She loves me? She loves me not?

10:47:02 PM EDT

This is me at the end of the Lobster Party on Saturday. It was a long hot day.

That Lisa posing with me. I hadn't seen her in weeks. It's kind of strange how much I used to obsess about her and now it's like I barely think about her. I still think she's hot though.

At the end of the night Janet, her ex Mark Jami and I posed for one last picture. It was a good moment I wanted to capture.

At this point I was just as relaxed as I could be.

Here is Lisa and Carmine. They are doing great and I think Lisa is really happy and I feel good about that.

These are just a few of the many pictures we took. I will add more as the week goes on. The stories may take longer. I had a great time although not with everyone. I'm not sure I can make a blog entry about it just yet. It's not with anyone who I've mentioned before so I may come off really stupid.

Sunday I had Coleen and her boyfriend come out on the boat. Nothing big, just out into the harbor for a swim. But then while we were swimming the wind and the current picked up and I found myself drifting too far from the boat. I ended up getting assistance from another boat. It was a little embarrassing but it could have been much worse.

So I find myself looking at life a little different. I want to take a break from all the drama of lusting for something I can't have. So I'm going to just do my own thing and let life start coming to me. No more scheming or searching for someone special. For now.

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1:11:10 AM EDT
Feeling Annoyed

I was at a party at Janet's tonight. Everybody was there. There was much drama. Had a disagreement with Judy. I thought she was treating me like I was a servent and callede her on it. She's all bent and so am I. I may have acted different but I was tired and drinking but I still feel she was out of line. I even tried to apologize but she said no. So now I thinking fuck you ... you can't respect me even when I apologize? Go away then.

So then there is Coleen and Mark and all their shit. I loved being around Coleen and Lisa tries to set me straight. "don't jump every time she wants something" So much easier said then done.I'm thinking about just saying goodbye to the whole lot of them. 

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9:50:47 AM EDT

Last night there were cocktails on the boat.

This is the picture I took of the sunset. I wish I could say some really great things happened but no such luck. Drama, drama, drama. Ugh!.

First Roberta came down and it was just us for about an hour. I hadn't eaten so before she got there I had some leftover Indian food which Roberta really doesn't like. Not even a little. But before I was done she showed up and since I had already cooked it and I was hungry so I did finish it.

So we relaxed and sipped wine and then I got a call from Coleen to tell me "we are coming down to the boat". We being her and Mark. And I could tell Coleen had already had more drinks than she should.

So they came aboard and Coleen sat next to me and Mark just stayed at the back of the boat. that's him in the picture. Coleen was being very chatty and very ... I want to say tipsy but let's face it, she was drunk. She managed to get under Roberta's skin and there was friction between them all night. There were quite a few odd moments which I dismissed but as soon as the sun went down I started to clean up. Even though I got the feeling no one was anxious to go I started to put things away. Mark and Coleen got the hint and headed up to their car. This was good because Coleen spoke to me on the side and said Roberta was really getting her mad. To be perfectly honest Coleen was pushing some buttons and getting even me annoyed. I wasn't sad to see them go.

So in my mind I just thought my annoyance stemmed from jealousy that Mark was there... but after they left Roberta and I had a long talk. What she saw was something completely different. What she sees is Coleen using me to try to get to Mark. She was alternately flirting with me and then being very affectionate with Mark. And Roberta didn't like it one bit.

I got a real big dose of reality. Coleen's attachment to Mark is probably never going to go away. Roberta told me about how Coleen used another friend, Donnie, much the same way as me. So at the end of the day I feel used and wish I wasn't so obsessed with her anymore. I don't know what my next course of action will be but I think things need to stop. Roberta says she doesn't want me to get hurt but I'm afraid it may already be too late for that.

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9:17:03 AM EDT

Last night was a quiet night. There will be no stories of love and lust today. I did have not one but two phone conversations with Coleen, both of them initiated by her. Such little tiny steps.... I mean we've gone from having a short conversation once a week to random text messages to now we have multiple daily phone calls. This is over the last six or seven months. That's just too slow. In all my past "successful" relationships the thing would happen in about three weeks. I feel like I entered into the "friend-zone" and there is no way I can get out. It will take a huge kind of leap on my part.

