Sunkissed

Whats been going on in my life:

June 20-28:Went to Mexico on a youth mission trip, we built 13 houses and 1 church. This experience was life changing for me. The family my group built a house for will be forever in my heart. There was a husband and wife, and they had two children. They made us lunch everyday, they helped build the house with us, the children loved us and we played with them a lot. They lived in one of the better neighborhoods. It was extremely hot in Mexico, the second day we were there the heat got up to 117 degrees. It was terrible, and I was already ready to leave. I am glad I stuck it out though because building that house for the family was amazing. I also got really close to so many people there from my church and I feel like there my family

July 7-present: New Quarter of school, and it is kicking my butt. I have English 101, graphic design 1, and intro to psychology. I have so much homework its insane and it never ends. There are times that I feel like I just want to give up, that I am not smart enough for school but I know that those are lies and I can do this. I will graduate from school!!

August 5- Ethan Beckman was born!!!! Mike's second oldest sister and her husband gave birth to a little boy. They live in NC so we cant see the baby, but hopefully they will send us a picture soon!

August 5-tattoo number 3!!! This one is on my left wrist. I love my new tattoo so much, it is the word Faith, and the t is a cross. This tattoo means a lots to me because it declares my love for Jesus, and it is covering some of the cuts that I have made on my wrist, which to me feels like Jesus had washed me clean and given me new life.

I am sure there are more things that have happened but for now this will work!!

thank you all for reading my journal and giving me such helpful advice

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I cant believe how long it has been since I have written, so much has changed in the past month I felt like I didn't know were to begin. I will say though that I am so much happier, God has completely delivered me out of that terrible situation I was in. A little over a month ago Barbara kicked me out of her house, it was shocking but immediately I felt a huge sense of relief. I mean for months I was praying that God would help me escape from that situation, to move on and focus on the next chapter of my life, and he answered my prayers. Currently I am living at my boyfriend's parents house. I am so grateful there letting me stay here for as long as I need. It's also so wonderful that now I live much, much closer to my boyfriend and we can actually see each other more then once a week. I am also officially a college student, I cant believe it. I mean never in my life did I picture me going to college and actually loving it too!! My first day was May 15th, and this week will be my first full week of school. I go 4 times a week, 4 hrs a day. I'm taking information literacy, and environmental science. I have the same teacher for both classes, he's very laid back and extremely smart and funny. My class is small which I enjoy and I get along very well with everyone in my class.

            God has also really been teaching me how to deal with stress and hard times the right way instead of going to cutting myself. I have gone over a month without cutting myself, it is a huge accomplishment for me. I will sadly admit though that last week I got into a fight with my boyfriend and I felt like such a terrible terrible girlfriend. It was very overwhelming the feeling that came over me. So when I got off the phone with him I decided to cut, and so I did, I cut myself twice on my upper arm. It was strange really, I didn't get any sense of relief from it at all, and normally when I would cut I would cut my whole arm up, but this time I stopped at two. I am not going to look at this as I failed, that I opened the door for this addiction to come back into my life. Yes I fell down, but God has picked me up and forgiven me and I am going to continue on his path.

         My boyfriend and I are doing very well despite that fight I was talking about before. Were really learning how to communicate better. I love Mike so much, he truly is my best friend and soul mate. I cant picture life without him. Tuesday is our 3 yr anniversary, I'm so excited to have known him this long and I cant wait to be with him for all the yrs to come.

         This week is going to be busy and fun, I have school all week and Mike and Is anniversary is on Tuesday. Mike's roommate is also graduating college on Saturday so on Thursday I'm going to go to his music recital because Mike is also playing, then on Saturday were going to go to his graduation, and right after that he's having a huge party. I'm so excited it will be a lot of fun. Mike and I have gotten pretty close to Clay and his fiance. We hang out with them a lot and its really nice to have another couple our age to hang out with.

       Well I must get going I have to get ready for school, hopefully I will have time this week to write another entry....it felt pretty good to write again.

