with Nebraska, the pictures looked nice, and that was because I was happy and with the person that I want to be with.

Sorry about the length ... next up, is what me and my Dad did last week, and I will let y'all in on why I know what is going to be my next set of thoughts before I think them ..!

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2:01:32 PM EDT
Feeling Chillin'

... let 'em keep going ..!

Did the Royal Oak garage sale yesterday.  Did get a metal 'picnic basket' for a dollar, and a cool jacket and hat for $6!  Not bad at all ...

... and I saw a furniture set that if I had a place to put it, I would like (forgot I would need money ... but why worry about window shopping funding?)  Looking at all the 'stuff' from '70's albums, to pictures and just all kind of knick-knack stuff, had me get excited about moving to Nebraska.  Never have I minded starting at zero and working my way to having things set the way that I want them.  Can't account for a 'taste', sort of just get what I think I like and set it in the room!

... oh, so THAT'S how you do it ...

... talking about a 'meme'.  Don't know what the word means, even though I see it out here often enough.  This one was put up on a journal, "Inner and Outer Demons", (sorry, don't know how to 'link' either!) and I posted my answers in my reply ... but I was supposed to post them HERE.

And this is what I would do if any of y'all came here to Detroit.

 

If you came to my house… 

I’d probably feed you:  Whatever they brought out of the kitchen at Xochimilocos' down in southwest ...

And offer you this to drink:  Some nice cold and refreshing Kool-aid ..!  Either that or soda pop!  You want beer, then I would DARE you to walk the two blocks with me to get it from the liquor store!

I’d undoubtedly ask if you’d read:  One of Stephen Kings old story ... that or Judy Blume or any of the 'Encyclopedia Brown' stories ..!  Really, either something by King ... more apt to wonder about your taste in movies

I’d want to play this music for you: Some alternative pop from the early 90's -- my favorite music era (that's is russ' answer... I would add some of the different genre of electroinica music around ...)

I’d want to tell you about: How the secret societies are getting way ahead of things, and that society is entering a dark period, particularly in the US ...

I’d probably suggest a game of: What ever you would like to play ... I would have to ask my friend Hutch for a couple of his as I only have PS 2, and only play EA SPORTS with that ..!

I would definitely show off:  My picture of me and KT ... I love waking up and seeing that photo on the wall ..!

I might get on the computer and show you:  What me and Nebraska look like together ...

If it was a long enough visit, we might watch: Some old movie ... prolly from the 50's and in technicolor .. or something current from the art house ..

Ok, that was me-- now....

aoljurlAdd, aoljurlAdd_1

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11:48:59 AM EDT
Feeling Chillin'
Hearing cool a** Interpol video on YOU TUBE ..!

CLEAN UP

... I DID forget to mention that I found my little notebook!  The pages were soaked, so I gently pulled them apart and laid them on the floor to dry.  The main thing is that I got what I wanted out of it, and still have the meaning of its essence present in my life!

It also serves as a microcosm of how I aim to see the rest of my life.

PUNISHMENT RUN

Not that I EVER think of working out as punishment.  But it is the frame of mind, TO PUNISH not BEING PUNISHED that I am thinking from.  Tuesday was a long, wearying but highly productive day ... one which will be the subject of an entry next week. 

But a 'punishment run' is to evoke the images of a rough and tough fight, one that you have to 'break down' your opponent.  You have to 'take some to get some' and that is why I call it a 'punishment run'.  It is where you earn the right to get fit, by pushing yourself when you could call it a day.  The New Balance ad campaign currently is about the love/hate relationship you have with running.  Good ads, and they hit it right on.  Worth paying a little more attention to, if you are a regular runner or even if you think you want to start getting more fit, as you get a heads up on what to expect.

NEBRASKA

The person.

She is prettier than I thought she COULD be.  Her words, when she speaks float through the air and I feel alert, as I don't want to miss an utterance.  Just a weekend you say?  Well, how much do you need to know before you know?

