IN THE MIRRORS OF MY MIND

6:20:00 PM EDT
Feeling Cranky
Hearing QVC
I really look forward to Friday it is my favorite day of the week, Iam told I'll be needed to stop in on Saturday&Sunday not just once but twice through out the day, I guess to help with the kittens Iam so freakin pissed I really enjoy my time off even though sometimes I'am so drained from the pain I do nothing but sleep! Then my Daughter wants to know if I'll do her sprial perm I want to disappear This past week has be so tough I've really been in awful pain between that and the humidity I'am exhausted, Then she says I need to get in a better mood as I'am bringing her down lower than she already is,Well you know I'am so sorry IM not blowing sunshine out of my ass for her! Is she selfish with huge balls or is it me ? Hey I can't stand that she is always depressed but IM not going to tell her she brings me down I have compassion for Her I can relate to depression its not in ones control, I never talk about my daily pain or my thoughts when I am feeling low She rarely asks how Im doing, I guess i needed to bitch! I've made up my mind tomorrow I put on a smile and fake it until I make.

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12:17:18 PM EDT
Feeling Bitchy
Hearing MY THOUGHTS

Im sitting here in my office with no AC sweating my ass off the AC is in the living room it just doesn't make it in here, I spent the day yesterday in front of the tv just staying cool and watching movies so today I must accomplish much I just can't seem to get motavated. I love the summer months they seem to fly by in good old Up State NY I just can't handle the humidity anymore the older I get the harder it gets.

I'am thinking about getting a kitten my friends cat had a litter and there is one a fluffy gray kitten that I can't seem to resist Im not sure I can even have a cat here I must call the owner of the mobil home park where I live to get permission, part of me is not sure I want the responesablity and it would be a big one, I really need to pray about it.

I have'nt really done anything latly other than going to the casino last week with Joel we spent the night nice rooms there, Nothing happened between us I must be getting old.

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4:41:58 PM EDT
Feeling Frustrated
Hearing MY THOUGHTS

I was up last night till 3 in the morning playing with my new toy, I guess this vista is going to take some getting used to.

Thank God for my little Sister the PC expert as I would still be trying to get on line, Why must everything be so complicated ? I even had a hard time getting to my journal, Oh well I guess I'm on my way to a new journey aways room for growth.

Last weekend was my SURPRIZE !!!! Birthday party the big 50 that was so cool I still can't believe that Iam fifty years old! already where has the time gone I hear the older we get the faster it goes oh well so is life.

There is somehow a sense of saddness with my turning fifty I look in the mirror and I sometimes see a stranger I remember My older Sister making a big deal about turning fifty and at the time I thought how vain is that! well those thoughts bit me in the ass I wish she where here right now I could really use her words of wisdom and encouragement.

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5:51:31 PM EST
Feeling Happy
Hearing RADIO

Can't believe its Sunday already I had my children over for dinner today well two of them any way my youngest was home sick with the stomach bug poor baby, I made my famous pork and mushroom stew I don't mean to toot my own horn but Im a great cook of course it came out great!. My daughter worked on her scrapbooking she is getting so good at it and she loves it as much as I do, My son doesn't admit it but he likes to see the finished product.

Joel my X boyfriend and I went to the casino friday night I played 50.00 dollars in the nickle slots It took me like 4 hours I do enjoy it Joel plays the keno numbers I play a few with him its a fun night when we where togather He could never get me interested I guess I've mellowed or gotten stupid lol.

Saturday was a lost day all I did was watch movies and veg out on the couch I guess it was a rough week last week it wore me down, I fall asleep and have these really weird dreams of strange people and punishment does this mean I have a guilty conscience I swear I need to write them down cause as time goes by I forget them, They say you can tell alot about a person threw their dreams I'll have to look that content up in a dream intepertation book the next time I go to Barnes & Noble, I love that store the coffee is to die for not to mention the books, I always end up staying longer than I planned.

About Joel as I said he is one of my Xs yet He has said he would like it to be more Im so affraid to open up again its been almost two years for me 4 yrs for Joel and I we have always remained friends I've known him since grade school Its just that when you've been alone for so long you get used to it I do get lonly at times but Im ok to be by myself and that took time for for me to be ok with that Physically I find him attractive that would be easy its the emotional side Im unsure of He likes to gamble and that has always scared me as my parents seperated behind that my Dad got into it a little too deep, perhaps thats what attracred me to Joel in the first place ten years ago he is alot like my Dad, I don't knowwhere Im going with this I feel Joel will back off soon if I don't respond I need to go with my gut and not just my heart and remember he is my X for a reason, I get along with all of my Xs I think Im lucky that way there is no bitterness between any of us Im not one to hold a grudge as I've learned you don't hold them they hold you !. Later.

 

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6:09:17 PM EST
Feeling Quiet
Hearing WIND

It felt like a Monday all day today the day just dragged by, I no I'll be in bed tonight long before eleven which is when Days Of Our Lives comes on No problem really you can miss a week and still know whats going on,I've been watching this soap for 35 years or better I heard they where going to take it off the air I swear It would be like loosing a close friend as crazy as that sounds.

I recieved my second scrapbook kit from this company I ordered from Im not impressed for 22.95 you can complete 2 to 3 pages so I got right on line to cancle that out of my monthly routine and budget I love getting packages in the mail Im like a little kid, I just ordered a purse from ebay its a Kathy Van Zeeland I found one over the summer in a upscale second hand store I never heard of Kathy Van Zeeland I just fell in love with the purse I paid 50.00 dollars for a 95.00 dollar purse that was practially brand new, Needless to say 6 months later Im still carrying the same purse not wanting to change off I love it to much so I bought another one it is very smiliar its a silver crock the new one is a bigger sized purse I love it now I won't wear either one out to quickly both my daughters have there eyes on the bag lol.

