Hold On World I'm comming Through!!

Hello there! I know its been a long long time since I poked my head into the blog world.! Winter is way overwhelming for me and I just have to hibernate ( other than going to work) during the cold grey frosty days of winter BUUUUUUUUUUUT its spring now and Im starting to come out from under the SAD ( Seasonal Affective Disorder) and feel alive and hopeful again. For a while there during the darkest coldest part of the winter season I wasnt sure i was going to make it till spring but i did and here I am ready to start fresh and new.

 I am starting this spring season off with some things I have been wanting to do but havent felt worthy of doing for myself. I did number one  on my list today and it turned out a lot better than I thought it would. I also feel better than i thought I would in the after math... I usually feel guilty for doing anything good or nice to  or for myself. Today Im taking that " I feel good "feeling and running with it! Hopefully I will out run the guilt and leave it in the wind! I got my hair highlighted :) I am letting it grow out from a very short cut that I had last year it touches my shoulders now and was looking rather drab and  dead and in affect making me feel more drab and dead than winter season. Sooooooo today I took the plunge and got it done and WOW! Its a very nice change! Im happy with that :)

 I do have to say that I missed all my blogging friends this winter. I hope to see a few of you around again. i just cant be social in the winter.SAD makes me look feel and act like an ogre. I wouldnt want to be snippy or short or blunt with any of my J land friends and so I just hibernate and wait the winter out and walla here I am 100% human and feeling it :) HUGS LIGHT LOVE LAUGHTER AND much SUNSHINE is wished to you all......till next time !!

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 I know its been a long long time since I did a journal entry here. I havent forgotten you and actually have been reading your journals but havent commented. I guess the winter blues have had me down for quite a while and just going to work and comming home to the kids and house is about all Ive been able to do. I think I am beginning to pull out of the depression and Im really glad to see life in a different light today. Im not all the way there yet but im getting out of the pit Ive been in and hopefully soon I will be up and running again.

I finally got a child support check yaaaaay! It was quite a suprise and its been a long haul trying to get it going and FINALLY! All teh visits to the child support office and signing papers and waiting has paid off. Its not as much as the paper states I should get but its mroe than I had a day ago and Im glad to finally see the boys daddy having to be responsable in some way for their well being.!

 I am on recooperation from surgery I had on my tail bone on tuesday. I cant go back to work until this comming monday so the child support sure came at the right time since my check will be short three days. I have a recheck appointment in a little while with my GP and Im anxious to see what he thinks of the healing and what he thinks of the infection that was removed. I am ready to get back to deeling human and being able to move around at will this sitting still stuff is for the birds now that the depression is starting to lift! Im looking forward to spring and warmer weather. Anyone who has depression and especially if the yave seasonal effective disorder like i have along with the major depression that I have year round knows that spring time is the saving grace of SAD. Its been warm now for two days.by warm I mean at least 50 degrees  and nice enough to be outside with out having to wear a heavy coat! I am going to go for now and get ready for my Dr.'s appointment but I will be back and it wont be as long between journal entries from now on! Have a great day! ive missed you all!

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Im not really sure why I decided to write about this memory. Im not even sure why this memory popped into my head this morning I wassitting here just minding my own busness looking at web sites online when suddenly out of nowhere a mind picture of a barn style white house with black shutters and a picket fence appeared in my mind.  I remembered riding the school bus and the one girl that got off the bus at that stop every day. She had a name im sure lol but for the life of me I cant remember it. I wasnt in her class at school. Her house for some reason conveyed safety and happiness and I remember feeling warm feelings, happy and calm feelings when we stopped and let her off the bus each day.

Why this memory should surface and what cased it to surface from being filed away many many years ago is beyond me. Mybe I just needed that safe, warm, happy feeling this mroning. Life can be brutal and friday was pretty brutal feeling to me. Im not sure that I have anuthing to verify the validity of my feelings. Nothing tangible anyway. There is a hostility brewing at work between teh old hands who have been there for a couple of years and the new hands that just began to work int eh last 6 months or so. I am caught in the middle of said hostility as one of the "new hands" works asmy assistant and I am one of the "old hands" who is friends with people on both sides of the coin. I dont like being in the middle. I dont like having my thoughts grilled by either side. I dont like having to listen to one side  peck the otherside to death with hurtful comments that arent made to each other but pass from one side of my ear to the other because everyones telling me how they feel and I didnt even  open that door or offer that shoulder for them to cry on.