How it works for me, is that there are ALWAYS signs more than intent.  I never just look at a girl and thinks she is hot and go after her.  There is always something 'special' for me and to me.  Whenever I think back to meeting my first wife, and how unremarkable for me that occasion was ... anyway, there has never been a time where there wasn't a 'ping' for me.  I think that I am lucky that way ... sometimes I get 'readings' even when I am not trying, as if my radar activates when something comes into my 'airspace', if you will.

Whatever brought us together, she always registered a 'ping'.  Why? I can't say, which is why Russ' comment about 'thinking' hangs with me.  Einstein said things should be made as simple as they can be, but not to simple.  So with that in mind, and remember, this is supposed to be understood by ME, and if anyone else gets it, cool, but don't try too hard to, is some of why I feel like I do about Nebraska.

When I was a kid watching Johnny Rodgers on the College Football Highlight shows (he and Connie Hawkins are the first two athletes to have penetrated my child mind and stay), I always have paid a little more attention whenever I would hear 'Nebraska' in the news.  I have a feeling for the place.

Nebraska LOOKS like I want my partner to look, and her voice is the voice I want to answer to, the one that I want to scold me for leaving the seat up, and whose voice is the one I want to fill with emotion when I give her gifts.  For me, it is all so simple, that it gets frustrating that someone could doubt my feelings as being true.  This has always happened for me, finding myself smitten.  Yet because of my LIFE'S EXPERIENCE, I know that the world is different, and that I can't just run out into the street with out looking.

Now, with the internet dating thing so prevalent and with so many people using alternative ways to meet and find love and romance, I sort of get a little gristly when she says 'she doesn't see how I could be feeling ...' and you can plug in the affirming adjective.  I have to remind myself, that she doesn't have to 'see', because I KNOW that it IS.

Denial.

That is what I would be doing if I did not push further with her.  Living in denial of all the things that matter and make sense TO ME.  I have my challenges, and when I get to her, I will tell her them.  If she would like to sit in on a session, she will be allowed.  I am not going to hide anything.  I want to go on forward with a happy and growing relationship.

When the Skimmie called me the other day, one of our topics was internet relationships.  Not only is she willing to have one, she has dated cats she met on line and would EVEN MOVE if the relationship required it.  It is a matter of course that I would do something like that because I ALREADY HAVE.

She asked if I had given any thought to My Delta Girl and asked if I have thought about going back to Carolina, since I call it 'home'.  Yes, it is always there because home is always in your heart.  But I have my sights set on Nebraska, and whatever else happens, will happen.

As I have been considering a major change in my philosophy, one of the pillars has been my desire to find a partner for life.  I had always felt that life is best shared, and I want to find someone and share life.

But Mookie didn't think that finding that person was 'that important'.  Other 'Ex List' folks have me thinking ... and honestly, I don't want to over think ... this has been a running topic, because I am not filling my thought with 'detritus'.

Think about what I want to think about.  And I think about Nebraska.  A lot.

Don't want to bore y'all with the monotony of my mooning over her.  But I do in my heart.  Which is why I had to tell her that when I get there, it will be HER DECISION to set the boundaries. If she wants more than a 'friendship', she will HAVE TO SAY SO.  I have only the 'no benefits' thing ... because that only complicates relationship.  Again ... EXPERIENCE. 

As to being happy without her ... yeah, I will be, and that isn't just talk.  The Susan Ager column in last Sunday's Freep http://www.freep.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=2008807130634, along with Beth and Bucko's relationship (or at least how I view it) only strengthened my resolve and deepened my desire for 'my love and light of my eyes' to stand before me...

... and she will.

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3:36:36 PM EDT
Feeling Chillin'

... but a TIRED PUPPY!

Work was wearying!  I want to think that I kept up, but won't be mad if I was told I was a little slow ... this is where you use the 'new guy' stuff to get over!

Caught the bus to get home and had to get off at Grand River and Oakman to catch another bus ... to say it is a chippy neighborhood would be redundant, so I won't.  No bus sign, so I am just standing there when the bus to take me home rolls up.  He didn't want to stop, but he only made me run a half block!  Cool, because I didn't want to have to call nobody, I am a big boy and can do this myself.