Enough about that .... I keep thinking to how I always look back in time using music and baseball to remember what year things occurred. For example I remember the summer of 1969 so vividly because there was the Miracle Mets and Sweet Carolina, and Cash's My Name is Sue and CCR's Proud Mary. I also remember we moved in July and leaving all my friends and being lonely for I didn't make new friends so easily.

Everytime I hear a Ramones song I remember the late seventies and being in college and working part-time at the grocery store. If I hear Paul McCartney or Paul Simon it reminds me of going to Jones Beach with Win. I was so in love with her, but much like the usual pattern I never got past being friends with her. As the Beatles' song goes..."People and friends that went before..."  are all tangled up in the soundtrack to my life and then I look up old baseball statistics online and I also think who I was around back in those days. The Mets won in 1986 I was dating Brenda but really liked Karen. I ended up getting married and divorced to Brenda. Karen got married and started a family and disappeared from my life.   

Where am I going with this? Just that the dynamic continues and it would be so great if just once I could find myself able to step outside the box. I am going to keep thinking about that. Unfortunately actions are so much more difficult than thinking about it.

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9:44:59 AM EDT

I took a ride after work and saw Coleen's car parked near our favorite watering hole. So I stopped in and enjoyed her company for a few hours. I really wanted to take the opportunity to have a serious conversation to see if I could change our dynamic. I guess you could say I went half way there. She told me her and Mark are having a tough time and she really still wants that commitment from him. I then went into the fact that when he snapped at her I thought he was being a little extreme. I also stated the fact that his vacation story made me feel like leaving which I did. In case you missed it his vacation includes a woman he pays to have dinner with and who knows what else. So at least I got that off my chest although I did fail to mention how much I like her because I still get a sense that she is planning her life around him.

I gradually lightened things up and we ended up going out to dinner. We went to a new place that we had both been to before but never together. It was a little nicer place too. Some what more elegant. A funny thing always happens when I go out to a restaurant that feels just a little more special. It seems like the waiters sense things and try to make it more romantic. There was another couple across from us that I got into a friendly conversation with. It must be because we laugh so much that we spread that life is good feeling around the room so much that everyone cheers up. I've noticed this before.

So after dinner we had a moment. It happened so fast I'm almost not sure I imagined it. Coleen kissed me. Not like a deep passionate kiss, but also not a kiss like hello or goodbye. This was when we got in the car after dinner, she said thanks and kissed me. It was a soft sweet thing. And of course I never saw it coming. But I want to make a move now. When we said good night there was a promise for more, but dammit if she isn't still holding out for that stupid Mark. Oh well, breathe in, breathe out.

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9:44:02 AM EDT

I had a very diffecult time last night sleeping. I had so many thoughts spinning around in my head. I feel as if I seem to just play the same role over and over and whenever a situation developes that calls for me to take action I keep falling back into what I always do. For instance, yesterday Coleen called me early to tell me she wasn't going to work. Clearly, there was an opportunity to talk about where she wants things to go. And what do I do? I talk to her about her plans for the day and how she should relax.

I had a conversation with Lisa about this last night. As far the the falling back into familiar patterns she says she finds she seems to do the same thing. Her initial thought was like everyone else I should talk to her about how I feel and see where it goes. But then she added that it will happen when it happens and not to fret over it too much. She also said that maybe all this drama that is following her around would be bad for me to get myself into the middle of.

I do want to try to change the dynamic and I've been going over in my head just how I would do it. Unfortunately these things tend to happen when I am least ready for it.

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9:08:20 AM EDT
Feeling Frustrated

I managed to sidestep what for me would have been a sticky situation. On Thursday night Coleen had talked about going on a weekend trip on the boat. I initially was all for it but then after thinking about it on the drive home I became very conflicted. How could I overnight with someone I am so very attracted to but only as friends?

Well, the problem fixed itself when Coleen told me on Friday she got her "time of the month" and wouldn't be up to doing much of anything for a day or two. That's probably more detail then anyone should want. But the plan was called off so I didn't need to deal with it anymore.

Saturday she was uncomfortable but was at least able to come out for dinner.

I took both Janet and Coleen out to have lobster at the outdoor restaurant. I did feel like "who has it better than me?" On the way back home I made them stop at a beach so we could watch the sunset.

 

This is from the Bayvlle beach.

Coleen got a call ... not Mark though.

Janet always seems to have her mind on something else but we all enjoyed the moment.