 Maybe its because Im feeling unsafe since the wreck and since Im having to drive the "junk mobile" as my son calls it. I am going  car shopping today by the way and I cant wait!! I want so bad to find something TODAY!!! My classes at the college start back on Tuesday, and I really cant drive teh "junk mobile" to down town. Its just not safe with one light not working and the back glass gone and plastic covering it and things protruding from the side and under neith the car that rattle and vibrate and make all kinds of scary noises.

 I am just spectuating on the reason that the memory of that house popped out into my consious memory after 30 years of laying filed away and  forgotten. Maybe I just needed a bit of that safe, calm, happy  feeling today.

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Hello there! I know, I know I havent  been around in quite a while.  I could dig up a great reason if you give me long enough but, that might take a while! I guess I have just really been hit hard by the "seasonal affective disorder" that I  have and  have been rather drab for a while. So I haven't bothered to blog because I couldn't think of anything really nice to blog about. I reasoned with myself about this for a long time this morning and thought" oh what the heck" So here i am in all my drabness lol. I did however, get caught up on reading blogs that I haven't been reading in a while. Not that I don't care whats going on with everyone in J land but I just haven't had it in me to do much of anything outside of going to work and dealing with my kids. The weather is really cold here today but, the leaves that I so love are pretty and bright and dispite the rain we've had they are beautiful and they do lift my spirits.

 I found my ex husband, not that I really wanted to find him except for the fact that he only owes me 38,000 in back child support. He is in  the state I thought he was in but in another town than what I had originally thought. At any rate, he's going to be getting notification that child support will be comming out of his check soon and I really do hope this happens before Christmas as I have  three kids to buy Christmas for. I don't go for elaborate Christmas's for the boys but I do like to get a few things from their lists that I know they want and with out child support.... yeah, it will be even slimmer for them.

 I am looking forward to my class in Child development comming to an end. The last class is dec 17th yaaaaaaay! I have to admit that I havent done as well as I wanted to but at this point if I just pass the class I will be happy! I really want to take the winter off and not have classes while its so cold and dreary. I am going to talk to my boss about that but Im not sure she will agree. I also might talk to her about the online classes some are taking at work. Mabe that will surfice for the winter.... not sure.. I know I am rambling with not a lot to say and Im sorry about that. I think Im just trying to get back in a niche of writing since its been a while and im apparently very rusty lolol  My baby turned 8 on Oct 27th. I cant believe he's 8 years old already. Thenext birthday is dec 13th and that is Ryan, who will be 11 then Jan 4th Scotty will be 12 and yes  I said it right its not a typo lol Scotty and Ryan are 11 months and 9 days apart in age and for a few weeks between dec 13th to jan 4th they are infact the same age lol That is the time when Ryan likes to say hes the big brother instead o Scotty to which we all yell "No scotty was still born first"  to which he yells "yeah right"! Its just a cute little thing ryan started years ago and every year he repeates it at least twice before the  next birthday comes along and proves  that he infact is NOT the big brother lol

 I guess I will wrap this up for now and try and get up and do something productive.... love u all, Stay safe and warm till I ramble again....... Denise

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There really isnt a lot going on to talk about from this end. Its been a rough week at work. we've been moving classrooms around to open a new three year old room and everything is upside down right now and a mess!!! Unorganized and strewen between the rooms and made it hard to function! Let's just say I was definately glad to see friday come to an end!

I didnt get much sleep this week either due to this new blood pressure pill  my doctor has me on. It's called lisinopril-HCTZ.  The first night was a bit scary as it felt like my throat was going to close up on me but it didnt.  I felt like I couldnt breathe deep enough. It lasted about an hour but after that it leveled out. I was apprehensive about trying it again but i did and the second night it didnt do that to me. I just woke up several times that night. I woke up feeling wide awake and having a hard time going back to sleep and its been that way all week except last night I only remember waking up one time so maybe that too is tapering off and I will be adjusted to this soon.

I've been trying to think of  creative but more healthier ways to bring about changes in my life style to help combat this blood pressure heart thing I have going on. I have started to explore new fruits and vegatables to cook and  the first one was a hit with the kids! I had never to my knowledge had butternut squash so i bought one and looked up ways to serve it. This morning I cooked it with a bit of butter and brown sugar on it and the kids loooooooooooved it!! I am also going to try it with onions and a tad of butter and salt and pepper and see if i like it that way too. at any rate the boys loved it and that makes transition a bit easier for me too.

