Simplistic Complications

10:46:05 PM EDT
Feeling Sick

Today has been a hard day! At work we had a sick child who cried all day but wasnt having any of the symptoms that we can justify a call to the parents. She was miserable and I had empathy for her because I too was feeling a bit under the weather. Fall has come to the mountains of North Carolina, and with it seasonal allergies. Sniffing ,runny noses, itchy watery eyes and barky sounding coughs abound in the day care where I work as well as in our house. My  middle son ryan, and Kaleb, the youngest have had it for weeks but mine just kicked in today. I am so glad that tomorrow is friday! At least I will have the week end to rest and  have the creature comforts of home to do my sneezing and  coughing in. I am  hopeful that it wont last long.  On a not so much brighter note, gas is scarce around here and  the lines to fill up when we do manage to get some gas at the stations are long and frustrating. I am set for the week end barring having to go out of town for an emergency or such. I sat in line at the Shell station for about an hour two days ago and got enough to last me a while as long as I stay in town and only do the necessary driving. I am a bit perplexed about the gas shortage because so many other places that are having no trouble at all getting gas. I have friends in Idho that says they are not having the trouble we are. Tennessee, supposedly isnt having the trouble we are either or so Im told. It makes me wonder just what is going on and  how long this supposed shortage is going to last. i know that we get our gas from Texas but so do lots of states that arent having problems. its a hmmmmmm kinda thing in my mind. At any rate as bad as things seem, it will get better. my allergies will get better and the week ends comming so at least thats something to give me hope that indeed all of lifes problems will eventually get better too. Have a good week end and a blessed night.........

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10:14:24 PM EDT
Feeling Restless

I have been in therapy for about a year now. I don't usually talk about it because well..... it's a pretty personal thing for me. Recently, therapy has been getting harder!! Anna,( my therapist) and I are getting at some very deep feelings  that have been burried deep inside for a long time. Things that are ugly and frightening. Things I had packed away and not acknowledged the existance of in at least a couple of decades. Along with those  feelings, are the memories that are attached. Going back to those places, tearing down the walls built around them that hold them in is beyond hard its terrifying. It forces me to look into the past at the truth of the feelings and forces me to feel the feelings that I blocked away so very long ago. I never knew just how much I didn't know about myself until i started getting really serious in therapy. Anna, is great. Shes compassionate at times and she knows just the questions to ask to spur me into an area  that I tend to avoid. Sometimes, I hate her for this ( Only for a while) and sometimes I swear to myself as I leave her office that I am never comming back. I try to talk myself into not needing therapy anymore, if only to ease the  emotional upheval that follows a session. I don't think about why I feel the way I do on a day to day basis. I just live my life, react the way  I do because that's just how I am . I don't stop to think why I feel the way I do about any given matter. I suppose most people are the same way. What I'm saying, is I don't scrutenize  my reactions or feelings about trivial things on a regular basis. In therapy the hard work of doing just that is frightening and exhausting. This week Anna, posed some very  hardqestions for me to think about and explore. One of the questions she asked me is, Are youterrified and if so,what are you terrified of? I'm finding out that I am afraid of more things than I thought humanly possible but the thing I am most afraid of itsn't a thing its a who and that who is me!! sometimes I really hate therapy........