Got home, got settled and about midnight, I reached for my little note book to go over my thoughts, check my lottery tickets and that stuff.  Wasn't in my bag ... but I know I had it out to check bus schedules!  Could I have left it on the bus?  Or could I have dropped it?

We had thundershowers last night in Detroit, dontcha know!

So that meant that my little notebook, if not left on the bus, was sitting soaking wet.  And there really wasn't any choice.  I wanted it back so I got on my bike (it is 'repaired' but I am disappointed by the service) and rode out.  I was hoping to run into the driver on his route and about 15 minutes into the ride, I did!  The book wasn't on there, so I knew my only hope was to find it at the bus stop.  Did I want this thing that bad?

I got on my bike and kept on peddling towards it.

Detroit is rough town.  This was late, and it was wet from the showers.  I didn't want to catch a flat tire from the broken glass which decorates the streets, and I most DEFINITELY didn't want to get hit by a car OR shot, which are always real possibilities.  But I wanted that notebook. 

Being out that late reminded me of when I would train for fights and go out in the neighborhood,ten, eleven o'clock in the P.M. and run.  I was really just a nerveless little boy, a teenager.  I thought to myself, if a 15-year old kid could do this (and I know I would have), then a 40-year old non-virgin could too!

... and I did!

SCENE FROM THE BUS

The 'freight' was packed, stand room only.  I was lucky enough to get a seat in the back by the motor, as no one wanted to seat so cramped.  But it was other wise SRO, and if it wasn't 80 people on the bus, there wasn't one.

So the driver was irritated.  Crap bus whose fare box wasn't working, filled to near capacity with loads of others waiting at each stop.  Riders antsy because it is uncomfortable (though as for that, the air DID work) and me hoping that I don't break out in a sweat, and my Butterfingers don't melt (now Violet, how come you wouldn't think that I feel a little stressed right now?).  Then, this lanky, stumbling drunk of a man came unto the bus, with the bus driver bellowing as he pushed through to the back, "Let this man sit DOWN!  He's drunk and he is going to fall on somebody!"

He is also the cat who I couldn't beat in the amateurs.  We lived 3 blocks from one another.

He recognized me straight away.  As soon as he began talking, his 'file' clicked open, and he began to talk in the ramble that men like that have, going all over the place, making enough sense to be funny and not enough to make you think he has it all together.

Talked about the neighborhood and jr. high.  Talked about my Mother, who though he was a nice kid.  And he talked about Kronk.

For those who don't know, the Kronk gym was THE premier boxing gym BY FAR in the world.  From amateur champions, world champs in the pros, the Kronk seems to be full of them.

He was drinking cheap vodka, looking every bit the part of the buffoon.  I could sense the 'eye roll' and the crazy drunk rambling thoughts ... and I just listened to him, just like I did when I was a kid ...

Finally, he came to a stop after a wild cell phone conversation with a woman, his partner.  When he got off the bus, I smiled because I remembered how much my Mother liked him and how she said he helped her.

I also smiled, because I was wearing my A-shirt (that is a.k.a a 'wife beater' for fans of 'COPS'), so I 'looked the part'.  I told the other men back there, that yes, at one time, he was one of the better fighters in the country, and I only beat him once in five tries.  Sometimes, you just can't get out of your own way ...

...oh, and I was hoping no one started anything with him, because I WASN'T HELPING NO ONE..!  They laughed, but they have NO IDEA that I was serious, and that cat, if motivated, would have changed someone's life with a punch ...

... did I ever mention how 'small' Detroit is for me?  I ALWAYS run into people from my past, when I least expect to see them!

Like the call I got from the Fly Skimmie.  She is a senior level executive for a big placement agency.  She went to a site in Indiana to do a meet and greet.  Driving, she decided to give me a call.  Good conversation, and we made tentative plans to hang out.  We may, we may not.  I don't know ...

... Nebraska is all in mind.

BUT FIRST ... THE ADVICE

So I need to think 'less'.  I had already decided to cut down on the 'levels' I was working with, dealing and observing life through a less reflective prism.  So that I am carrying some of these entries over the days, means that is what is, and has been in my 'mind's eye' as a point of focus.