I'm not to sure the leaves are going to make it to the really pretty stage this year since in the last week its rained quite a bit. That makes me sad but we do need the rain after such a scorcher of a summer with very little rain. I know Im just rambling here but really I cant think of anything very exciting or even entertaining to say lol I think I will go and do some dreaded house work lol It sure needs it around here. Have a good week end and enjoy those your with! Take care ofyourself! Youre worth it!!!

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Today has been a great day. My son Kaleb, who thinks he ought to live at my mothers house 24/7 actually came home last night and spent the night in his own home! We had a great time! Usually when he comes home the fighting starts between him and his older brother Ryan but it didn't happen this time. Oh sure they had a few sibling tiffs but nothing like the smack down ,knock out fights they have had in the past. I soaked up every minute with all three boys. Kaleb was  unusually talkative but, we had a great time just talking and sharing , He isuch a blessing, all three of them are but because Kaleb is my last born baby boy and time is slipping away fast I think i tend to really relvel in the time I have left of him being small. I had several little blessings that brough really big thrills this week end. One of which is sort of funny. I colored my hair yesterday and ummm....... well it was a bit too dark (gulp!!). I looked more like a black widdow than myself. well today i bought a color thats much  lighter and prayed as I opened the box...please Lord I don't want to be red heded. Please Lord I don't want to look like a zebra oooh please let this fix it!! I jumped out of the shower after rinsing my hair raaaan to the mirror lol and saw brown yaaaaaaaaaaay! it turned out better than I even expected lol not that it has always done that when I have messed up my hair before but this time it worked THANK YOU LORD! :) I almost did the happy dance then remembered Im probably better off not getting my blood pressure and heart rate up too much right now lolol at any rate I am not the black widdow anymore and I can face the public with out shame or scarf lol

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Hey there! Have you missed me?? I've missed you all very much in the last few days!! I've had a bit of a health scare and was in the hospital for a day and a half with them trying to control my heart rate and blood pressure. Seems my heart rate had a party and invited my blood pressure to come along and no one bothered to inform me it was going to happen. LOL !! Seriously though I did have quite a scare! My blood pressure bottomed out at Urgent Care where I had gone because of chest pain and pressure. The next thing I know im being escorted by ambulance to the hospital where I recieved various tests and lots of nitro glycerin and medicine via IV to bring my blood pressure and heart rate under control. I am doing ok now and I was released yesterday evening about 4 p.m.

I so dont have to tell you how grateful I am to be here and be able to do all the things we take for granted . Nothing like almost loosing your life to make you (me) really appreciate even the mundane tasks of daily living.

For today Im resting taking things slow and just soaking in the SONlight. With a few med cahnges I think I will be just fine. I'm praising my savior and Lord for  His protection and guidance! I have missed quit a few journal entries  so for those of you who havent heard from me in a few days I am going to try to catch up today with the entries I have missed. HUUUUUUUUUGS and sonlight to all today......... go hug your kids soak in their fragrance and  if your so inclined thank the good Lord that your able to  do just that. I did!......... Have a great day!

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   Yesterday, I was driving along and noticed that the leaves are beginning the changing of their colors for fall.  I saw the beginnings of what will be vibrant reds, yellows, purples, and orange shades, providing the weather isn't to rainy in a few weeks. This time of year excites me more than I can even describe!  I'm reminded of the death, burial and resurrection of Jesus, when I see the leaves changing.  Just as the leaves submit to the will of the season, Christ, submitted to the will of his Father. This changed his life  just as it changes the leaves and what seems like death on the cross or death to the leaves who do eventually turn brown, crunchy and fall from the trees, brings forth the avenue for renewed life in the spring. I don't know if this makes sense to you,  to me it is a soft  whisper in the ear from my creator that says" every created thing breathes my name". Another thing that this time of year seems to whisper to me is, "Unless a grain of wheat fall into the ground and die it abides  alone".John 12:24.  If the leaves did not submit to the changing of the seasons there would be no avenue to the wonderful awakening of spring time. Blossoms and fruit in the trees would have no where to bare their fruit and spread their beauty.  Had Christ not submitted to death on the cross ( and Praise God HE did ) we would have no avenue to the renewal of life in Jesus Christ. We would have no way to reach the eternal life that is ours through Jesus' sacrifice on that ugly, brown, rugged cross. Yes the leaves are changing in my part of the world ( North Carolina) and  whisper is in the air. 

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