So after sunset I put the camera away and we had a drink in our favorite bar. I was driving, but Coleen got a ride home after from her friend Tony. I could tell she had a good time. I got Janet home without incident.

What a surprise when the next day she told me she was speaking to Mark again. She and I spent the day together but Mark came buy on his motorcycle and somehow I ended up agreeing to having dinner with both of them.

What a surreal event that was. Coleen cooked and I did enjoy a nice meal. But then Coleen and Mark started to talk about vacations and he told me about how he goes to St Martins every year andmeets a Brazilian girl that he pays to spend time with. He insisted that they just have dinner and go dancing but Coleen got a little bent out of shape and I got really uncomfortable so I said my goodbyes. It was a bad moment.... as I left Coleen was sitting alone out front and I could tell she was seething.

I don't know what happened after I left but at 6:40 a.m. this morning I got a text message from Coleen that said she would be missing work today and staying home. She said she left last night not long after me. I'm not sure if I handled thing right. I wish I had told her she could talk to me if she wanted, but then I would be waiting for that and it's beter if I just let her deal with her own stuff.

So the weekend goes not quite what I expected. I really need to make a move soon because I can't keep doing the things I do.

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9:56:57 PM EDT
Didn't take Coleen away for the weekend. She wanted to go but then came down with the I-Can't-Go flu. She still wanted to go but then was too sick and she said she wasn't able to make it. We still had dinner. But as of now her relationship with Mark is back on so I'm home pondering my options. I guess I'll have more thoughts on this tomorrow.

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11:09:13 AM EDT
Hearing Talking Heads Fear of Music

So once again the rubberband theorem rears it's head. Those not familiar with the "Rubberband Theorem" when a person tries to pull away from another person that other person will snap back like when you have a rubberband tied around your wrist and pull on it and let go .... snaps right back. And the harder you pull it the harder it will snap. Now that I've done that let me try to explain....

I had made up my mind on Monday to let the whole Coleen thing go, right? So what do you think happens? She has sent me a text message or called me every night this week. And has asked me to call her before work or has called me before work. Nothing really new about that, just the same stuff but more frequent.

So last night was boat night at the dock. No one was going to show up so I went down anyway to open it up and get some air inside and also to relax and watch the sun go down. Then out of nowhere Chris shows up with his still broken foot and I help him onboard and I figure at least I have some one to hang with. Then my phone rings and it's Coleen. She had dinner with Mark but said she could come down for 10 minutes. I said, "fine, I'll be here." When she showed up she was alone and looked upset. Apparently when she called she was in a big row with Mark and left him... she says for good.

Next thing I know she is talking about how she needs to get away for the weekend and how would it be if we took the boat out east Saturday and Sunday. Now Chris is still there and I am reacting as if  I was planning to go anyway. So we discussed it as if it was something we would do.

So in my head there is all kinds of thoughts spinning in my head. How can I make this work and not end in total disaster? How can I make it so it's just me and Coleen? And isn't it way inappropriate for her and I to do this?

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2:55:58 PM EDT
Feeling Thoughtful
Hearing Billy Joel The Stranger

Spent last night at home relaxing. There was a point last night where I was simultaneously talking on the phone with work, on IM with Lisa and exchanging cell phone text messages with Coleen. Isn't technology great? And all I really wanted to do was watch the Met game on TV. Oh well, it's validating any way.

I went out at lunch and picked up the re-issue of the Billy Joel "Stranger" album. I didn't buy it for the album since I've got it already. And the Live at Carnegie Hall bonus disk is great, but what I really wanted was the 5 song bonus that comes with it from Best Buy. It's a concert that I can remember when I was in college in December 1977.

I had this friend at college, Bob L. who drove us home for Christmas break the 5 hours plus trip and he had a Billy Joel tape that we listened to a lot. It was the "Streetlife Serenade" album which I had grown to like. There were some extra songs from "Piano Man" too. Up until then I hadn't ever really heard him.

When I got home another friend had a bootleg tape of a radio concert that had just been aired. There were all these new songs on it. Songs from "The Stranger" and "Turnstiles". I've long since lost the tape but must have listened to this concert every day for a year. And that would be what the 5 songs are. Now I have a CD.... only part of the concert but at least I could have something. Maybe someday there will be a CD of the entire concert.

So I just walked 20 blocks in NYC in 90 degree heat but I've got it!. While I was there I also picked up a Toby Keith CD. It was just too far to go to get just one thing.

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