That is my way of 'thinking less'.  Focusing on fewer things.  Work is work and will take care of itself.  I clean and cook when I get the chance, and I get to sit and keep my own peace.  Looking forward to getting things going, and things are going well so far.

... so ... as to Nebraska ... what to say about her?

SHOULD HAVE DONE SOME OF THIS IN 'NAVY'

Long, I know ... but going to get some of this out.

I think she is beautiful inside and out, and has always been that way to me.  She speaks to something deep within ME and that is why I love her like I do.

Never asked her to feel the same or say anything like that.  This was something that was for ME to work thru, not her.  Does she has her 'issues'?  Yes, she does, and it isn't that I don't anticipate that were we to ever be a couple, that we wouldn't have or develop more.

There are a plenty of signs that says this should be a 'go' for ME.  Everywhere I look, all that I hear, confirm that leaving Detroit is the RIGHT decision and that there is no reason FOR ME to think that I couldn't find love with her.

Notice how I stress FOR ME.  No one is talking about 'her'.  This concept is getting clearer each day, that she is a great woman for me and that we would have that rare opportunity to have that fulfilling love.  But what does she think?  I don't really know, and I don't bother her with it.  That would be getting my priorities out of whack.  Yes, I want someone and want that someone to be her, but ...

... but this has ran long enough ... I just hope I can make the darn night ..!

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2:19:03 PM EDT
Feeling Confident

BUTTERFLIES

... but no more than usual and nothing I can't deal with.  I am about 1/4 mile from the hotel, don't have to be there until 4 pm.  As ready as I am going to get!

GREEN IS FOR ...

... Fitness!  I am still doing my little work out routine, and today I even watched some FIT TV on the DirectTV this morning.  Personally, I have never cared for Gilad but he had a good routine going today ... can't recall the lady who followed his show, but she is real good.

They have a blonde girl at eight who works hard ... I have seen her show before.  The are all pretty good, and they use equipment that can be stored easily in the home.  The results they show is what you can expect ... after a few years of diet along with execise!  But the results will start showing in about six-eight weeks, and I believe when you start seeing the gain, you will intensify your work out ...

... raise the curtain

PLANNING FOR THE FUTURE

And at this age, I do believe that it is the failure to plan that makes most people unhappy.  They find themselves dealing with situations that are outside their expectations and they have no idea of how it came to be this way.  Can't say that I fit this profile.  It isn't that I don't make plans, but that I get distracted on the follow thru.

That is why AKA is going to be LEFT upset, and why I intend on moving on.  As I told her, she will either get over it or she won't, but not to expect me to remain idle.  I won't keep her strung out, that isn't part of my 'player game'. 

Forget that.  I want to be in love and have some one love me.  She has her issues with me, Mookie had hers, and that was fine.  Look down on me if you like, but YOU AREN'T A DAISY either, so stick that in your cap.

My primary problem with her presently is that she has in no way convinced me that she feels otherwise about me, from back when years ago we joked and she admitted she normally doesn't date cats like me, and doesn't date cats with children.  She said that, makes observations in passing (recently, she spoke of a friend of a friend who has 'extraneous' children), and when we have 'talk of the town' discussions, doesn't back away from being dismissive to the 'other side' in these broken down familial relations.

Now, I have told her TWICE that I understand and that I will work WITHIN that border.  Keeps me from feeling responsible for the crap SHE is dealing with ... "Inner Demons?"  ... CLEAN YOUR HOUSE ... the one YOUR PARENTS BOUGHT YOU ..!

She has emailed me a couple of times, though she knows I have no computer at home.  Good goat thinking, but I am not biting.  I told her that I apologized for some of the things I said, but what she wants, I am not giving her and I told her so.  Not in couched terms, but "No, I am not going to say 'sorry' for it, and if you don't want to work with it, then don't.  I'll not bother you."

"I am going to get over you.  I like you, and you did at one time mean a lot to me.  But you set the boundaries and I complied.  As to changing things, there is more to it than just, "Let's Up the Ante."  From what you told me you were going to do with yourself, we are heading in different destinations.  I told you I would hang where I can, and when you need to seperate, let you go."