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I have gone 10 days without cutting myself!!! I am in shock, the longest I have gone is 2 so this is a big deal to me. I thank the Lord for strengthening me, for revealing to me what my sin looks like through his eyes. I still have not talked to Barbara about it, I know I should, it's  just absolutely terrifying to expose myself like that. Two days after she saw the cuts on my arm she called Mike(my boyfriend) and talked to him about it, asking him what she should do. He just told her that yes I told him about it and that he thinks she needs to talk to me about it. That was the last I have heard about it all. I'm sure its still on her mind, just like it's still on mine. My friend Cassie really encouraged me to be truthful with Barbara, and to ask for her forgiveness for lying. I know she's right.

         I'm not happy with my body at all, of course I've never been happy with my body so what's new. I'm really trying to lose some weight now but I am finding it difficult because I don't know how to do it the healthy way. The only way I know how to do it is by restricting to a couple hundred calories a day. So that's what I have been doing, eating as little as possible, today though after dinner with Barbara and Sam I ended up having a small binge. It wasn't a binge in the sense that I consumed a lot of calories but more so it was the way I felt I had an uncontrollable urge to shovel food into my mouth, I needed it now,now,now. I feel so guilty about giving in and eating, I know I will wake up tomorrow feeling 10 lbs heavier. So of course in my mind that means since I screwed up today I have to be really strict with myself for the next couple day. I just want to lose weight, and be thin and beautiful, and happy. Why do I think thinness is going to make me happy? and I know that even when I was thin I could never see it, I always felt like I needed to lose more weight. A memory popped into my head, one that happened three yrs ago. I was heavily consumed by anorexia, it was my life. I was living with my boyfriend at the time(now ex boyfriend). It was spring, and I was staying at my parents house for the weekend because I wanted to go shopping with my sister(I had a lot of money to spend) I got there Friday night and she had Brittany sleeping over as well. Brittany is my sister's best friend and also Mike's(my boyfriend) younger sister. I remember getting off of work and going home to pack a couple things to bring to my parents house, and then driving over there. My parents had so much food to me, food I would never ever let enter my body but when your always starving when your always on edge and always thinking about food being in a situation like that is dangerous for an anorexic and bulimic. There is just way to much temptation. I remember I lost my control and the urge to eat food took over so strongly that I sat on the kitchen floor shoveling endless amounts of food into my mouth, not even tasting any of it. I remember Becky and Brittany sitting with me, not really sure if they should help me or what. I kept asking Becky to make me this and that, now and fast hurry before I realize how out of control I am. I need food now. Then panicked I got up as fast as I could, walked past my mom who had a disturbed look on her face and vanished into the bathroom to purge. Nothing would come out though, I was in to much of a panic. This of course made me even more nervous because I fast terrified of gaining weight, I was certain that I was already getting fatter by the second. I left the bathroom in tears, and everyone came around me to comfort me and I kept sobbing saying over and over again I'm fat, I'm fat. It was such a terrible moment for me, I ended up settling for laxatives and the next day while getting my hair done and shopping the laxatives took full revenge on me, it was terrible but of course comforting to me at the time. I always needed to be empty, completely empty...just like my heart.

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It's true my eyes have poured beautiful tears down my cheek, and past my chin making their way into a small puddle of emotion. Tears that are filled with hope that yes indeed Jesus is real, and that he the creator of heaven and earth could love, absolutely adore such a sinful human being such as myself. I am drenched in my sins, from head to toe, inside and outside. He doesn't care, the love he has is everlasting, unconditional, greater then I can even fathom. In his eye's I'm pure as snow, and he will do ANYTHING for me, for you, for us.

       I would like to give thanks to this insightful revelation to a skit I saw on youtube, and I honestly URGE EVERYONE to check it out, absolutely incredible. I will watch it over and over and over again. It's called Lifehouse's everything skit, please check it out!!!