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5:23:20 PM EST
Feeling Chillin'
Hearing TV

What a weekend it was talk about obbsesions I'am taken with scrapbooking, I never made it to the Casino I went to my Sisters oon friday night and saturday afternoon we scrapped all weekend It is so much fun I never imagined how much I would be getting into this hobby, Joel  my x who I was going to the casino with had to work anyway so that worked out for him as well we are on for next friday night so perhaps my luck will last till then.

I can't believe its Sunday night already and back to work tomorrow the weekends fly by it seems to be honest days and weeks go by pretty fast these days I guess I'm getting older on well I believe Im aging like a fine wine time has been pretty good to me either that or my eye sight is getting bad lol !.

Of course my body feels like I've been doing yard work all weekend instead of scrapbooking, which reminds me I really need to do before the snow starts to fly I have like a dozen huge bags of leaves to get up off the ground, I believe my Son will be doing that for me my back and neck are shot so Im real careful as to how much I do as I no I'll pay a price, even sitting at the slot machines takes its toll I have to remember to get up and walk then you really don't want to leave the machine you have started with at least I don't.

I just ordered a pizza we have the best pizza here in Upstate NY I'll have two peices then read some journals before I sign off for the night. LATER.

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5:04:21 PM EDT
Feeling Embarrassed
Hearing MY THOUGHTS

Who ever it was that wrote that entry I admire them, I never thought it to be in the wrong journal oh well egg on my face.

Only six trick or treaters last night I live in a mobil home park with only a few young children its mosly people my age or older, good thing I didn't have much candy anyway as of course I ate the rest it being chocolate that time of the month well any excuse would do.

Tomorrow night I go to the casino to play super keno the nickle slots I can't wait I feel lucky although its all in fun I'll only bring 30.00 dollars to play with I can't justify anymore than that.

I continue to feel much better emotionally and physicially now I have to pay attention to my moods that I don't swing to high, my sleep patterns that I'am not going without also mood swings my journal helps keep me grounded its impossiable to denie whats written.

I've started scrapping a Christmas scrapbook it goes back to 1989 the kids will enjoy looking through that one, Its really neat to see my Mom in the pictures I miss her very much  its so hard to believe shes been gone for 12yrs already my how time flys. LATER

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6:48:12 AM EDT
Feeling Quiet
Hearing THE WIND

I seem to be feeling much more alert and so much more energy since I've been weaning off of the depakote,also I've noticed I have cut back on my night time snacking which is slowly taking the pounds off thank God as I was really begining to become a real fat ass I need to loose like 20 pounds I now have the faith that I can do that.

The weather has been damp so needless to say my back and neck have been hurting I need to get out the heating pad.

My daughter J is comming over on Sunday and we are going to do some scrapbooking togather I know she will get hooked on it as well she takes more pictures than I do. My daughter L is going to Lake George this weekend as her son has a hockey game so they will spend two nights there my son will have to babysit for Simone since I'll be busy on Sunday I always feel bad when I have to say I can't do it as the other Grandmother is always watching her of corse she has a husband so its two of them which makes it eaiser as Simone is autistic and quite the hand full to watch she keeps you busy non-stop she is six years old and non-verble so it is very frustrating for her I believe she will be talking soon.

Iwent to the casino on Tuesday night with a friend and played the nickle slots super keno I think I could become addicted I really enjoyed myself I only played with 15 dollars for like three hours I had it up to 30 dollars at one point and continued to play, I've made plans to go again next Friday night, PERHAPS I'LL GET LUCKY! LATER.

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8:19:12 PM EDT
Feeling Surprised
Hearing THE RADIO

I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW LONG ITS BEEN SINCE I LAST ADDED AN ENTRY SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED WHERE DO I BEGIN? WELL I NEVER DID START WALKING SO NEEDLESS TO SAY I HAD A FAT SUMMER I'M JUST NOW ADDRESSING MY WEIGHT BY GIVING UP MY NIGHT SNACKING AS THAT HAS PACKED THE POUNDS ON 20 POUNDSTO BE EXACT WHAT A DIFFERERNCE THAT MAKES.

I'VE BECOME MORE OF A SCRAPBOOKING ADDICT I GO TO A CLASS ONCE A MONTH ITS COOL TO GET TOGATHER WITH OTHER SCRAPPERS THEY ARE REALLY FUN PEOPLE.

MY SUMMER WENT BY PRETTY SLOW REALLY I DID'NT SWIM MUCH TO TELL THE TRUTH I DID'NT LIKE PUTTING A BATHING SUIT ON I WILL NOT STAY IN THE SHAPE IAM IN NOW IAM MUCH TO VAIN FOR THAT.

LATER.

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7:22:38 PM EDT
Feeling Mischievous
Hearing THE BIRDS SING

So long since I last wrote It seems I rarely get on line anymore.

We have had so much snow that I thought I'd never see the ground again. I've put on more winter pounds than usual I have been eating icecream and deserts like IM a 20yr old now it must stop as Spring is in the air.

I've gotten both of my Daughters into scrapbooking they love it as much as I do and they are both amazed how creative they are, of course I already knew that.

 I need to start my spring cleaning and get my as- out there walking to shed all the unwanted pounds, It really is hard when you live alone you just don't want to cook for your self.

Tomorrow my Daughter is coming over my oldest I don't get to see her much so Im excited she will be bringing all her scrapbooking stuff so that will be fun.

 

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