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11:35:11 PM EDT
Feeling Intense   BULLS EYE!!!  This afternoon after work I came home kicked off my shoes and sat down at the computer to work on some homework for my Health Safety and Nutrition class that I take online. So, Im sitting here, just about to get started and the front door comes flying open. MOM who broke the van window?? I jumped up ran out the door and just about croaked on the spot! the back seat window on my drivers side was demolished! Shattered tented glass lay all over the gravel driveway and inside the van. It looked like someone took a hammer to the  window. I was livid!! At first I thought the lawn mower had thrown a rock  while Ryan, was mowing but he was mowing on the opposite side of the van way over in the side yard of our corner lot. I went up the street and asked if anyone had seen what happened. One kid came running and said the next door neighbor kid had done it with his bb gun! I was ready soooooo ready to take his head off his shoulders! Up to his house I marched but when I got there the kid was cowered down in his parents van shaking so hard and crying uncontrolably.He started whispering " I didnt mean to, I didnt mean to", covering his eyes with his shaking hands that were balled up in fists as if to defend himself. One look told me this kid was scared to the hysterical point and every bit of anger in me melted into compassion. I took him by the hand and coaxed him out of the van an inch at a time. once out, I hugged him and told him it was ok. I wasnt mad at him and that accidents happen. He said "I was aiming at the garbage can and it  bounced off that and hit your van". I found out he was afraid his dad was going to beat him. Just the day before, he had accidently done the same thing to his mothers car window!! As perterbed at this kid as I was I could not find it in me to act angry  at him. His dad, came absolutely unglued  when we went to tell him what happened.  I knew then that the kid had valid fears. They are going to replace the window,  it will be fixed. I worry more about the kid and how long it will take  to fix the mental anguish his father is pounding into him by being so aggressive and  harsh. As unruly and mean as that kid has been to my kids in the past and as much as I have wanted to jerk the kid up by his....(eermmm never mind), He does not deserve the kind of punishment that demeans and destroys this little boys sense of worth. I am not saying the kid should get off with out punishment or discipline in the matter but my heart hurts for him tonight....after all he is just a little boy who made a mistake.......

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4:39:44 PM EDT
Feeling Excited I am SOOOOOOOOOOO excited!! OK yes I know Ive bot been here in a LOOOOOOOOOOOONG time but Im here today. I'm not going to kick myself for having been absent but Im not going to promise to come back sooner either!. I have missed journaling  and I've missed you all. I have upon occasion popped in and read your blogs I just havent been very good at leaving comments. For that I AM sorry! Ok, back to why Im excited. I requested a room change last month at work and today I found out that  I GOT IT!!! Yaaaaaaaaaaay!!!! I will be in the infant room instead of the twos room! I love my twos but I just cant chase them since my stroke last year and I come home exhausted and hurting. With the Infants they arent as mobile so it should be easier to handle! Also, the ratio  is smaller  so I will never have more than 5 babies alone and no more than 7 even with my assistant. In the two year old room I could have 9 to one teacher and THAT is whats wearing me out so bad. Try keeping up with 9 two year olds by your self! It's not easy! I could have 14 kids in my two's room with two teachers and frankly, thats just too many for me to deal with! Thank YOU God!!!! I had started thinking that maybe my request wasnt as important to my boss as it was to me but  Im glad to say that I was WRONG!  I could click my heels Im so happy! I have a feeling brighter, easier days are ahead! Oh and I am glad to be back in J land............ I really have missed you all!

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10:57:15 PM EDT
Feeling Thoughtful
Hearing none Okay I have to say Im almost embarassed to even be here journaling after having neglecting it for so long.  lifes been crazy, busy,irratically un interesting and pretty much hum drum at times since Iwas here last. I am taking college classes and one class is a hybrid class which means I go into class on campus once a week but have a class online also during the week. I have to say its taking some time to get used to this type of class. I forget to check and see if I have assignments during the week and end up rushing to get it all done and turned in on time...... then there is work Oh boy has it been drama laiden lately!! I am proud to report that none of the drama belongs to me but it sure gets interesing and stressful too when the younger teachers have an upset in their life you would think they were the only ones ever to encounter a challenge."rolling eyes". I just dont understad the need for drama  all the time. My life's in upheaval most of the time too but I sure am not going to let it interfere with my work, there are two drama queens at work and I  am just almost certain they are trying to "one up" each other on drama quotient lately. I guess I sound like Im complaining and maybe I am but I dont feel like I am complaining really just sharing a bit of my life and how it is most days. I love my job  the kids are so eager to learn and explore and find out how things work and that just thrills me to no end! I love seeing them learning something for the first time that excitment over having learning to do something new is just infectious! The kids are why Im there I guess as long as I am there they wil be  number one with me cuz the adult 20's high school drama just makes my head spin lol I guess I dont really have a lot to say but I ahvent forgotten you all. I have been reading your blogs I jsut ahvent commented in a long time on anyones blog/journal. I hope that youre all well and doing great this summer, Blessings to all who read my blog/journal pages  i have missed j land and seeing you all in print take care and have a good night bye 4 now and nite nite :)

