Mia Renee

1:29:19 PM CST

To make a long story short, for those who didn't already know ....

I will be doing ALL of my updates from MY OTHER JOURNAL from now on.

Please visit us at the link provided above.

Thanks!

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4:33:39 PM CDT

Until my computer issues are resolved, I will be updating [rarely] in my old journal.

“Daily gratitudes and attitudes.” Linked in the upper left corner of this journal.

I apologize for the inconvenience.

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12:08:12 PM CDT
Feeling Frustrated

One last message for a while.

I give up! Either I need a new modem or … something. I know nothing about the technical end of these things, and my poor DH knows even less than me, if that is possible. Yesterday, I was convinced that it was the phone jack, because I read an article saying that 56k modems should NOT be connected to a split jack. We have a three-way splitter for phone, fax and the computer. I plugged straight into the phone jack. Nothing. I had to jiggle the cord to get a dial tone, so I said, “I need a new cord!” I got a new cord…no change. So, I plugged in the splitter, and was at least able to get online, only to get knocked off after 4 minutes as usual. The mornings are always the worst. That would lead you to believe that it’s the outside box, because of the fallen dew in the morning. [?] The phone company did a test on the lines, and say they didn’t hear any noise, etc. Of course, I haven’t had a tech out to the house yet. So, believing it was the jack in the computer room, I hauled the whole blessed thing into the kitchen and hooked everything back up and plugged into the jack in here. I got knocked offline in 4 friggen minutes! Grrrrrrr! ::Big-Sigh:: Now I am about to disconnect everything all over again, and haul it back into the computer room. One last resort…I will take the computer to my parent’s house and check it up there. If I’m able to stay connected up there, I’ll know it has something to do with the lines here. [My mom is able to stay online, so there really isn’t any point in going that route.] I was a very happy camper last night, I was able to stay online for as long as 35 minutes! But that isn’t good enough for me. I can stay online, reading journals for hours at a time! Then again - -maybe this is a good thing. Honestly, I’ve been needing to prioritize. If I put as much energy into other things, a lot would get done. Maybe, my neck problems would even get better.

Until I get a new modem, or buy more RAM [AOL live-help says that I don‘t have enough RAM and that is causing the sudden issues.] Y’all won’t be hearing from me as much. I’ll be checking my mail and doing some light surfing, but that’s about it. I hope to be up and running again before the holidays. I hope to have a new digicam by then, too. Maybe by then, we’ll have lots to share with you all! Till then, we’ll miss all of you!

Y’all take care, and be good!

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7:21:12 PM CDT
Feeling Frustrated

I am still here.  I just can't stay here for very long at a time. Every time I sign on, I am booted offline after about 4 or 5 minutes. This was happening on occasion before hurricane Ivan, but since returning home, it's happened every singe time that I sign on. I've looked into every possible cause that I can think of, and everything checks out okay. I am getting to the point, I want to pick up my computer and throw it out of a window. lol!   If the problem is not soon resolved, I am going to shut down my AOL and my journal, permanently. I can't waste $23.90 a month. I don't really think it's necessarily an AOL issue, because I have the free version of Juno for backup and it does the same thing.   Anyway, I wanted to let you all know that I've been stopping by your journals, one at a time. I only have time to read one entry, and then when I start to leave a comment, I get booted. I have managed to hurry a few comments before getting knocked off, but for the most part, I haven't been so lucky. I've tried to answer e-mail and the same thing happens. It's very frustrating. So please don't think that I've just stopped visiting ... It's a "technical thang" :)  

I'll return If/When the problem is resolved.  

In other news:: Stephen saw his neurologist today and all is well, but we are upping his meds from 25 mg to 100 mg a day for his seizures. [I really hate that we have to do that]  

 Thank you for your patience. .... And PRAY for mine, would'ya?

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9:44:47 AM CDT
Feeling Quiet
Hearing James Taylor::Fire and Rain

I've tried to post this entry 7 times, but I am having connection problems since hurricane Ivan passed through.

I said weeks ago that I would post some of our beach pictures from our trip to Pensacola. If you've been keeping up, you know how hectic things have been around here.