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WHAT A BEAUTIFUL DAY IT IS TODAY!!! The sun is out in the sky touching our skin with warmth, spring is floating in the air filling our lungs. I love spring, it always reminded me of a new beginning, and I love new beginning's.

     I woke up this morning while the sky was still painted black, the moon took center stage in the vast dark sky, The moon was my guide, my light this morning. The birds were making beautiful music. At first I didn't enjoy waking up so early in the morning and then having to walk to the bus stop at 6 while it's still dark outside. Now I love it, everything is still and peaceful, the air is crisp and clean. It's the only time I have were I can actually listen to the beauty that is around me, to open my ears and eyes and just let it all be absorbed inside of me. To humble oneself, and realize there are greater things in this world other then myself. Moment's like those are everlasting in my life, they make up memory's that one day I will share with my kids, and anyone who will listen.

    My day felt peaceful, or really I should say I felt in my heart a deep sense of contentment. On the bus I journal in my head, I do this often, All of these words just pour out of me so freely so perfectly, I'm honest with myself, honest with God. The words are so beautiful because there free and pure. I want to learn how to be so honest with the pen in hand. As soon as I go to write it all down it vanishes, there's to much pressure once I'm ready to write it down, to much pressure to make it perfect, to make it astonishing. I love writing, and I honestly feel like God has put that passion inside my soul. I know he pours his wisdom upon me.

    Work was nice and steady, I got a lot done and don't seem to need to much direction anymore. I got done at 1pm, printed my application form from the design school I want to go to, filled it out and found a little printing fax shop close by so I could fax it on over. In about15 mins I'm going to be getting a call from them for a final 15 min interview, and my official acceptance into the school. She will also go over financial aid and when I can meet with their tuition planner. I'm so excited!!!!!! I cant wait to move onto the next chapter of my life. To be challenged, and determined, and commitment to something. I am so glad I did not go to college right after high school. I wasn't ready for that, I was still a child(not that I am all that older right now lol) I had no idea though who I even was or what I wanted to devote my life to. I had no concept of determination and commitment, I had no desire to be challenged. I do now!! I have every desire to be a great woman of GOD!

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Today felt like an incedibly long day. I woke up at 4:45 am, and the first thought to pop into my mind was did yesterday really happen, did Barbara really see the cuts on my arm? It ws a rude awakining to realize that yes, yesterday happended, every single moment of it. The whole morning and afternoon at work I would get a jolt of  of nervousness through my body. I hate not knowing what's going to happen next, I throw myself into a panic over it.

         On my way home I couldn't stop thinking about having to talk to Babara and tell her the truth. The closer I got the more sick I felt, my heart was beating so fast. When the bus finally arrived to my stop I thought I was about ready to have a nervous breakdown. luckily I still had 20 min of walking to do before I got home. I stalled though and walked over the libary, my intention was to go in and stay there till 5 pm when they close. I ended up just sitting right outside the libary instead and called a really good friend of mine. I was so relived when she answered the phone, I ended up confessing everything to her. She was so sweet and supportive and really encouaged me and lifted me up to christ. She was honest and spoke the truth, before we hung up she prayed for me a beautiful prayer. I felt ready to go home and face the music as they say. On my way home I prayed, I prayed to see the sin in my life with the eyes of God, I prayed that I would be willing and ready to let this go, that I would be honest and humled while talking with Barbara and that in her heart she would find compassion for me. I prayed that God would set out before me my path for this life he created and that he would guide me, and pick me when I fall down. About half way into my walk Burk from the design school called ,he told me he talked to barbara, that he really enjoyed talking with her and they went over some of the question's she had. Hearing that she had talked to him and that she sounded excited gave me such a huge sense of releif. So I hung up with him, told him Barbara and I would discuss it and that I would get back with him tomorrow. The rest of my walk home I kept reassuring myself that every thing would be ok, that God was in control, that I have nothing to fear. The lines from one of my boyfriend's songs replayed over and over in my head. "You've redeemed and now I'm free, Lord you set me free. You paid the price of sacrifice, Christ all mighty king. And evil could never stand a chance and victory has already been won. Your in control and unstopable, God you always have prevailed."