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4:55:05 PM EDT
Feeling Hopeful

Hello there! I know its been a long long time since I poked my head into the blog world.! Winter is way overwhelming for me and I just have to hibernate ( other than going to work) during the cold grey frosty days of winter BUUUUUUUUUUUT its spring now and Im starting to come out from under the SAD ( Seasonal Affective Disorder) and feel alive and hopeful again. For a while there during the darkest coldest part of the winter season I wasnt sure i was going to make it till spring but i did and here I am ready to start fresh and new.

 I am starting this spring season off with some things I have been wanting to do but havent felt worthy of doing for myself. I did number one  on my list today and it turned out a lot better than I thought it would. I also feel better than i thought I would in the after math... I usually feel guilty for doing anything good or nice to  or for myself. Today Im taking that " I feel good "feeling and running with it! Hopefully I will out run the guilt and leave it in the wind! I got my hair highlighted :) I am letting it grow out from a very short cut that I had last year it touches my shoulders now and was looking rather drab and  dead and in affect making me feel more drab and dead than winter season. Sooooooo today I took the plunge and got it done and WOW! Its a very nice change! Im happy with that :)

 I do have to say that I missed all my blogging friends this winter. I hope to see a few of you around again. i just cant be social in the winter.SAD makes me look feel and act like an ogre. I wouldnt want to be snippy or short or blunt with any of my J land friends and so I just hibernate and wait the winter out and walla here I am 100% human and feeling it :) HUGS LIGHT LOVE LAUGHTER AND much SUNSHINE is wished to you all......till next time !!

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1:41:46 PM EST
Feeling Chillin'

 I know its been a long long time since I did a journal entry here. I havent forgotten you and actually have been reading your journals but havent commented. I guess the winter blues have had me down for quite a while and just going to work and comming home to the kids and house is about all Ive been able to do. I think I am beginning to pull out of the depression and Im really glad to see life in a different light today. Im not all the way there yet but im getting out of the pit Ive been in and hopefully soon I will be up and running again.

I finally got a child support check yaaaaay! It was quite a suprise and its been a long haul trying to get it going and FINALLY! All teh visits to the child support office and signing papers and waiting has paid off. Its not as much as the paper states I should get but its mroe than I had a day ago and Im glad to finally see the boys daddy having to be responsable in some way for their well being.!

 I am on recooperation from surgery I had on my tail bone on tuesday. I cant go back to work until this comming monday so the child support sure came at the right time since my check will be short three days. I have a recheck appointment in a little while with my GP and Im anxious to see what he thinks of the healing and what he thinks of the infection that was removed. I am ready to get back to deeling human and being able to move around at will this sitting still stuff is for the birds now that the depression is starting to lift! Im looking forward to spring and warmer weather. Anyone who has depression and especially if the yave seasonal effective disorder like i have along with the major depression that I have year round knows that spring time is the saving grace of SAD. Its been warm now for two days.by warm I mean at least 50 degrees  and nice enough to be outside with out having to wear a heavy coat! I am going to go for now and get ready for my Dr.'s appointment but I will be back and it wont be as long between journal entries from now on! Have a great day! ive missed you all!

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12:06:24 PM EST
Feeling Quiet

Im not really sure why I decided to write about this memory. Im not even sure why this memory popped into my head this morning I wassitting here just minding my own busness looking at web sites online when suddenly out of nowhere a mind picture of a barn style white house with black shutters and a picket fence appeared in my mind.  I remembered riding the school bus and the one girl that got off the bus at that stop every day. She had a name im sure lol but for the life of me I cant remember it. I wasnt in her class at school. Her house for some reason conveyed safety and happiness and I remember feeling warm feelings, happy and calm feelings when we stopped and let her off the bus each day.