Even so, I had to make time to put a few pictures together. I haven't been able to get Pensacola out of my mind. I can't even watch the news and see the destruction Ivan left behind on our beautiful gulf coast. I saw a few pictures of where we visited in July, and it doesn't even resemble the pictures in my memory. Not quite two months ago, Stephen ran up and down this beach. We played in the sand. Sand, just like sugar, so white and soft. Pensacola beach was so crowded with people; it made me nervous that Stephen can get lost in a crowd that size. We found Navarre beach [lower right photo] that was far away from the main attraction and although there was a light rain shower just before we got there, it didn't stop us from having a wonderful time. We wrote our names in the sand, and played like children. I can't remember the last time I felt so carefree with no worries. Navarre beach treated us with such kindness, and welcomed us with open arms. For a short while, my problems were washed out into the sea of forgetfulness. I tried to not let my mind wander back to our real life. Stephen is a happy child, but never as happy as he was there. The minute we returned to the street we live on, he broke out into tears. In his own way, he realized that it was back to reality. I remained quite, and tried to hold on to just a shred of the gulf coast that we left behind. We will return next summer. Perhaps the scars of Ivan will show. Many of the buildings will be replaced. But the beach and the ocean will forever remain the same to me. The gulf coast will be my friend who allows me to cast all of my burdens on her shoulders. For a few treasured days, she will wash the heaviness in my heart from me again.

Till next year, sweet Pensacola. My prayers are with you and yours.

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5:10:18 PM CDT
Feeling Anxious

You may find this hard to believe, but I just haven't been watching the news very much lately. I'm depressed enough as it is. My mother, on the other hand, watches enough of CNN to keep us all informed. Daddy watches FOX [their house is a war-zone, just based on that fact, if you know what I mean] My mom called me this morning and asked if I could take her to Wal-Mart. "Sure," I say, "I'll be there around noon." WHY didn't someone tell me it was going to be so bad? I haven't seen so many people in a panic at a Wal-Mart, since the Blizzard of 93! I wore cut off jeans and flip-flops. Big mistake! I got ran over, and bumped so many times, I am sore all over. I finally looked at the last person that got up too close on my backside with their shopping cart and I said, "If one more person runs over me, they won't have to worry about Ivan!" Then, I realized that she was way bigger than my little ole 5' 01" self. [gulp] She gave me a dirty look and backed away. [Thank-God!] My cousin, Sue was with us and I figured we could both take her if she was waiting for me outside.

When we first got there, I asked, "What's the deal? What are so many people doing at Wal-Mart on a Tuesday?" Mama looked at me like I was from another planet and said, "Why, Hurricane Ivan! Don'tcha ever watch the news?!?" “Well, no, mama. I figure you watch the news and worry enough for all of us.” We live 4 hours north of the gulf coast; we've never had to prepare for a hurricane. I'm still not gettin' it. But a little old man was kind enough to explain to me that this was a very dangerous hurricane and we're expected to get a lot of tornadoes and bad floods. Oh, great.

Mama and I were trying to squeeze our way down the canned meat and soup aisle when I overheard a man on his cell phone saying, “They are all out of batteries and matches, and running low on water, it’s gonna be bad!” You just don’t know how I have panic attacks when the weather is involved. Everyone in my family has an innate fear of tornadoes. When my mother was a little girl, they survived a terrible tornado that wiped out most of the town they were living in. Papaw was the pastor of the church and their house was just behind the church. Papaw ordered everyone out of the house, into the church. The house was crumbled to pieces, but the church was untouched. How’s that? I realize that tornadoes touch down and then go back up and scientifically, it could have been a coincidence, but I choose to believe it was a miracle, and I‘ll never believe otherwise. My Papaw was a very faithful servant to God. I guess it just wasn’t his time to go yet; he had too much work left to do on earth.

Okay, let me wrap this up. Stephen is waiting for my attention. I was in a little bit of a panic about batteries after I heard that man. We have tons of candles; I’m not worried about not having lights in the house, Stephen will be able to look at his books. But I am worried, should we lose power about Stephen not having a TV. He has a small black and white TV that uses D-size batteries. Sue found one pack of discarded off-brand D-size batteries on a shelf and grabbed them for me. I just checked and his TV needs nine, D-size batteries. How many are in the pack? Eight! Grrrrr … just our luck. LOL!