      When I arrived home Barbara was sitting by the couch and Sam was "resting" on the couch, Sam just had a play date and it was time to wind dowm, of course as soon as she saw me she was ready to play lol. The house was a dissater, totally turned upside down. So I had the idea to go put Sam to bed for her nap and read her a couple stories so that Barbara could have a chance to be alone and pick up some of the mess, she wa grateful and I will admit I was a little surpised . I was scared Barbara would n'twant me to be around Sam again. So after I had some time with Sam and put her down for bed I went back downsrairs and helped Barbara finish cleaning up. We talked about her conversation with Burk and we laughed and told each other how out say went. Nothing was ever said about last night. I decided not to bring it up and I will tell you why. I feel like God has given me a second chance. This whole nightmare experience showed me how my whole world can be destroyed by sin, my sin. How despertly I need God, and how despertly I want to live a good humble life. Gods light has dawned on my darkness, and I have confessed my sins to him and opended up to many people through this experience. I realize how important it is to share whats going on in my life instead of keeping in all bottled up inside, to reach out my hand and ask for help. I will admit shamefully that even now as I speak the desire to cut is still very much hovering amongst me, trying to suck me in, but I'm not going to fight it on my own, I'm going to fight this with Jesus my Lord, Jesus my savior. One day at a time!

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I had to wake up early today for work, I also work at a coffee shop called zippys java lounge. It's fun, keeps me busy and forces me to wake up nice and early. It's not on the island so I have to walk to the bus in the morning, take a bus to the ferry, the ferry brings you to the mainland, and then I take another bus into Everett, the whole process takes me almost 2 yrs. I enjoy it though, I read and listen to music, and do some writing as well. So many people do this commute every day in WA, we have about 40 island's here.

         This morning when I woke up I was hoping last night was all just a dream but it's not. Sometime today when I get home from work I'm going to have to deal with this. Thank you all for your comments, and advice. I really appreciate it a lot. I know I need to tell Barbara the truth but that is terrifying to me. I have to get ready for work but I will keep you all updated later tonight. Thanks again for your prayer's, I know Christ will help me.

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disappear..... let me give some back ground as to why I say such a thing. I really struggle with who I am, in fact I'm not to sure I even understand who I am. I absolutely hate myself, every single damn day There is a war going on inside of me. Everyday I hear Satan whisper in my ear what a useless disgusting human being I am. I don't even feel like I'm human. I hear it every second, and the mirror just makes it even more clear that Satan is right. Since I was 14 I have struggled with an eating disorder, but even before the eating disorder my self esteem was pathetic. There is something else though that I must confess to, and that is that I cut myself, often...very often. Both my forearms are completely saturated with cuts and scars. My left upper arm has scars on it, my right leg is almost completely butchered, I have cut myself on my stomach, and also my chest. I cringe when people touch me now, and there is no way I could ever wear anything else then long sleeves and big hoodies.

          Today I got caught. I was with my boss and her daughter, we were eating dessert and just talking and my sleeve must have rolled up a bit because the next thing I know Barbara's asking me what happened to my arm. My heart sunk, and my face turned bright red. I knew I had to think of something on the spot, something fast but I am not good in stressful situations like that. So I somehow mumbled out with my quivering voice that I scraped it against something while cleaning. She then wanted to see it to make sure it was ok and not infected. Of course I couldn't show her it, then she would see my whole arm. I said no, and then she said "why wont you let me see it, are you cutting yourself?" I kept saying no, I wouldn't do that, and she said then I wouldhave let her seen my arm. She said she has worked with patients who cut themselves, and they did the same thing I did. She also went on to say how she has never seen me with short sleeves. She also said "what did you think I would do if I found out?" I didn't answer her question. It was a strange conversation because Sam was sitting right there with us. We ended the night just like that, but I know it's not the end. I know tomorrow I will have to face her eventually. That is exactly why I wish right now I could just disappear.

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