"But I don't think you are going to do the same for me.  Fine."

That is about as close to what I said to her.  All of this had me thinking that this whole love thing needs a make over.  I won't spend the time in my life dealing with someone who doesn't think that being in love is worth the work and the risks.  When I used to box, me and my trainer had to have something else going, because I was putting my life in his hands.  The cats in Iraq are close and make those bonds because they are forged in blood.  I still remember the girl who got a medal for racing around doing her medic thing, under heavy hostile fire ... she trusted that cats had her back as she raced around doing her job ...

Someone who doesn't understand that kind of relationship, someone who isn't willing to forge one, isn't my kind of woman.  Period.

And that brings me to "What's up with Nebraska? <the person>"

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1:45:52 PM EDT
Feeling Intense

PROLOGUE

In Sunday's Freep, Mitch Albom wrote a column about Jesse Jackson's comments towards Barack Obama's words on Father's Day (I think), and how it inspired him to offer up his services as a surgeon for Sen. Obama.

Though I feel that this is a two sided coin, and yes Madeline (for the record, I LOVE that name!!), let's stick with the Men for today ... the ability to leave and shuck responsibility being something that they have been able to get away with for too long ... and I know because I am one of them.  When Sen. Obama spoke, I wasn't offended as much as feeling embarrassed for being part of something that fuels many of the countries social problems.  Not being ostracized allows me to sleep at night -- but what of the single Moms, who despite how they got to be a single Mother, did not grow up with the notion of struggling with the burden.

What struck me about Rev. Jackson's comments were two fold.  First, it was generic enough to include ALL layabout Dad's, not just US specifically.  Black folks really need to get off thinking that we are alone with such a problem.  What makes it seems like that we are struggling by ourselves with single parenting, is that we allow for it to be sold and marketed back to us through the media, in movie, music and in television shows.  We are the ones who trumpet this negative behavior, and that what makes it seems like it is 'just us' who have to deal with it.  It happens in MANY other groups and not just endemic to African Americans.

Second, I think that escaped Rev. Jackson's idle mind because there is a little jealousy in the mix as well.  He has to find a new constituency to serve, and NO ONE has spoken up for the non-custodial parent ... in fact, it was toxic to try to speak for the absent father's in these relationship.  Come on, admit it ... there isn't any amount of mitigation to make anyone feel sorry for cats who have done what I have, and there is many who would say that I am getting my 'just desserts' now ...

... that said, with the mainstream blacks following Sen. Obama, Rev. Jackson has to find something to remain relevant in the national salons.  The sun is setting on his role in black social politics ... and in REAL politics as well.  While Sen. Obama's success, whether or not he gains the White House is progress, we still need someone to fill the role Rev. Jackson has played in the nation's moral compass.

PEARLS BEFORE SWINE

Sunday's strip had two characters, Goat and Rat featured.  Goat was vexed because he couldn't get to his blog; Rat then became hysterical, checked to see if the was anything happening outside, satisfied that it wasn't, came back to where Goat was and said: "And yet somehow the world goes on."

Funny?  I think so!!!

... on with the show.

LOVE IS A MANY SPLENDORED THING

Great movie.  I saw it this weekend ... on one of the hundreds of channel that come streaming into my bedroom.  Anyway, now I have to deal with some real setbacks, both crucial to me.

Tomorrow I will start work.  I decided to press on because to my understanding, I can earn as much as I can on a probationary period.  We will find out, because that is what I am going to do.  My nerves come from that, and honestly, I don't know how much I have in the tank for an 8hr day.  Banquet serving isn't brain surgery ... but then, it could be said brain surgery isn't banquet service!

Maybe I should have said, "it isn't rocket science" instead ... CONSIDERING!

AKA got mad at me cause I wouldn't go where she lead me to, and I flat out turned and walked away from it.  Though she has her serious demerits, I do like her and I miss her, as she is.  I would like to think I could help her get to where she is going, but her issues are best leaked out slowly ... after all the reason that I turned away from her talk is, this is a time I MUST do what I think is best.  BS'ing people isn't part of what I think is best for me to do.