Really, I am hoping and praying that everyone is overreacting. I am praying that Ivan fizzles out before hitting the gulf coast. Let’s pray for everyone in the path of Ivan, and continue praying for those in Florida, who know too well, the destruction that is possible.

 

 

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8:01:44 PM CDT
Feeling Hopeful
Hearing Stephen, playing with his silverware...

       ::photo above taken spring of 1995. Wasn't Stephen adorable? ::  

Just so I won't become a woe-is-me whiner, I will talk about my day at the salon to break the pity party I was having over the weekend.

  Ahhhh, how refreshing! I had forgotten how it can be. The smell of coffee, always ready. Fresh baked muffins. The hugs. The laughter. The tears. And ... I'm a little ashamed to admit, the town gossip. If you've ever seen "Steel Magnolias" you get the picture.  I spent the morning with my friend who I have known all my life, the one who inspired me to give up my dream of being a writer - - an artist (maybe I should be mad at her) and become a "hair - artist" instead.  In the 80's this woman had the most happening chain of salons in the Birmingham area.  She is now the proud owner of a brand new, 2 chair salon, just steps away from her home. It's the perfect setup, really. She sees her children off to school every morning, and is always there when the bus brings them home. If business is slow, she can go in the house and do some housework. Have a play-date with her husband. Start dinner. Whatever. The only bad part is, and this can be most irritating, customers will show up on Sundays when she is closed and just walk over to the house and knock on the door.  Her poor hubby can't walk around the house in his underwear for that reason. How sad that must make him.  Like me, she is too nice to tell them to come back during business hours. She stops whatever she is doing and goes out to the shop to do a haircut. I have worked for her, off and on for a long time now. I forgot to mention, I am going to start working with her again. Not doing hair very much, as I do NOT want a demanding cliental again. Getting out of the hair business is like getting out of the Mafia. Almost impossible! I haven't worked full time in a salon since Stephen was 2 and I STILL have clients calling me. I only do senior citizens for the most part. Mostly, just because I love and adore them so much. I feel, as a younger person, I owe them something.  I miss my grandparents terribly, and I feel close to them by being around the elderly.  (Sorry for rambling there) I am going to help her with her book work and orders, etc. It is something to help me get out of the house, and make a little money and be in the world again!  It won't be everyday, or even every week.  

Now to the second part of "going back to my roots." For the first time in almost 10 years, my hair is it's natural color again.  I can cancel my membership with Blondestar. I am a brunette again.  Well, okay ... we foiled in a few blonde chunks around my face. But only a few.  The darn digicam is broken, so I can't show any before and after shots. Actually, it took forever to find a picture of me without blonde hair. (I was also a bottle blonde in the mid 80's) So only for a few short years in the 90's, I was true to my hair color.  Just a hint for those wanting in stay in "style" -- brunette is HUGE this fall. Even natural blondes are going brunette. [I wouldn't advise that for everyone, as some people with fair complexions would look like death with dark hair. And for goodness sakes, I can't stress this enough:: GO TO A PROFESSIONAL for your haircolor needs, when you are making a change that drastic.]  Curls are making a big comeback. That will make the hubby happy. He's been saying for years, "But I like you hair when you just scrunch it and leave it curly." Speaking of which, he's not happy about the brunette thing. Or the length, just above my shoulders thing. But, if he says anything, I'll just pull out the old list of things I am not pleased with, add a few more to it just for good measure, and he'll let it go.    All in all, today was a good day. I feel [and look] like me again. Today was like therapy. I refuse to tell you the negative things. Yes, a little bad news has happened. But I refuse to obsess today about things I cannot change. But who knows what the next entry to this journal will bring?  

By the way, thanks for all of the kind words and emails after my last entry.  What would I do without friends?  My friend told me today while I was highlighting her hair, "Mia, you seem so much better with everything than you used to be. Your attitude is so healthy. You're smiling more than you are crying. You're staying positive. Have you been getting therapy? Are you on meds?"     

I simply stated::  

I have my AOL Journal. I really think this has made all the difference for me.  I mean that.

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12:37:02 PM CDT
Feeling Frustrated
Hearing no time for music...

