Heard at Starbucks

                             

Holy Smoke-Free Environment, Batman!  Eyes were popping at 7th and Montana this morning as word spread that a team of Anonymous Vigilantes descended upon Our Favorite Starbucks last night and applied "No Smoking" Stickers everywhere in sight.  Just who is our Dark Knight?  No one knows for sure but inside sources point to a certain Dynamic Duo who -- like many of us -- have become increasingly fired-up about the growing influx of smokers at 7th and Montana.  To these Caped Crusaders I say "Bravo" and thanks for improving our neighborhood.  Tonight I'm sending out a Bat-Signal in the hopes that, for your next performance, you'll do something to Stamp Out Doggy Doo on our sidewalks once and for all ...!

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It was Many Happy Returns this morning at 7th and Montana as Rita made the scene, fresh from her Back to Nature retrreat in the Mayan Jungles of Tulum.  Just how "au naturel" did she go?  Apparently the beaches of Tulum are Nude -- or what insiders like to call "clothing optional" -- and Rita really got into the spirit of things.  The highlight of her trip was when a Renegade Group of Guerillas -- armed with both rifles and cameras -- emerged out of nowhere and starting shooting up a storm.  Fortunately, they were merely shooting pictures ...!

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You know you've "arrived" at 7th and Montana when the Baristas start reserving tables for you.  That became apparent last week when Barista Tyler rushed over to one of the few available tables at Our Favorite Starbucks and held it for me with a "Reserved for Marty" sign.  "How nice of you," I said, "but I have a few reservations of my own."  Right there, staring me in the face -- on the flip side of the "Reserved for Marty" sign -- was a teaser advertisement promoting a mysterious new pastry.  The text read, "With whole-grain fiber, whole-fruit goodness and Omega 3s to boot!"  Honestly, I wouldn't know an Omega 3 from an Andromeda Strain, but I can't help thinking that I've somehow been "insulted" ...!

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Head for the Hills, Folks:  The Local Eccentric known among insiders as "My Favorite Martian" landed at 7th and Montana this morning and he's sporting a Bold, New Look.  Gone is the "Signature Retractable Antennae" he normally wears on top of his head and in its place is a Light Brown Fright Wig.  Today he spent more than 30-minutes barking into a cell phone, no doubt plotting an invasion.  "I'll get the F---cking Government," he screeched, "I'll get them all and I couldn't be happier about it ...!"

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Tongues were wagging at 7th and Montana this morning on rumors that Joyce is getting an Early Start on her Second Childhood.  How?  By enrolling herself in a Preschool Class, of course!  Actually, there's a method to her madness and it's called Reggio Emilia, an innovative educational philosophy that encourages youngsters to learn by doing.  Named for the town in Italy where it was established, Reggio Emilia teaches preschoolers to become creative problem solvers by giving them an element of control over the direction of their learning.  Kids dream up their own projects and work on them, together, under the guidance of specially-trained teachers.  Joyce's grandson, Alex, will be attending a Reggio Emilia Preschool this Fall, so Joyce is taking an educational course to learn more about it.  Now that's what I call a Class Act ...!

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They say the Road to 7th and Montana is Paved with Good Intentions, but today it was just being paved, period, as a work crew arrived on the scene to apply a coat of slurry.  Sections of Montana and Palisades Avenues were closed to traffic all day while work progressed under the guidance of a Suspiciously Camera-Shy Road Worker.  "Put that camera away, no pictures of me, no pictures of me ... Leave me out of your pictures!," screamed the worker-in-question, while his colleagues tried to figure out what was making him so nervous.  "Not to worry," I muttered under my breath, "I'm not taking any pictures ... I'm simply calling Homeland Security to say 'hello' ...!"

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I knew something was up the minute I walked into Starbucks this morning.  "There he is," said Barista Nada, quietly pointing me out to one of her new colleagues, "He's the one we were just talking about."  The Newbie Barista-in-Question, Matt, somehow stumbled across my blog and was apparently asking questions.  "I saw your website," he said, "I was in it ... except you cut my head off."  Indeed, a review of some of my recent entries reveals that, on July 3rd, Matt offered me a free sample of Green Tea Lemonade which I inadvertently compared to a Glass of Urine.  I'm so sorry, Matt, for cutting off your head and refusing to sample such a Refreshing Beverage.  I promise to do better next time.  Welcome to 7th and Montana ...!

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It was a Hostile Takeover at 7th and Montana yesterday as an Anonymous Bulgarian made the scene, intent on taking over the Starbucks Corporation.  "I'm from Bulgaria and there are going to be some changes around here," she announced loudly as she whipped out her cell phone.  Then she dialed a number -- presumably at Starbucks headquarters -- and began barking out orders in Broken English.  "I told you yesterday and I'm telling you today, I'm taking over," she yelled, "I'm starting with the fruits and juices."  Unfortunately, she left in a huff before I could get her policy on Apple Fritter Disarmament ...!

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It was an evening to remember last night as I joined a group of colleagues to support a "Blu Carpet" event at The Playboy Mansion to celebrate the official kick-off of ESPN's annual ESPY Awards.  Basically, we transformed a corner of the mansion into a Blu-ray Disc Lounge allowing professional athletes and celebrities ranging from Jose Canseco to Hugh Hefner a chance to see some High-Definition Perfection.  Naturally, Playboy trotted out some eye candy of its own.  A group of Playboy Bunnies made the scene "in the raw."  Their outfits -- pictured above -- consisted mainly of strategically-placed body paint designed to look like clothing.  Click here for the official wire photos from the event.

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Research suggests that rising gas prices have taken their toll on the nation's economy.  Here's how some of the locals at 7th and Montana are coping:  Gary attached a small engine to his scooter and is zipping around town at speeds of up to 15 miles per hour;  Joyce has taken to riding the Big Blue Bus to Jury Duty;  and Arnold Schwarzenegger, not to be outdone, has had his Hummer modified to run exclusively on Vegetable Oil.  Speaking of Vegetables, a Dazed and Confused Woman arrived on the scene this morning astride her very own Dog Sled.  Her dog apparently pulled her to Starbucks on a skateboard.  Now that's what I call fuel efficiency ...!

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