From Russ' comment about my 'thinking too much' to something he said more recently about my having written "Excellent practical words about love ... how do you do it?", I don't know if I can say 'how' ... but I do think it matters less than if you have a 'why'.

One recurring issue I have cropped up against is that people don't have a 'why', at least not one that is rational or reasonable.  Because of some decisions that I have made, I know that my hopes are hamstrung.  This doesn't mean that I am willing to 'take what I could get', because I still think of myself as a viable and capable partner.

There are two new shows set to debut, one in the fall on CBS, "The Ex List" and the other on Bravo, "Must Love Kids".  They both conceptually struck a chord in me.  I am already doing a 'reality version' of the "The Ex List", where a younger woman has a psychic reveal that she has already met and dated her life love, and she has to go back to find him.

The Bravo show is one I am personally familiar with, as I can honestly say that I NEVER though less of any woman with children ... from nearly out the gate.  As a senior, I dated a girl with a two year old, and three women that I care for deeply (Mookie, Tee Jay, and my First Wife {her, not so much!}) had children when I met them.

But there is a hypocrisy at play here, at least as far as I am concerned.  I have my girls, and though me and Skye aren't close, the two little girls and I enjoy healthy, positive relationships.  Still, there are some who I havementioned that would look down on me and my role in their lives at first glance.  Fine, I can deal.

... as to where this is going to ... have to get back to you on that ... this is going to be a little bit of 'thinking more to think less' here ...

 

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11:58:10 AM EDT
Feeling Pensive
Hearing Some songs that come to my mind

THE SERIES AIN'T A SERIES ...

... till someone loses a home game.  Things have been going so well for me since I have been back, the setbacks small and the only major issue, that my eldest girl isn't into giving me a chance, was expected.  I will keep at her, and who knows what will happen.  Hopefully we will get together and share some good times with each other.

But finally two large things went awry this week ... the job that I thought I had, I don't.  Seems that my Social Security would be revoked if I were to take the job because I would earn too much money.  I do intend on taking a chance and getting 'back on the grid', just not now and not in Detroit, if that can be helped.  As difficult as it is to find work, there aren't too many 'custom opportunities' available, if you know what I mean ... a job that is willing to let me come in for a couple of days a week for a few hours and such ...

... oh, and AKA and I fell out as well.

I don't think anything permanently damaging to our relationship was done, but I didn't care to play in her 'hypothetical' game.  So she got mad, and I went along in my way.  But trying to shake of the 'feeling' has been hard.  It would have been nice to have worked at a place that could have been so functional in my life ... getting hotel discounts and such.  Not only that, perhaps when I relocate, I would have been able to move right into a job as well.

So now, I have to deal with some unexpected problems.  The swing emotionally is what I worry about.  Already grinding away at things ... and when you are doing that, setbacks are magnified.  But what am I to do?  The goal, of going out west and leaving Detroit hasn't changed.  Maybe the timing will change as this will affect other things that must be done before I leave.  Trying to stay 'on message' and not let my imagination take flight would have been the only challenge I would have had to deal with, along with Skye.

... anyway ...

AS A MAN THINKETH

I was in my 'tweens' when my Mom gave me that book.  She had a lot of questions that she couldn't answer about her oldest son, and he had some questions that she didn't quite have a fix on either.  So she gave me books and this was one of them.

My first literary hero was Richard Wright.  'Black Boy' was a classic but I most identified with his 'anti-hero' Cross Damon in the 'Outsider'.  Between him and Ellison's 'Invisible Man' with a little bit of Orwell's 'Winston', a big part of my character was shaped.  Other outside forces applied pressure to it, and it developed cracks.

I am going to change some aspects to my personal philosophy.  I have been really thinking about what is going to change, and the changes will begin rightnow, not at some point in the future.  That is what spurred the firefight between AKA and I, that I don't want to be the same, that I don't want to be where you think I am trending.  Going to find something new, and do that for a bit.  Take what I think will work, and liberally add what I BELIEVE will work, and go with it.

Time to go and get me some cookies ... and go home a watch the telly ... this DirectTV is addictive ..!

 

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