Hello friends.  Just an update to let you all know we are still here.  Things have just been so, super-busy.  Late summer and early fall is my busiest time of year.  This is the time of year that Stephen has to go to all of his follow up appointments with his doctors. Naturally, my health appointments seem to fall on this time of year as well. The beginning of school year always has it's ups and downs.   Stephen has already missed a whole week of school because he caught a head and chest cold, which triggered asthma symptoms.  Last week, I caught his cold. His dad is coming down with it now. His dad and I have been really lucky up until now. This is the first time in about two years that we got a cold that was this bad. Bad enough to need bed rest with it. All week long, I've been catching myself falling asleep during the strangest times. Like, standing up, or folding laundry! I must be half dead. My doctor called with some of my test results and said that I am still anemic and she phoned in some supplements for me. If only I could remember to go to CVS to get them. I've been anemic for 3 years now and she isn't happy that I am not eating right, or doing anything right, health-wise. I've lost 7 pounds since last year. I "look" bad. I feel tired 24 hours a day.  

 I wasn't going to mention this, but I'll go ahead. We just got back a few hours ago from The Children's Hospital.  Stephen fell out of his bed at 4:00 this morning and started having seizures. This is the second time this summer he's had to go to the hospital by ambulance with seizures. June 2nd, three days before my parent's 50th anniversary party, he started having seizures at 6:30 AM.  The reason - - I had forgotten his meds two days in a row. I felt like the worst parent in the world. I went to Walmart and bought a pill box with the days of the week on it, to help me remember his meds.  No seizures at all since I solved that problem. This morning, while riding in the back of the ambulance with him, I told the paramedic that story and how I believe I'm going to have to up his dosage now because he has gained a little weight, I assume he has outgrown the dosage amount. Even the ER doctor, and the neurologist agreed with me. After we got home, Stephen didn't want to eat. Finally, about an hour later, he was hungry and when I was feeding him, I got his pill box to give him his meds and ... guess what I found? Friday's box was still full. Yeah, even with the daily reminder, I forgot yesterday's dose. That is the second time this summer that he has had seizures. The second time this summer, he's had to ride in an ambulance. The second time, he came to, scared and confused after having the seizures and had to spend several hours in the emergency room. Why? Because his mama is too stupid and absentminded to remember his meds!  It's a good thing I didn't become a nurse. I can't figure out if he fell out of bed because he was having seizures, or he had seizures because he fell out of the bed.  The poor thing was face down when I went in the room. His mouth was bleeding. I don't know if he bit is tongue from the seizure or the fall. I guess the order in which these things occurred are not important. But they are to me. He has a bruise above his eyebrow and one on his shoulder. Every bit of it comes down to one thing. I messed up. I've noticed that my memory is getting really bad. I mean, REALLY bad lately. I can't even remember simple words. How to spell simple words.  My telephone number. What day of the week it is. I've been tired a lot of the time. I feel depressed. Hopeless. Angry. Mostly at myself. I feel like the conscious part of me is outside myself, watching the forgetful me take over and no matter how hard I shake myself and yell, "wake up!" I keep fading away. My head hurts almost 24 hours a day. I guess I'm just tired and stressed. Like most parents.  

 Anyway, the important thing is, Stephen is fine now. He's had his medication and is watching Dora the Explorer and smiling big as always. He's so happy. I don't deserve the love that little boy gives me. One nice thing happened, though. He hugged me and said, "Mama" plain as day! Usually, he says, "umma." Slowly, his speech is improving. I know he understands much of what we say. That is something to build communication on.  

I'll try to update soon. I didn't even have time to sign on and vent like this, but I made time. We're in the middle of remodeling Stephen's bathroom, and that is also taking some extra time. One of those stop and go projects. We hope to have it finished soon.  We still have to buy a new tub and replace his sink with a pedestal sink. Then we'll finally be finished. Can't post pics of it. The camera was dropped and broken :(   

I am making journal rounds very slowly. If I haven't been to your journal in a while, you now know why.  I promise I'll be by as soon as I can. Just keep the coffee warm for me. :)

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10:06:02 PM CDT
Feeling Quiet

I'm not quite sure why, but for the first time in about 23 years or so, I picked up a pencil and pad and started to sketch again today. I came very close to buying a sketch pad and other supplies the other day, but said, "Eh, I don't have time for drawing. Haven't had the desire in years. It'll pass." But tonight I was watching Stephen as he watched one of his favorite movies on HBO [Mrs. Doubtfire] and I was suddenly inspired to "sketch" him. He is so cute when he sits directly under the big TV and looks up at it that way, instead of sitting across the room from it like we do. And I swear, he smiled through the entire movie!