Why this memory should surface and what cased it to surface from being filed away many many years ago is beyond me. Mybe I just needed that safe, warm, happy feeling this mroning. Life can be brutal and friday was pretty brutal feeling to me. Im not sure that I have anuthing to verify the validity of my feelings. Nothing tangible anyway. There is a hostility brewing at work between teh old hands who have been there for a couple of years and the new hands that just began to work int eh last 6 months or so. I am caught in the middle of said hostility as one of the "new hands" works asmy assistant and I am one of the "old hands" who is friends with people on both sides of the coin. I dont like being in the middle. I dont like having my thoughts grilled by either side. I dont like having to listen to one side  peck the otherside to death with hurtful comments that arent made to each other but pass from one side of my ear to the other because everyones telling me how they feel and I didnt even  open that door or offer that shoulder for them to cry on.

 Maybe its because Im feeling unsafe since the wreck and since Im having to drive the "junk mobile" as my son calls it. I am going  car shopping today by the way and I cant wait!! I want so bad to find something TODAY!!! My classes at the college start back on Tuesday, and I really cant drive teh "junk mobile" to down town. Its just not safe with one light not working and the back glass gone and plastic covering it and things protruding from the side and under neith the car that rattle and vibrate and make all kinds of scary noises.

 I am just spectuating on the reason that the memory of that house popped out into my consious memory after 30 years of laying filed away and  forgotten. Maybe I just needed a bit of that safe, calm, happy  feeling today.

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11:16:42 PM EST
Feeling Quiet

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11:51:52 AM EST

Hello there! I know, I know I havent  been around in quite a while.  I could dig up a great reason if you give me long enough but, that might take a while! I guess I have just really been hit hard by the "seasonal affective disorder" that I  have and  have been rather drab for a while. So I haven't bothered to blog because I couldn't think of anything really nice to blog about. I reasoned with myself about this for a long time this morning and thought" oh what the heck" So here i am in all my drabness lol. I did however, get caught up on reading blogs that I haven't been reading in a while. Not that I don't care whats going on with everyone in J land but I just haven't had it in me to do much of anything outside of going to work and dealing with my kids. The weather is really cold here today but, the leaves that I so love are pretty and bright and dispite the rain we've had they are beautiful and they do lift my spirits.

 I found my ex husband, not that I really wanted to find him except for the fact that he only owes me 38,000 in back child support. He is in  the state I thought he was in but in another town than what I had originally thought. At any rate, he's going to be getting notification that child support will be comming out of his check soon and I really do hope this happens before Christmas as I have  three kids to buy Christmas for. I don't go for elaborate Christmas's for the boys but I do like to get a few things from their lists that I know they want and with out child support.... yeah, it will be even slimmer for them.

 I am looking forward to my class in Child development comming to an end. The last class is dec 17th yaaaaaaay! I have to admit that I havent done as well as I wanted to but at this point if I just pass the class I will be happy! I really want to take the winter off and not have classes while its so cold and dreary. I am going to talk to my boss about that but Im not sure she will agree. I also might talk to her about the online classes some are taking at work. Mabe that will surfice for the winter.... not sure.. I know I am rambling with not a lot to say and Im sorry about that. I think Im just trying to get back in a niche of writing since its been a while and im apparently very rusty lolol  My baby turned 8 on Oct 27th. I cant believe he's 8 years old already. Thenext birthday is dec 13th and that is Ryan, who will be 11 then Jan 4th Scotty will be 12 and yes  I said it right its not a typo lol Scotty and Ryan are 11 months and 9 days apart in age and for a few weeks between dec 13th to jan 4th they are infact the same age lol That is the time when Ryan likes to say hes the big brother instead o Scotty to which we all yell "No scotty was still born first"  to which he yells "yeah right"! Its just a cute little thing ryan started years ago and every year he repeates it at least twice before the  next birthday comes along and proves  that he infact is NOT the big brother lol

 I guess I will wrap this up for now and try and get up and do something productive.... love u all, Stay safe and warm till I ramble again....... Denise

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