Although very rusty as you can see...I wondered why I stopped doing this years ago. At one time, I was actually pretty good at it. My brother is the real artist in the family and as far as I know, he hasn't painted in years either.  I guess, like me, he just got busy living life and stopped enjoying the little pleasures of life so much. I suppose we all do that as we get older. Life becomes so demanding. I'm  thinking about picking up some art supplies and start enjoying the simple things again.

...Or, maybe it'll pass. :)

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2:50:20 PM CDT
Feeling Quiet

Yesterday, August 14th ~ was our 12th anniversary.

Bittersweet milestone.

My very, very personal life is one that I do not talk about much.

It's too complicated.

That being said, I'll speak of only one layer. Our evening out last night.

Earlier in the week, I asked my mama if she would baby-sit Stephen for us so we could for the 1st time in at least two years celebrate our anniversary. This was the first year in a long time, we both even remembered...or chose to remember our anniversary. She agreed, as long as we could be back to pick him up by 7:00. Yeah, you heard me right, 7:00 PM. [That explains a lot!]

This was our 2nd date night since the middle of December! We had dinner at O'Charley's. We even beat the early-bird senior citizens to the restaurant! They started to arrive around 4:15. We had general conversation.

What are  you going to order?

Hm, dunno. You?

Dunno. I think I'll have the ribeye.

I think I'll have the grilled shrimp.

How's your steak?

Fine. How's your shrimp?

Fine.

[I sure wish she'd hurry with the check already. Before we explode from this invigorating conversation! I mean, I just don't think I can take the excitement much longer!]

As I quietly chewed, I became fixated on a couple who were well into their 70's. They were seated behind Stephen's dad, so I had to strain my ears to hear their conversation. [yeah, I know. But I've always been nosy] So cute, they were. The man slowly guided the woman to their seat, with his hand at the small of her back. He held her hand softly as she sat down. He then seated himself, adjusted his bifocals and started to look the menu over. They also asked one another, what he/she was going to have. But there was a different tone. A tone of affection. I could see the man's face, but not the woman's. Her back was facing me and all I could see was her hair which had been freshly shampooed and set as most women of that age do once a week. I had a clear view of the gentleman. I admired the way he adored his wife. The way he looked at her with years of appreciation while giggling and discussing their grandchildren. I found myself longing with a distant hunger and disbelief that we'd ever reach a point that we hold each other in that regard. I began to wonder, have they always been this way? Or is this something that comes after years of knowing hard times together, and overcoming those hard times together? That's got to be it. I pray to God that is true.

I heard Stephen's dad say, "What is it?" I shook my head and said, "Nothing. I was just admiring that couple behind you." I then decided to take a good friends advice and I started going  back in time and remembering the man I met all those years ago. Something had to cause a spark in the beginning. Is it still there?

What attracted you to your partner? For me, it was the ability he had in making me laugh. He made me laugh without effort. He still has a "Jim Carrey" sort of way of making me laugh, even when I don't want to. After a while, I started saying things like, "Remember that time...." And before I knew it, we were laughing and talking. Next thing we knew, it was time to pick Stephen up from my parent's house.

We brought him home. Bathed him, brushed his teeth and all other bedtime routine stuff. I played a computer game with him that he believes he is supposed to play every single night before going to bed.

After I told him good night, I closed the door and walked into the kitchen to make a glass of iced tea.  I heard the front door open and heard my husband of 12 years say, "It's a nice evening out. It's kind of cool, but nice. Do you want to come out here and sit on the porch with me?" I was planning on coming in here and surfing J-Land, but said, "Yeah, I'll be right there." He had 2 candles lit and a light blanket was waiting in my chair for me. [I get cold easy] We stayed on the porch and talked and laughed and then talked some more until 11:30. We blew out the candles, came back in the house and checked on Stephen one more time before going to bed. We looked down at him, and then at each other and smiled. Knowing, he is the best thing we ever did together. Maybe someday we'll be like that couple. Maybe, we are on our way there right now....

 

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